After three months of being divorced, I figured it was enough mouring time and I really would enjoy a woman's company again. I am in no way looking for "the one" or a serious relationship at this point, but just to meet some people and see where things might go.

I have to confess that I have entered the sordid world of online dating. I was very reluctant, but it is a much better alternative than bars and I was going to go a llllloooonnng time before meeting someone the conventional way, especially as shy as I am.

All I can say is WoW! It seems if you have all your teeth, most of your hair, minimal gut, and can string a few coherent sentences together, then you are a much sought after commodity.

Last weekend I actually scheduled two dates (it was xWW's weekend with the boys) on back to back nights. First lesson learned, probably bit off a little more than I could chew with the multiple dates. Should have gone a little slower considering I haven't been on a "date" in over 20 years. I did have whirlwind of emotions going on, everything from nervous energy to actually be doing this, to a nagging of guilt in the back of my consciousness. But, I don't think the guilt had anything to do with the xWW, it was that so much of my energy has been focused on the boys that it kind of felt like I was letting them down by doing something for myself.

Two in two nights was definitely too much, especially when I was up until 2:00 AM both nights.

The first date was intriguing, the woman was a former pastor at the church I go to and now has her own small church across town. She was also recently divorced. Talk about intimidating, how was I going to talk with someone like that? What if the subject turned to spirituality?

The second was with a very attractive lady I met online that has been divorced for 20 or so years. I felt good about going out with her because she was one of the most attractive women I saw on the site and she must get a lot of attention.

Guess which one went the best?

That's right, date number 1. Turns out the she is a very cool lady and likes living life just like anyone else, not to mention quite attractive. She's very into blues and likes to go out see local bands. We have kind of connected (don't want to go too fast there) and have seen each other a couple of time since for lunch. We have another date planned for tomorrow night that we are both excited about. Turns out that infidelity wasn't involved in her split up after all. Her children are all grown and out of the house, and she just realized how far apart she had become from her husband. Like many of us, their marriage had become the opposite of marriage builders, virtually no RC, no POJA on major decisions, little affection, etc. Hearing her view of things was very helpful in reinforcing what I already knew about where my own marriage went wrong. The way she painted her husband was almost like looking in a mirror. Good thing I know a better way now.

I know it can be a date-killer to talk too much about the ex's and your divorce, and we didn't, but it is helpful to know where the person is coming from in that regard.

The second woman was nice enough, she was attractive and quite talkative. But, most of the conversation seemed kind of empty compared to the first date. Maybe she really wasn't on a level playing field and things would have been different if I had seen her first, but I didn't sense any sparks. She also seems to date a lot, which isn't necessarily bad, but might not be for me.

This right here is why I became a believer in dating casually rather than looking for a "relationship" right away. When you meet several people, you can make the kinds of comparisons that you made above, and that is very healthy. If you hadn't met the first lady, you might have "settled" for the conversation level you had with the second, especially given how attractive she was. By having had several dates, you were able to trade the importance to you of looks vs. conversation. And in future dates you'll be able to do the same for other characteristics, until you finally meet the one who has the best balance of what you want .

Good work schtoop!

AGG

Enjoy yourself and maybe throw in a date with someone else just to slow things down and keep perspective.

Schtoop! Awesome to see you had a positive entry into the dating world. For both of us it's totally not where we wanted to be at this stage in our lives, and you probably expected it about as much as I did, say, a mere 24 months ago. But here we are, and making the best of it. This might not sound right, but after what we've been through with the "fairer" gender, a little redemption doesn't seem too out of place.

Yeah, baby, lol. I bet it's been awhile since you were up past curfew. Time flies...

I told you she wasn't out of your league!

Right. But you were sharing mutually and it doesn't seem like it dominated the night. I think you did it just right. She probably learned a lot about you by hearing about your situation.



Agree with AGG here. For me I was lucky Halloween Heartbreaker flew away on her own b/c she pretty much wrong for me, but that's not what the dopamine was telling me!


I have a second date coming up tomorrow. I met her online, which I agree is bizarre, but what the hay, right? Looking forward to it. See you at my "house."

Opt

Whoa! You guys are becoming dating machines! I wish I knew how you did it.

I'm more like KayC at this point -- part of me would love to spend some time in the company of a charming, attractive lady, but the other part just puts on the brakes and says "no...."

Fred, you'll have to move to Oregon.

Actually, I think it's great they're getting the dates in. I'm told that's the way to do it, I just don't have the time or inclination to do so. I bought a couple of sets of dating and relationship CD's and e-book from Christian Carter over a year ago before I met Jim, and learned a lot from it. They say it's a numbers thing, you have to go into the dating almost like a full time job. Honestly, I'm just not that interested in dating. I'd rather God just pick out the right one and drop him in front of me and say, "this is him", but I guess that's not likely to happen. Biggest mistake I made last time was going into the relationship too fast and hard. I let him lead me and I should have stuck to my guns. Live and learn! Ahh it was a whirlwind romance (at first) but then look where it got me. Fun while it lasted but definitely NOT worth the heartbreak. What a year! You'd think I'd get better at this!

