Ok�so I have posted before, and have been struggling through my marriage. This post is more of a vent, but I am looking for any feedback. I am hoping that there is something that i am missing, overlooking, or just plan not understanding.

Here is the history�.

10 years ago, I met the man that became my husband. We hit it off great, and really seemed perfect for each other. At the time, it seemed that not only did we have so much in common, but we had similar views and backgrounds. So, I, in my excitement and feeling of absolute love, I asked him to marry me. (Retrospectively, not the best idea.) We did not get married right away�we began living together for the first year and a half. About a year into things, I found out I was pregnant, and when I told him, he was excited and supportive, but unfortunately, I lost the pregnancy to a miscarriage, and we moved on. When we first started living together, he demanded I call one of my ex-boyfriends, who was a very good friend of mine at the time, and tell him that he and I can no longer be friends, and I did it. In addition, he only had extremely negative things to say about every guy friend I had. So, over time, I stopped talking to them and spending time with them, so now I really only have three friends that I still talk to (all women) and he still makes all sorts of negative comments about them.

So, we got married in 2001, right after I landed my dream job, and was feeling on top of the world. Things started going downhill at that point. He became sullen and withdrawn. Stopped talking to me and having sex with me. Needless to say, problems started brewing. Then after another year, I found out I was pregnant and gave birth to our beautiful daughter. Still I worked up until the day before I gave birth. He still was withdrawing from me. At that point, I did a lot of crying, begging, and pleading, all to no avail. Then I discovered that he was spending hours everyday talking to his ex-girlfriend, and confronted him. He gave me BS responses like, "I needed someone to talk to," "she is having problems in her marriage," and all the things that I now know are typical wayward speak. So, eventually, that relationship dwindled, and now I don't think he talks to her at all. We move on.

In 2006, my worst fears were confirmed. He almost died in a grocery store because he was a closet heroin addict. Apparently, one of the possible side effects of that particular drug is a nasty case of asthma, and he had the monster of asthma attacks while shopping for groceries, called me to say he was having a heart attack, and promptly passed out. By the time, I got to the store, he was in an ambulance. The EMT asked me if he was on any drugs because he was fighting them pretty bad for someone unconscious. I told them I don't know for sure, but I suspected it was possible, but I wouldn't know which drug. They rushed him to the hospital with me following behind. When I got to the ER, I ran into the EMT people, who told me that we were lucky because he had slipped away, and they weren't able to resuscitate him, and were pulling into the ER as a DOA, but then he suddenly responded. When I saw him, he was still out. I sat at the ER the whole time, waiting for the blood test results, but the lab didn't get back to the hospital before he was admitted, and once in his room, he requested that I go home because he wanted to be alone.

The next morning, I received a call from his mother. She had called the nurses station to check on him, and the nurse who answered the phone explained to her that he was in detox from an addiction. Then she spoke with him, and he came clean to her. He asked her to call me to break the news. I called him after speaking with her, and he broke down in tears and told me that he couldn't tell me himself because he was afraid that I would leave him, and that he was doing drugs because I was "so perfect" and never did anything wrong, blah, blah, blah. So, I made a decision to support my family, as my attention wasn't 100% on my family, and I need to do better. So, I quit my job, and became a real estate agent, despite the fairly successful career I built for myself (which was also for my family).

To his credit, he did enter a rehab program immediately, and got clean, and has not touched the stuff since. (Yay!!!) He also became nicer and more loving and supportive. I thought that I finally had back the man I fell in love with. Then, the world changed and market crashed, and though I did well my first year as a full time real estate agent, things became harder. He opened a body shop (with funds from my business), and we were going to manage the business together. Well, over a period of time (a short period of time), his [censored] behavior started again. Suddenly, I stopped feeling welcome at the shop, and all of his workers and friends there started acting funny around me, and there was a woman that was there a lot as a customer of his.

