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Good afternoon all,
My wife and I have been married 16 years and together for 18. I found out in August that she had an affair with her best friends brother, started out as talking and lead to her feeling in love with him. As far as I know they have only been together one time but they were talking all the time. Like so many of the others on here I hadn't given her everything she needed to feel loved. I accept that and am working my but off to do a better job. I know you might need more details and will provide them as needed.
I am not sure where we are at. she says she hasn't contacted him, he does live in a city about 90 miles away, I called and told his wife about 30 days into it and she said she didn't know about it, trying to expose it and making it harder for him since he was telling my wife that his wife already knew about it. So since this time, my wife swears to me that she isn't talking to him, I am not stupid and know it probably is happening but not sure how. I do know that my wifes best friend is the guys sister and they text all the time..I again agree with everything you are probably thinking!
So..this is where i am at..she is on the fence, tells her friends she doesn't know what she wants..doesn't seem to be movement either way..I think she is trying to figure out what he is doing with his wife. The whole time this is going on we are very polite and nice to each other we continue to go out and enjoy things together with our kids 14 and 16 and act as though everything is as close to normal as possible. She doesn't like to talk about it, so I try my best to leave it a lone. I am trying to be very happy and acting as though I am fine, which looks like what plan a is..my question is do I bring up her leaving or what do I do when I go to plan B? We do not have a physical relationship, we have tried once and she said she just didn't feel the conection but I still think she loves me but her feelings for him have really confused her. When I ask her if she wants to do stuff she almost always says yes. I know where she is almost 90 percent of the time she doesn't try to hide where she is going. So do I just continue to sorta back off and continue to be happy or at some point do I tell her if she isn't commited to working on this she should move out and go to plan B? She says she is here and open. My friends think I just need to give her time to figure things out, I hurt her for a long time. Sorry I know this is very disorganized and hope you can make sense of it!
Any help is greatly appreciated!
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Hi lovemywife! Welcome to Marriage Builders!
What I would do first is find out if she is still talking to him and then DEMAND she end contact. Put a keylogger on her computer, flexispy on her cell phone and slap a GPS and a voice activated recorder in her car. I strongly suspect she has just gone further underground.
The next critical thing you can do is expose the affair to your kids and close family members. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them ruins the fantasy. It is no fun to get high on an affair when everyone is looking on!
I would also suggest paying a visit to the OM. Ask him what his intentions are. Tell him there is no future with your wife because you will make his life a holy hell if he doesn't stay away. Tell him you will divorce your wife if it doesn't stop and you will have him subpeonaed into court to give testimony under oath about his affair. That will wake him up!
All of these things should help you kill the affair so that you have a chance to rebuild the love in your marriage. All of your efforts at meeting your wife's needs and working on your marriage are for naught unless this SCUMBUM OM is out of her life.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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o..this is where i am at..she is on the fence, tells her friends she doesn't know what she wants..doesn't seem to be movement either way.. I would have a talk with her and tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Show her this program and let her know you are willing to give her a chance to EARN your forgiveness, but you have no interest in staying in a loveless marriage. What it will take to restore the love in the marriage is a change in ACTIONS that this program would dicate. Explain you are not a sideline guy and will not be sitting here waiting for feelings to come that will never come unless there are some actions to follow. See, if you don't fight for this marriage and start setting some standards, you will lose, lovemywife. If you allow yourself to be at the mercy of a drunken wayward whose goal is the destruction of your marriage, you will have a destroyed marriage. So, you have to raise the bar here and start fighting for your marriage. It is not going to happen by magic. Waiting around for your wife to "get off the fence" is a fools mission tht will only result in your WW's wayward mentality becoming more entrenched. She grows more and more entitled by the day. Hand her this and tell her "this is what it will take to interest me in staying in this marriage:" Can't We Just Forgive and Forget? Print up this excerpt and tell her this is how it done: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am not sure where we are at. she says she hasn't contacted him, he does live in a city about 90 miles away, I called and told his wife about 30 days into it and she said she didn't know about it, trying to expose it and making it harder for him since he was telling my wife that his wife already knew about it. So since this time, my wife swears to me that she isn't talking to him, I am not stupid and know it probably is happening but not sure how.
Time for some industrial-grade snooping. Put a keylogger on her computer, flexispy on her cell phone (do you have online access to her phone records?) VAR for her car. There's more, but this is a very solid start.
