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#243388 01/28/04 12:31 AM
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Hi all, I was wondering if I could get some input from you all. I have been feeling very withdrawn from W in the last couple months because she has been for about a year. Long story short, I am one of the people on this board that was told "I love you very much but am not in love with you". It has been a very distressful long road and it has made me withdraw as well. Not to mention when she said she needed her space and told me to not bother her for sex "let it be my idea"(speaking her words) and when I gave that wish she hasn't made any attemp to be intimate. Off the subject for a second, this is the longest sex dry spell I have ever had since I was a teenager. Back on the subject, I wrote her an email today saying I wanted to talk to her about where we are headed together, since she is supposedly trying to make this work, I see no effort or progress. She replied "that makes me sick to my stomach to hear, but I geuss we should face it and talk about it". Well, she used to say things like "I don't feel like it right now" or just straight up "not today". I am kind of confused as to why she would say it makes her sick to her stomach to hear that. Those were the feelings I got when she dropped the bomb a year ago but that is because of my deep love I had for her.

At this point in time, I know the 'grass is greener" on the other side, I still do not want to go there until I have no more hope of getting back what we had. I am almost ready to jump ship though. I can't live my life emotionless and without intimacy or even kindness and freindship. She says she is my best friend, but then why can't we have a conversation like friends do. At night she doesn't say 20 words to me and works hard at pretending there is nothing wrong. So again, why would she say it makes her sick to her stomach to hear that. If she really is that withdrawn and gone from our relationship, then you would think that she would want to have that conversation so she could get out. You would think she would be pretty emotionless. At our last couple mC appts, she was wanting seperation and I said that would probably send me off the deep end (withdrawal) and I didn't want to go there. Maybe she is going to drop the hammer tonight, who knows. I guess I will know alittle more after we have this talk tonight, I am not looking forward to it but I cannot live in limbo anymore. I need to see some effort on her part because it has been all me for the last year.

She has also stopped reading her Marriage books and now refuses to go to MC anymore.

Without intimacy and friendship, there is nothing left to strive for, except maybe someone else who cares.

Anyway, just wondering what y'all think. Thanks in advance.

#243389 01/28/04 12:51 AM
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I can't live my life emotionless and without intimacy or even kindness and freindship. She says she is my best friend, but then why can't we have a conversation like friends do. At night she doesn't say 20 words to me and works hard at pretending there is nothing wrong. So again, why would she say it makes her sick to her stomach to hear that.

Sounds like you do need some H/O. Sounds like she is feeling bad about things, and doesn't want to get this out in the open. Due to embarassment/shame? Those are powerful walls to getting toward truth and intimacy.

If she really is that withdrawn and gone from our relationship, then you would think that she would want to have that conversation so she could get out. You would think she would be pretty emotionless.

Whatever it is, if it is bothering you bet you it is bothering her too. She may be confused and lots of things. But the sooner we get those honest cards on the table, the sooner we can work towards resolution.


At our last couple mC appts, she was wanting seperation and I said that would probably send me off the deep end (withdrawal) and I didn't want to go there.

I think you need to get your questions answered. She needs to tell it to you, whatever it is. Sometimes we need to wait to tell a thing out of fear, anxiety, confusion. But it is important to be able to hear the story.

Maybe she is going to drop the hammer tonight, who knows. I guess I will know alittle more after we have this talk tonight, I am not looking forward to it but I cannot live in limbo anymore. I need to see some effort on her part

Whatever she needs to tell, it has been sitting there already. Already whatever it is was done. And getting this out and open is the only way to solve anything. It is very difficult for a spouse to admit how wrong they were. .

#243390 01/27/04 01:12 PM
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I am in the exact boat, except today at our first MC session, which she agreed to go to, we are considering separation. (He loves me, but not in love with me) for details.
No, they dread talking to you because they do not want to have the conversation or give you hope or go over and over the same scenario. She has been withdrawn and isolated for so long, because decisions were made without me.

#243391 01/27/04 01:24 PM
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Riverdog - Hang in there, my friend. I know what you are facing. I have gone nearly 10 months without knowing "the story". My time of finding out is fast approaching as our case will be in front of the judge in the next 30-60 days. Of course, by then nearly a year would have gone by. Time flies when we're having fun, huh?

#243392 01/27/04 06:55 PM
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Riverdog

I've been wondering where your great sense of humor went, haven't heard from you lately, but from this post, I can read your pain and frustration.

I am not good at advise yet, because at 3 weeks, I am new to this. I can share my attitude right now and that is this "I am choosing the path of least resistance". In other words, I am tired of crying, trying to reason, etc...I'll just go along for the ride for a while, live off of his wallet until I can't take it anymore.

The other night, when we were finally 1/2 way getting along, he started this "I am not physically involved with anyone and don't plan to be" (yeah, o.k. and I was born yesterday, whatever) anyways, I told him this "I respect your friendship with these females (that's my nice way of putting it), and as long as you can commit to staying faithful to me while we are still married, I am o.k. with it" Sounds reasonable, right? His reply "I can not commit to being faithful to you right now, I don't know what the future is to bring, I have no exact plans of being unfaithful but I can't make a promise I can't guarantee to keep".. WHOA!!! HOLD THE FORT HERE What the ruck reorge!!!

Well, I told him to get the F out of the house and don't come back, I will not tolerate this anylonger. He refused to leave cuz he promised my mother and my sister that he would stay and take care of the kids and I. I don't NEED him, I am smart and strong and I am starting to plan a life without him, far away.

Then, the next day that quote came to me "lead the path of least resistance", I am pretty sure it was something drilled in my head being brought up STRICT Roman Catholic. I will try this until I can get my girls and my plans down to a science, then, if he doesn't see the NEW AND IMPROVED ME that he's searching for, I will be the one dropping the next bomb. Let the games begin.

#243393 01/27/04 09:13 PM
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bal, make sure you find a good mc because we tried 3 that all sucked. No resolutions, no plans, just pissing contests. That is why nothing is resolved or even in the open. M, if you are planning a life far away, then let him do what he wants cause if he does, you get the whole enchilada. I am not advocating it but it sure would be a whole lot easier and decisive, don't ya think?

Anyway, when I came into the room tonight after my workout, she was just getting ready for her workout class. Boy was it cold in here. I have a feeling some **** is really going to hit the fan tonight. I don't want her to leave, I don't want to end it but this was her doing and I am going to put the hammer down myself tonight. I'll tell you, if you knock someone down and they pick themselves back up, you better be ready for it. I have gained enough of my self confidence back to take something back for myself. This is not only her life here we are talking about. Well, I have to try not to get too fiesty so I will come back and share what transpired. Lord I hope it is good though.


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