Hello everyone.
I don't know how to start this so I will just say what I am feeling.
I am so discouraged, I don't think my husband loves me anymore even though he says he does. He tells me he hates me, he tells me he can't stand me, he ignores me, leaves me alone for days when working, has cheated on me several times in the past and neglects me, tells me he wants me to sleep with other men, won't use protection when sleeping with me after my health has been jeopardized by him, he says he won't because that would an admission of guilt and he isn't cheating on me anymore, and said that if I refuse to sleep with him, then there is no point in us being together anymore.
I am on a total emotional roller coaster, I don't want to leave him, but I want away from the situation or I want it to change, I have tried so many times to talk to him about these issues, and he told me to get use to it because it isn't going to change anytime soon. We have had a history of breaking up, separating, and then getting back together for more than 21 years.
I have spent most of my life with him and put up things I never should have, it seems all he does is takes advantage of my forgiveness, and takes advantage of me putting up with the things he does.
He purposely makes me worry about every little thing, and then tells me he can't stand that I am so paranoid about stuff. I need real help here, right now I cannot get out and find a councilor because of financial situation.
I don't know rather to leave or not, because I am afraid I will loose him forever, and then I think well it looks like you already have. I just can't seem to face it, all those years together and 3 children, and spending my teenage years with him, he has been apart of my family for years, and my sisters and brothers are close to him. This is like loosing apart of me. I don't know what do anymore.
He says that he loves me, he is gone alot because of his Job, he says he won't spend time with me because all I ever want to do is talk about our marriage, and we end up arguing. He does everything in his power to avoid me, I try and see his side of things, but it's hard when I am hurting so much inside. It's hard that when I do get see him when he is home, he walks right past me and ignores me, except when he wants something from me, It is horrible living with daily rejection from the man you love so dearly.
The other day he called me from his hotel room after midnight, which he never does, and I asked him if he got called to come yet, he said No, and I said well then why r you calling me you never do until you get to work, and he said "Well we just woke up awhile ago, and I said what did you say, and he said we just woke up awhile ago, I said we, and he said No I meant I. I was so furious I hung up on him, he never calls me back when I hang up on him, but this time he called me 3 times and on the 3rd call I answered the phone, and he said why didn't you answer the phone and I said , you have nothing to say I want to hear and he said let me explain, and I said fine, he told me that it was the TV I heard say that not him.
This is the kind of stuff I deal with on a weekly basis, and he wonders why I am so paranoid.
I have already made plans to move out of the state because there is no one here in this state for me, except my husband. I know he thinks I will never go because even if I did leave I always came back. That’s just the problem, I will always want to come back to him, he is the one and only man I have ever been with and have ever loved. But I feel in coming back to him just allows him to keep treating me badly, so How do I face ending my marriage permentaly and moving on with my life with out him?
