Oooh, I like this. This one needs to go into the snooping handbook.

Okay, I will go over to RS and get a VAR. I have to wait for him to come back because he took the vehicle with the kids' car seats and I have the baby.

I probably won't be able to figure out anything at his job. He works behind a secure area and would have plenty of notification before I ever got close to his office. His car is behind the "public" line as well so I would not be able to get close enough to find it. There are quite a few exits as well.

Our oldest just started school today. We all went this morning to meet her teacher and walk her to class. I asked him not to talk to me right now because I can't talk to him. He wants to just pretend like everything is normal and we are one, big happy family. Yuck. I wish I knew how to do that puke face. lol

About taking lunch to his office...I probably can't act well enough to pull that off right now. I'm still sick to my stomach. He would know something is up if I asked to have lunch with him right now. Ugh.

However, I have been opting out of company functions because I'm usually so tired by the weekend. He is one of those people that EVERYBODY loves (they act like he walks on water) so I think everyone I've met (a few of his co-workers and his boss back before the kids and I moved here) would cover for him in a heartbeat. I will see what I can sense though. It should be very telling if for no other reason than letting him know I'm not his doormat.

Justme,

Please contact an attorney soon for a consult or at the very least do some online homework to see what your rights are in your state. It is no accident that your WH moved you to a new state, bought a house, and is now crying for D. I would bet that WH will use your status as a SAHM by using financial threats and no support system to get you to go along with his D fantasy...be informed. The knowledge can be calming instead of making you panic...which is understandably easy to get caught up in. Sorry you are here.

You need to think hard about a PI. A PI can stake out his workplace and figure out where he's parked. And get pictures. You could do it, but it's harder with kids and you run the risk of being seen by WH.

Get that VAR today.

Hi Justme, I know it is difficult but you need to do the opposite of what you are showing him. Go to ALL the company functions, buy a new hot dress. Update your look, drop weight if you need to, let him wonder what is going on with YOU. Smile like a chesire cat, stay calm, do not be the victim.

Get legal rights. Most attorneys do not charge for initial consultation. Look up the divorce laws in the state you live in. If you are in a community state all debts and assets are divided equally unless you can prove adultery. He wants you to get a job because he will not have to pay alimony. Of course he wants to help you find a job.

He is acting like 99% of the waywards on this board. It is not unique just stupidity.

And if his bosses are "covering him" for any possible affair legally they could be in big trouble if it is one of his direct reports. Does his company have an ethics policy in place. Look at their website for this information.

I do agree about checking prices for PI.

justme, do you know any of his married female coworkers? If this is a workplace affair, and I suspect it is, I betcha his coworkers are very upset about it and are toying with telling you the truth. They may not know how to tell you or how to get ahold of you. I would be reaching out to any of them and making friends with them to see if they will spill the beans.

Okay, I just wasted an hour. I drove to RS and they do not have any VARs according to the Manager. He suggested I try Sears. I went there but couldn't find anybody and was tired of carrying the baby (I didn't think to take the stroller).

I have met his boss and a receptionist (both female) and a contractor (male) when we came to visit several months before moving here. His boss picked me and the kids up the day we flew in because I didn't know my way around, but she hasn't tried to befriend me since we moved here. I would feel awkward talking to her because I don't know if it's her and because she's his boss. I don't really know the receptionist either and she may be too afraid to say anything since he's in management.

I feel nauseated and angry simultaneously.

Target and Walmart carry VAR's.

Hi all,

I slept only a few hours again last night. My stomach is in knots. I took our daughter to school this AM and now the baby is napping.

I don't think I can do this. I was already exhausted from th 14 month transition. I have no reserves left. I use what limited energy I have to take care of the children, but I don't have anything left over for myself. I've been running on empty far too long.

Intellectually, I know people survive this. I even understand that I could come out on the other side stronger and happier. But, right now, it's too much. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't think. I feel like my husband, the man I knew, is dead. I don't even know who this cruel, cold, heartless person living here is. I recognize the face, but behind the eyes is nothingness.

I don't think I can make it through this. I was burnt out before I ever finshed the move. I thought I would get a break when we were done unpacking, then I was blind-sided. He didn't even have the decency to talk to me. I suspected something was wrong when he would not answer my calls on any of his phones. He finally told me when I reached him. How can he not answer his phone for hours when he has two small children at home?

Please tell me how to make it through the day without crying or vomitting. Please tell me this pain is not permanent. I need to know that somebody out there was at this point of pure exhaustion and survived. Please help me.

Justme

Given the fact that I am going through the same thing that you are, the best suggestion I have for you is to go to your doctor and have him prescribe medication for you, antianxiety and antidepressants. Between these two you should also be able to get some sleep.

Much hugs to you.

Lots of deep breathing. Cry it out. I still have hope that eventually the tears will dry up-I don't think there are any meds for that.

JM, I am so sorry for your pain. I know this is hell. But the hell will be worse if you don't stand up and do everything to save your marriage. This is far from over. I believe your H does love you very much and from what you tell me, his affair is very new. That means it is much easier to bust up.

PLEASE try and focus on a strategy to save your marriage. This marriage can be saved if you will uncover the truth. The problem here is an AFFAIR and we can help you kill the affair if you will simply get the evidence. Focusing on a PLAN will make you feel much better and will alleviate this feeling of hopelessness you have.

I really wish you would hire a PI. Hiring a PI is much cheaper than a divorce and I don't think you have it in you to snoop on your own. A PI could probably uncover the truth very quickly.

