I'm a little upset with my H today, he was out having supper with some of his friends after golf and as he was eating his food, OW walked in to the resteraunt, he said they did not speak, he said he finished his meal and then left......he said he didn't want to cause a scene and leave before he had eaten.......
We discussed the NO CONTACT rules again.......that I never wanted him to be any where she was.........am I over reacting, I feel like he didn't follow the rules, but he didn't do anything........thoughts........

No, you did not overreact. The problem is exactly in "he didn't do anything" - he should have left.

What "scene" he was talking about?

What NO CONTACT rules are you talking about if contact can happen as easy as you described?

I think you are overreacting. He left after he finished eating and told you about it. That's transparency. Question, if you were with him would you have gotten up and left in the middle of your meal. I think there is something to be said for taking back your territory.

I think the scene he meant was explaining to his golf buddies what he was doing.....I think he was honest about the situation but it is scary thinking that they would even be in the same place together, he did tell me if it ever comes up again that he will leave before he eats........he said he doesn't want me to be upset about not being able to trust him in that situation......
I think if we were there together with friends, we would probably finish our meal and then suggest going somewhere else for the rest of the evening.......
thanks for the thoughts.....

Why was you WH in a place where OW would show up? That is poor EP.

Gg

Hi Jessi,

I can certainly understand your being upset, on the positive side, as ouchthathurt pointed out, your husband was transparent with you. Now it's time for some brainstorming between the two of you - make this a TEAM EFFORT. Both of you must see the marriage as something of great value to protect - TOGETHER - Don't make this into an adversarial situation between you. This is about the two of you as ONE united against any threat to the marriage. Sit down together and go over possible scenarios and what to do should those occur - because truly, neither of you have schema for this stuff, so you have to create it...you must come up with PLANS - TOGETHER...

I'm sorry you guys had to face that...(((((jessi)))))

Mrs. W

I think he handled the situation well. They did not speak, he told you what happened. It sounds like you all have chosen to live in the same area so this is bound to happen due to that choice. What was done I would have been ok with.

Thanks everyone for the kick in the pants......I was thinking along the same lines I just didn't want to let down my guard down about the NO CONTACT thing.....
I do feel better after reading the views on this and the hugs that came my way......

Here's a link to a relative recent thread about dealing with opposite sex relationships.

My post in there talking about making a plan is important to this discussion. It involves all opposite sex relationships which can also be addressed as you and your husband specifically make a plan for eventual OW contact.

In a perfect world your husband would have jumped up and hollered "HARLET" at her and made sure her presence around him was NOT going to be tolerated. In your husband's perfect world...OW wouldn't have shown up where he was and put him in such situation. He froze and didn't know SPECIFICALLY how to respond.

Worst case...you make him feel so bad about what DID happen that he'll just hesitate telling you about the next time he happens to see her around town (or, worse...she calls or emails him). In an effort to avoid making you feel like you indicated in your first post...he'll just cover it up. THAT would be horrible.

Anyway...read the thread and work on your plan. If you intend to remain living anywhere near OW, you'll have to develop a SCHEMA for what's to occur if EITHER of you run into her around town.

Here's the thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=160124&Number=2369899#Post2369899


What should your husband have done if OW approached him? (realizing that ANY conversation btwn he and she won't be trusted by you...I suggest you PLAN that all he can say is "NO" to her and remove himself....that way there is no "I think I said this or that....and then I politely walked away". There's to be no politeness with an OP. "NO" and walk away. It's easy to remember and repeat and sends the direct message that I'm not even going to be polite to you so don't approach me ever again).

Anyway..as my wife said...consider this a challenge to be resolved and planned for TOGETHER.

Mr. Wondering

thanks mr wondering.......
I think it's a great idea....I guess this recovery stuff is a lot of work and it sure has a way of putting doubt on the table again, I guess if we both know what the plan is then there shouldn't be any surprises or disappointments......
so glad I found all the help I need in one spot.......
jessi

Agree with everything said here.

Your husband getting up in a huff and leaving his friends at the table would have caused more commotion in his mind about the OW than the way he handled it.

