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Well, I confronted H about his affair. He finally admitted it. Of course, said it was already "over" and justified it by blaming me for 10 million things.... Then I told him he needed to be willing to show me proof it was over and commit to a plan. He did more finger pointing at me and about how "it can't work" and then we got in a shouting match. Then he tried to blame it on me that he was leaving... that I wanted him to leave. I made it clear I was asking him to leave to protect myself from infidelity and emotional abuse.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Did you send out you exposure? Also read about plan B! Have you been tested for STD's.

Also keep whatever proof you have, in Texas you can sue for adultery.

Last edited by RegardingLuv; 10/15/10 11:23 PM.
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I had not sent out my exposure letters yet. I wanted to confront first. I will do that now.

I have not been tested but I guess I should be now! H actually admitted the affair - and that it was physical.

I guess I'm wondering (and maybe just because I'm emotional) what good exposure will do. If they want to be together, let them be together! He's gone - free to do what he wants.

And Maybe I should put this back on my original thread. I was upset so I started a new thread hoping to catch someone online because I felt so alone and sad.... but I know I should keep everything to one thread.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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It is so everyone knows what he has done and why he LEFT YOU.

See, if you don't do this he can spin it so it looks like you kicked him out. Don't let him do that.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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(((((SUNNY)))))

Sorry that this happened like this. You need to take a breath and devise a plan. We can help you with it.

This is not the way that you want to enter into Plan B, if that is what you are going to do. You should expose the affair far and wide, afterall, if they are in LURVE, all you are doing is spreading the news about their "happiness." Then, Plan A for a couple of weeks and then Plan B. If he truly stays out of the house, then you will have one less thing to worry about transitioning into Plan B.

So, take a deep breath and move forward with your plan.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you are better off knowing the truth and also probably having him out of the house. You have been living through a nightmare, tension, lies, and he was disrespecting, belittling you and emotionally abusing you with his words and actions.

Now is the time for you to be smart about this whole thing. Get your ducks in a row with legal advice, get finances in order and know what you need for you and your kids to continue your lives while he is "out there" doing whatever he's going to eventually do.

You did what any self-respecting person who is in a marriage would do.....you brought the truth to light and asked your spouse to make a choice to work on the marriage or leave. He's been playing it both ways for some time and damaging you emotionally to justify his actions. No one should have to live through that for too long. Allowing him to remain in an active affair while living with you is not a way to make the affair go away or make him commit to your relationship. He needs to choose. So do you.... He doesn't have to choose as long you were willing to have him live with you without any boundaries on his behavior.

I think this is positive movement for your life improving one way or another. But I agree with all here.....expose him to the light of day with his affair.....otherwise he's still playing the game.....if his new relationship is so wonderful everyone should know and be able to draw their own conclusions.

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Hi there Sunny,
First of all I'm so sorry you are going through this at this point in your life....
I also have been married for over 20 years and my husband also had an affair....
You have already confronted him and given him the choice to stay and work on the marriage, that is what you should have done, you cannot work on the marriage with a third person in it.....
At this point exposure is your ony chance of saving your marriage if this is what you want to do....
The survive won't be any fun if every one knows what he is doing to his family....tell everyone close to him, your children(age appropriate) co-workers, friends......tell them you want to save your marriage and if they could help you infulence him in any way you would be grateful.
I would also tell the OW's family/husband......
He will be mad, you can survive him being mad, not him staying with the OW....
Then make sure your husband knows that you love him and are willing to work and fix anything wrong in the marriage.....
Then sit back and let him weigh everything out......let him feel what his life without you and your family/home will really be like.....
The OW is just a fantasy, when they actually have to live real life and all the problems that goes with that, they won't seem so appealing to each other......
Let it play out, show him the woman he fell in love with, be calm and strong even though you don't feel like it.
Then find yourself some support people so you have someone to talk to and spend time with......
Focus on your kids and family......
Remember to keep your eye on the big picture and don't worry so much about the words that come out of his mouth right now.......
He is in the middle of affair fog babble, look that up ........they all speak a certain script to do what they are doing.......
None of it is true, so don't pay any attention.......
good luck


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
II guess I'm wondering (and maybe just because I'm emotional) what good exposure will do. If they want to be together, let them be together! He's gone - free to do what he wants.

Sunny, I am so sorry you are so upset, but please understand this is a good thing that you confronted your H. Exposure is necessary if you want to save your marriage. Exposure will ruin their affair and in order to save your marriage you have to expose the affair. Nothing he said last night should change anything about your plan.

Please go forward and send your email to the OW and then proceed to blow up the affair with a massive facebook exposure. I bet you get your husband back!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Just calm down and stick to your plan, Sunny. This is far from over. Your husband is confused and panicked now so it will be harder for him to bounce back from your exposure. Stick with the plan and strike while the iron is hot! You will be ok, friend. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sunny}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Stick with the plan and strike while the iron is hot! You will be ok, friend. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sunny}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sorry Sunny but do not back down now...I know it is hard. Now is the time you will have to muster the strength and push forward. If you cave now, it will only hurt your chances of marital recovery and likely add more resentment to your personal R down the road. What have the children been told now that WH left? They should be informed why WH left and who OW is.

