This is his third marriage and my second. WE have no children together. We each have grown children by our previous marriages.

See! I told you the calvary would be here! And they are.You just don't know it yet. You need to stand back from your situation, get strong , and shout to your sel' Hey, I'm strong, I matter, and I will not accept this from the person who is supposed to love, share and protect me. I know you feel weak. Been there. But, I think if you reach deep inside and just determined not just to save your marriage... but to make it better if you follow the plans, you can do this. God Bless.

CT, how long have you been married? How did his other marriages end? Has he had other affairs?

Thank You Cherise you have been here from the start trying to snatch a knot in my tail, I think.

MelodyLane we have been together 12 years and married 7 years only minor problems ever between us. He is easy going, won't argue but gets a little snappy sometimes, has most of the qualities you want in a man. Nothing to indicate he was unhappy.
The only problem is he lost a high paying job in management about 3 years ago and has not been able to get the same status or pay since. Maybe that has something to do with this, he acted as if he had adjusted.I never pushed or complained about the money part because I was watching for signs of depression. He was out of work for about 6 months before he found another job and at least 3 of the 6 before he looked for another.
I was told after we got married that he had had a short affair with his second wife but they got back together an divorced later. I don't know if it was p or em affair or any details.

I started to see changes with him in December of last year but nothing alarming till I noticed he was different in Feb this year. I checked his cell phone records and found out then. I confronted him and he said it was a friend that was having problems. I told him you can't have women friends talking that much to them about just a problem.
He was distant for a few weeks. Valentines Day he said he wanted us to start all over and he loved me. Then in July is was so distant I checked cell records again and everything has gone downhill since then. He kept pushing me away being distant and his whole personality has changed. This has been the worst year of my life trying to reach him and couldn't. Finally I had to push him off the fence and I thought he would choose me but he went to her instead.

The only thing he has ever told me about his other marriages is that nobody could live with his 1st wife she was crazy. The second wife she had a 16 year old boy and they didn't get along with each other and the wife had a lot of issues.

I wonder what he has told this woman about me sometimes.

He says ow told him she never wants to get married again. She sounds like a real winner to me. I hope she hen pecks him to death.

Now when I ask him questions about her he tells me truth so I don't ask much anymore she isn't important just trash. She has him living there with her and her 3 teenagers what a good example for them.

Crying, I am sorry for your pain. MB is a GREAT resource to help you through it.

But first, and this is important and relevant... were either of you married when you met?

no but he was single a short while
I was single about 2 years

will you put some thought into the job loss because there is more about that I couldn't sleep I hadn't thought about that before. He had that job since he was about 18 and went from the bottom to the top. His ego, he needed a ego shot with her, and I bet losing that job had something to do with it, He got fired if you want we can discuss that. I just keep looking for why and I see a couple of things but nothing that major.

Crying, the WHY is simple. It's because he had no boundaries when it came to his marriage. Around here, navel-gazing (thanks ML) doesn't really help-- that's why marriage counseling is usually ineffective when there's an affair.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? Go get it TODAY. It's inexpensive but a MUST HAVE if you're going to truly work the MB plans.

Read, read, read the articles on here-- especially about Plan A and Plan B. Begin to prepare to do a massive exposure and let us know when you're ready to pull the trigger on that.

I haven't read the book yet, I am though, maybe they have it at the library. You can't believe how much I have read here since he left and on other sites as well. I found this one about 2 weeks ago now I just read here. Reading has been what has been a life saver for me and I have learned a lots. The detachment articles have worked with my emotions. Sometimes I am afraid I will detach too much and lose feelings that I can't get back.

I also got an ad and that helps a lot too. I think about this a lots and sometimes, like today, I wonder why I even would want him back. What I read they are all pretty much the same and that is just me me me selfish. It doesn't matter who gets hurt either the wife, kids or ow either. They just want what they want. His Daddy died when he was six and uncles was all he had for role models so that probably is a lot of his problem. No matter what his problems are they are now my problem.

I think if I get this job I am interviewing for Monday, that some of the fear factor will be gone. That will go a long ways to help my security feeling and the abandonment issues.

The hardest thing to deal with is being traded in for a new younger model. She is younger than him too, so he may get a dose of his own medicine if she finds she wants the same. He might get traded in for a younger model too.

