Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Originally Posted by POSOM
He almost always replied with ''I don't care if she finds out''


Then what's the big deal here? The light's green.

Last edited by chrisner; 10/04/10 01:58 PM.

Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,463
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,463
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by Anita_be_nice
Can I do the righ thing AND think of myself and my reputation at the same time???
I am a victim MYSELF. I am a victim of his manipulation, mind games and seducing techniques. I am voulnerable, too. I ama victim of my own guilt, if you wish....

The point of me saying all this is - am I not a victim, TOO? Yes, his wife is a victim, but don't I have to think of my well-being, too?....

What will happen to me then? My reputation has been impecable so far and i ama respected and loved member of the team. My appraisal has been with highest marks and my team input is greatly valued.
"What about ME????"

"Can we talk some more about ME???"

"Can I get more attention if I discuss lots of hypotheticals?"

"Can I get some sympathy if I can get you to focus on how I'll be ruined?"

"WHAT ABOUT ME?????"
dramaqueen dramaqueen dramaqueen dramaqueen dramaqueen

(The icon is a drama queen, BTW. I'm telling you because some people don't get it.)


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,463
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,463
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by chrisner
Then what's the big deal here? The light's green.
Oh, for heaven's sake, Chrisner, what if she tells his wife and MM actually stays away from her?

What about her THEN????

Stop making it sound simple and talk about Anita a bit more.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by chrisner
Then what's the big deal here? The light's green.
Oh, for heaven's sake, Chrisner, what if she tells his wife and MM actually stays away from her?

What about her THEN????

Stop making it sound simple and talk about Anita a bit more.

Sorry SugarCane. You're right. I'm a pretty simple guy.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Stop making it sound simple and talk about Anita a bit more.


I agree - lets talk about Anita some more... like say

Here?

Her loneliness, her happiness, her vulnerability, her career, her job, her security (the career, job and security which didn't matter, apparently when she started flirting and fooling around with a co-worker but SHOCKINGLY NOW matter).

Rather than run in circles Anita, lets make some progress. Have you contacted OW yet? Have you told HR about this inappropriate relationship and asked them to change your emails? Have you changed your phone number?

Talk is cheap.

You get respect when you actually ACT in a respectful way.

There really are no acceptable excuses.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
All we want you to do is tell the OMW plain and simple, no and's or but's

Last edited by SapphireReturns; 10/04/10 02:10 PM.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 26
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 26
...fair enough...

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 343
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 343
Hi Anita

These guys mean well they really do, listen to them, you are lucky in some way that you have come here and got this advice now rather than after the affair. I wish I had!

Good luck

Hitch


Me WW: 34
BH/WH: 36
Married 3 years
Together 9 years
DDay: 3/10
NC: 7/100
Plan B
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 26
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 26
Thanks for the support Hitch...I know they do

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
You are still getting your EN's met by this cheating manho who wants to drag you down to his level...and by continuing to receive his flirty emails EVEN IF YOU DON'T ANSWER you are letting him.

As long as you leave all those doors open by ~not~ blocking him, ~not~ contacting his wife, you remain, plain and simple, an adulteress.

We are all rooting for you to become a woman of honor and kill this affair dead.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
Oh, for heaven's sake, Chrisner, what if she tells his wife and MM actually stays away from her?

What about her THEN????

Stop making it sound simple and talk about Anita a bit more.

rotflmao You're killin' me, Sugar!


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 282
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 282
Guys

I think the hold up here is she does not want to tick off POSM by calling the wife, because if she does then he wont be sending her sweet texts and e mails anymore, after all she was receptive. She is attracted to him.

She clearly has no respect for boundaries, she knew he was married and yet she responded to him.

Lets call a spade a spade.

Lets remember the MB principle, if you expose you put an end to the fuel that feeds the A.
HINT HINT HINT??????


BS me 55yrs
WH 59 yrs
M 34 yrs 6/26/2010
DD 25
D Day May 5, 2010
NC 5/12/2010
Duration of affair 5 years, but other affairs discovered on D Day
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 987
Anita.

