Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
#243488 01/27/04 06:37 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 105
B
bal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 105
I know there are no cut and dried answers, too many questions without answers. But once the spouse, W in my case, has given the "I'm not in love with you, I never loved you," speech and many other negative things about the "relationship" and "marriage" and "I can't do this anymore," and has torn your heart and soul out, and has decided a separation would be beneficial (as prompted by MC), does the spouse ever find "feelings" or consider being in the relationship (though it seems they never were) or is the distance too great once they are gone to want to come back?
I confess still, I do not know what x months fully apart will do. I think it will only reinforce the distance W has already established and help her to continue justifying her actions/feelings/desires. She does not want to be here or in this relationship and I believe time away will only confirm that
Despite what she says, "I'm wary when someone says they love me; you don't even know what makes me tick." I love her with all my heart and I have to let go of that.
And I know I'm supposed to be positive and present for me and the children, but what is the best thing(s) I could do?

#243489 01/27/04 08:32 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
bal--
I am sorry, I do not know your whole story. Having been a recipient of the ever-popular "I love you but am not in-love with you" speech, I know that sometimes a marriage can indeed recover.

I agree with your assessment that separation is not usually conducive to recovery, however.

What are her complaints about the marriage? Any ideas on what she might feel is missing? Is there another man involved?

Kathi

#243490 01/27/04 08:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 524
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 524
Bal

My opinion....Leave the quitter alone, walk away with head in the air, you are the better person.

#243491 01/27/04 08:51 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 105
B
bal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 105
I started post some time back, "Saving Marriage," prior to 10 days, which covers a lot of what is going on. Also many posts under "He says he loves me, but not "in" love," and Husband in not "in love" with me.

I told you the !@#$%^& BOMB was going to drop. “I do not love you. I’ve never loved you.” “My mind set is still the same; nothing has changed.” “When I married you; I did not know you and it was easier not to get to know you, because then this is easier.” “When we got married, we did not know each other and have not tried to know each other. It was easier and it made this easier. This was inevitable. I married you because I knew I did not have to get to know you. It is about my relationships and the way I form attachments.” “And I don’t see anyway we can build a relationship. It is about trust issues. I cannot get past that. When I needed someone, it wasn’t you I was looking for and you were not there, anyway.”

I could go on, but the answer is the same. We were never married or intimate, though I’m hard pressed to understand how you have 3 children and no emotional intimacy?

I am willing to help her and to build with her and learn about her and love her. “I’m wary when anyone says they love you; you don’t even know what makes me tick?”
But she is completely unwilling or unable or incapable. She wants to be friends, I do not see how this is possible. I do not even think I can have her around here anymore. If she’s here, I think she wants to be.

I’m beyond sick. I’m beyond numb. Everything I see around here, will remind me of her. I thought I cried before, little did I know.

Here is, I hope a short excerpt from what I've been feeling. She says there is no one else, but I have doubt. I really do not undertand. I am sick and numb and foolish and believed one thing and she believes another and I must accept the reality.

Thanks for your insight.

#243492 01/27/04 09:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 154
Y
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 154
"I love you but am not in love you" from a wife and mother of 3 children should make you suspicious about the possibility that she is having an affair which of course, she will deny . If you can afford it hire a P.I. to check out this possibility. Meanwhile you need to focus on making yourself mentally and physically healthy.

#243493 01/27/04 10:26 PM
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 138
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 138
Seperation can also help your spouse realize she does miss you and love you and want to be with you. If you set her free and she doesn't come back, well, that's a chance you might just have to take. It is my opinion you fight against seperation until there is no hope left. You have been to one MC and that was their analysis? Get seperated? After one visit? Dump that bozo and get another one. Since, in my opinion, like yours is that seperation can cause more distance and be more harmful than good, but sometimes it will help imensly. Do you remember when you were in highschool and you had a girlfriend? You two take a time out from each other and regroup.

like I said, I would fight against it until there is no other option. Do some more counselling first. I would also try and regroup your own self before that happens, if it does. It could take months, but you will be in alot better shape mentally if it comes to that.

Just my $.02 [Big Grin]

#243494 01/28/04 06:17 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 524
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 524
I agree with Riverdog,

Get another counselor. Or maybe a therapist instead. I just started researching the differences. One good site is 4therapy.com to start. I believe that a therapist is going to guide you down a road of healing and leave whether you stay together or break up to you, I think anyways. I haven't researched it that much yet, I gotta get going on it though. Not enough time in the day.

The old saying "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it was yours, if it doesn't it was never yours to begin with."

Bunch of hog wash if you ask me. For 1. What if that something gets "captured". and 2. My H and I set each other free after we dated for a couple of months, we went out and "sowed our wild oats" and then by pure fate, we ran into each other at the exact moment I was telling a friend that I was thinking of getting back with him, he pulled in the parking lot and asked me to go for a ride with him. We had to seperate for 6 months during desert storm. That was the last time of seperation, the rest is history. So how many times more do I have to set him free??