So..this is where i am at..she is on the fence, tells her friends she doesn't know what she wants..doesn't seem to be movement either way..I think she is trying to figure out what he is doing with his wife.
You're probably right, IF she's not currently talking to him, but I suspect she is. I figure she's straddling the fence because she's getting all of her needs met by both of you, and she likes that and doesn't want it to end.
The whole time this is going on we are very polite and nice to each other we continue to go out and enjoy things together with our kids 14 and 16 and act as though everything is as close to normal as possible.
Your kids aren't stupid. They know something is wrong. And the thing about teenagers is that their worlds are pretty self-absorbed, so they likely are concerned that they are the cause of your marital tension. Hiding this is fair to no one.
I hurt her for a long time.
Oh, baloney. If you really hurt her, why didn't she just leave? Why have an affair? The answer is that she chose to have an affair as an act of self-indulgence and extreme selfishness..
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Total separation and the institution of extraordinary precautions is the only way. Not only is it going to help break her addiction, it is a sign of respect to YOU from her.
If her "best friend" is a line of contact, then that "friend" needs to go. I would investigate the involvement of the "best friend," as, for the most part, she may be an enabler for your WWs wayward thoughts and actions.
While you are BOTH responsible for the poor state of your M, it is HER lack of O&H and boundaries that exclusively makes HER responsible for A. This responsibility is borne by her against each and every person her actions hurt; you, your children, her other family and friendships.
Gather intel and expose.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Wow great information..I just wished I knew how to do all this!!!
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Wow great information..I just wished I knew how to do all this!!! We will be glad to teach you. Just ask us specific questions and we will help you figure it out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What do I do if she keeps threating to leave? She say she doesn't love me anymore. I think she is sending email from her iphone at work because it looks like her phone goes into 2G mode and I can see where it looks like something is sending and recieving about 5 emails a day. She knows this and swears she isn't doing it. I have caught her with a Gmail account but she saw how I found it so no go there. She rarely uses the computer so I suspect she thinks I am monitoring it which I am. Instead she uses her phone for everything. I suspect gmail again but no way to track it. If I press her for what she is going to do I get nothing she says she hasnt talked to him and she is there and open and if I press she says is that not good enough. So Do I keep pressing, I thougth plan A was to be very nice and restore love units?
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Ok, she hasn't threatened to leave lately...only when I caught her in a huge lie and told her she is risking losing her kids if she keeps this up. Not a reliable source but she told me after I caught her with the gmail accouunt that his wife was going to try and work things out but I really think they are still talking..otherwise I would have thought all the things I have been doing would have started to syaw her more and she really doesn't seem to be going thru withdraw or anything..I know she can lie and I never thought she was caplable of doing that.
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Melody are you still with your husband?
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What do I do if she keeps threating to leave? You tell her you will sure miss her, but you won't stop her. And don't let her take any children, money or furnture. The affair would die much faster if she did leave so don't be afraid of this. However, I serioulsy doubt she would leave or she would have done this already. she say she doesn't love me anymore. We know. Because of the affair. That is why it is important to kill the affair. I think she is sending email from her iphone at work because it looks like her phone goes into 2G mode and I can see where it looks like something is sending and recieving about 5 emails a day. She knows this and swears she isn't doing it. Can you get ahold of her phone when she is asleep and install flexispy? I am pretty sure it works on iphones. You can download it from the website and install it right on her phone. Go to flexispy.com So Do I keep pressing, I thougth plan A was to be very nice and restore love units? Plan A to demonstrate your willingness to meet her needs in the FUTURE if she ends the affair and commits to the marriage. It is usually impossible to meet the needs of a wayward. Please have the discussion I outlined above and explain to her that this won't work unless she commmits to recovery. She needs to see you fight for the marriage or she will rightly conclude you don't care. Also, have you been in touch with the OMW to compare notes and let her know you think they are communicating during the day? Maybe she can unearth the communications. I would also plan on paying the OM a visit.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody are you still with your husband? Yep!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, she hasn't threatened to leave lately...only when I caught her in a huge lie and told her she is risking losing her kids if she keeps this up. Not a reliable source but she told me after I caught her with the gmail accouunt that his wife was going to try and work things out but I really think they are still talking..otherwise I would have thought all the things I have been doing would have started to syaw her more and she really doesn't seem to be going thru withdraw or anything..I know she can lie and I never thought she was caplable of doing that. She is threatening to leave in order for you to back off and let her continue her affair in peace. She told you that tripe about OMW wanting to work it out in order to lull you into a false belief that the A is over. The A is not over. What you are seeing your WW pushing the A underground.