Went out to dinner with wife/son.

She told me today that "It doesn't have to happen".

I came home with them and WW wanted to ask friendly and loving, when I said that this quick turn around doesn't mean she "loves me" and still hasn't shown a willingness to work with me, she dropped the loving act. We started talking some.

While she was speaking to me our son asked her to "stop talking to dad like that." He was taking a bath across the house and just heard her raised voice.

She promised our son that she would do her best to work things out with me, but no more than 30min later, she has left the house again.

I asked her why she would tell our son that, the discussion started up again and the divorce was the topic (obviously).

She started talking about how she would want things divided up in the divorce and things went down hill.


We almost own our marital house, we own a rental house and "WE" own her grandfathers house together with her brother.

She put her name on that house when we bought it, she said that I should consider that it doesn't exist in any settlement.

I told her I don't know, it seems that that property would be considered marital assets by the court since it was bought well into the marriage. Plus she has never worked and the only money she brought to the marriage was from her grandfathers passing. We decided to use that money to bid for his house at auction and we won.


Since I still want her to consider reconciliation, I'm trying to make the divorce running its full course not TOO appealing.

Any advice?

(Warning: Ramblings ahead)

WW is getting tired of me.

She is caught in the "I'm grieving, it's like 3 people I love have died." (OM and his 2 daughters.)

She want's me to "back off". Tomorrow is her 32nd birthday, and she wants me to come home tonight and give her a few days where this "S**t" isn't brought up.

Again, torn between keeping pressure or giving her a moment to breathe.


It has been a very disheartening experience, I keep suggesting she figure out what she wants in life. Sit down, read something to help, seek help (online or in real life).

I've got the keylogging software running, so I know she has never spent more than 30min looking into information on how to recover a marriage.


Hope is draining away, she still calms down and tells me she wants to work, but I still don't see any actions.

She found a free anger management support group, but tomorrow is the next meeting and it's her birthday, so she doesn't want to go.

I've called some local councilors and they all say they are in the business of getting people to talk to each other, which my wife says she won't do. I don't know what she is looking for... perhaps a 3rd party to tell her she is in the right about the affair..

Last night she said that people told her that she didn't do that bad of a thing(affair), obviously she wasn't getting her needs met at home.


Ugghh..


How far down the road do I have to go before I just give up?

I just finished reading your thread. Don't back off, your not doing anything wrong. You are ready to give up when you feel like your love for her is doing to be completely distorted if you go any further. Then its time for a PLan B which is for your safety.

Good luck I know how hard this is.

I would meet all attempts to discuss divorce by her with, �I will not discuss divorce. My lawyer can do that. I will only discuss our marriage and how to fix it.�

Done. Say no more. If she starts with more, then walk away.

It really is that simple. It takes two to argue. She�s a ranting lunatic right now.

Have you protected your finances?

Had something happen this weekend.

Things were at a deadlock. I moved to Plan B, or rather setup a place to move to and started explaining Plan B to my wife.

No direct contact, going to operate as if we are divorced.

She went ballistic. Said that if thats how it is then might as well just solidify the divorce right now.


We sat our son down and explained started explaining to him and he started crying, saying things neither of us were expecting.. (he is almost 8)

He told us he deserved better parents and kept telling my wife that he knew she wanted a divorce because of the way things were in the house for a long time.

He asked over and over for us not to get a divorce!

He settled down quickly, and let us talk for a bit. My wife broke down to me, saying she is a "broken, broken person" who "never expected someone to love her unconditionally."

I think this experience tore her heart out. She went back to my son and said that she -will not- divorce me, it's a promise. She said she has done some bad things, and that she promises to him that she will never do that to him.


Even though I know it is terrible that my son had to go through that experience, I can't help but think that it was the critical turning point for my wife.

She is now talking like she hasn't in the last few months. She is also now fully accountable to our son in the fact that she promised him directly to work for the family.


Today I have a feeling that has been lost for a very long time, it is a feeling of hope for the future. I think I can finally move past the horrible worry that she will backslide to the OM. And we can begin the hard work towards recovery.


I truly hope that this is it, that she is ready in mind and spirit to rededicate herself to our family. I also stand ready now to defend my family so much better in the future against any other man that would tempt my wife. I know I have to be ready to do that, and I have to better fulfill my role as father and husband to ensure that I don't leave my wife doubting my dedication to her in the future.


Thank you all very much for you help, both past and future.

JF, please be careful with this! This has all the makings of a false recovery. If your WW is truly ready to leave the OM and rededicate herself to you and your family, she needs to do a few things:
NC letter.
Remind me - is OM married? His W needs to know, and your WW needs to be the one to tell her.
Does she work with OM? That needs to end, if so. Today.

JF, if you want to save your marriage you are going to have to act quickly and implement a plan of recovery. Unless your marriage has a dramatic overhaul, you are looking at a future life of bad marriage that will lead to divorce eventually. The problems that led to this have to FIXED, they will not be fixed on their own! I promise you!

If you can afford it, I would sign up for the MB online course. You go through the videos and are assigned a coach who walks you through the whole program. You have daily access to Dr Harley, who monitors your progress. The course is $1000. My H and I went through the program when it was held in a hotel and it really does work to restore the romance and passion in a marriage.

