So I have been super frustrated with my spouse and I am not really sure if its me that is going crazy or him that is driving me to be crazy. I am divorced with two girls age 11 and 9. He has no children and never has been married. We have been together for approximately 6 years right now and I am at a loss at to where our relationship stands. We have had our share of problems after the divorce, which still sneak up on all of us from time to time. The kids are 99.9% of time with us, the visit with their dad for few hours every over week. We have a challenging time communicating about the day to day things, and often that turns into an argument or us not talking to each other until things get to crazy and that is when we scream at one another for a little while and the whole cycle starts again. We have go to counseling and I think that helped a little, I would like to go back; however, my �other half� states that he know what the issues are and doesn�t need to go and pay someone to tell him. He is basically telling me I need to change something, but I am not sure what that something is. He is good to my kids, not perfect but a good role model for my children. He is home every night, attends their soccer or basketball games and coaches the younger one baseball, is involved in their church and/or school activities, checks their homework, takes them to the movies� etc� He really tries to be the best male figure he can be. However; our communication is really dray and short� We are not very intimate, he avoid contact with me, which can be hurtful to feel rejected in such way. I have broken into his e-mail/facebook/phone/other accounts and there is no signs of flirting/cheating, unless I am missing something. There are online dating e-mails, which I think we all get, but he does not act on them at all. He is not aware that I have cracked his passwords and am able to access his personal accounts. Since he doesn�t want to have anything to do with me I have convinced myself that he is cheating, which could be part of the problem and could be reflected in how interact with him. He does not come to bed approximately 50% of time, he sleeps on the couch, but he actually stays up late playing online game, which I have also been able to access and go through his e-mails and comments, and there are no signs of flirtation/cheating?!?!? So now I am at a loss, I don�t want to be upset about this anymore or feel like he is doing something behind my back and I also would like for us to reconnect somehow, even if that means I have to make changes. We have spoken about this numerous times and a good and not so good way and I have confronted him or accused him of cheating, for the simple fact that he doesn�t want anything to do with me, but that doesn�t get us anywhere. Please help!! Thank you!

You don't have to be in contact with your XH to be a good parent. I would stop all contact and have communications filtered through a neutral 3rd party who will act as a spam filter. Staying in contact with him is not good for you as a parent because it just causes you emotional trauma which sure does not help your parenting. Many psychologists recommend not being in contact with your X after a divorce for this very reason.
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What day to day things can you have to discuss with an EX??? Why not resolve any outstanding issues and move on?

oh wait. Are your complaints about your XH or about some other dude you are shacking up with??

If it is the latter, then my suggestion is to dump him. He is bad news and clearly not marriage material. Dating is a job interview for marriage and he has flunked the test. No woman in her right mind would waste her time on some prospect that lies and cheats. Dump him.

He is a poor role model for your children. Not to mention that is sets a poor moral example for children to be shacking up.

Maybe I was not clear in my original post the challenging communication and lack of intimacy is with the man I currently share my life with � not my EX

FYI we have been together for approximatly 6 years .. dating for three married for three...

Are you married?? I am so confused.. You started off with And now you say you are married...

MelodyLane... are you going to offer some advice or judge the quality of my post? Yes we are married � but he has never been married before has no children, I have been married and I have two children from the previous marriage�

I think I will pass.

xo13, if neither of you are cheating and you both are willing to put some effort into building a great marriage, then I highly suggest you check out some of the MB material such as His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters to start you off. Are you spending 15 hours of quality alone time together per week? Have you eliminated love busters which deplete your husband's love for you?

Travis

Homework;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5520_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5515_qa.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5530_qa.html


Each one of those is a SECTION with several articles included.

Read those articles, and come back with your questions, regarding and in the context of the articles.

*edit*

When possible, either reference the title of the article, or link it when asking your questions.

15 hours? Well that would explain everything. We do not spend enough time alone. Need to work on that! thank you

Melody, isn't the snooping spouse advised to alert the snooped on spouse that they were snooping if no signs of infidelity come up through snooping?

This means a little more than 2 hours EVERY DAY.

If you are at a crisis point, you need 20 hours a week. This is almost 3 hours per day.

Some of this can be done small and simple; phone calls throughout the day. The rest? Plan on going to bed an hour or two earlier than usual. Spend time talking and holding each other.

Also; start holding hands again. At any time you are in the presence of the other, HOLD HANDS.

Does this mean that I need to tell him that I snooped, even though I am not completely done snooping?? I am still feeling like there is something I missed? Keep in mind that is my feeling - I have zero evidence that there is something going on. I think I have convinced myself that since he doesn�t want to be with me he must be giving his love and affection to someone else? Could there be something else happening that I am missing?? Any advice on that?? I am feeling so grrrrr towards him and I don�t want to feel this way but no matter how I tell him that I need affection there is even less affection to follow. What am I doing wrong?

