Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 171
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 171
Sally,

I just wanted to offer my support. I'm sorry your husband is so wayward and not even exposure could kill the affair. There is always a chance down the line your WH will wake up and realize what he has thrown away. From what I can tell, Plan B is your best option at this point. Perhaps "losing it all", the house, the family, his friends and YOU, will be enough to break through the fog. Maybe not. Be strong. Over time I believe this will get easier for you. Lean on your loved ones and come here for support. Also, read Scotland's thread. She is an EXPERT at Plan B and you may find strength there as well.

{{{{{{SallyS}}}}}}

aBetterMe


aBetterMe

Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)

MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
S
SallyS Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
I will finish it today and have it waiting for him when he gets home from work. I coach cheerleading so I will be at football until late tonight, and have the weekend to "recover" myself before returning to work on Monday. You know I actually told him at one point that I resented the fact that his affair was something I was exposing my daughter to because I have tried to raise her to understand that she needs to be respected as a person and that she should not let some "boy" walk all over her, yet I am letting her own father do it to me and excuse it at the same time, some example huh? There are days that I actually blame myself and shoulder the responsibility for his affair, I know I was not perfect and that is a burden that I will always carry. Do they ever accept the reality of what they (wayward spouses) have done?

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Originally Posted by SallyS
Do they ever accept the reality of what they (wayward spouses) have done?


They ALWAYS do, trust me, if it's not in 2 week, 2 months, it will happen in 2 years.

So no matter how long it will take them to see the reality to this it WILL happen laugh

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
P.S I bumped that Plan B letter thread for you so you can read it

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
S
SallyS Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
Thnaks, I have a big day ahead of me. Funny that I just want to go back to bed and not deal with this, but I guess I've been doing that all along, wish me the strength to follow thru.

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Good Luck Sally!

We are here to help! We know you can do this, for your family! Just remember that laugh

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 171
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 171
Sally -

We are all here rooting for you! You know and we know you are strong and capable and doing the right thing. And even if your WH never wakes up and realizes what he's done, Karma will ensure he gets his what he has given to the universe. They all do.

aBetterMe


aBetterMe

Me 33
DH 35
Together 14 years, married 12
Two "furry children" (one cat & one dog)

MB has changed me and changed my life. I am becoming a better person for it, and building a better marriage. MB principles can truly help you create the love and the life you want.
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Sally --
Your husband doesnt have a plan. He never intended to end his marriage to you. He never planned to move out.

What he wanted was the status quo. Both of you. He wanted you for all the familiar reasons. He wanted OW for the added ego strokes and excitement.

He would NEVER end it. He would try to keep the current situation for as long as possible.

Thats why he tried every tactic in the book to get you off his case. "We're just friends" "We didn't sleep together" and trying to NEGOTIATE his ongoing contact with her.

This is NOT the end of your marriage. Its the start of you respecting your own boundries and establishing new groundrules and expectations for him.

Spell out EXACTLY what it will take for you to consider continuing the marriage.

Here's a few suggestions:

No more facebook -- or a joint account only.
No contact letter to OW which YOU mail, and is content approved by you.
Open access to all accounts and full transparency.
Marriage builders coaching or weekend seminar.

Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Sally, ((hugs))))
I would also like to send my support to you, this is what is needed and your only hope for waking your husband up, when you aren't meeting the needs you have been, reality of what he is doing will come a real head for him.....
He will then have to decide what is more important in his life.......
Keep an open mind and just make the best life for you and your daughter, if he decides that the old life isn't for him then so be it, that will be his regret in life......
Happiness is the best way for you to move on.....you have tried but he is in the affair fog and until he makes the decision to change that you can't work on your marriage......
be strong and do what's best for you, don't worry about what he wants. He has chosen this path.......
post here to vent, cry, complain, whatever gets you through, keep busy.......


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
S
SallyS Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
I sit here wondering where it all spiraled out of control, am I wrong about needing to know the whole truth? Do I believe he didn't sleep with her? NO but he insists otherwise, do I believe what my gut tells me or what I want to hear, and how will I ever know the truth? He lied to me about the whole thing anyway, what's to make him not continue to lie, and how will I know the truth from what I think I want to know? I can't decifer if he is being honest or not anymore? I just want to know what happened during those 6 days he spent with her. I have always believed that the best way to deal with something is straight on, but even if he chooses to "work things out", how will I know he is being honest? Do I really want the sorted details ? I feel I have a right to them. And is it fair to demand them of him as a condition to "working" to save our marriage?

