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Anita, it is important that you inform his wife as soon as humanly possible. Because, if he thinks you may tell her, he may tell her that there is a crackpot woman at work who has made advances on him, and when he refused, she is trying to ruin his marriage. So it is likely that she would be outraged at YOU, instead of him.

I say this because, some years ago, my husband told me that there was a crackpot woman at his job who was calling the wives of many of the men there, and claiming to have had an affair. He wanted me to know "so I would be prepared if she tries it on us."

I never heard from the woman. And now, years later, I wonder what the truth really was. I was probably too trusting by believing him implicitly. I wonder if that is when my WH first started down the road to adultery.

She may not believe you, she will probably be angry with you, but then the information is there for her to do with as she wills. At least, you'll have tried to do the right thing.


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2399446#Post2399446
FBS- me, 53
FWH-53
Married 34 yrs
DD 27 and 30, DS 19 (disabled)
after 2nd DDay, filed for D Dec 09 (me)
6-6-10 WH moved in with OW
7-3-10 WH returned home
taking recovery one day at a time

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See I am doing a new thing!
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland."
Isaiah 43:18-19
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Anita,
I thank God you found this forum before you went over the line and have an affair with that disgusting pig.

You deserve so much more. I know it is tough being lonely but he would be your worst nightmare. My x-h had an affair with his direct report and destroyed a family. He is now marrying her and lost his career, integrity and declared bankruptcy. She has no credibility at work because she is know only for sleeping with her boss.

Find a man that you can bring into the light and not hide. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

Blessings.


Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09

Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Wishing you the best Anita and there's nothing wrong with a woman in her 30's single.

I recently remarried and I just turned a little past 40 ok? But the men (coming from a woman who was a single woman for the last seven years after a divorce) we find in our 30's and beyond are what my friends call mostly "recycled" guys meaning that the singles out there either have been married previously or were usually in serious relationships before. And sadly, there are amongst the population some men and women who have been married for a long time who are willing to be unfaithful and see what happens if they pretend they aren't married.

Yes, this happened to me once. I went to dinner with a guy who seemed perfect. I had met him out with friends one evening at dinner. We spoke on the phone for a few weeks first, he said all the right things, was amazingly sweet and understanding and I eventually decided to go on a dinner date with him.

The date was perfect! Everything was right. Then the next week, he was to have another dinner date with me and he called me and sounded funny. By the way after this time I was comfortable talking to him and had told him of what had happened in my life and WHY I was divorced and how devastated I had been after my ex had had an ema and gotten the ow pregnant. Apparently this guy felt guilty, and told me out of the blue he was NOT single. I remember screaming at him and cried and told him to never speak to me again. I did ask him why he thought he could do that, and he said that he didn't know why.

I know why. Guys will want their egos stroked and so will gals. Maybe he had been married awhile and felt less than worshipped, and fell into same old trap my ex H fell into. And it cut like a knife knowing this jerk spent so much time trying to woo mee and date me and pretend he was single. And according to my girlfriends who are still single it happens all the time these days.

The only clue I could have ever known was he only called from his office or mobile phone, but in the last decade things shifted and most people use their cells more than their house line. I'd have never known maybe unless I had told this guy about my past, and he HEARD loud and clear and saw the pain I had gone through courtesy of a cheating ex H.

I never saw that person again, although he tried to call and say he was sorry numerous times. It imho disrespected me, and no "I'm sorry" can take that back. It IS a slap in the face to try to get away with any of the bull a married piece o'crap will feed you to get you to carry on with them. But yes, this guy lied and as I suspect, this workplace casanova lied to you also saying he was unhappily married implying maybe he was getting a divorce or something?

Either way, do not speak to this person again. Run. Turn your back. It is NOT a compliment. It is an insult. What if he had said this to you instead:

Hey cute lady, how would you like to go on some dates nowhere near my work or home, but sneak around w/me? I promise I will never ask for more than sex and a few dates, as I can't even really promise you anything? I will break your heart and my wife and kids' hearts as well.

What would you do if a married guy or gal said that to a possible ow/om? Do you think an affair would ever happen in the first place?