Did you choose your screen name as a plea to the respondents here? As in, "be nice" to you?

If you needed to preface your posts, your story, what you're about with a request to be nice, don't you think there's something wrong with what you're about?

You KNOW it's wrong. You knew it when you first posted. Yet your persist in it. You're okay with that??


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
anita,


There is one simple issue here that you ignore.


The fact is that you have betrayed YOURSELF. You can be as angry at the Married Man as much as you want to be. You can call yourself a victim if you would like to do that. You can hypothesize all you want about the "what if" scenarios that may play out once you expose this emotional affair to the betrayed wife. You can prop yourself up for doing some things right along the way, and recognizing that what you were doing was wrong, and for knowing that you should never have started this in the first place.

Go ahead, do all of that.

None of it erases your self-betrayal, does it?

You betrayed your own sense of right and wrong when you knew that a married man was hitting on you, and when you enjoyed it. You tried to justify your going along with it by wanting to believe his weak lies about problems in his marriage, even though at the time you knew that - whether it was true or not - he remained

married.

And your self-betrayal remained

ongoing.

This anger
this sense of frustration
this desperation to preserve your honor
this scrambling to get out of the hole that has been dug

has no blame to be placed but on YOURSELF.

This is the ultimate self-betrayal, and your anger and shame is what is preventing you from telling the betrayed wife.


Because, YOU KNOW that you were 100% in step with this betrayal. It is very easy to want to place everything on the married man, and he is 100% owner of his part in the affair.

The truth is: YOU own your part.

Own up to it. Tell the betrayed wife, apologize to her with as much sincerity as you are using to avoid this. It will be the first step on the path to your own recovery from your self-betrayal,

and you may just see something come of your own self-worth after you do it.


SB

Last edited by schoolbus; 10/04/10 05:29 PM. Reason: spelling

Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 26
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 26
OK, I will try not to sound defensive,or in denial or ME ME ME ME...or a spade is a spade...

However, I do need to clarify something-I came up with the name in the following way:

I had a yahoo instant msng with the nick leona77_be_nice
I used it 10 years ago to chat to people in chatrooms and that was my way of telling them to be nice to me. It meant that i would block the insulting msgs and photos sent to me. I didn't want to use this nick on the forum because many of the people I know-know my nick too!

Anita is a name of the girl who had an affair with a married man. My friend was her ''shoulder to cry on'' and she told me all about Anita & how he left his wife and 2 kids 3 months into the affair and went to live with her for 2 years. After that, his wife took him back and he left Anita.
We used her story for gossip in the context ''Oh, how could she, oh stupid girl, oh that could never happen to me''

...I never want to end up in her position, so
I guess you see how I related to that name


Oh yeah, and I tried just Anita, but that name was already taken, so I used the first affix that came to mind...


Last edited by Anita_be_nice; 10/04/10 05:40 PM. Reason: additional sentence
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 26
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 26
Thank you Schoolbus,

I absolutely agree with everything you said...You've put it in a way I can understand best what's happening to me...

It's rather late here (01:35 am)and I've been staring in the PC for hours.

I'll try to get some sleep, but will read all your comments as soon as I get a chance.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted by teaser_8
Guys

I think the hold up here is she does not want to tick off POSM by calling the wife, because if she does then he wont be sending her sweet texts and e mails anymore, after all she was receptive. She is attracted to him.

She clearly has no respect for boundaries, she knew he was married and yet she responded to him.

Lets call a spade a spade.

Lets remember the MB principle, if you expose you put an end to the fuel that feeds the A.
HINT HINT HINT??????

You know what I think? I think it's not that she wants his continued attention. I think she's smart enough to realize that that way lies madness.

I think she truly believes that she will be upsetting OMW if she exposes him.

And you know what, Anita? You will. Your information will be, oh, how to say this and give it the gravity it deserves...your words will cause her world to completely tilt the other way on its axis.