Since WH has left, it is pretty safe to assume he has contacted OW to whine to her. I would toughen up that letter with some language about what the real future will be like. Tell her your children know who she is(and family if you have already exposed to them and received support) and they are disgusted by her...she will not be welcome...ever. I told both of my WH's OW this along with some other realities. Whatever pretty picture of riding off into the sunset they had conjured up in their heads was smashed and smashed hard. A very matter-of-fact reality of child support, a wife taking half, disgusted family members/friends that wanted to rip their heads off, being known as a skank, etc. is not what the OW wants...both OW were stroking out in panic. The more OW freaks out on your WH, the more he will want to throw her under a bus...the warm and fuzzies will be replaced by 2x4s. Set the wheels in motion and stand back. The APs tend to destroy each other and themselves.

Take care. You can do this.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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One more thing, when WH starts to blame you for this, that, and global warming either walk away for turn it around on him. Either way do not subject yourself to the rantings of a crazy person...it will only get you more worked up and distracted.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thanks, everyone for your words of wisdom.

I am feeling somewhat helpless here. I don't have a big group to expose to. I have told my kids the truth. I don't know any of H's co-workers to tell them and they are the only friends he has except for his facebook crowd of old high school buds. Lets face it: OW is one of the old high school crowd so they will all support this relationship regardless of what I say. That doesn't mean I can't expose - I'm just saying, I know he will already have told people whatever he wants them to hear about this.

I can tell him mom - and his sister - but he's not close with them either. He rarely talks to them and hasn't seen them for years.

The only real exposure that will be effective at all are his children.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Originally Posted by black_raven
One more thing, when WH starts to blame you for this, that, and global warming either walk away for turn it around on him. Either way do not subject yourself to the rantings of a crazy person...it will only get you more worked up and distracted.

You're right about this! I definitely got side-tracked and caught up in that.


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
Thanks, everyone for your words of wisdom.

I am feeling somewhat helpless here. I don't have a big group to expose to. I have told my kids the truth. I don't know any of H's co-workers to tell them and they are the only friends he has except for his facebook crowd of old high school buds. Lets face it: OW is one of the old high school crowd so they will all support this relationship regardless of what I say. That doesn't mean I can't expose - I'm just saying, I know he will already have told people whatever he wants them to hear about this.

I can tell him mom - and his sister - but he's not close with them either. He rarely talks to them and hasn't seen them for years.

The only real exposure that will be effective at all are his children.

Sunny, you do have a very effective exposure that you can do. You can expose to the OW's facebook friends and in the exposure ask them to contact her H and parents and have them call you. You can blow up her world this weekend and probably kill this affair.

Doing this today would be strategically impactful because your H and the OW can't talk on the weekends so they wouldn't be able to run interference. Also, your H is in a panic so you should take advantage of that state while the getting is good.

I would send off the letter we discussed to the OW and then start sending out the exposure letter to all her facebook friends, spacing them out 1 minute apart.

The timing on this is critical, because you have a special advantage this weekend before they can get together and do damage control.

I would use the sample letter I showed you but add a few key details about the affair ["my husband has admitted to a sexual affair that took place when he visited XXX, Utah on XX-XX-2010

Follow up with a request for her husband and her parents to call you ASAP and give your phone # and email address.

Sunny, I know you are in distress, but please do not let fear paralyze you. You have a unique strategic opporunity to kill this affair and you can't afford to let that pass.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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OK, Thanks Mel.

He claims it is already over - or not part of our real problem - that he was already done...blah blah blah....

He even just sent a text to the kids that "he should've left in April". (Trying to justify his subsequent affair.)


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. I would ask that you inform her husband and have him call me.

According to my husband, Joe Doe, this affair has been going on for 1 year and is a sexual affair. He has traveled to Smith, Utah on business several times and met up with Skanky.

I became aware of the affair last weekend when I found Skanky's texts to my husband on his cell phone.

We have been married for 5 years and have 3 wonderful children who are devastated about this affair.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her husband and parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx. Otherwise, please contact me and give me their contact information so I can call them.

Thank you, BW


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SunnyDinTX
OK, Thanks Mel.

He claims it is already over - or not part of our real problem - that he was already done...blah blah blah....

And we know that is a lie. You SAW her texts last weekend. Even so, you have to expose and get the word to her H. The AFFAIR is the problem, Sunny. Kill the affair to save your marriage.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Got it! Perfect!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Does this really mean they are going to think differently? I'm sure Skanky and H have already both complained about their terrible spouses......


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1

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Sunny, if you need some phone support, just email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com and I will give you my #. We live fairly close and I would be glad to talk. I feel so bad for you, but you cannot give up hope!!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SUNNY}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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