I remember taking a very hot shower after that phone call, feeling I had to wipe the mucky muck off of me after knowing what that cad did. Luckily, nothing happened on our dinner date other than a peck on the cheek, but trust me, that guy would have done whatever I allowed him to have tried, should he had not ever told the truth.

Wait around. There are plenty of good single men out there who WILL respect you and treat you as a woman should be treated. And somehow anonymously and gently inform the wife. She deserves to know. I am glad i found out about my ex too. It will hurt, but the truth is far better than living a lie.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Anita, a man can definitely be faithful. You need to look elsewhere for men. Bars are a terrible place to find men.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I never saw that person again, although he tried to call and say he was sorry numerous times

I do believe I would have to pick up the phone and give his poor wife a quick recap of my dinner date with her husband. And mention his phone calls.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by Anita_be_nice
Wow, Marital bliss, I definitely didn't see that one coming...

You are very harsh I must say...but I understand and accept your tone of voice as it seems to help me most! It's like a wake-up call!
At least I know what I look like to the outisde world, especially how i would look like to his wife if she finds out.

In my head, I am still the honest/good person that DID NOT act on whatever wrong/false feelings I might have had, but I will do a reality check.
I only thought that maybe I deserve just a little bit of credit for not acting physycally, but I guess i was wrong...

It is humiliating enough to be drawn up to this kind of an emotional affar, so please don't make me feel like the ultimate [censored]...:(
I already blame myself enough for it and I am willing to take responsibility for my mistake...

I now feel I can stop replying to his mesgs,calls and e-mails alltogether.

My only question is whether you think I have to tell his wife? Is it not hypocritical to first enjoy her husband's msgs and then all of a sudden - I think of what's best for her?

Is it really my responsibility to be telling her or is it his responsibility? Maybe she does not want to know, or maybe she knows about him cheating before, but pretends not to see? Is it really for me to interfere?

I'd rather stop everything, disappear from his life and mind my own business...
Anita, I'm a guy who got into an affair with a married woman. You can read my posts if you want to piece together my story. Sorry, I'm on a business trip overseas so I don't have time to write the response I'd like, but everything Marital Bliss has said is dead-on.

Take it from me: Just do NOT go there. You think it's special, you think you 2 are different. Been there. In hindsight, it isn't special or different, and what you & the other guy & his wife will be left with is a huge pile of pain that you can't even imagine.

You need to tell his wife because she's the person whose knowledge is most likely to be most effective in killing the emotional affair that's already occurring. If you refuse/fail to do so, it's because you're not serious about wanting to end this affair. Also, there's a moral issue: If you saw a person being struck by a car, you'd call an ambulance, because there's a chance to save the person's life. You wouldn't say it's "interfering"! This woman is being emotionally run over by her husband's emotional affair, and you have a chance to help save the marriage. Or you have a chance to help destroy it. Coming from a person whose selfish actions may very well have helped destroy another man's marriage, let me ask you: Would you go over to the person who's been just struck by a car, look them in the eye, and walk away without doing anything to help? Wouldn't that be kind of like pulling a knife from your pocket and drawing its blade across that person's throat?

That's all I've got time to type, sorry. I'd have so much more to say, but that's the gist of it. Do the right thing, Anita. You'll be sorry if you don't. Affairs do not end well. Take it from me. Heed this advice.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Is it not hypocritical to first enjoy her husband's msgs and then all of a sudden - I think of what's best for her?

It's called "stepping out of the fog".

You need to tell this woman TODAY, no excuses. Give her the content and times of some of the texts and calls, so she can check her WH's cell records and see that you're telling the truth.

Her emotional well-being, and even her very life, are in the balance.

What are you going to do?


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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Originally Posted by Anita_be_nice
I only thought that maybe I deserve just a little bit of credit for not acting physycally, but I guess i was wrong...

What difference does it make how much "credit" you deserve? Are you going to do the right thing or not? Are you going to help the victim here, or think only of yourself and your reputation and your credit?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yeah, bars are terrible & work is such a wonderful place to find cheating pi*s! I don't know if I should even laugh or cry at this irony...
but yes, i agree, bars are a place to find a ''little something'' on the side, in general

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I have just read this thread and there is one thing that stands out, there are 5 pages of back and forth conversation where the same advice was given from page 1, and yet, here we are and the wife has yet to be contacted. I wonder why?

