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Welcome to Marriage Builders! We ask that you take the time to read through these important links that relate to the forum's topic. This will help you understand some of the answers you receive from posters in this forum.

What to Do with a Child of an Affair by Willard F. Harley, Jr.


What to Do When You (or your spouse) Becomes Pregnant with an Affair Partner's Child

How To Survive Infidelity

30 Minute Video on Infidelity

When Should an Affair be Exposed?

Exposure 101

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Marriage Builders Radio Show - Broadcast M - F at 12:00 cst. Rebroadcast for 24 hours until the next show. Send your questions to Dr Harley and Mrs Harley and they may answer your question for free. here

The Book: Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley and Dr. Jennifer Chalmers

Radio Show of the Basic Concepts and why Dr. Harley Believes what he Believes

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Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
I am revising SAA and it should be in print sometime in 2011, and the problem you raise will be included in it. But it's particularly difficult to address because of our no-contact-with-the-ex-lover rule on the one hand, and the need of a child to have contact with their natural parents on the other. Our radio archives have more on this subject than anything I've written so far, because we've had several listeners call in with this problem, and I describe the approach I take.

As you probably already know by now, I tilt toward keeping the marriage healthy at the possible expense of the child not having adequate contact with the OM. I recommend that at the time of birth, the other man not be mentioned on the birth certificate unless he demands it. That makes your husband the legal parent of the child. If he does demand being on the birth certificate, I recommend that he pay child support until the child is 19. If the OM wants visitation, I recommend that it be done with transparency, so his own family knows what's going on. A mediator, paid by him, is to pick up and deliver the child so that you and your husband never have to have any contact with him.

In almost all cases that I've witnessed, the OM isn't willing to be named on the birth certificate, pay the child support, or make the situation known to his family. Under those conditions, I highly suggest that he not be able to visit his child until he or she is an adult. If an attempt is made, I suggest getting a restraining order. While that policy seems very rigid and uncaring toward the child, the alternatives are usually disastrous. Having an old lover around, the cause of your husband's greatest sadness, has such an devastating effect on the marriage that few survive.

Having heard from some of the couples who have followed this way of thinking, and others who have done the opposite, I am confident that it is the best approach to your situation.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.


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Dr Bill Harley discussing adultery that involves a pregnancy on the radio. Please listen to this radio clip: CLICK HERE



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Originally Posted By: LynnG
Hiding assets, or creative accounting to save family funds from leaving the family is important to many. I'm sure each state is different, so a good laywer will be able to help you here.

Separate on paper, quit claim deeds (as below),etc. They are all legal. Don't ever allow emotions to control your finances.

I know that some will see this as being unfair to the OC. So be it. None of this is fair and my children are innocent too.

But in many cases, the BW is sitting around feeling sorry for herself. Don't. Get out and get moving. Find out your rights. Do not spend the next 18 years of your life with someone else in control. Defend your home,your kids and yes, that means finances.

Some see this as bitter and mean spirited. Sorry, I don't see it that way. Maybe a BW who stands up and fights back terrifies some. My children come first. Their needs supercede any needs of the OW and her child.

My H and OW made that child, my kids will not pay for it. My H pays child support. But through the efforts of our attorney, all increases to salary are now paid out on a consulting basis, or sent directly to a retirement account. Retirement funds can't be touched. This is perfectly legal.

I know many feel it is unfair and cruel. However, this whole situation is cruel and hurtfull to many. The actions of the UH/OW have huge ripple effect. The OW see it as horribly unfair to her child to be denied. But what did they think? Is the UH supposed to welcome this child with open arms and embrace it? What about his wife and children at home? Their feelings matter too. I am sick to death of reading these OW saying that it is reality, and how the BW has to accpet the OC. Well the OW has to accept that the BW has a voice. She has feelings. She has rights. I read where OW do not want BW anywhere near the OC,as if the only person with rights is the OW. COME ON, GET REAL. The OW has to accept that her child, if the MM wants contact, will be involved with the BW.

Meandering here. Part of the destruction brought on by the EMR is that the OC will not necessarily be thought of in endearing terms. That the BW, by placing her childrens needs first, will probably "screw" the oc. To bad. That is the reality of the situation. The OW have to realize this. The reality is that the laws allow us to do such. The reality is that we, as a couple worked hard and your child will not benefit from it. CS is not a benefit, but necessary. Of that I would never disagree.

I am saddened by how many wives on here feel they don't have a voice. While you are going through this, you have a right to be heard. If your H insists on contact and you feel you just can't, tell him. Get the laywer, get CS for your kids, etc. Cause if he is willing to go against your wishes, again, your marriage will not likely last. POJA is a good idea. Both have to be on board or it is not a marriage.

I am saying protect yourselves. Don't sit back and be a victim. Fight back. Don't allow events to unfold without your active participation. It unerves people, to bad. This is your life. Your one and only life. Live it without hassles.

If you and your husband chose to participate in the life of OC. So be it. Just make sure that you are doing it cause you want to, not because anyone pressured you to. Look. We all know OC is innocent of any wrong doing. There is a reality here. The same reality that OW insist that the BW accept the situation, works the other way. OW has to accept that her child, no matter who the father is, in some cases is not going to be welcomed into the family, or ever become a part of it, etc.

Protecting assets is not greedy, it is not mean,it is vital to the financial well being and future of your family. Why do you take deductions at tax time? CAUSE IT IS LEGAL.

Don't allow soem OW or your UH or anyone ever tell you to handle finances with your emotions. That is the dumbest thing you could ever do. It is not wrong to protect your finances. You have insurance don't you? Isn't that to protect your financial future? When it comes to money, always use your head, never your heart.

Don't ever be afraid to stick up for yourself and your life and your children and your finances and your future. You have rights too. You have feelings that are just as valid as anyone else's in this mess. Don't allow anyone to tell you how you have to feel.

People on here think I am angry and bitter cause I protect my children? Cause I don't give a damm about OW? Maybe my words are not politically correct and coddling to some. Maybe my cavalier attitude to OC bothers others. But there is a reality here. This is my life, I am living it. I am not allowing some OW and the OC to direct how I live. I am working hard to save money for the future. If I am gone, then, making darn sure my children are taken care of. That is reality.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dr Harley counsels a WH and a BW about an OC situation on todays radio show. It was an awesome show! He walks them through how it should be handled. The husband is refusing to not see his OC and Dr Harley tells him why he needs to never have contact with the child or the OW. It is the 3-13-12 show and you can listen to it by clicking here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3684
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3685
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=3686


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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W/55 It has been a nightmare for me, because the man I love, is fathering a child with my niece/24. It is sick, I have nowhere to go! And this is my husband, my home, why should I be the one to go. Her baby is due any day now, May 6-7. I have watched this pregnancy 9 months, tearing my heart thread by thread.
She's a nursing grad. I guess she didn't do her homework on birth control methods. I blame her first, " NO " would of been the answer. But she made the initial flirts & invite, He was flattered, a 24 yr old! Where do I go from here.


Texas born, I am a Pices, super friendly, enjoy life, people,I have been a hard worker all of my life, mother of two young men, worked in the Healthcare field, worked with handicap children. I just want to enjoy life and be happy. I feel destroyed right now and it is so difficult for me to see the light. I feel as if I am living a "Jerry Springer", episode. My heart has been torn to shreds...
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Hi SandySue, I started a thread for you in the Surviving an Affair forum. Please continue to post there.


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