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I'm new to the site, and a little unfamiliar with the acronyms, but I'm in desperate need of help. I cheated on my H last year and got pregnant with the OM. This is my only child and she's 4 months old. My H and I have reconciled and are actually doing really good, but I can't stop thinking about the OM. I feel terrible about hurting him. I also feel terrible about hurting my H. I feel terrible, period. I can't stop agonizing about it. The worst part is that I led the OM to believe that we would be together, and he wants to be a part of the child's life, but my H insists NC. I want to forget about the OM and move on, but how do I forget? How do I stop caring about his feelings, his wanting to know his child? How do I know I'm doing the right thing by my baby to keep her from the OM? Any advice is welcome!

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Good grief. Look no disrespect intended but you have a real man in your H. OM is an imposter, interloper, thief whatever term you can think of. He stole what was not his. Your H is willing to forgive you and raise YOUR and OM's child as his own. That my dear is REAL LOVE. What you had with the imposter was FANTASTY.

Get yourself together. Get on the phone and make an appointment to counsel with the Harley's. Get the MB on-line program. GET WORKING on falling madly in love with the real thing...your husband.



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me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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A few questions...

How long have you been married? Does your H have any children or is this OC his only child as well? How old are both of you? How long did the affair last? How did you meet OM? Are you in complete NC now? That includes even being able to spy on him on facebook etc.


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DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Then read posts by a writer1. She came here feeling guilty about OM not being in her OC's life. Read posts by pops, he is the man who raised his WW's OC while having C with the xOM. If pops could go back he would rather NOT have had to make OC go back and forth between them and OM. Mostly because of the effect it had on his FWW.


Faith

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You are so right that my H is amazing. The most forgiving man I have ever met. The most loyal, too. I don't deserve him. But we've been married 8 yrs, and this is our first child. I met the OM several years ago, and we had feelings back then but went our sep ways. But the affair began this last year and lasted a year total. I'm trying to be in NC, but it's hard. He is begging to see his child. My H is not aware of any C. But my H basically said he can't have the OM in our lives. And he's right. It's not fair to him to have to deal with that forever. I want to stop caring what OM wants...I will definitely read writer1's posts. I need to get through this. Your words are helping already!


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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Hi wanthealing. I don't have much time tonight, but I will say that it gets easier with time. I felt very guilty about depriving the OM of the right to know his child in the beginning as well. It was hardest in the months right after the baby was born.

My OC is now 2. I have been completely NC with the OM for over a year. He has never seen our OC and has now decided that he doesn't want to be a part of her life (he did in the beginning). I really don't even think about the OM anymore. This little girl belongs to my H now in every way other than the DNA. He truly is an amazing father and he loves her as his own child. I am very lucky and so are you. Not many men are willing to accept an OC into their lives.

It is hard in the beginning, especially with all the fluctuating hormones.

I have a few questions. How long have you been NC with the OM?

Does the OM live near you?

Has the OM ever seen the baby?

Is your H listed as the father on the birth certificate?


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Thank you for your support! I was just reading your story, writer1, and am so inspired. I have just now est NC...so it's only been days. My H doesn't know about the C, tho. The OM lives about 20 min from me, but I've not seen him since the OC was days old. The OM has only seen her twice when she was a week old. Not since. And my H is listed on the bc and has taken every role of daddyhood--even helping me with every contraction during labor. smile I'm glad to know I'll one day forget about the OM. But he filed for rights in the courts and it got dismissed but he's threatened to appeal it. I am both scared that he'll get partial custody and yet a secret part wants him in my life for some reason (insanity)...but I know it's not best for anyone, esp if my M is to survive. No one knows about the A but my H.


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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You may want to check with an attorney, since the OM in your case seems to be more insistent on pursuing his rights than the OM in my case was. In many states, the H is considered the legal father to any child born during the M, and the OM would have few if any rights. But an attorney in your state would be able to inform you about the laws where you live. The fact that he already filed a case and it was dismissed seems like a good sign that he probably wouldn't have any rights.

Is the OM married? I know you said that no one else knows about the A, but it might help to expose to the OM's family, especially if he is married. The OM in my case definitely didn't want anyone in his family, including his teenaged children and ex-wife, to know about the OC, so that worked in our favor in getting him to agree to NC.