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
I sit here wondering where it all spiraled out of control, am I wrong about needing to know the whole truth?
You absolutely have the right to know what your 'other hand' is/was doing. Every second of it. When you and your H married, you became one. Ask, and don't feel guilty for one single second.


Quote
Do I believe he didn't sleep with her? NO but he insists otherwise, do I believe what my gut tells me or what I want to hear, and how will I ever know the truth? He lied to me about the whole thing anyway, what's to make him not continue to lie, and how will I know the truth from what I think I want to know? I can't decifer if he is being honest or not anymore? I just want to know what happened during those 6 days he spent with her. I have always believed that the best way to deal with something is straight on, but even if he chooses to "work things out", how will I know he is being honest? Do I really want the sorted details ? I feel I have a right to them. And is it fair to demand them of him as a condition to "working" to save our marriage?
If necessary for you to feel you have the whole truth, he should submit to a polygraph. He needs to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe in this M.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Whoa whoa whoa, you are giving him the Plan B letter today?

Are you ready? Usually the BS needs a little bit of time to get everything ready so that you can go dark and, more importantly, STAY dark.

Do you have an IM (intermediary) to handle all communications between the two of you? Does your IM understand what they are supposed to be doing? (we have info here for that person) Have you thought about all the ways he may try to contact you and formulated a plan so that he won't be able to do so?

I would say go back to what Mel said...ask if he is willing to go NC and let him know if he is not he needs to go. You DO NOT tell the WS at about Plan B at this point. It's more like when his stuff is packed, you slip it into his bag or you hand it to him when he is walking out the door type of thing.

Like Plan A, Plan B is a tool that works. But you need to make sure you are using it properly. Make sure you are ready...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Originally Posted by SallyS
I just want to know what happened during those 6 days he spent with her.


We all know what happened during those 6 nights, I'm sorry but they spent every waking moment sleeping together.

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Just focus on your plan B letter, start getting prepared for it, don't think about WH he is not the man you married, he is an Alien.

hug

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Sally --

Polygraph. Make it one of your requirements for him to return.
If he agrees, expect truth-vomit a day or two before the event...

There is a great letter around here called Jacob's letter which beautifully describes why you need to know. You can't go forward with a big gaping hole in your past.


Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Do you have an intermediary?
He is NOT allowed to contact you.

Where he goes is not your problem. Let him feel the consequences of his actions and DO NOT protect him from the fall.

Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
S
SallyS Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 18
Okay guys, now what? Last night he came to the football game. Guess he is figuring out that his time is limited. When we got home he claimed that he was tired and went to bed,no discussion between us, I finished watching a movie on tv and went to bed also, but woke at 2.00am to find that he was upstairs on the computer, imagine that, then this morning he left without a word, and took the keys to my daughters car ( it has been in need of minor repair for months). I told you all I was a whimp, and I really am. I know that him suddenly doing the things he should have been doing all along is nothing more than a smokescreen, and that he is avoiding the conflict, but damn it makes it hard not to want to believe that he is wanting to save this marriage. He did it to me again, I get to be the bad guy here. He is doing everyting for us ( me and the family) and I get to be the one who can;t let go of the past. HELP !

Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 375
Just take two steps back and observe - does this behavior (only one day) really make all hurts go away?

Come on. You're not the bad guy, you didn't cheat.

Don't set the bar too low. You know what you need for recovery and for good marriage, do not settle for crumbs.

He is manipulating you to make you stop pestering him about OW.







Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Sally, did you read our posts? I thought you had a plan here. What has changed?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by SallyS
I know that him suddenly doing the things he should have been doing all along is nothing more than a smokescreen, and that he is avoiding the conflict, but damn it makes it hard not to want to believe that he is wanting to save this marriage. He did it to me again, I get to be the bad guy here. He is doing everyting for us ( me and the family) and I get to be the one who can;t let go of the past. HELP !

Actually, it is YOU who is avoiding conflict. What is he doing to "save this marriage?" Did he tell you the truth about his affair? Did he end all contact? I see no mention of any of that here. Fixing your DD's car and throwing you some crumbs is meaningless. It only means he senses something has changed.

But, nothing will change unless you change.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 33 guests, and 37 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5