Somehow, underneath all this, I get the feeling that you are not averse to an affair with this man.


BS me 55yrs
WH 59 yrs
M 34 yrs 6/26/2010
DD 25
D Day May 5, 2010
NC 5/12/2010
Duration of affair 5 years, but other affairs discovered on D Day
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Thanks for the reply Markos, I appreciate your help

His last 3 phone msgs on Friday evening remained unaswered.
I joined this forum over the weekend, which only reinforced my decision to stop this nightmare.

His 2 e-mails he sent me at work today also went unanswered. And I wasn't even tempted to reply.

The first e-mail was sent to me first thing in the morning:
Married guy: ''Hi, I was just wandering how u have been and how was your weekend.I hope it was better than mine frown I didn't hear the alarm and just got into the office. My first thing on the ''to do list'' was to wish you a beautufyl day''

of course, i didn't even think of replying.

Before the workday ended, he dropped another e-mail saying:
Married guy '' I am starting to get worried about you..if you are sick or something happened...are you ok, I haven't heard from you since Friday...maybe you just don't want to reply, which is not nice....Wish you a beautiful evening''

Of course, I did not reply, nor I intend to.

I think he is still trying and pushing to see if I am still willing to flirt, which i am NOT!

I know that if I ignore this e-mail and the following few, he'll just stop.

If you think that's a good idea, I could even say this:
''Do not contact me any more. I have blocked your number and I am about to talk to HR to block your incoming e-mails''
( even thoug, I personally think this is a bad idea, as he will just take it as feedback and it might encourage him to drop me yet another pathetic e-mail and so on and so foth...Please tell me if you agree)

So, it is not an issue for me to stop contacting him any more. I won't!

What's bothering me now is the fact that I need to tell his wife.

I have heard everyone's opinion on this and I know I will not receive any support for not doing anything about ''saving his wife who is a victim''....

YOU SAID:

Are you going to do the right thing or not? Are you going to help the victim here, or think only of yourself and your reputation and your credit?

Can I do the righ thing AND think of myself and my reputation at the same time???
I am a victim MYSELF. I am a victim of his manipulation, mind games and seducing techniques. I am voulnerable, too. I ama victim of my own guilt, if you wish.
I rejected,refused and dismissed his offers to come and pick me up & to come back to my room after a night out...I repeatedly told him what he tried to do is wrong for him, unfair to his wife and children and that he needed to seek help.

Once, over a weekend when his wife was at her parents' place, he texted me:
''I am with my sis, her husband, my mom and the kids, you are missing frown ''
I got so angry with him & for the courage to write such a manipulative thing as to making me believe I belonged, that I replied:

'' How dare you say that. It's your wife who is missing, not me! Don't make me call her and tell her this, please!''

Then he would apologise and play with my brain a little bit. Most of the time he would convince me ''He really loved me and missed me....i was on his mind every minute...I was smart,funny,pretty and made him laugh...I was ''sparkling'' all the time and had a ''glow'' around me that just made him happy...He even begged to come and just see me, if only for a while.He would promice he would not attempt anything physical, he just had to see my face and blah blah...He was prepared to drive accross the border (the town is 2 hrs drive and a border away from me)and back just to be able to see me for an hour.
Even if I told him that he was married ans hould not be feeling like that for anyone else but his wife, he would use the typical ''we almost divorced in June...we barely even speak, she doesn't even care where I go''...
I have asked him on numerous occasions:''What if your wife finds out you have been calling me? Do you know what's it like for your kids to go through a divorce?Have you thought about the consequences? ''
He almost always replied with ''I don't care if she finds out''

As you can see, he has used all the trick in the book to get to my brain and make me believe I was special.

Thank God I had a gut feeling that this was terribly wrong and would be painful for everyone involved. And thank God I found this forum to tell me that I am just a typical example of someone who is being seduced by a married man ( my guil included)

And yes, I am guilty for enjoying all that attention from an unavailable man.I'm not trying to deny it.

I would occasinally fall for his bull*it and said I missed him too, but most of the time I would react reasonably and when I did that, he would try to guilt-trip me that i was chaning moods and that i would need to make up my mind.