I also wanted the OM in our child's life for a long time. But now that we have been NC for so long, I realize that it is in our OC's best interest to be raised in an intact family. The OM in my case lives 3000 miles away, and any sort of shared custody would have been a nightmare. I know in Pops case, he went after the OM for child support and the OM does have visitation. 2 years later, I am very happy that my H and I are raising our OC with no involvement or interference from the OM.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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My H and I got an attorney and are doing everything we can to keep the OM away. We are at the mercy of the OM's appeal right now. But my H is considered the legal father, which is good. But I'm afraid my emotions will thwart our efforts to stay intact.

The OM is divorced, no kids (other than my OC), and his whole family knows about the A. They luckily have not tried to C me or my OC. But the OM is very determined, and he has a lot of hatred for me right now because of what I've done to him. And I actually care what he thinks and feels! Why? My H and I want to have more children together and continue building a life together. I know we can be happy once I get over my guilt.

After reading several threads I'm starting to see the light about how my emotions can cause more harm. I love my H. I truly do. And he loves me...more than I can imagine. I thank God for him daily. My feelings for the OM are only a fantasy, but his grip on me is tight right now and I must break free. He knows my buttons to push. I don't want to repeat my poor choices again and again. And I want to protect my OC. It's just so hard not dwelling on it, trying to make everything work out for everyone without having to go to court again... Thinking about this is like a second full-time job while being a stay-at-home mom. Honestly, since finding this website it's been the first time in months where I feel like I'm making emotional progress. Just having a listening ear, and some much-needed advice, has lifted such a weight.

Is there something I can do to get closure from the OM? Or is that wishful thinking?


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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Btw, I truly believe in Dr. Harley's concept of mutual agreement, where my H and I must agree enthusiastically about any decision we make. But it's hard to apply that to my desire for closure with the OM, since my H doesn't understand my desire for that.


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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I don't know if there is any such thing as closure in a situation such as this. I think what helped me overcome some of my guilt was the realization that the OM was not a "victim" in this situation. He knew full well what he was doing when he chose to have sex with another man's wife. He chose his actions, and he got the consequences of those actions. As my counselor said to me many times, you don't owe the OM anything. There are no guarantees when you choose to have an A. The OM has to accept the fact that a logical consequence of his having an A with a married woman and conceiving an OC is that he may have a child whose life he does not get to take part in. He made his bed, now you need to leave him to lie in it.

Right now, your focus needs to be on recovering your marriage and creating a stable, loving relationship with your H. That is in your best interests and in the best interests of your child.

Your H is doing a very difficult thing. It takes an exceptional man to do what he is doing. So focus on that. Focus on spending time with your H rebuilding your M. I don't know how familiar you are with Dr. Harley's concepts, but one thing he believes in is 15+ hours a week of UA (Undivided Attention) time each week. You and your H need to make an effort to spend time alone together (I know, it's hard with a baby, but it's important to do this). You need to use this time to reconnect and learn how to start meeting each other's needs. The more you focus on your relationship with your H and on creating a loving, stable home environment in which to raise your child (and future children) the less you will think about the OM.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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How old are you and your BH?

OM breaking NC and fighting for his parental rights are reasons to move at least 20 hours by car away from the OM once this custody appeal is over.

As writer1 said there are no guarantees for any one when you have affairs.

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We are both 30 and fully committed to working through this, no matter what it takes--even if a move is necessary. Do the courts typically allow a family to take a child away if there is shared custody? While I was a terrible wife (working on making it up to my BH for the rest of our lives together), I honestly am a good mom and would be devestated at having to share my child with the OM.

I now see and agree that I can't worry about closure with or making the OM happy. I'm sure it will be a daily struggle to forget about him. It doesn't make me stop caring about the OM (I had a long history with him, and on some level I loved him), but I want to redirect my focus from the OM to my BH. I've taken some practical steps to help myself, like flirt texting with my BH, calling him throughout the day to tell him I love him, and really working on that 15 hours of quality time a week together. We communicate well together, so he's made it easy to rekindle what was lost. But being at home alone all the time with the baby gives me too much "thinking" time, and I live in a rural area where it's hard to find friends.


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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Forgive me if I've missed this somewhere in the thread, but do you have DNA that proves OC is OM's?

I agree that if you can move, DO SO. We are moving 1500 miles away from OW/OC.

Dr. Harley recommends NC between OM/OC until the child is 18. Forget OM. You have an amazing H right in front you.


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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The OM got an at-home DNA test done, which showed him as the biological father. It's not legally recognized, which is the only way we are able to keep our family intact... for the time being. But OM is currently appealing the courts for a legal paternity test to be done, at which point he'll proceed with fighting for custody. Why doesn't OM realize that a broken home is not good for OC? I came from a broken home and it messed me up! My H came from a unified home and it made him a strong, good man. If the OM cared anything for the OC, wouldn't he want OC to have a healthy single home environment without all the tension that is inevitable if we share custody?