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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..she is on the fence, tells her friends she doesn't know what she wants.. Waywards say this all the time. It's right out of the script. And the truth is, she DOES know what she wants - she wants both you *and* her boyfriend. That's what she's got and believe us - she will keep this arrangement going for just as long as she possibly can. She will NEVER stop it on her own. The only one who can put a stop to it is you. Her threatening to leave you is just bullying to get you to back off. She wants to enjoy her affair in peace, knowing all the while that she can come back to you when she feels like it. Do not fall for this. She knows exactly what she wants - and she's got it, for as long as you will tolerate it.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Ok, quick question..I think my wife is on the fence cause she doesn't know about her feelings for other guy. I exposed the affair to his wife and today I talked to them and he is trying to work it out and tells her he wants them to work it out and when he was with my wife it wasn't emotional just talking. Said they are not in contact and all that other garbage...Not saying I believe any of it..my question is should I show my wife the email and let her see what he is telling his wife, will this help my wife see that he is doing nothing more than lying to her and if she isn't talking to him will her seeing him tell his wife it meant nothing help her put that out of her head and maybe decide to want to work on our marriage?
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Who has saved their marriage from an affair? Who has helped countless people save their marriages? You? Nope. LISTEN TO WHAT THESE VETS ARE TELLING YOU.
Don't come up with your own plans of waking your WW up. That isn't going to happen by you educating her. You need to kill this affair dead. You need to stop financing this affair and get that stick part of Plan A working.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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One other question..I did have an affair 4 years into our marriage and she has always wondered about what I was doing but never asked..she just kept it inside.
Let it build up and then like out of know where this happens..I am listening to what the Vets have to say and I believe in them completly...I just am trying to be careful about the timing. I know for a fact she can't see him and vise versa, I know it's probably doesnt matter as long as they can contact each other..We have plans to go to Texas and ofcourse we have Christmas together with the kids and I do not want to hurt the kids right before this and keep them from going to texas and having christams with us both. Do I owe her anything since I have hurt her and made her suffer...I can only imagine all the hurt she has went thru wondering if I was still doing stuff. I wasn't but having had it done to me I can see whay she would wonder but she never brought it up.
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Ok, quick question..I think my wife is on the fence cause she doesn't know about her feelings for other guy. I exposed the affair to his wife and today I talked to them and he is trying to work it out and tells her he wants them to work it out and when he was with my wife it wasn't emotional just talking. Said they are not in contact and all that other garbage...Not saying I believe any of it..my question is should I show my wife the email and let her see what he is telling his wife, will this help my wife see that he is doing nothing more than lying to her and if she isn't talking to him will her seeing him tell his wife it meant nothing help her put that out of her head and maybe decide to want to work on our marriage? Yes! It is a great idea for you to show her what he saying. Show her the email and say "I'm so sorry." Have a downcast look on your face to show you FEEL SORRY FOR HER THAT SHE WAS JUST USED. Your wife is not on the fence at all. She knows what she wants: TWO MEN MEETING HER NEEDS. That is exactly what she wants and she will fight to maintain that position. She will get it if you let her!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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One other question..I did have an affair 4 years into our marriage and she has always wondered about what I was doing but never asked..she just kept it inside. Did you confess the affair? Let it build up and then like out of know where this happens..I am listening to what the Vets have to say and I believe in them completly...I just am trying to be careful about the timing. I know for a fact she can't see him and vise versa, I know it's probably doesnt matter as long as they can contact each other.. You are absolutely kidding yourself if you think "it doesn't matter." An affair does matter very much. And let me ask you this: Do you and the OM live in states that have cars, boats and planes? Because if you do, they can be together TONIGHT. So yes, she CAN see him. ANYTIME. All he has to do is fly to your town tonight. Or she can go on a "business trip" and see him. \ The longer the affair goes on, the more entrenched it becomes. And an emotional affair is much more serious to a woman that a romp in the hay.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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