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OMG you guys are describing my H completely.
Mulan- you are exactly right he doesn't want me asking any questions about the situation and getting information out of him is like pulling teeth.

SusieQ- I think I will need the AD, because I just feel like it just too much and consumes my thoughts constantly. I am trying to control my angry outburst. I am not saying it is ever a good time for an affair. But I am so furious that at the time when I needed him the most he decides to check out emotionally. I need to do a better job of controlling my emotions.

Maritalbliss and PrincessM- I will continue to quietly collect evidence. I want to make sure all my ducks are in line when I inform the district, our family and friends of what is going on.

MelodyLane- Thanks so much you seem to know exactly just what to say (all of you guys do). I am going to demand her name. But will also get additional info on her from my H close friend.

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I am so sorry you are here. You are getting great advice, though. Please do not tell your H what you find when you snoop, but gather your evidence and keep it somewhere safe. Do not tell him you are going to expose him. If your H has access to your email account, go to a free site like hotmail and create a new email address and a password only you know, and forward everything there so he cannot erase it.

You are not dealing with the H you love. You are dealing with someone who took leave of his senses. The rules changed because he changed them.

My H (and the OW) were forced to resign their positions. It would be better to get your H transferred or in a new job. Do you have enough money to make it until the next school year if he doesn't work until then? If you can't get him transferred, can you have him quit and scrape by until next school year when he can start another job? I know it's scary, but having him stay in the job he is in will keep the A going. If you have choose between the job and marriage, what will you do?


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by strugglinghurt
[
She also texted him during oldest DD9 award ceremony. This is just beyond disgusting. It seems like the more I dig the sicker it gets.

I would plan on paying a visit to skankyhola and putting the fear of God into her. Let her know hell is coming her way if she contacts your H again. She should hear from you everytime you find contact.

Just leave your pistol in the car.

Additionally, if she won't stay away, you could expose her sleazy behavior to her facebook friends and family. That will teach her to chase married men. SusieQ's sister exposed her H's affair at school and confronted the OW. They ran her off and are in recovery today.

If want to confront her so bad. You are definitely in my head. Every new employee to the district gets a probationary contract for the first year or two. So it will be much easier for the district to get rid of her, since she is on her probation period.

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Originally Posted by strugglinghurt
If want to confront her so bad. You are definitely in my head. Every new employee to the district gets a probationary contract for the first year or two. So it will be much easier for the district to get rid of her, since she is on her probation period.

A skank ho who chases married male coworkers is a liability risk they should want to get rid of quickly.

I would most certainly report her to Human Resources in addition to exposing to her family on facebook. This is probably not the first time she has done this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by disgustedandsad
I am so sorry you are here. You are getting great advice, though. Please do not tell your H what you find when you snoop, but gather your evidence and keep it somewhere safe. Do not tell him you are going to expose him. If your H has access to your email account, go to a free site like hotmail and create a new email address and a password only you know, and forward everything there so he cannot erase it.

You are not dealing with the H you love. You are dealing with someone who took leave of his senses. The rules changed because he changed them.

My H (and the OW) were forced to resign their positions. It would be better to get your H transferred or in a new job. Do you have enough money to make it until the next school year if he doesn't work until then? If you can't get him transferred, can you have him quit and scrape by until next school year when he can start another job? I know it's scary, but having him stay in the job he is in will keep the A going. If you have choose between the job and marriage, what will you do?

Jobs come and go. In some ways I want to file for divorce and in some ways I want to make it work. If that makes any sense to you. I pick marriage over job

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Originally Posted by strugglinghurt
Jobs come and go. In some ways I want to file for divorce and in some ways I want to make it work. If that makes any sense to you. I pick marriage over job

You want to file for divorce becasue you are mad. You won't be mad forever. But you will be divorced forever!

It is very possible to save this marriage if you can just get them APART. As long as one of them leaves the job this can be saved!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by strugglinghurt
If want to confront her so bad. You are definitely in my head. Every new employee to the district gets a probationary contract for the first year or two. So it will be much easier for the district to get rid of her, since she is on her probation period.

A skank ho who chases married male coworkers is a liability risk they should want to get rid of quickly.

I would most certainly report her to Human Resources in addition to exposing to her family on facebook. This is probably not the first time she has done this.

How much evidence do you think would be sufficient? Do you think the text msgs and the gift would be enough? Should I gather more evidence, like for instance the VAR and H actually has GPS capabilities on his cell phone. Or should I wait to have enough evidence so if I decided to divorce it would help my case. I would like to make my marriage work, but at the same time protect my children in case it got to that point. I know TX is a no fault divorce state, but from what I understand certain circumstances could help tip things in your favor.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by strugglinghurt
Jobs come and go. In some ways I want to file for divorce and in some ways I want to make it work. If that makes any sense to you. I pick marriage over job

You want to file for divorce becasue you are mad. You won't be mad forever. But you will be divorced forever!

It is very possible to save this marriage if you can just get them APART. As long as one of them leaves the job this can be saved!