Well, with the crash of the market, we ended up losing everything. All of my income (which was dramatically reduced) went to supporting our life, and very little money was coming from the shop. His grandmother became sick, and my daughter and I were living in a house with no heat because the gas company shut off our gas because the bill had gotten to over $2500 and we just didn't have it. He stayed with his mom to help with his grandmother. One day, he called me to ask if he could spend time with our daughter. I told him yes, and let him come get her. I took her to his mother's house, then came back to our house. He talked to me, telling me that he didn't want to lose his family, and would I please stay with him. He needs to find a new place that we all could live in, so he could take care of his mother and grandmother, and he didn't want to lose me and our daughter. I agreed, though at that point, I was looking for an inexpensive apartment that I could afford.

We moved into the house, and once again, he was nicer and more loving and supportive. Then, suddenly, again, he was an [censored]. I started going through his phone. I found a text message to the woman that had been hanging out at his shop (which was now closed due to his gross mismanagement) saying "take off your panties." I confronted him. I gave a BS answer. We fought, but kept going. One night, he uncharacteristically went out, allegedly with his cousin, and was out until 6 in the morning. When he came home, he had sex with me, of the hot and urgent variety. This struck me as a red flag. Things at our house was quickly falling apart. His mother and I don't get along, as she is constantly doing things to make me look like a bad mother and wife. I am filling up with anger and resentment. He is withdrawing more and more. One day, after a particularly bad day with his mother, I called my family in tears and asked for money to buy airline tickets for my daughter and I to move in with them. A couple of weeks later, I looked at his phone, and found a series of text messages to one person, usually at 2 in the morning, when i was sleeping. I woke him up and confronted him about them. He admitted it was a woman he was seeing that he met on the night that he went out, blah, blah, blah. He swore he was done, but every night around 2 am, she would send him text messages. Finally, I revealed that I was leaving him. He broke down in tears, but didn't say much. But the texting and calling kept on going. I confronted again, and he changed his passwords.

I left. He came out to visit our daughter on her birthday, and upon his return, as he was getting off the plane, he called me, apologizing, and said he couldn't stand that we were so far apart, living in squalor, blah, blah, blah. He wanted us to move back home. After several months of negotiating and going back and forth, I decided to come back home. After getting back home, I snooped and discovered all sorts of inappropriate behavior he indulged in while we were gone. Then I snooped in his phone, and found photos of him having sex with someone that I suspected was the woman that hung out at his shop, but he claimed they were working together, and this time I stopped confronting, just snooping and stacking evidence. The only concrete thing I had was the photos and all the rest were possibly explainable.

Then one day, as I was heading to a doctor's appt., the woman's boyfriend was outside of our house looking for me. He told me she and my husband were sleeping together. He saw texts about hotel rooms, and had her phone, which showed sexts between she and my husband, and he gave me the phone. I blew up at my husband, who immediately said he was done with her, and called her and left a message that they were over. But the next day, I found a text from him to her telling her not to answer any calls. I confronted again, and he told me, he needed to be a man, and a man wouldn't let someone go through his phone and watch him all of the time.

I withdrew for months. I stopped speaking with him and all people in his family. I took care of my daughter. I flew my daughter to my mom's house (and I suspect the woman was with him). When he came back 2 weeks later, he seemed to have a change of heart. Our relationship seemed to be important to him, and he started spending time with me, took me to Vegas, and having sex with me, and so on. Then, he went to visit his family in AZ and though I suspected the woman was with him, he had me pick him up from the airport. At the airport, as we waited for his luggage on the last flight in from AZ, out walked the woman to wait for her bag too. They had, in fact, gone on a vacation to AZ where he had her with his family (who hates me). He took her shopping, to casinos, blah blah blah.

I walked away from him at the airport, while he stood there lying to me about how she came to be traveling with him. It was 12:30 in the morning, and no public transportation immediately available for me. He kept calling my cell. I finally answered and basically told him I was completely done. He was angry with me at first, then started telling me all this crap about loving me, and wanting our family, but being tired of hurting me with his actions and choices. I had him pick me up from where i was and came home. After a short conversation, I stopped talking.

The next day, he apologized and said he didn't intend on hurting me. He promised to make changes and told her they were through. Then, he started exhibiting these changes. He started including me in his business. Taking me with him everywhere he went. But he still keeps his cell phone with him (on him) at all times. He still texts and deletes things from his phone. He says he is being honest, but he doesn't want to discuss this crap at all, and he gets angry with me if I ask a question or bring something up. For me, there are triggers everywhere, and I am finding this situation harder and harder to live with.