This won't get fixed on its own, JF!

JF, although it was hard on your son, your wife needed to see this. This was her wake up call! You did great!

JF, please don't talk to your wife about Plan A and Plan B. These are tools you may need; they are not decisions that the two of you make together. She doesn't need to read from your playbook before you play.

Just tell her you are not willing to stay in the marriage if she does not agree to end her waywardness forever, including never contacting again, and if she does not agree to engage with you in a plan of recovery. That plan will be Marriage Builders; it will be the main part of this program (Basic Concepts).

I second Mel's advice for Dr. Harley's marriage builders online weekend program. Prisca and I attended the last ever "in a hotel" Marriage Builders weekend, and the assistance has been invaluable.

Just a recap for everyone.

First, I know this could stall into false recovery. I have no doubts about that. Constant work will be required for months or perhaps years.

We will either hit the MB program together or find something local for support. WW wants to start going to a local anger management support group, so thats a good start.

I'm working on removing the OM from our lives for good, he is in the country Illegally, so immigration and his work will be hopefully taking care of that.

Wife already knew about the Plan A/ Plan B from this site. I've asked her to browse around and read this site.

I just went to tell her that I was moving out because we were in a dangerous place mentally.

When I started in with the details of how things will work, things escalated.

This conversation just took place?

Did you see my post about signing up for the MB course? I would not take a chance on your marriage with local marriage counseling, JF. Marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate and don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages. If you manage to get your wife into counseling, oyu need to make sure it is with someone who knows HOW to save marriages.

In your case, Dr Harley could be of great benefit because he is a psychologist who can help manager your wife's anger management. He will still tell her to get into AM, but he knows how to deal with such people.

JF, she can go to anger management AND start marriage therapy. I would make this a condition to stop your divorce plans. Otherwise, she will quickly revert to form.

I called to report the OM to his employer (OM is an Illegal worker).

They TOLD HIM I CALLED.

Two issues :

1) He immediately calls my wife, she is now saying she hates me, because what I have done to him and his family.

2) I called him after he contacted my wife, told him to just get away from here and stop contact with my wife (no calls to her, don't pick up her calls). He started threating me. "I'm waiting for you." "I'm ready for you." Wife has had more contacts with him after this point. Says she understands him threating me ?



Wife is most likely still in contact with him now, she is scared for him and his daughters. More worried about him than she is for what he might do to my family or me in retaliation.


This post is for two purposes, document this in case something bad DOES happen, and ask for advice.


I'm really worried that she will try and go see him, even take my son over there. Worried he may flip out because of all this, or someone he knows will do something.


I don't know what to do here, I've sent this information to the tn labor board asking for advise also.

JF, I would tell your son about the affair and why the OM is a bad man. Let him know that he is to tell you if his mother takes him around this bad man.

In the meantime, I would implore you to contact a lawyer and do everything you can to get her out of the house. I saw earlier that you were discussing "PLAN B" with your wife and planning on moving out. That is the worst thing in the world you can do. What that will do is enable her to move the OM into your home and take your place. Can you imagine what that would do to your son??

So, don't leave. Make her leave. Try to get her to leave on her own first. Sit her down and tell her this will not work and you want a separation. Ask her to move out. Before you do this, move your money to a safe place and don't let her get near a red cent. Cancel all your joint credit cards.

JF, your wife is at a distinct legal disadvantage and you need to take advantage of this now. She does not believe you will do anything to stop her abusive actions. She is out of control and needs to be stopped. If you contact an attorney and see about filing on grounds of abuse and adultery with an illegal alien, she may get the wake up call she needs.

But, I would make her leave WITHOUT your son. I would not let her take him without a court order. She could very well run to Mexico with this scumbag and take your son.

She seems to be coming down off her rage.


I want to try and get my wife on here, to talk to others and get a dose of reality. What she gets from her "friends" is just encouraging her anger.


Is there a way I can hide this thread so she doesn't find it?

Did you tell her you are posting on here? Or that you've just been reading the articles?

I don't know, JF. I'm not sure the time is right for her to be on here.

Put the choice out there, but don't push. Don't try to educate her, and the board is not here to educate her.

If she comes here, it has to be due to her willingness to learn.

Also, from what I have seen, BSs and WSs are generally encouraged to stay off of each other's threads.

Don't fear her seeing your thread if she decides to come on board. Don't hide it, that is denying O&H.

She will need to understand that you will also be able to see what she posts.

Your threads are not leverage for negotiation. They are tools for each of you, and a swift 2x4 when called for.

JF, if you invite your actively wayward wife here, you will lose a lot of the power that might come from following advice given to you, because she will see it. I do encourage you to invite her here after the affair is over and after she has begun a good faith effort to engage in a plan of recovery with you (Marriage Builders).

Until then, I suggest you tell her about the program without mentioning the forum at all. Do not mention Plan A or Plan B, either, or any of the tools for a betrayed spouse to try to end an affair. Instead, print out the basic concepts and/or columns on this site and show her what kind of a marriage you two could have if you work together on it. Present the basics of the plan for recovery, but keep the plan for ending the affair close to your chest until she wants the affair ended and recovery to proceed.