HeadHeldHigh
We are at a crisis point, but every time I bring up us doing something together I get nothing. I have gotten, what to me seem like excuses; that he is tired, kids take up too much time and they are not his biological kids, his work is too stressful and takes up too much of his energy. But then again he stays up late at nigh playing computer games� I have gone through his e-mail on that game and there is nothing flirtatious or anything like that, it appears to be honest, but he is more involved in that and is willing to spend more time doing that, which I am assuming is more enjoyable then spending time with me. I get it, but the question is how to I tell him that if we both try hard enough our time can be enjoyable without sounding like I am controlling him or wanting him to change or complaining??? His job is very stressful (financial/mortgage business owner) so talking during the day is not always the easiest, which I respect and understand. We both work and my job is not as stressful but can be very busy. We do watch TV shows together, which I guess is time spend together but we don�t normally talk during that time only on commercials, so how productive is that?!? If I was to count that time, we would be at much more then 20hr per week � double if not triple that. We don�t go out much, and if we do is normally as a family. Occasionally, twice a year I would say he goes out with his brother and I spend time with my sister. B-days special occasions, etc. I just completed the His/her needs questioner and compared to the one I did two years ago and my need for affection is not been satisfied at all� I have tried telling him but I must not be telling him the right way and every time I do talk about it � he tells me to give him time .. he needs to do it on his terms and that he understands my needs he just needs time and he wants me to be patient� Please HELP!!!

Never reveal thank you are gathering intelligence all that does is tell the WS that what he is doing is working.

And, telling them warns the WS to keep their vigilance up and not get sloppy because they will get caught then.

But, are you getting 20 hours a week of UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. That time watching TV and talking during commercials doesn't count. That may be RC, but it is not UA time.

Contact during the work day - texts, e-mails, or phone calls during breaks and lunches. You can be the one to initiate this, and to guide the conversation. It becomes easier and more natural as it is developed into a habit.

Xo, don't underestimate your own power to guide your M into the M you always wanted. Your own demonstration and care and love can be the solution to your problem;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5009_qa.html

Point taken on the TV, I get it and completely agree, but how do tell him that??? How do I tell him that our time together is the key here???, well at least I think it is, please correct me if I am wrong?? What exactly do I say to get his attention and to make him think about it and to make him try and change the circumstances?? Is there a magic statement I can make?? Do I say nothing and continue to hope that one day I will wake up and everything will be great? Do I continue this �try and error� approach and see??, but how long can one last and actually succeed at this before they start resenting the other person� or before they just simply give up??

I have attempted to call or e-mail him during the day or even leave him a little note in his lunch telling him I care and love him� when I do call or e-mail him I normally get a very rude response from him� which leaves me feeling rejected and when I feel like that I don�t want to try again and again and have my feelings hurt all over again. I have told him that is upsets me how he responds so his answer is not to call or contact him while at work because he is too busy� I tell/ask him this is our life together our relationship, how can you be too busy?? In return I get this: �you just don�t understand anything �. I wish you could be in my shoes at least for one day you would understand � you just don�t get it �. You live in a fantasy world �. Etc� these comments keep on coming and I watch my self esteem disappear and not want to stand up to him, because really me contacting him at work is it really that important?? I can get by without it, so I keep lying to myself because I do know that our relationship cannot get by without interaction� This same concept can be applied to many of our interactions � which leaves me not wanting to try, but at the same time I don�t want to live my life feeling rejected and frustrated� which is where I stand today!!

Has he always been like that about his "work time?" Or is this a new development? What is his work environment like? Any opposite sex coworkers?

On his sleeping on the couch, and late night gaming; how do you react to him staying up late?

I did the sleeping on the couch thing because if I stayed up late playing games or whatever, I would get wrath from FWW when I went to bed. Conflict avoidance.

No he has not been like that about work in the beginning when we met/dated/beginning of our marriage. This has changed drastically when he became owner of the company, last two years I would say. I could understand the change in responsibilities and the added stress of being an owner, but not taking a couple of minutes a day to talk to your spouse?? I don�t know if I buy that!?!? Yes there are opposite sex coworkers, checked up on most of them. Check the interaction on his facebook account (have access to his account � he does not know) with the ones that I would see him be flirtatious with. Found nothing!! One thing that I have not been able to access is his work e-mail, which is next on my list. I do realize that most of our EA or PA would start at work and if there was something, they would exchange it via work e-mail. He does talk about this one gal that he exchanges information with from time to time, not really sure how I feel about that, but for now it is what it is� until I can prove it otherwise.

I hate when he stays up late playing games, I can understand and possibly could accept an occasional night, but every night� too much in my opinion� and some of that time could be used to work on our relationship (I know he is not seeing it like that right now)� I have confronted him several times about it in a nice and not so nice way, neither one produced desired results, and if there were results, they didn�t stick. I don�t mind him coming to bad late, but come to bed� I don�t know I have a thing about it I guess