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petermg Offline OP
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Just want to get some outside perspectives other than my own. Is making love something that is just fun... and should just be fun.. or should it have emotional implications as well and if so, why and how? (sorry for those of you who may be confused by this question)

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Peter

Good question. I've been asking the same thing to myself.

A woman's point of view. Making love is very emotional, and it can be fun, it can be the whole kit and kaboodle.

What's a guys point of view? Does making love pull you in closer? Are there emotional areas that you reach and you can't admit it? I've been thinking of seducing my H, but with him even refusing to kiss of the lips, just on the forehead I am a little reluctant.

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petermg Offline OP
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Hi MS,

well, from this guy's perspective, it is indeed fun. But I need more. I need to know this person will be here and care enough for me to give me SF in the future. So in that sense it is very emotional for me. Especially being a guy where once I'm expecting some SF, if nothing happens, I can't think straight for the rest of the day. So to me, love making is theraputic in a sense. But I also get very possessive of my wife, and I struggle with the meaning of sexual intimacy. That's why I originally posted the question. I've had a knack to get involved with women who have no idea of their value sexually and therefore I wonder if somehow it's different for both me and my wife, if it means something different for each of us. (yeah, I know, I should just ask her huh?) But really, more than the physical pleasure, it is a way of me cherishing my wife, does that make sense? But it's not about the physicality itself, but rather being with my *wife*.

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petermg Offline OP
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quote:
Originally posted by m01069:
A woman's point of view. Making love is very emotional,

MS, can you elaborate a bit on "very emotional"? Thanks.

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quote:
Originally posted by petermg:
I struggle with the meaning of sexual intimacy. ... I wonder if somehow it's different for both me and my wife, if it means something different for each of us.

Peter, my H and I find ourselves (well, me!) struggling with the same issue.

Is our sexual relationship about orgasm or intimacy? I perceive his view as sex means orgasm - he's good at it, but I feel like the point of sex is orgasm. For myself, sometimes it's that physical thing, but sometimes it needs to be about intimacy, about being close emotionally and sharing that in a physical way.

He has a hard time seeing it beyond the physical - I think I am not explaining it in a way he understands. He loves me - makes sure I know it every day - but doesn't really get what I mean by wanting more sexual intimacy, as opposed to physical sex. We're working on it, though. Hopefully your post will make sense to him [Smile]

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For me it is intimate and fun. Lying there in front of a romantic fire with some wine, talking, cuddling; being intimate. Everything that comes before the orgasm to me is intimate and meaningfull. You know though when it heats up a bit (as a result of and while in the act of)everything that comes before and during sex soon becomes HOT SEX! Like M said, you can have the whole kit n kaboodle. There are always those times though when foreplay and passionate lovemaking go out the window for a quickie. [Big Grin]

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Interesting question, and something I have been struggling with. I was always the high libido spouse, but to me SF was fun, tension reliever, NOT emotional or intimate. IT WAS JUST SEX ( no wonder H's libido dropped). Try to make it intimate or emotional and walls would go up, couldn't get into it etc. I have been trying to work through more remembered abuse and have now found myself very confused. VERY CONFUSED!!!!
I want the emotional and intimate SF, but (this is going to sound really bad!) it scares the living daylights out of me, as long as I kept walls up and thought of H as just some guy I could let go and have a lot of fun with sex, but trying to open up and allow the emotions and intimatcy it just doesn't get me anywhere, fear, shame, I am not sure exactly what, keeps me from really getting into it. I find that I need the affection to get in the mood, but once i get in the mood and feel all warm and fuzzy and close to him I just want to run away and not go on to the sex part. I don't allow myself to run away, but h can tell the difference.

H and I have talked about this, and he is awesome with me, very patient, kind, supportive, etc. I just wish that one day I could really be a whole person and not keep having little issues from my past come back to the surface and have to be dealt with. It seems that when I start feeling really good and think I am all done with the fixing of FOO and other issues something else triggers yet another issue.

I guess my answer to the question then is I DON'T KNOW what it means to me.

[ January 29, 2004, 04:05 AM: Message edited by: MyBestFriend'sWife ]

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"Very emotional". hmmm, now you got me thinkin'. With my H, sex was always the way I could truly give him everything I am. Let my self go.

During day to day tasks, I fell into A-typical wife, mother. Stressed about all the things I have to do during the day, very grouchy at times, and this is where it led me. Alone. During sex, there was no "hurry up so I can do the dishes". It was "Here I am" Make any sense?

Approx. 1 year ago, (I can't believe I am admitting this, but you guys don't know us), but my H started suffering from ED. I took it hard at first, thinking I wasn't attractive, lost my touch etc...My H constanty said "It's not you, I don't know what's going on" I pushed him to go to the doctors because I was afraid it was medical, diabetes, heart, etc...he resisted at first, then I threatened to leave (what a #%$@* I was). I figured that would give the nudge to get him checked out. He did and the doctors told him he was just overtired/stressed from working all these hours. I then turned compassionate, when "it" didn't work I was like "it's o.k., we'll try again" and when it did work "Hot damn, see everything's fine, we just need more practive".

I know this ED thing is a big issue with H. Now he has anxiety about it and I am not sure do I approach him sexually, and give it my all, or do I back off. I am losing my H and every second counts.