I commend you, migsamac, for your choice to protect your marriage relationship despite what's happened. It's people like you who use terrible situations to help others get through rough times. Why do bad things happen to good people? So that they can help people like me!


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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We did an at home test also. If OW ever tries to come after us (currently she is leaving us alone), we will make her pursue a legal test. What I wouldn't give for the at-home test to prove faulty? Not likely........,


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
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Originally Posted by wanthealing
The OM got an at-home DNA test done, which showed him as the biological father. It's not legally recognized, which is the only way we are able to keep our family intact... for the time being. But OM is currently appealing the courts for a legal paternity test to be done, at which point he'll proceed with fighting for custody. Why doesn't OM realize that a broken home is not good for OC? I came from a broken home and it messed me up! My H came from a unified home and it made him a strong, good man. If the OM cared anything for the OC, wouldn't he want OC to have a healthy single home environment without all the tension that is inevitable if we share custody?

I commend you, migsamac, for your choice to protect your marriage relationship despite what's happened. It's people like you who use terrible situations to help others get through rough times. Why do bad things happen to good people? So that they can help people like me!

Many mistakes have been made past the PA. You allowed the OM to know that the kid could be his. You allowed a DNA home kit DNA test to be done. You allowed the OM to have contact with the OC.

Being the OM has moved and filed right away to get paternal rights he has improved his chances to get them. Laws are changing all the time and vary state by state. If the OM wins in court you will most likely not get to move away because he will be denied his rights as a dad.

How did your BH first find out about the PA and that the OC was not his?

On the MB site Dr Harley has stated that there are situations when the WW and BH have no other children and are young and have been married a short time and as a result of the affair there is an OC, it�s best for the BH to divorce and move on and start over when the WW will not end the affair. That the OC deserves to be raised by both bio parents in a family unit. But you want your BH now.

Then Dr H goes on to say that if the marriage is recovered the child should be told who here real dad is as soon as she is old enough to understand, though the WW and BH can hide the truth if they desire so. If she finds out the truth later in life there will be major trust issues between the OC WW and BH.

However in my mind how can a sneak and cheater be considered a good role model for a dad? Though he can claim he has learnt the errors of his ways and seen the light. Just the way you are now. Claiming and being are two different things.

I hope this OM is only putting up a fuss to keep his options alive at getting you back. That once he is denied paternal rights he will go away. Best thing is to not let OM have any contact with you. You must stay completely dark/NC so the message sinks in that it�s over.

Its one thing to ignore/forget/pretend/get over an affair happened. No one can ignore an OC.
You had a PA. You still can be a good mom, wife to your BH. Your BH can not just accept but actually love the OC.

Though you can not control what the courts do. Then even if you decide to keep the bio dad a secret your OC may find out. What if the OC finds out after you�ve gone? BH gone? Finds out after OM gone and never gets to meet her bio dad.

This is why I suggest that you counsel with the Harley�s. There are too many problems to be encountered here without professional help.

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Could we have a basic timeline?

Affair start end date
D day
Realize you were pregnant from the OM
NC date

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PA started 9/2009 and ended 6/2010 once OC born. OM only met OC twice. I got pregnant right away, but I thought the OC was my BH's until after the OC's birth. To be honest, I strung both along the whole pregnancy, unable to let go of either. I was so wrong to do that, but I was selfish. Dday was a week after OC's birth (6/2010) when DNA test was done. I told my H everything right away once those results came back. NC date is only a couple days ago, although our communication was very sparse. A secret email here or there of his and my back-and-forth pleading.

How hard is it to have OM in our lives if he ends up w partial custody? My BH wants to stay together no matter what; he loves OC like his own and wants no life without her or me. But I'm worried that it will be too much for him--and me--if OM must be in our lives. My BH has gone through enough! Though we both agreed to tell OC about bio father when she's old enough to understand. We don't want surprises down the road. Then she can make her own decision to get to know OM later on, when it won't threaten to devestate our marriage. At least that's where our minds are at right now with it. It's deep water to wade through right now...


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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Dear migsamac:

I noticed your sig said you were trying for 6 yrs to have COM. Just as a side note, we too tried for a long while. We were actually starting to look into adoption when everything happened. But my prayers are with you if you still want COM. I honestly don't think biology matters much, as we still plan to adopt someday and embrace all our future children as ours--whether we conceive them together or not. I hope your dreams come true, whatever they may be.


Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

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