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I have been in plan B over a year now.
WH is testing my boundaries. He and OW must have their future planned and a D is part of it and so....my WH is broaching my IM wall of safety.
I do not want to make errors here and know, if confronted by WH I should simply state "I love you. I will not talk with you. The letter I gave you when you left states everything from my side." or something like that.
h.e.l.p.
My emotions are getting stirred up in a most unpleasant way and I am having trouble thinking straight!
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What is WH doing to test your boundaries?
Please give details.
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He sent an email to me (I have not answered) and forwarded it to my IM. I have blocked him but he used a new email to send it.
He is lingering at home during times to get the kids, whether I am here (I usually,when home am not in the entrance area or available site or sound and it is brief before the kids shuttle him out to go) or not and I am thinking he is trying to catch me to 'talk' with me.
Not responding to his email, I am anticipating him coming to get a face to face to push a talk.
He has been very good about respecting my boundaries previously and this has me feeling vulnerable and upset.
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Change the locks on the house and tell the kids they are not allowed to let dad/WH in.
Maintain NC.
This is why pick up and drop offs are to be done at a neutral place such as your parents house.
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How old are your children? I have my kids walk out to the car by themselves. When WH drops them off, they wait until he leaves and then they ring the bell. WH used to call the house to make sure that they got in but now he drives around the block. This way, I do NOT see him, unless I plan it.
About the email thing, I would say get a new address. Just sending to your IMs does nothing to save YOU.
Sorry you are going through this Reading. Please plug up these holes. You will feel much better after you do.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Plugging up holes. Gonna do it.
If he insists on a face off at this juncture, I will simply say "I love you. I can not speak with you." and leave his presence. Even if he attempts to continue any conversation about anything.
I will only converse further with him if he tells my IM someday he wants to talk about recovering our marriage to each other and the OW is gone/outta here/never to be contacted in any way ever again.
(talking myself down here)
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Plugging up holes. Gonna do it.
If he insists on a face off at this juncture, I will simply say "I love you. I can not speak with you." and leave his presence. Even if he attempts to continue any conversation about anything. I wouldn't tell him you love him. Rather, I would have a talking point prepared that serves to support your Plan B conditions. If he wants to talk, ask him: "have you ended your affair and are you prepared to commit to the marriage? Otherwise we have nothing to talk about." Then flip around and walk off. I am confused about what he has been doing to test your boundaries. What EXACTLY has he done?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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subject was
can we talk
message was
Hi BS,
I'd like to talk with you about where we are at with our marriage and how we might legally proceed. We can't do this via friends or family members. Are you open to this? Are you open to mediation? To co-parenting, talking about our kids? Please get back to me asap to set up a time.
WH
I should not have read it but forwarding it to IM, I had to click on it to forward and could not resist.
I did just block his latest email addy he sent it from
Guess from reading it, I conjecture OW has put the screws to him and given him ultimatum to get the ball rolling for them. Conjecture but hard not to
but
I am not going to jump through their hoops.
I am not going to allow myself to furthur be pulled back into the drama
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Hi BS,
I'd like to talk with you about where we are at with our marriage and how we might legally proceed. We can't do this via friends or family members. Are you open to this? Are you open to mediation? To co-parenting, talking about our kids? Please get back to me asap to set up a time.
WH ok, I knew you had read it.  Your IM should respond as such: Dear Joe, your email to BS was auto-forwarded to me and she has not read it. To answer your question, she is not willing to talk about anything other than a) ending your affair and b) committing to the marriage. Those are the only conditions she would agree to see you. Anything else can handled through me or an attorney. Thank you Sally IM See, your H is testing the waters to see if he can get you back on the farm. There could be several reasons for this, but allowing him to contact you without living up to the conditions of your Plan B letter would be a disaster. Just have your IM get him focused back on your conditions and don't worry about it!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"have you ended your affair and are you prepared to commit to the marriage? Otherwise we have nothing to talk about."
Thanks!
I am printing that out and memorizing it so I could say it in my sleep!
Thank you MBers for helping me focus and being focused helps calm me down.
Darkness is SO much nicer than glimpses and drama!
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"have you ended your affair and are you prepared to commit to the marriage? Otherwise we have nothing to talk about."
Thanks!
I am printing that out and memorizing it so I could say it in my sleep!
Thank you MBers for helping me focus and being focused helps calm me down.
Darkness is SO much nicer than glimpses and drama! reading, he is trying to go around your IM and you need to nip that in the bud real quick. Ask her to send him the message I wrote above. That will show him that he can't go around her and that you are dead serious. If you don't put that down quick, he will soon be barging in the house for a chat.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes Mulan, I have seen that!
Melodylane, I'll get my IM on it. Should he mention the new email block or not?
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Yes Mulan, I have seen that!
Melodylane, I'll get my IM on it. Should he mention the new email block or not? Sure!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well,
Now, in the postal mail today was an envelope addressed to me from my WH.
I have not opened it.
What do I do with it?
Give to IM
Send back to WH (either with his pile of mail or to his mailbox)
shred it?
Any ideas?
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If it doesn't look like a death certificate for one of your children (the only circumstance I'd condone opening it in, don't think I'm being morbid just for the heck of it), then don't open it.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Indeed I won't open.
But.....should I forward it to my IM to deal with H or just forget it, not mention it to anyone but you MBers?
I am getting good practise at this passive resistence stuff@
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Well,
Now, in the postal mail today was an envelope addressed to me from my WH.
I have not opened it.
What do I do with it?
Give to IM
Send back to WH (either with his pile of mail or to his mailbox)
shred it?
Any ideas? I would throw it away. Even giving it to your IM will flag him that you had it at one point. That's contact for him. There is nothing he needs to send you mail about. It's just a ploy to engage you. It sounds like OW is forcing him to cut bait or fish, and he's trying to get negative energy from you to build his sense of entitlement in order to make the leap with her. Don't give that to him.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I wouldn't tell him you love him. I'm glad Melody Lane said that because I agree but I wasn't sure if that was right. And I would send the letter to the IM and have them say "ultimately your choice is to reconcile or divorce. If you choose to reconcile, please let me know but if you choose to divorce, you cannot look to either reading or me for assistance with this." I agree with you, Plan B is a wonderful, peaceful place to be and a good place to heal and feel better about yourself.
Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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