I did see Jim last night and was very proud of myself for how far I've come and how I handled it (posted in my Life Sucks thread). So maybe I'm getting better at survival if nothing else!

Alright, for your amusement here's another one of my adventures in online dating.

The town I grew up in is just a couple hours away, so I was perusing some of the profiles over there. There was this one woman who looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Anyway, her profile was kind of funny, but she was so full of herself that I just had to laugh. So, I sent her a sarcastic note.

Ends up she recognized me. Turns out she was a girl my brother dated seriously for a couple of years a long time ago. Talk about awkward!

Since then we've chatted quite a bit and she's really a cool woman. So at least I've made another friend. I'm pretty sure she would be interested in more, but that may be a little too weird for me.

Tell me about it! Definitely wasn't anticipating the drain on my spare time. (Duh?)
I still have projects to finish. After tonight's scheduled dinner/show I might drop it back a few notches. It's stressful too (in a good way, but still...). Maybe pick it back up after the holidays or something.

Opt

Yeah, that worked out real good. I drove 40 minutes to be with her for a couple of hours last night. What can I say? I can't get enough of someone who digs everything about me.
opt

Lol, update your thread buddy, the peanut gallery is curious how all this is going for you!

Travis

I know! The high-jacker is in. Sorry Schtoop, I meant to say "I hope you're doing better at this than I am."
I'll get back to my thread in a bit; off to work and then pool tonight.
...Trying to stay focused.

Opt

There you go again, Opt, with the "parallel universe" thing.

Glad things are going well with your new interest, it does indeed feel great for someone to really dig you.

Things are going very well with lady I am seeing. She's really a cool woman and we can talk and feel free and easy around each other. Not to mention major sparks.

Another thing that was noted by Chrisner, if you remember him, is that our newfound knowledge of MB principles can be a powerful thing. In talking with my lady friend about what happened with our marriages, I can easily point out how EN's weren't being met (in both cases) and how such things as affection, undivided attention, RC, and such are vital to a marriage. She is most impressed with my awareness now and desire to be different (and she is a trained counselor). Use the knowledge of MB principles with utmost care, or you will have all kinds of women falling over themselves for you, LOL.

Having her over for a quiet dinner tonight at my house.

One thing to keep in mind as we forge these new relationships, and I'll give an analogy my MC gave us. Forming a new relationship versus rebuilding an old one is like moving into a house. With the new relationship, you're moving into a new, clean house and you can arrange everthing as you like, or reveal as only as much of yourself as you move in and get comfortable. Rebuilding an old one is like moving into a house from "Horders". It's loaded with tons of old crap that has to be removed or dealt with before you get comfortable.

I am liking the "feel" of the new house, though.

Just keep in mind that the "new house" may be full of crap too, you just haven't found it yet because everybody is on their best behavior in a new relationship .

AGG

Very good analogy, AGG.

Yeah, you might open their wardrobe and have all sorts of things fly out at you. You could get buried in them if you don't do a thorough inspection.

I like the house analogy too. Although I think the MB philosophy might say you could theoretically move into a new house with the original spouse, leaving all the old baggage and hoarded stuff behind. Required: commitment to identifying and meeting each others needs, and restoring and maintaining the "in love" feelings. I was never big on psychoanalytic theory and cycling through old issues~ I say move on and adjust behaviors, life's too short for psychoanalysys. Anyway, My wxw wanted to move without me.
I hope you had a nice dinner last night schtoop.
Opt

I think there are difference between men and women in general. Guys, due to their DNA, prefer something new, get more excited about the prospective 'partners' and want to pursue more eagerly. Whereas women tend to 'protect' what they have or try to 'fix' things, especially when they have children.

Good point, I never thought of it that way but you may be on to something there!

Women may not be good at fixing cars (ok, that's a stereo type and I apologize for those who are quite handy in this arena), and if their shoes get old, they prefer just buying the new pairs, however when it comes to relationships, I cannot help but to notice the difference..., that women try to 'fix' or 'hang on' to broken relationships hoping that things could be different, while men won't like to fix them and just get the new one. I certainly fit this criteria and know many others who do too.....

You know, I'm reading this to mean that guys are genetically wired to bail on their spouse and family when things get bad.... I'm hoping that's not what you meant. Society plays a large role in accepted behavior including promoting the abandonment of families and relationships as long as you "pay" for it. The genetic argument to me implies a lack of choice or control that I find disturbing and a bit insulting. Hopefully I just misunderstood.

Travis