Picture, if you will, a day in the life of OMW: She dotes on her husband. Loves him to distraction. Thinks he's a pillar. So do his children. And their lives are built on a perception. Their perception is that he is going to work every day, toiling for the betterment of his family. She plans her family meals around his favorite foods. She washes his yukky underwear with devotion (like I did, washing away the cum after OW sucked my husband dry, but I digress, and will stop the personal parallels here).

She pays the bills. Gets the kids from A to B on time. This is her job, like her husband has a job. She does that job with commitment and dedication, because it is important to their family.

She clips coupons. They've got to watch their money, because before you know it the kids will be ready for college, so it's wise to economize.

He gets home from work. They kiss hello. They always kiss hello and goodbye, because you never know what's going to happen in the course of a day. Your beloved could be taken from you in a heartbeat, right?

After dinner they talk about their day, laugh over private jokes. She notices nothing wrong (you know why? because you're not important enough to distract him from his main concern - his family.)You are a potential sexual distraction for him. It's too dirty for him to allow it into his home life, which is pure to him.

They put the kids to bed after an evening together watching TV, or playing a game. Then they shut off the lights and head upstairs - together. Maybe his wife will wait while he takes the dog out to pee. Maybe she'll make sure the coffee pot is ready to kick in on time tomorrow morning, so it's hot and ready for him.

Then it's lights out.They pull the covers over themselves and turn toward each other. There's a certain way they 'cuddle'- they've always done that, and tonight's no exception. They make love, and they fit like a glove, like always. And it's good, like always. She's not frigid, she's welcoming to his embrace. They cling together with the gratitude of sexual release and the comfort of knowing they will have this precious bonding every night.

Big surprise - he hasn't thought of you all night. And he doesn't now, either.

She falls asleep, warm and cozy in the knowledge that another day has gone by and her family is safe.

BUT IT'S NOT.

Your OM is a hound dog. His wife needs to know that. Because if you let this slide, preferring that someone else do the heavy lifting, she will be dealing with a WH who may be bringing home an STD, or a child by another woman.

BUST HIM TO HIS WIFE. SHE DESERVES THAT MUCH.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 54
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 54
MB--u described my life pretty much to the tee before I found out my FWH was having an A. Blindsided is not a word used that can adequately describe the magnitude of the damage the A had caused.

My FWH met this (ok i'll be nice) "person" at our neighbors house last Halloween.( yes, 1 yr anti-versary is quickly approaching!). My neighbor found out about my H & this "person" 11/2/09, but didn't tell me in the hopes it was just them being drunk that night & didn't want to be the one to cause waves in our marriage. I found out on my own 11/17/09. My neighbor told me all the details of the OW Thanksgiving morning. In that short of a time, he became a junkie & she was his "crack". We separated, D was filed & his A lasted until 1/10. We started really talking 12/09 & trying to figure out where our M went wrong & how we ended up at this horrible point in our lives. We recommitted ourselves to each other, our family, & most importantly our M. We have been in R since 1/10. We are working very hard to make this M the best it could possibly be & over all we're doing great.

Anita, I retell this extremely painful story with the hopes that you will do the right thing & tell that man's wife the truth. You see, once my H & I really started talking & delving into what happened between us, I came to the realization that I wasn't totally innocent in this whole situation either. I wasn't doing my part as his wife to meet his needs.(although that still is no reason for an A).

Please give his W the chance to save her M & be the W he needs her to be & the W she wants to be for him. This was a courtesy that wasn't afforded to me. I so wish it was. A lot of pain & heartache might be avoided if she has the knowledge of what's going on w her H & they can make changes to better their M should they choose to do so. She deserves this.

Please do the right thing.


Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Well, I was hoping to get up this morning and read that good had triumphed over evil, and that Anita was taking her first steps to recovery from this multi-level betrayal.

Guess I'll go get some mint hot chocolate to pass the time.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,993
ooooo I think I shall join you on the hot chocolate, Neak.

*jealous* though... I have no mint, just regular hot chocolate.

Hope today is the day Anita decides she wants to be able to look herself in the mirror again.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Blackhawk), 22 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,807
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5