Hi! I am new here and I am just very depress atm. I need some advise(constructive critisimn welcome) and help. Pleas excuse my long post but I will try and shorten it as much as possible but it's pretty complicated and I'm very long winded.

I'll be 23 this year. Husband and I would have been married for 3 years come this May and we've been together since 1999. I am an expat/foreigner and I came over to be with my husband (long distance was hurting us and we practically spend 6months in each country anyway just to be together) and we did marry sooner so that we could be together but we did marry coz of love and couldn't stand being apart.

We lived together with my in-laws(whom I'm very close to and they play a big part in bringing me over and beyong that that I will always be indebted to them) for almost 2yrs(altho one yr was 6months with a 6months break)b4 we got married. Everything was fine altho we always argue but we still love each other.

Husband had always been a game freak but it got worst as he got even more addicted to an online game(which he got me playing too). Even though I was pretty addicted to it, I always thought spending quality time was very important and even set at least 1 day aside a week to watch a series on TV we both liked. That went down the drain after 3 weeks. I know he love me altho he was more addicted to the game and started to 'ignore' me or so I felt.

Wrong thing to do but it came to a point where I threaten to 'leave' if he doesn't cut down on the game(never ask him to quit completely as I know he can't/won't) which falls to deaf ear which he later says he never thought I was that upset till I left. However, I didn't really do it as I was dependable on him as I wasn't allowed to work for a yr and was jobless. This went on for a long time(the addiction and ignoring me).

However, I am not proud with the way I left and live to regret. I got 'involve' with an ex and my first love although it was online. He sorta did got me the 'courage' to actually leave (left 3 days b4 we were to move in to our new house) although he always encourage me to stay with my husband as I will have a better life than with him. I could not go on with the house as I didnt thought it would be fair. Husband beged for me to stay and promised he would change and quit the game but I felt guilty and would still have to leave 'temporily' after what was done.

Since then we've been 'off and on'(been 6months now since day I left). He resent me and one part of him want to be with me and other part doesn't. He says later that he loves me but not as much as b4 which in a way I feel the same. We were going to 'try again' after 2months living apart and rented this flat(which the lease ends in MArch) but after less than 2 weeks in, he regrets it. Left for his parents and then moved back in, and left again saying he doesn't love me(now he says it was way to 'protect' himself). He's lived with his parents without moving in for 3months but one minute we were 'together' next we weren't that even his parents are confused.

When we weren't together and I started making new friends(3 friends for the first time out of my 4yrs living here) he got jealous about me going out and one of them happens to be male. Told him I do get along with that guy but I do sincerely treat him as a close friend. Since I went out, he seem to want me back probably coz he got jealous although I didn't do it deliberately.

Anyway to cut it shorter, he was supposed to move back in this Saturday but something he said made me questioned him. Estate agent asked if we would be renewing the rent contract and we could do it on a monthly basis instead of 6months and he said that would be best which sounds like it's only a temporily thing.

He's always says he's been feeling 50/50(being married or being single) and can't choose. He now says he does love me albeit not as much as before and he wants to try and love me more. Since me questioning him, I did sort of said I want my husband back(not asking him to put ring back on) but to at least start again.

Well this weekend has been hell. He decided 2 days back that he want to be single and this time he seems to be so sure. He says that way he has his freedom. When I ask what freedom, he says "the freedom to Not... move into a flat with you.... save for a holiday... get a house... have kids (whatever timescale).... but to do whatever I want to do without having to think about someone else" and doing whatever he likes, going out with his friends(I never stoped him b4), going on holiday with his friends rather than me(I told him I have to go back to see my family and to sort certain things out as I have not been back since I came here for good -4yrs ago),dating mayb,etc. I was his ever first real gf and he never did do all those.

I used say I don't want to be a guinea pig for him to realise where he wants to be/do but now I'm thinking twice - is it better that way rather than to lose him completely.

He sent me an email today to explain what he couldn't and part of it he says "I really am sorry to have to make this decision, and that I have made this decision. I feel that if i were to go back to you i would not be committed to the relationship, that i would always be wondering how things would have been had i not gone back, and maybe wished that I hadn't. That wouldn't be fair on you at all. What you were asking for your husband back 100%) was not out of order... but I just can't give you that. I need to explore this other way. It would have been totally selfish of me to go back to you, when I feel the way I do."

It hurt me more to know that he would rather live with regretting that he is not with me than to regret what he could do as a single guy would. I know deep down he does love me and like he said few weeks back, he knows he could love me again and it would work but its a question if he wants to give it a chance.

Please tell me what should I do. I really want to be with him and I do know that it is with him I would be most happiest with. How can someone be in a relationship and get married only to tell u they are not ready for commitment after 4 years?!? If I am to move on(which I don't know how), how am I to do that. He says he doesn't want me to hate him. Please help me. One minute I seem fine, next I'm just weepy out of the blue.

Thanks in advanced and I am really sorry for the long winded post. Just don't know how else to say it.

bump.

Hi, Leyna! Can't say that I know a lot about what you're going through, but I would think you are experiencing a lot of lonliness. Have you read much on this site? Would your H be willing to? Would you (together or individually) consider marriage counseling? It sounds as if you both might be younger, based on you saying you are your H's first real gf. I'm hoping for the best for you. Please read the concepts on this website, and post again to keep your post on the first page.

ttkm

Thanks for replying. Yes I have read the website the past few weeks b4 actually posted. When we were sorta 'partner' and when husband comes round, I showed him certain bits and he did read the topic I wanted him to read.

Since then, I have sent him the links but he has not really read it. Told him last nite to read the board and his answer was somewhere between the lines of 'What ppl say won't make a difference to how I think/my decision and different ppl have different sort of theory which doesn't mean it has to be right'. Hence he doesn't want to go for counselling as he doesn't think they can help and he doesn't want to be told what to do esp if it will make him misserable. Spoke to him last nite and he says he doesn't want to change his decision and just can't. He says he needs to find out what he wants out of life and do things he missed out of. He says he will regret this decision(and he will regret if he chose to be with me and work things out) but he thinks he won't regret it as much as if he doesn't pick what he currently has chosen.

He says he doesn't want a life that is all laid ahead for(the cycle of life) so being single, he gets to do whatever,whenever, anything at all as he wants. His example is he can just quit his job and not get a job if he wants to and he knows it won't affect or think about me in his decision.

At times I am hurt and upset but think to I don't have to put up with this and it is his loss but the other times, I wish he would change his mind. I think a huge part of me would also feel better and never wonder/have regrets if it doesn't work out knowing that we have tried and done all there is to be done. I guess in a way if I really want him that badly, I would wait which could take however long(years) which I just don't think and don't really want to. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Family friends and even his mom says I shouldn't have to put up with that and if he does regret it he regrets it and it's too late for him. Sounds selfish here but... what about me and how I feel if he regrets it then!

He seems to be really determine about it now and he kept saying he can't change his decision. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think that he told you how he feels. He loves you but that doesn't mean he wants to be married with the obligations that marriage implies.

I think he needs to find out if he wants this single life and you need to let him go. If he does it for a while and discovers he doesn't want it he will come back to you fully committed or not at all, but if you try to get him back now he will continue to hurt you with his resentment about being married.