Lay low, look for the first opportunity to leave, then come home immediately and tell you about it. Sounds like the best way to handle the whole situation and sounds like exactly what you FWH did.

Not saying it doesn't hurt to hear that he saw her, but you have to look at the positives.

The positives are that your H handled this with the utmost grace. He told you about it immediately. He is trying his hardest, something most on this board would only dream their WS would do. Look at this whole encounter as a positive.

Now, if it's possible he will see her there again or it some place that she frequents, then he needs to stop going there with his friends. But, this was a one time encounter and it sounds to me like your H handled it pretty darn well.

P.S. Just looked at the title of this thread again and it said "upset today". No doubt! I'm sure you're upset and anyone else would be upset with the news that their WS saw the affair partner today. You have every right to feel that way. That's what you feel and that's OK.

Also realize that your FWH handled it pretty well and don't be too upset with him, just the whole situation and know the feelings will pass.

I assumed his friends don't know about the OW?

So I can see your WH not wanting to out himself.

WH told you right away a plus, and left ASAP a plus.

It seems though on the minus WH went to a restaurant that the OW goes to a minus.

Either the WH did not think this thru a minus or WH did not refuse to go there when his friends chose aplace that the OW goes to a minus.

A big part of NC is to avoid places where the OP goes to.

Now if your town is that small that avoiding the OW is to hard then you need to move.

I don't know that I would say you overracted. I think that BSs who read here regularly are so acutely aware of how dangerous any type of contact is that it would be easy to have a knee-jerk reaction to that type of news...so first off, I want to give you a cyberhug... {{{{{{{{{jessi}}}}}}}}}}

I guess my 2 cents is along the lines of what gg and others have said about working on a solution... Maybe this incident will give you some ideas about how to cover as many NC loopholes as possible...

Is it at all possible that OW could have found out somewhere somehow about your H being at that restaurant? A FB posting? A mutual friend? Friend of a friend? If so, may have to defriend/block those mutual FB friends or stop associating with anyone who may be passing that type of info on to OW.

I am not saying it's not possible that the two of them showing up at the same restaurant couldn't have been a coincidence but I am just throwing some thoughts out there on how to firm up EPs if possible. If it was truly just a coincidence, your H should avoid going to this restaurant again since it is possible OW goes there regularly.

Agree. This is tricky because everyone's in the same area. Make sure you're firming up your EPs and consider role-playing what should happen if he finds himself in the same sitch in the future.

Maintaining NC is crucial, but I'd look at the whole picture before I got too upset about him finishing his meal. How is he doing otherwise? EPs firmly in place and functioning? Is he earning his F?

The Road,
My husband's friends do know about his affair, part of the exposure almost a year ago......this is the first time that this has come up......I think he did the right thing, this is a small town we live in and we have figured out what will happen if this happens again so both of us are happy.........he didn't speak to her, he just ate and then left with his friends......
Maritalbliss, my husband is doing everything right.......he is truly remorseful and totally transparent now........
SusieQ, I dont' know how the OW would know he was there, he didn't know they were even going there until after the golf game, spur of the moment.....
but once an affair has happened one always does wonder that.......
I will always have one eye open from now on........we are only nearing the 1 year mark..........I'm hoping some day I don't feel uneasy when he is out for an evening, it has not happened much in the last year so it's kind of figuring out how it will all go..........he has not gone out with his friends because he says he does not want me to worry or stress about him/us, he says a meal out isn't worth it.........
thanks for the advice and calming me ............

For sale sign.

Move.

This will always happen till you or the OW die. Now if your were 89 another year or two good chance you will not run into the OW much more.

However you got about another 35 years to look forward to you and your WH to run into the OW. Move.

Well, that's an interesting thought I mean about until one of us dies, you must have read my mind, I am praying that she is the one that leaves this earth and the sooner the better, hehe!!!
Road, I wish she would just disappear and moving does sound like the easiest way to solve the problem, we own a business in town that just can't be moved, we have both lived here all our lives, I guess if it does cause problems we could move to a different city and commute.......seems a shame to go to that extreme but I will do what ever I need to protect my marriage and family.........
In the meantime I continue to pray that OW just don't live that long, hehe!!!