The point of me saying all this is - am I not a victim, TOO? Yes, his wife is a victim, but don't I have to think of my well-being, too?
What if I tell her and show her the evidence and she still decides to live in denial and to believe any [censored] excuse he gives her in order to save her marriage? He had ME convinced his marriage is bad after a few weeks, I am sure it would be easy for him to convince her I am just a single ''nutcase''
He will probably say I am a skank who is just angry because he refused to have sex with me despite all evidence I give her.
What if she decides, in her state of anger, to call my office and tell them I am threat to other married men?

That will be my ultimate punishment for doing the right thing and trying to help her,when she didn't really ask for help, at least not from the woman who has been flirting with her husband.

What will happen to me then? My reputation has been impecable so far and i ama respected and loved member of the team. My appraisal has been with highest marks and my team input is greatly valued.

But how long do you think it will take before the office gossip and the bullying start? The place I work at and live in is small, so things are easily blown out of proportion. This error might cost me my career and reputation for life.

I know what you'll probably say at this point (bring it on maritalBliss:)
''Well, you shold have thought about it before you got involved in this emotional nightmare''
I agree. I should have, but I didn't. And I am sorry. Also, i am sure it will NEVER happen to me again. From a moral point of view, is this mistake so big that I absolutely have to risk my job, career and reputation?
I live on my own, have no other sources of income, my job is everything to me given i have just put a mortgage for a place & my mother is financially dependant on me. My father is in poor health and my brother is constantly between jobs. We all live separately in different towns and my parents are divorced (not a result of an affair, before you ask,just big differences and no communication)
So, do i really need another stress on my neck after having succcessfully pulled out of this mess?

p.s. Let me repeat again that I am not affraid that telling his wife will stop him from contacing me. As far as I am concerned, I can easily go on with no contacting him ever again...


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I am sorry that you are getting that impression...

I understand that what I did was wrong, but to be suspicious about anything I say is not helping me...Pleae read the letter I just posted a few minutes ago...

I get every comment personally because i know all of you have suffered from such a situation, but I really have ''woken-up

I honeslty start to feel a little bit disappointed by the fact that you don't belive me...

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I know what you'll probably say at this point (bring it on maritalBliss:)

Well, okay, since you asked grin

You know what to do.

Let me ask you something: if you were sexually molested as a child, and you found out as an adult that the man who molested you was marrying a woman with 3 pretty little girls, what would you do? Would you keep quiet, hoping he'd mended his horrid ways and send up a little prayer of protection for those little girls, since, after all, YOU'RE a victim too, darnit! Why should YOU get stuck with the unsavory task of having to rat this deviant out??? Why should YOU have to do the heavy lifting and bring this terrible thing to light??? dramaqueen
Or would you warn this poor woman about the sexual deviant she was about to marry, thereby protecting her and her children?

Last edited by maritalbliss; 10/04/10 02:03 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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p.s. Let me repeat again that I am not affraid that telling his wife will stop him from contacing me. As far as I am concerned, I can easily go on with no contacting him ever again...

Anita, you can ask us 'pretty please' and promise the moon, and it won't change the right thing to do.

Darn, you took my "You should have thought of all of this before you started flirting" line away from me! dance2


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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The reason that we don't look at you as a victim is because you were a willing participant in your actions. YOU HAD A CHOICE. You chose WRONG WRONG WRONG. Any of the consequences for those choices that you made should be felt by you to ensure that you will not do this again. Sorry Anita, but around here, TALK IS CHEAP. Actions speak volumes. Tell the wife and tell HR. I would even tell your parents and everyone surrounding you.

Tell them that you are sorry. You made a mistake. You are trying to fix the mistakes you have made. Change yourself. Take your consequences like a big girl. You did a bad thing, could it have been worse? Certainly. You don't get credit for NOT being the worst example of OW ever. You WILL get credit for being a former OW when you tell the wife, tell HR, have NC for LIFE and change yourself.

Don't take our callousness as being uncaring. We are trying to help you. Holding your hand and telling you that everything will be okay isn't going to help you. PLEASE TELL THE WIFE. DO THE RIGHT THING.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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OK,I get it...

I already know what you'd say. I belive you to be my conscience...

