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catgirl Offline OP
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I know this probably isn't the place to post this, but I know someone here will hopefully figure this out, because for the life of me, I can't...

Brief history...ExH had A, we D'd 3 yrs. ago. ExH M'd OW, they now have a baby.

It took me a LONG time to get over all of that. I finally did and thought I found happiness.

Reconnected with an old boyfriend...ya I know ex's are ex's for a reason, but believe it or not, I never had closure as to why we broke up almost 30 yrs. ago and occasionally would think about him.

Anyway he M'd, never had kids, his wife died very suddenly 6 yrs. ago.

It took us awhile to get together. I guess he wasn't ready. We emailed and talked on the phone occasionally, but finally went for dinner last fall.

Took it slow at first, then things took off. We never talked marriage, but we got along great.

It was the first time in a VERY long time that I truly laughed out loud. He made me smile. He�d text me such lovely messages. I felt like a teenager again!

We were so comfortable with each other, guess it was because we went out for 4 yrs, all that time ago, but we didn�t hold anything back.

He treated me like a queen. Something ExH never did. Flowers almost every week. Dinners, massages, compliments etc. etc. And it felt real�

We had MANY honest and open talks about his wife and my ExH and how I still had a hard time trusting etc. He said he understood. He got along great with my kids.

He has a home in another state that he bought after his wife died. He didn�t know if he wanted to stay here or not, so bought a little fixer upper that he would work on whenever he felt like it.

He would go there on the weekends. I think it�s like a refuge to him. Literally in the middle of no where. No cell phone service. One general store. Out in the boondocks.

Almost 2 months ago, he was leaving to go there to finally fix it all up so me and the kids could go visit. It�s about 5 hours away.

The day he left happened to be the 6 yr. anniversary of his wife's death. I asked him if he was OK and he said he was, but he said that it was harder this yr. as the day fell on the same day of the week that she died. He came over before he left. My birthday was the next week and he wanted to order a piece of jewelry for me and wanted to know if it was something I still wanted. It was a ring, not like an engagement or anything. I had mentioned to him I always wanted something like that. So he actually ordered it that day and was to have it delivered to his house. I gave him some food to take for the trip. He kissed me goodbye and left. He called me while enroute to chat and said he�d call when he got back, which was usually in 2 days.

Well I'm still waiting for that call, and it�s been almost 2 months. He never even acknowledged my birthday

I contacted the police when I didn�t hear from him to make sure he was OK. They told me if he wants to contact me he will. I took that as he was OK.

I contacted a relative who told me that he was still at the house.

Finally I went over to this relatives house to bring back something I had borrowed from him. I asked him to please give it to him the next time he saw him. He said he would. I told him I thought it was crappy that he just fell off the face of the earth and I haven�t heard from him. He said yeah he should have called you. He offered no info whatsoever.

So my question is what happened?

Things were FINE between us. No evidence of any issues. I honestly do not think it is another woman, just because of the way he is, I can almost guarantee there isn't.

Did he have a breakdown because it was his wife's anniversary and decided he wasn�t ready for a relationship? and was to scared to tell me because of all the pain my ExH caused me?

I would think he would be a man though to break up with me in person and not just ignore me.

I've left him quite a few voicemails, texts, nothing...

I don�t even think he�s living at his apt. anymore as his car is gone. I can�t get a hold of the landlord, he�s never around.

What do all of you think?

Would a wife�s death 6 yrs. ago cause this, or is it pure selfishness, that he likes doing his own thing and doesn�t want to be bothered with me anymore.

His father died a year after his wife, and his mother committed suicide when he was a kid, so he�s had a lot of issues throughout his life�

Even my IC told me she is totally puzzled on this...