The past two times it worked. 1 time was on vacation in Dec. before "bomb" dropped on jan. 6. He initiated with me, first time in a year. When I asked "That was awesome, what got into you?" He said he didn't know, it just happened. Then about a week ago, after bomb dropped I initiated, he resisted at first, then gave in, not sure why though. Wouldn't perform "full act", he only agreed to oral. He has a wall up, I need to break it down the right way, without damaging him.

(I hope this topic isn't too extreme for MB, I apologize for anyone taking offense)

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MA....just wanted to say..
i don't think that was too TMI for MB....that type of info could be very helpful.
ED can cause a lot of unnecesary pain and embarrassment for both partners. and i think it helps to know that it is not as uncommon as peolpe think.

peter,
i'll check in later to answer your Q......it's a good one.

[ January 29, 2004, 06:42 AM: Message edited by: nelly ]

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Question for BestFriends Wife or other ladies - you sound somewhat like my W. Her past sexual abuse at the hands of her father was never dealt with and now the proverbial bird has come home to roost. If the day comes that she decides to return to me I want to minister to her as fully as she will allow me, including the SF area. Lovemaking was rarely a priority with her and she, too, couldn't get past shame and guilt. As a result, at the age of 43, I can't honestly say that I have ever had a truly fulfilling sex life.

My question - Where do I start? I know that I can only change myself, but what can I do for her to facilitate wholeness in the SF area? I know there is no magic pill for her, but how can I start? It will be a miracle from God if we reconcile. I will not live the rest of my married life like I did the first 23 years. Thanks and God bless!

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quote:
Originally posted by petermg:
Just want to get some outside perspectives other than my own. Is making love something that is just fun... and should just be fun.. or should it have emotional implications as well and if so, why and how? (sorry for those of you who may be confused by this question)

Yes, making love is fun. No, I don't think it should be just fun. Yes, it should have emotional implications.

In my opinion making love merely for the fun of it or just for the physical pleasure isn't really making love, it's having sex. It is possible to have sex with anyone, but you can only make love to someone you love. I can enjoy sex for the pure physical pleasure of it, however for great sex I need intimacy too, a soul connection. What makes this difficult is that intimacy has to be there already, it has to be there outside the bedroom. For anyone struggling with sexual intimacy issues, a highly recommend a book called Tantra, the Art of Concious Loving, by Charles and Caroline Muir. It isn't as much a sex manual as it is an intimacy manual. Good Luck, I hope I was able provide some perspective.

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petermg Offline OP
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Thanks everyone who replied. Thought provoking and interesting. Still looking forward to more responses. Thanks again! [Smile]

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sex didn't start out as an emotional need for me..... more of a physical need that i didn't understand.

when i started to fall inlove, it started to feel emotional.....and quite honestly, that scared me. i felt i needed to pull back a little......get a hold of myself.
control issue, maybe??
so, i combined the physical and emotional need w/ my H from the moment i started to fall for him. Because i was always after the emotional connection, sometimes it was great and sometimes it felt empty.

in order for me to really let myself go....i have to either be a bit selfish and give in totally to the physical need (which always felt kind of wrong to me)............OR.. feel secure and brave enough to let the emotional need sweep me away, and let the physical feelings just happen.......which is a truly surreal experience.

i do not think my husband ever seperated the physical need from the emotional need.
maybe he did and was never able to explain it to me.
our sex life (our whole relationship, actually) was very eratic for years.
identifying them as 2 different needs, yet striving for the emotional connection, what i consider to be SF.

[ January 29, 2004, 03:44 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]

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quote:
Well, from this guy's perspective, it is indeed fun. But I need more. I need to know this person will be here and care enough for me to give me SF in the future. So in that sense it is very emotional for me.
Have you told those exact words to your W? Did she understand that those are your thoughts, feelings toward SF?
quote:
Especially being a guy where once I'm expecting some SF, if nothing happens, I can't think straight for the rest of the day.
Why do YOU let it bother YOU for the rest of the day? YOU know YOU can control your thoughts and actions when YOU did not get SF the previous night. So, why let it control YOU for the rest of your day?
quote:
So to me, love making is theraputic in a sense. But I also get very possessive of my wife, and I struggle with the meaning of sexual intimacy. That's why I originally posted the question. I've had a knack to get involved with women who have no idea of their value sexually and therefore I wonder if somehow it's different for both me and my wife, if it means something different for each of us. (yeah, I know, I should just ask her huh?)
What is it that is stoping YOU from asking? Perhaps you need to practice and establish a more "safe" communication with your W. Is it because your W becomes "defensive" when you want to talk about SF?
quote:
But really, more than the physical pleasure, it is a way of me cherishing my wife, does that make sense? But it's not about the physicality itself, but rather being with my *wife*.
Again, what is it that stops you from saying those words to your W?

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My Best Friend's Wife,

I was reading your post and we have things in common. I, too, was sexually abused and raped. There were several incidents. It's something that I always remembered and therfore thought I didn't need to deal with them further. Never mind the fact that I blamed myself for all of it.

Anyway, because of suggestions here at MB's I bought the book "The SExual Healing Journey". It has been a godsend so far. We (H and I) are only into about the 4th chapter (he's reading it to me) and I have had so many lights go on. Maltz identifies so many feelings that I just didn't know how to put into words. Sometimes just having words for my feelings is a release. If you haven't read it, I would highly recomend it. It has also been an eye-opener for H as before starting the book he tried to understand things but just couldn't.

I'm precious


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