#243495 01/28/04 07:01 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
bal--

OK, I went back and read a bunch of your posts. Here's my take, for what it is worth. Your wife is dealing with changes in herself; she's reached a point where she is not happy with who she is or with her life...part of which is the marriage. People often feel that if they just change the marriage, everything will be different. That's not to say the marriage could not be improved by you both, but I think a lot of this is internal issues.

You say you do not want to be divorced. You are at a very dangerous point, however. She's left, and if she is not interested in someone else yet, she may soon be at the rate she is going.

No, you cannot force her to come back, but what you do and say during the separation can make a big difference. What you need now is a gameplan, rather than letting her actions and your re-actions dictate your moves. I would strongly urge you to get some coaching (yes, just you) either here from MB or from Penny (who is a MB-trained coach: saveyourmarriagecentral.com).

Good luck--

Kathi

#243496 01/28/04 08:14 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 524
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 524
Kam

I am seriously considering scheduling counseling with Penny. I do have the money to pay for the fees for a month, but I am frightened that this will not work and it will be less money that I have for my children and I to move on. What can you tell me about Penny?

Thanks

#243497 01/28/04 09:48 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 105
B
bal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 105
It is absolutely about her, this has been/is the difficult part. She will not let me in to help me or her understand and finally I've quit forcing the issue. It is about internal struggle and something she is not content with and yes, the marriage is part, but right now and most likely in the future, she is not interested/willing to work on the marriage.
Separation is not good in my mind, that is just an easy step away from the next option. But her being here is difficult for me, because I believe she wants to be here and we are miserable and negative around each other. I can't live like that, but I do not relish the thought of her not being here.
Yes, I must have a plan, letting her know I have genuine concern and willingness to work on the relationship and rebuilding the marriage. But I do not know how to do it without forcing the issue or seeming desperate.
I loved her the only way I knew how and if that was not enough and if she unwilling to consider building from her, there is little I can do.
If she physically dreads coming here and being around me, then x months away will only ease that condition and offer nothing for her to come back to. If it is better when she’s not here, then why return? Risk/reward. I must accept x months will not develop her feelings or let her get past all the issues and she will no longer be a daily part of my/our life.

Thanks guys

I think talking about this is supposed to help, but it only makes me sick and miserable and miss what I thought I had.

#243498 01/28/04 04:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 105
B
bal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 105
I know the answer, but I do appreciate the honest and helpful feedback from everyone. Can I ask if x months away is going to change her feelings/desires/beliefs and if she wants to be here with me? Is there anyway to bring the subject up or should I wait during the separation until she wants to bring up her feelings?
How do I let her know without being pushy or desperate, she is important and the M is important and I have care and concern for her and will talk and listen if she needs? Or is it too far gone if she won't do that now?

#243499 01/28/04 06:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 493
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 493
Speaking from my personal experience, separation was just a transition to divorce and nothing else. XW told me, family and friends that she may change her mind and hoped a sepration will help her figure things out.

Well, as I guessed, she never had second thoughts. She more or less played mind games with me. She would tell me one thing to my face and then do the exact opposite legally (by continuing with the divorce). She never even slowed it down, if anything, she sped things up.

Now, my XW was/is generally a cold, unhappy person and I am sure she felt a divorce would make things better for HER. Not US or the boys, but for HER alone. She became so selfish and is more selfish now. I know it has only been 3 months, but she is not any happier today than she was 1 year ago.

#243500 01/29/04 01:13 AM
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 138
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 138
Formerly L-I-L, I agree with you 100% in your opinion of seperation. You know what, I am going to just let it happen now. I'll tell you after our little talk last night, knowing it is inevitably what W wants I just let go. If she comes back, great...if not I'll have to find the silver lining in it somewhere. I do know this, today I felt better than I have felt in a long time. I was totally at peace with it all and have accepted that with time, I'll be back on my feet to live my life the way it was meant to be. All my personal goals are right on target and my self confidence is 100%. In a way I have prepared myself for the the worst but fought hard for the best. It takes two to Tango though. And I still believe what I said, after all this, if you set it free...You can't always control what happens in your life but control what you can and learn from your mistakes.

#243501 01/29/04 07:47 AM
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,741
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 1,741
bal,

I sense a separation in your situation would not be benificial. There is no quick fix to your marriage, but there is a quick end through divorce.

I would discount the statement's for now, as your W is on the fence. Your W say's that she doesn't know you, it is time to teach her who you are. Dont tell her, show her. Dont question your W's love for you, question your love for your W, and find just how far your willing to go to prove it.

#243502 01/29/04 08:40 AM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 105
B
bal Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 105
Part of me wants her to stay of course, but part of me cannot have her here, because if she's here, I think she wants to be here. If I say now, you do not have to leave, I don't know, but she would resist, making the situation more difficult and unhealthy. I want to show her I miss her and love her and she is important to the family, but I don't know how without appearing to try too hard or force anything.
And of course, I go through all kinds of self-debate, time away will help her see I do care and time away will push her farther away. But I cannot control her feelings. But I read some amazing things last night, that are really, really helping if I can believe in them. I must, I have no choice.

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 19 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,565
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5