He told me that the reason he felt justified in his choices is because of the fact that I don't cook, clean, or take care of our daughter well. (By the way, I do. In fact, I am the one the puts all the time into her although it has been hard for me lately as I have been in a continual state of depression.) He said it is embarrassing when she goes to school with smudges on her shoes or a not perfectly matched wardrobe. He told me that I cut him out of raising our daughter and usurped him. (Also, not true. He used as an example, when he tells her something to do or something as fact, she asks him if I said so.) I have always tried (from my side, desperately) to have him engaged in all decisions concerning her, from raising her to doctor's appointments, schools, etc. Every time he barely pays attention, and then says whatever I decide. If she asks him for something, or if she can do something, he says, ask your mom. He lies to her. After the guy came to our house (in front of her) threatening him and yelling that he was sleeping with his long-term girlfriend, my daughter asked him why that guy was at our house, and he told her it was because he wanted him to fix his car and my husband refused to. He breaks promises to her all the time, and when she calls him on it, he gets an attitude, as if she is being ungrateful.

Now for us, he gets angry with me, and keeps trying to make me feel that I am crazy and unreasonable about all that has happened. He has maintained that they aren't sleeping together and that he doesn't care about her at all. I can hide my feelings and pretend that all is cool, but it isn't. I would say that now, I have plan A'd my A%% off, and still he finds faults with me, like telling me I smell like alcohol. I am too skinny (I recently went from 160 lbs to 125 lbs and I look pretty good. My hair isn't the way he would like. He doesn't compliment me, though men practically have accidents in the street trying to take a second look at me. And this woman is the exact opposite of me, with a beard a nasty marijuana habit and three jail-time convictions. She has a hair weave and her body and complexion are exactly the type he has always told me hated in women. I am naturally beautiful�not like a model, but I don't need makeup and I have a beautiful smile. Up until meeting him and his family, people have always loved my demeanor and found me well-mannered and well-tempered. I have always been helpful, and I am smart. He has painted me out to be a jealous, controlling, shrew who tries to dictate his life. He has told me he hasn't loved me for the last seven years. He always speaks of marriage and specifically our marriage as hell, and apparently something that women trick men into doing.

So, I know everyone will say leave, and I am right there, but I needed to get all of this out of my system, and say something out loud (not that the internet is out loud). I realize now, that a person has to want to change. When he decided to clean up from drugs he did so, no looking back. I also realize that addicts switch their drugs, and maybe this affair partner is his new addiction. I am tired of fighting about my basic human rights. And now, I am more of the mind set that I can show you better than tell you.

I guess, all of this is to reflect upon what has happened, see if I am crazy from other people's perspective, and ask if there is any chance that this sky may get blue. I have been lurking and posting on MB for years now (from the first D-Day). I have read about other selfish, narcissistic, [censored] husbands really changing, I have exposed, and apparently everyone knows anyway. To no avail. Not that I expected anything to change.

I guess I am just trying to feel better at this moment.

Thank you for hanging in.

You will feel better when you're out of this toxic environment, and know for sure that you won't ever, EVER go back!

tl

Thank you ... you are correct. I am working on getting out of this toxic environment ... and not coming back. (You made me smile... :)). I am sorry for posting so long, and I know this was all a rant. I am trying to not see any trees in this forest because I need to stay focused on this different dance I have been doing lately. This past couple of weeks have been really tough ones. My goal is no matter what to stay the shiny, happy person that I have been most of my life, but to add a whole lot more sincerity to that, as I feel in my past I was acting happy, but not really happy ...in the dissatisfied with what was in front of me kind of way. Now I am focusing on appreciating all the beautiful things, and really enjoyed this moment here and now.

Thank you, again, and thanks to all that have read my litany.

Good for you for knowing your worth, now apply it and remove the cancer from your life.

I am soo glad you are letting this evil toxic man go, it will be the best thing for you and your daughter.

A couple things I would do after you leave.

Block his email/phone/FB/ETC