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Walk away and leave this alone. The details are less important IMO then his actions which are loud and clear, leave me alone. he is ignoring all your attempts at contact that is harsh at best. Its been months and he has never reached out shows he is not in a place you wish to be. Find the goodness in the removal of him sooner them later.

best of luck


Me-32-FWW/Him-35-CWH
DD/PA-3/10
Expo-6/16/10
PC-7/16/10-9/25/10
Moved out 8/12/10
PLAN B-9/25/10 A light shade of Gray.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, " I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes" Eleanor Roosevelt
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catgirl Offline OP
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I guess I just want answers. I thought we were in the same place. We didn't talk M, but we were committed, not seeing anyone else etc.

Yes it is very clear that he does not want me, but what happened?

His actions over these past 9 months never indicated that he didn't want me in his life, that's for sure. He was talking about putting me as a beneficiary on his life insurance policy as he just started a new job.

He left and things were fine. He was making plans for my b day.

What could have changed in a weekend?

I guess that's what puzzles me so. I just wish he would tell me why he decided he wants to be left alone.

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Originally Posted by catgirl
I guess I just want answers. I thought we were in the same place. We didn't talk M, but we were committed, not seeing anyone else etc.

Yes it is very clear that he does not want me, but what happened?

His actions over these past 9 months never indicated that he didn't want me in his life, that's for sure. He was talking about putting me as a beneficiary on his life insurance policy as he just started a new job.

He left and things were fine. He was making plans for my b day.

What could have changed in a weekend?

I guess that's what puzzles me so. I just wish he would tell me why he decided he wants to be left alone.

Well, this didn't happen in a weekend. Something was going on behind the scenes that you weren't aware of. Cut your losses and run. Sorry.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Maybe his wife found about you?

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His wife died 6 years before. Are you implying that maybe he had remarried and was having an A?
blessing


atena
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catgirl Offline OP
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Yes his wife died. I've visited her grave...

Also, forgot to mention in my earlier post, but his wife was ill most of their marriage of 15 years. So he took care of her...

Honestly don't think he has another woman. Not to be at all mean, but he's not the most attractive guy, and women just aren't flocking to his feet...

And if he did have another wife/woman, then it would be on weekends only as he was with me M-F. Only went up to his other house a few times a month on weekends to take care of it...

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IDK what this guy is up to but I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had to go thru this....It sucks.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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(((cat)))

All we can do is guess. Perhaps he was not through grieving yet. Why not hold on to that thought instead of thinking it was YOU that was the problem. I am sure your exH's betrayal makes it harder for you to believe that it is not some flaw in you that drove this man away as well. I don't think so. It is him.

I am very sorry.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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catgirl Offline OP
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Thanks,

Yeah that is what I am doing. Thinking here we go again...It must be me...ExH did it to me, now him.

I know people will think I am looking through rose colored glasses here, but when I tell you, this is the honest to goodness truth...

He was WONDERFUL to me. We had some VERY honest discussions about feelings, etc, etc. No way would I ever have thought he would do this to me by the way he treated me these past several months.

I mean looking back now with my ExH, I too thought he couldn't have done this to me, but there were signs. We fought alot, didn't listen to each other, respect each other's feelings etc.

I made sure this time around I would do things differently and I did. There were no arguments, nothing. He helped me financially, although I paid him back. He helped me round the house. Fixed my car. He was just wonderful all around. Things were going so well. That is why I am so confused. Maybe he got tired of in a way being my caretaker too? But it realy wasn't like that...

He even told me that he thinks we never stopped loving each other after all these years even though we had other spouses, and he was right.

I made it clear to him that if there was something he didn't like about me or about what I did, to please tell me, as I would do the same for him. He said if there is something I don't like I will tell you, but there's not...Lies??

Yeah it might be him grieving, but we had many talks about her death and he said he was over her. He knew she wasn't coming back, and he had to move on.

But why be such a coward and not even acknowledge me? If he thinks he would hurt me by telling me it's over, doesn't he know it's hurting me more now?!

My IC thinks he had an emotional breakdown. After hearing me tell her about him, she feels he was a decent guy who just couldn't take it anymore. She feels he will contact me eventually, but then it will be up to me to take him back or not...

