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Joined: Jun 1999
Posts: 2,580
R
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Joined: Jun 1999
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Eric,
HPK & Hold have some good points. I "learned" from my x not to speak about my work because if I had a complaint or gripe she took it that I was going to be fired. So I just never brought it up anymore and she never asked. When she left, she said it was because I wouldn't discuss things with her.

You need to ask yourself, how will your w take the news, is she pessimistic? Supportive? I think this would be the key to talking with her.

It's alright to have doubts, everyone does at one time or another. Its how you react? Do you buck up and over come or do you withdraw and surrender??

Joined: Feb 2003
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Hi Eric,

It really depends on where you're coming from. If you are typically stoic, then such admissions could be very welcome by a Wife. But if you tend to go on and on about every little worry and want to delve into your feellings daily, it could get very old. Which would you say is more like the way you are?

I didn’t read all the responses, but I have to say I'd be a little bothered by an H who seemed so emotionally insecure. Not that I wouldn’t want him to tell me, but it would worry me, do you see the difference?

Some of us with active imaginations (me included) need to carefully sort our musings as relevant or not. Is it real enough to get the S worried about? I've worried that H is going to run off with a Denny's waitress, but not really, so why make him think I'm paranoid? You know what I mean?

It's nice to say you miss her. Alot. But instead of possibly worrying her by getting dramatic on the phone, why not SHOW her by cleaning the house, or having flowers and champagne ready when she returns? That shows you were thinking about her, but doesn’t put your burden on her. It would make her happy as opposed to worried, and that is what you really want. See the difference?

I do like a strong man, and a man who can open up to only me. But a whiner would send me running after the 1st date. Just me - Dru

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
J
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A little late to this thread, but the story of my life.. latebloomer. I was drawn to this, though, because I am a W and Honesty and Openness is my #1 EN. My H claims tho, that I make this hard because I invalidate his feelings, when really i am just trying to have a discussion about where those feelings come from. Still, I am trying to be more careful about my responses.

I am with those here that say "Tell her", but be careful. Just from my own experience, I WANT my H to share a lot more, but not to make me feel guilty - he really is good at THAT-. And I agree with whoever said to be careful not to instill doubts. You don't want her to feel that either of you made a mistake, just that you are HUMAN, with human doubts and insecurities. I have to admit that some of our probs are from my insecurities, as well as his. I wish that we could figure out how to share these and introduce them healthily into the problem-solving! I hope that you can do better in this situation than me and my H.

Anyhow, enuf rambling, I really think that you should find a "safe haven" and tell her how you truly feel. Try to get across that these are merlot ramblings in a way, and not necessarily over-riding thoughts all the time, but they are there sometimes, nonetheless. AND, how much you appreciate that she loves you in spite of your human failings, or thoughts of insecurities.

I think that most people go through a period or two when they aren't sure that they are "Good enough" for their significant other. Just don't use it as an excuse for anything. Or to blame. Being introspective and deep is nothing to be ashamed of, that's for sure.

JMHO,
jls

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