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First things first, you are NOT a victim. You willfully CHOSE to have an emotional affair with a married man. If you have read up on this website you understand the concept of emotional needs. If this married OM has been meeting your needs of admiration and conversation, you can't expect him not to want you to meet his need of sexual fulfillment. You may have thought letting him meet your needs of admiration and conversation were not crossing the line because it wasn't sexual, but you did cross the line. You are just as guilty of a party in this affair as he is. You crossed the line by having a close personal relationship (read: AFFAIR) with a married man. You did not respect proper marital boundaries.

Now you can atone for your mistakes by telling his wife and blocking all future contact. That would be redeeming yourself. Coming here, posting about your situation, and TRYING to avoid contacting him in the future, is NOT enough for redemption. You need to accept the consequences of your poor choices and do the right thing.

Last edited by jmwc95; 10/04/10 02:12 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Anita. What I am about to say is not delivered with any mean-spirited and/or holier-than-thou attitude. It is firm because this is that serious.

You, my dear, are NOT a victim. I think you know that.

Your previous post stating as much is nothing more than justifications for why you should 1) not establish complete and total no contact, and 2) not expose the affair to the real victim here, the BW.

Good that you haven't replied to his attempts to contact you. However, that whole story begs the question: why can he still contact you? Block him!

Also, any replays, even just mental, of what he said to you, your times together, etc., is like contact. Stop it. That thinking is off-limits to you.

I am hard-pressed to imagine any HR department that would penalize YOU for an admission of a burgeoning emotional connection as a married coworker has tried to take your relationship beyond the office. You state that you recognize the missteps in this, and felt you should take it to HR in order to maintain appropriate office relationships only. You are concerned for the reputation of the company and its employees, and do not want to tarnish yourself - nor have this man tarnishing the company by his actions. (Or something like that - there are many other posters on here who are very adept at dealing with HR exposures.)

Now. For the BW. You've been told this every which way 'til Sunday, and (surprise!) NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

AS THE OW, YOU DO YOUR DUTY TO HER BY EXPOSING. What she does with the information, whether she chooses to believe you or not, whether she doesn't care - DOESN'T MATTER. That's her choice. You control you. Stop making excuses. I think you know that's all you're doing, and that your concerns are not legitimate.

You safeguard against backlash from the MM (or the BW, which I highly doubt) by preempting them at HR. You talk to HR first, (see above).

Lastly, this:
Originally Posted by Anita_be_nice
From a moral point of view, is this mistake so big that I absolutely have to risk my job, career and reputation?

It speaks volumes. You bristled at teaser's post, wherein your sincerity was questioned. This is why. Your job, your career, your reputation - those are transient. Your morality is WHO YOU ARE.

I suggest you re-read the previous six pages of this thread until you realize just how serious this is.

Last edited by Mrs_Vanilla; 10/04/10 02:16 PM. Reason: pesky pronoun

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Originally Posted by Anita_be_nice
I get every comment personally because i know all of you have suffered from such a situation, but I really have ''woken-up

I honeslty start to feel a little bit disappointed by the fact that you don't belive me...

We don't believe you because you haven't done the proper ACTIONS to end this affair. The proper actions are to tell the wife, write this person a NC letter, and block all avenues of contact in the future. If you work together and see each other through work, someone needs a different job. You can't just turn off "feelings." They are still there and can be rekindled at any time. Trust us, there are people that have come here just like you, trying to end their affair, haven't ended things properly, and are still continuing their affair now. Getting your emotional needs met can be quite addictive and hard to overcome on your own. That is why extraordinary precautions need to be put in place. There is not bigger extraordinary precaution than telling the wife and your employer.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Anita_be_nice
I am sorry that you are getting that impression...

I understand that what I did was wrong, but to be suspicious about anything I say is not helping me...Pleae read the letter I just posted a few minutes ago...

I get every comment personally because i know all of you have suffered from such a situation, but I really have ''woken-up

I honeslty start to feel a little bit disappointed by the fact that you don't belive me...
Anita, why are you still here arguing with us?

Everyone here has told you to expose to his wife. You have heard that advice loudly and clearly and you are not going to take it.

Why are you still here arguing about WHY you're not going to take it? This is all just so much attention seeking.



BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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