You are so right I am very mad. Everytime I think about it and just look at all the lying and sneaking I just want to throw my hands up and say forget it. I do love my husband and our family. I am so angry, he keeps apologizing for the situation. But it definitely makes it no better. I can't think of nothing else but this. How can he put me through all this and expect me to forgive and forget like nothing happened.

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Originally Posted by strugglinghurt
How much evidence do you think would be sufficient? Do you think the text msgs and the gift would be enough? Should I gather more evidence, like for instance the VAR and H actually has GPS capabilities on his cell phone. Or should I wait to have enough evidence so if I decided to divorce it would help my case. I would like to make my marriage work, but at the same time protect my children in case it got to that point. I know TX is a no fault divorce state, but from what I understand certain circumstances could help tip things in your favor.

Text messages and gifts will be sufficient to expose at school and to her family on facebook. [we have a sample letter you can send to her contacts - space the letters out a minute apart so fb doesn't shut you down for flooding]

Go ahead and place the VAR and GPS so you can watch for any resumptions - very common.

You can file on grounds of adultery in Texas and have the skank hauled into court and forced to give sworn testimony under oath about her affair. They can also subpoena all her cell phone and email records under discovery. grin


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by strugglinghurt
[How can he put me through all this and expect me to forgive and forget like nothing happened.

excerpt rom Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

by Dr Willard Harley

"To make matters worse, whenever a wayward spouse sees me for counseling there is rarely regret and rarely a willingness to compensate the offended spouse. They usually ask to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean he or she is deeply remorseful. It usually means that he or she doesn't want us to bring up the subject anymore, or require a change in behavior. In other words, the wayward spouse wants the pain suffered by the offended spouse to be ignored or forgotten. Like a $10,000 debt, they want it forgiven, and then they want to borrow another $10,000.

I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be stupid to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money. "
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I think you need as much evidence as you can get. And don't let him know you are gathering it.

GPS information is good. Keyloggers are good. Voice Activated Recorders in his car are good. If the OW has a facebook account, go on facebook and get the names of all of her friends, so that when you expose you can send the message to everyone. If any of the emails you find between them are also cc'd to someone else, save that email address also. I actually got the OW's H's email because she forwarded an email she sent him to my H. I sent him copies of everything I found when I exposed, and cc'd her at the same time, while telling him I would testify in court against her during their divorce.

Be careful, though. When I snooped, I found secret email accounts they had and photos they sent each other of each other naked or of them having sex. I've seen everything. It's been over a year and I am having trouble getting the photos out of my head. (they helped the OWH get a divorce and custody though because she had websites and posted them on the websites.) If you have a friend or family member that knows, have them look at any photos you find, ok?

And, one more thing - please go to your doctor and get tested for STDs. I hated going, and I did it, and because I sobbed through the whole procedure, my doctor gave my anti-depressants which were in place and working as more and more events happened. They helped.


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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Quote
I don't get on MB too much anymore during the day (they blocked it at my job!)

Those [censored]! Can't you get some kind of compensation for that??? LOL - sorry, back to the thread...
dance2


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Quote
I think you need as much evidence as you can get. And don't let him know you are gathering it.

FWIW, sh, I think you may have uncovered this A in its formative stages. That's good, and bad. It's good because they haven't had a lot of time to bond. It's bad because they may still be in their "puppy love" stage. Either way, they'll be sloppy and leave clues - waywards aren't tidy people.

Make either way work for you. You can't monitor them at work all day, but can you show up at lunchtime unannounced to join WH for a surprise lunch with you? Can you be somewhere in the parking lot at the end of the day to watch who he walks out with?

I think a VAR will be a good investment for you. Get one today. Check WalMart, try RadioShack. Another poster says RS doesn't carry them anymore, but try anyway. Don't get a cheap one - their reception is poor. Plan to spend at least $50.

Your H's friend is a HUGE resource. He will be helping you - and that's excellent!

Suit up, girl. You're going to get your marriage back.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Hi there and I'm sorry as well you ended up here, you are lucky there are a great deal of good folks here that can walk you through the steps to save your marriage, exposure is your only way to stop the affair, it's no fun when everyone is watching...
Start telling everyone that is important to him and that might be able to influence him, people who will be friends of the marriage.....
Tell his family, co-workers, your family and make sure the OW is exposed as well so her family can interject with her as well.
Your husband will have to be completely open with all his correspondence with anyone else.....phones, comp, his whereabouts at all times.....
Remember he is in the affair fog, he won't say normal things, he will want it all to just go away so he can protect himself and the OW......
You have the opportunity to speak up and tell him what it will take for you to stay in the marriage, if he isn't willing then give him his walking papers.....
Get yourself into the doctor, get some meds that will help you get through all the turmoil you will feel......get some therapy to help you, if he will join you that would be great as well.......
It sounds like there is hope in saving this marriage.......you have the right to be angry and hurt, he didn't have the right to do this to you and your family, he made a promise not to and he should look inside himself and figure out how he could have let this happen.......
My advice would be, stay calm, put a plan together and then stay strong and the most important thing here is to stay patient, this will take time to heal and it will take time to trust again and to believe in that man you married,
It takes time to come out of that fog he is feeling......if he is willing and remorseful you two have a shot .....
good luck


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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