You know a man his age is pretty much what he is going to be in life. If he hasn't learned already about boundaries, maybe he never will. It looks like he might of learned one boundary and that is the selfish one he has now. He told me once he had always done what he wanted to do, maybe that was a warning he was giving me then.

I have a lot of boundaries and morals too. This last year I was the one that should of had the affair, but that's not me. When this is all said and done the person that does this to another has to live with what they have done. The other person can rise above it because they know right from wrong.

Crying Time,

The very idea that "help" only comes when we agree with what you are doing doesn't make much sense to me. That seems to be what you want!

You came here for help.

Here's what I have to say:

Your husband has his cake and can eat it, too. He is with the younger woman who offers him sex frequently, and right now that is what he is interested in. He wanted some side action, and it turned into more, and he's over there getting that.

You are where he turns when he wants to "talk". So you give him that boost.


He has the best of both worlds.


Plan A is designed to do something very specific. It is designed to be done for a short period of time, so the betrayed spouse can help the wayward spouse remember the very best things about the marriage, the very best things about the spouse. Plan A gives the BS the chance to show the WS the best side of herself, for a SHORT period of time. There is no lovebusting, no talk of divorce, only talk of how the marriage can be reconciled.

Then, when Plan A has run its course, and the BS feels that she is beginning to run out of steam, Plan B takes over. This is a move designed specifically so that the last memories of the BS that the WS has are terrific ones - the BS looked good, smelled good, talked of reconciliation, was kind, was making positive steps, was meeting those emotional needs.....etc.

And Plan B opens with a love letter, that tells the WS that the love is waning, and anything left has to be protected. That the affair must stop, and there are conditions for returning to the marriage, and when those conditions are met the BS will be happy to entertain the idea of communicating once again - BUT, until then, there will be no communication whatsoever.

Plan B - designed to stop that happy cake-eating, leave the WS with a good view of the BS, and FORCE the OP to meet all of the emotional needs of that WS allllll alone.


And it works, for a reason. That OP never did meet those emotional needs on their own! The truth is that the BS did most of the heavy lifting, and the OP met few ENs. The pressure the WS now faces, out there adrift with no wife to meet the needs, and only this other woman who really doesn't know him, really isn't the best pick in the world...well...things usually crash and burn.


What we are trying to tell is that your husband is showing signs of that RIGHT NOW.


Go to Plan B, because his OW is already in a weak position. He misses you, is calling you, and wants your support.


Kick the crutches out from under him, and watch him come home.


Write a killer Plan B letter, and wait.




SB

Excellent post by SB as ALWAYS.

Crying, you need to read it. Read it again. And then, what the HAY, READ IT ONE MORE TIME.

EXCELLENT.

CT, I'm going to re-post some of your comments that I think are hobbling you and are putting roadblocks in the path of killing this A. I'll put my comments in red after your posts.

Affairs are never good for marriages. They are always damaging to marriages. Nothing good will come from this affair. A married couple doesn't need an affair to commit to a M.

Stop right there. You're not the OW in your own M. You never were. You never will be. Don't EVER put yourself in that inferior position! You are the Alpha female!

No, it's not 'better already.' It won't be better until you WH has dumped the POSOW and returned home where he belongs.

You don't know this. You are trying to make yourself feel better or feel hope by speculating on the future and placing the odds in your favor. I understand your desire to do this, but it does not serve you. It tends, instead, to distract you from acting. You're sitting back and waiting for these desires of yours to actually happen. This will NOT help kill this A.

You may need to remove yourself and your loving emotions as an act of love for yourself, and as a way to regain your WH. You need to make sense of that. I knew a woman who had your philosophy. Her WH split his life between her and OW - for decades. Because neither woman would give more, or less, than they were giving. So he got his needs met by both, and was perfectly fine with that. You may need to make a hard decision to remove yourself from this unhealthy and emotionally damaging lifestyle.

Don't resign yourself to crumbs! DEMAND a marriage in your life that is a faithful one! If you don't, you, madam, are GIVING UP ON YOUR MARRIAGE.


I know, CT. And I'm sorry, but she didn't. So we're going to have to do some heavy lifting, here, to end this nasty affair.