Thanks Teaser_8, I'm sorry you're going through this. Just when I thought things were looking up and we were starting our life together in a new place...BAM! I wish I had a magic wand for both (all) of us. This pain is unreal.

I did call my doctor and tell her what is going on. She said these reactions are normal when something like this first hits and to call her if I'm still struggling in a few weeks. I am an abuse survivor (emotional, physical and sexual) and struggle with self-esteem all the time. I do, however, work extra hard to change the patterns I learned and provide a safe, stable and happy home for our family. Both our children are very happy and truly enjoying their childhoods. It's hard, but I do it for them. I wanted to give them a better way in life than what I was given. I don't and won't cry in front of them. I don't and won't fight with him. I will go to my deathbed doing everything I can to protect them as much as I possibly can. Right now, though, it's taking all my energy just to provide for them. He worked late last night (I verified there was an actual function at work) and did not get home until after 11pm. I had the kids all day (one I picked up after her first day of school) and all night. I feel like a single-parent again (like I was for those six months alone trying to prep and sell our house).

We'll get through this. It sounds like some people here care enough to not just poo-poo this away. I hope I can find the energy and strength (it will have to be a miracle because I was already getting faint from exhaustion BEFORE this happened) to get through this. I hope you do.

Take care of yourself. Thanks for the hugs. I'm sending some your way too. ;-)

just me

Hey

I don't know if your doctor fully appreciates the urgency of what you are going through, but you need meds NOW.

Olease call the doctor back and gently ask her if she prescribe something for you to help you over this period.
TRUST ME ON THIS-you need the help now!!!! not in a few weeks.

Justme,

The advice you are getting is very good. First thing you should consider is seeing your doctor and getting on antidepressents. If ever there was a need for such medication, now is the time. It will help you sleep and function through the day.

You ask what can help you get through this. Action will. Having a good plan and taking action is what helps you cope with the pain. You have children that NEED you to be strong and to take action.

Take a couple of days to stabilize, then take a good hard look at your situation from all angles. Now is the time to decide if you want to fight for and possibly save your marriage, or if things are too far gone. There is no shame in knowing its time call it quits, especially if infidelity is involved. I know this website and program are for those who have decided they want to fight and save their marriages, but no one on here will judge you if that is not your decision. Recovering from something like this is a long and very difficult journey. Even Dr. Harley does not endorse staying in a marriage where emotional needs are not being met.

If your decision is to fight for the marriage, then read all the material here and certainly the books HNHN's and SAA. The people and resources here can help you formulate a plan and take action.

If your decision is to call it quits, you must be just as ready to take action. Your husband is already withdrawing from you and the children, so you must be strong for them. Start tomorrow preparing yourself to get back into the workforce. Start reading up on the divorce process in your state and get a strategy for hiring a lawyer.

If you can't get it together and fight for yourself, think of the children and do it for them!

Hi MelodyLane,

Intellectually, I understand that. Emotionally and spirtually, I don't have the stamina. I started listening to some hynosis CDs last night to convince my subconscious mind to find the inner-strength to get through this.

I do not have a home phone, just a cell phone and this is his computer. Mine "mysteriously" broke about a week before this all hit the fan. I can't search for or call a PI without him knowing about it. I don't know anyone here well enough to talk to them about all this and ask for help with this kind of thing.

It's hard getting to the library with two little ones in tow. Plus, my five year old is at the stage where she talks about everything. I would NEVER destroy her image of her father (he will do that in his own time, I'm sure). I have tried to tell her "secrets" before and it's never worked out well. She couldn't wait to tell him about his birthday surprise or about a surprise goodie box that was coming in the mail. I just don't see the practicality of trying to get these things in place when I have no way to do that without her innocent exposure.

I am feeling sick again. I'm going to lay down before I have to go get her from school. Please be patient with me. I appreciate you being here through this for me. I know I'm a survivor. Right now, I just have no more reserves left.

Thank you very much,
justme

Okay, I will. I already take anti-depressants for post traumatic stress disorder. I'm a little worried that he will use it against me so I didn't want to be on other medications too. He is already using trigger words and phrases that he knows are too much for me ("you're not worth marriage counseling"). I know it's a psychological tactic, but it's still painful.

Thanks again.

Hi schtoop,

Thanks for the reply. I already take ADs, but I will call about AAs.

I need to find a way to get to a public computer or a phone where I can make calls without discovery. I only have a cell phone (still on roaming since we just moved here and had business to close out back in the other state) and his computer right now. I checked for a keylogger, but I'm not computer-saavy enough to know what to look for and don't really understand the info on that.

The other issue is because I don't know many people here, there is nobody I would leave the children with and they are too young to sit patiently while I do research. I will have to figure it out, but right now it's too overwhelming.

I'm strong, somewhere deep down. I know that because of what I've already survived in my life. I'll get trhough this. It may not be as fast as others have, but I will. My life's work right now is to braing up two happy, well-adjusted self-respecting children into adulthood. Nothing else is as important.

Thanks again,
justme

That is some cruel crap!!!! And yes, of course it is painful as it was meant to be.

DO NOT LET HIM GET THE BETTER OF YOU.

This is hard, draw deep within yourself when he sttops that low, you are worth one hundred of him.
Just tell him, whatever problems you may have had, you do not go around deliberately and callously hurting others. That by itself makes you a better person than he is right now.

If you need help with the kiddos, you can ask a neighbor if they can refer you to any sitters. You can also check with the county for a list of certified childcare providers. There are other resources, but looking for a sitter may be a good idea short term and long term since you don't have a support system of family and friends in the area. Get the help you need.