Cat

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Originally Posted by catgirl
, but believe it or not, I never had closure as to why we broke up almost 30 yrs. ago

Unless you can remember dumping this guy 30 years ago, I think you're seeing a bit of a pattern here.

People can be weird. Sometimes people get in too deep and don't have the emotional skills (or courage) to do the right thing. So they disappear and hope you'll get the message without a messy confrontation.

Who knows what happened? After all, even if you did something WRONG, his response shows that when there is a problem, he flakes out. Not something you want for an SO, IMO.

Be glad you had the time together that you enjoyed--and if he comes back around again in 30 years, just say no!

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catgirl Offline OP
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He broke up with me way back when. Just told me he didn't want to go out with me anymore. Never gave me a "real" answer then. But he told me in person, just didn't disappear and make me wonder.

When we got back now he said he thinks he broke up with me then because he knew I wanted to get M'd and have kids, and he did not want kids...

Cat

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I know you feel the need to understand, and though you likely never will you can be rest assured that the problem lies with him, not you. He might be just a coward that's too afraid to face you, or he might just be rude with no manners, or he might think buying you a ring is too much of a sign of commitment, or he might be too emotionally immature or he might be a sociopath. He's definitely not worth getting back because you'll never know when it will happen again.

Let him go Catgirl. Following him around, looking for his car at his appartment, talking to his relatives and calling/texting all the time is considered stalking by some. Don't do this to yourself.

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catgirl Offline OP
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Just sucks that he knew how much pain my ExH caused me, called him an [censored] for doing that to me, promised me he would never be like him...

Go figure...

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He might not have disappeared back then, but his MO was the same--he didn't tell you what the problem was or try to resolve it, he just walked away from the relationship.

This has nothing to do with you. This has everything to do with who he is and how he deals with relationships.

Just let it go--this is not something that can be fixed with better deoderant or hotter lingerie, LOL!


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catgirl Offline OP
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Well I guess I do take it personally as he's done this twice to me. Didn't do it to his wife, so what's wrong with me?!

Cat

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no, catgirl, it is not your problem, it is his problem.
You do not know for sure the kind of R he had with his wife and at this point you cannot trust what he told you.
He has some big issues. Some people just disappear like that because it is probably to painful to face the issues that prevent them from forming meaningful relationships.
Maybe he realized he was getting in too deep with you and was not able to tell you he was not ready for it....so he opted for no contact.
Very childish indeed
Blessing


atena
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A similar thing happened to me long ago. A guy I was dating vanished without a word. It was confusing and I made myself crazy about it. I went to his fitness club after two weeks of the unexpected silent treatment and found him there on a treadmill. Nobody else was in the room, so I was able to demand an explanation. He gave one ("I just needed time apart and didn't know how to tell you.") and then I ended it by officially breaking us up, no guessing required. I felt good after that regardless of his reason because at least I forced him to face me. I had not known how weak he was before he pulled this stunt of making me guess that we had probably broken up. I was glad to find out this about his character so that I could move on to someone much more suitable for me.

P.S. Later I found out that he had actually "Dumped Me In Silence" for a new co-worker who looked a lot like his dead wife.

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catgirl Offline OP
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Well it is all so bizarre that's for sure.

I guess I'm just revisitng the feelings from my ExH 4 yrs ago when I found out about his A and to this day he still hasn't talked about it or admitted it, so there was really no formal closure for me.

Now this crap.

The way he was talking to me sounded like he wanted a future at some point. I mean I didn't want to get married tomorrow either, but eventually, and he sounded OK with that, at least with having a LTR.

Why be so cowardly and put me through this? As I said he knows the hell my ExH put me through...

And then put my kids through this as well? My DS finally a male figure back in his life nearly everyday, and this guy included my DS in doing things...fixing my car, putting stuff together etc.

Why be so mean?

Cat

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Dumping You in Silence, if that is indeed what he has done, is self-centered. He is clueless, not mean. His focus is on himself and he doesn't know what kind of pain he has caused for you by not telling you the truth.

You know what this means? It means he is not who you thought he was, so you can move on to the next thing.

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