This is all understandable emotion coming from you. But it does not serve you to waste your time on speculating about her or her morals.

No one is asking you to stop being loval and forgiving to your WH - when that time comes. That time is not here right now. Right now your H is NOT being loyal to you. He has become an alien. He is an addict to this affair. You have to do some hard things to help him end this A. And I don't think I'd make allowances for him because it's 'only one woman.' IT'S A WOMAN WHO ISN'T YOU. That's the problem.

No, CT, I think he knew exactly what you were doing. You were quietly threatening him ("I'm doing what I did when I was single, so you'd better watch out, because now I'm doing it to you!"), and he didn't buy it. That's why he probably rolled his eyes and said "I need to ride" etc. Guys have a short attention span for manipulation. And he probably felt you were being manipulative.

He has chosen to not share the details of his history with you. He will need to do this in or to help you understand the makeup of the man you married. This is a matter of being open and honest, a concept you'll both need to embrace in order to heal your M. I suspect his former wives were not horrible, crazy people. This is called re-writing marital history. On his part.

He's trying to ease your worry that he'll divorce you and leave you. OW certainly wants to remarry. She's not going to tell him that! That would take away from their little fantasy.

She IS important to you! She's having an affair with your husband! Quit worrying about the example THEY are setting for HER children. This will not help you.

I knew a guy who left his 'hot' younger wife for an older woman. I met the older woman and was stunned. She was homely (and I'm being kind)who didn't have much going for her personality-wise. Understand this, CT, it's not the looks. It's the fulfillment of emotional needs. [color]

Quote

You know a man his age is pretty much what he is going to be in life.

[color:#CC0000]If you have been reading the posts on this site (especially on Recovering from an Affair) you'll know this comment is wrong.

I am re reading Mimi My gift to you, I read it once before the B plan and everybody seems to think she had a good one and A plan too. I wish I could find her A plan too

Don't lose patience with me I just need to read a little. I need to know how this works ok. I only been on this site a short time and I know I need to do something and what I have been doing doesn't work. I especially like the breaking down of my posts to show me how I have been thinking.

Come here, CT, give us a hug We're not losing patience with you. But we're also not going to sit and murmur quietly about what a shame it is that your losing your M, how sad that things turned out the way they did. We're not going to cross our fingers and hope everything turns out okay for you. That's not how Marriage Builders works! You may have gone to other websites that encourage quiet contemplation and hope for the future. Those things will more than likely NOT give you a recovered M.

MB's concepts are a plan of action. When followed carefully, those actions more often than not will work to recover your M. If we sound impatient it is because your inaction is frustrating - especially to the posters who followed the concepts and recovered their M. When we see inaction by a BS we know that their probable outcome will be the loss of their M. That's why we may come across as stern or impatient.

Yes, keep reading. But read,comprehend and use the steps you will need to take to recover your M.

Caveat: MB doesn't help recover every M. Sometimes the WS is so emotionally gone that there can be no recovery. In that case, MB will help you recover your personal sense of worth and can help YOU rebuild your life. But your best case of recovering the M is to use MB tools.

One other thing, while I'm thinking about it:
Make sure you read about the most important Emotional Needs. I suspect you will find that your WH has a need for Conversation. By your posts, I suspect that OW isn't adequately meeting that need. If that is the case you are a great candidate for Plan B. Read about Plan B as well.

It does sound like an important need of his. It's hard to decipher what their needs are when they don't tell you, but I think MB has it right. Maybe you need to give him the chance to figure out she's as dumb as a box of rocks and can't be much of stimulating conversationalist Huh!

Well, I guess I am in Plan B today. I have been in Plan A for too long, and he knows how I feel.His Love Bank just wants to go,what he is going to get from her. I asked him had things changed?, He don't know yet. He still has feelings for me but doesn't know what his feeling are for her.That he has feeling for her, but not where they are going. I told him actions speak louder than words. Everyday he goes to her instead of here with me, he made a choice that day. He knows that day what he wanted to do each time he goes to her house.

I can't do a plan B letter to him because I don't know her address. I know the town she lives in, her car and tag number, and her phone number. I know she has 3 teenagers and has been divorced over 5 years. I don't know her name but I know where she works. I know right now she is my enemy.
So I had to do my Plan B letter to him in person.