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Joined: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted by lovemywifesc
One other question..I did have an affair 4 years into our marriage and she has always wondered about what I was doing but never asked..she just kept it inside.
Your A 4 years into your M probably has nothing to do with your WW's A. However, it has everything to do with your M! We now need some back story: what did you do to heal your M from your adultery?
faint

I know for a fact she can't see him and vise versa,
You know nothing of the kind, unless you are hooked to her hip 24/7.

We have plans to go to Texas and ofcourse we have Christmas together with the kids and I do not want to hurt the kids right before this and keep them from going to texas and having christams with us both.
This isn't going to be the last Christmas your kids will ever have. But it will probably be one of their worst, with you and your WW and her A muddying everything. Clean it up, now. Go to Texas in a state of healing, not in a holding-til-after-the-holidays pattern.

Do I owe her anything since I have hurt her and made her suffer...I can only imagine all the hurt she has went thru wondering if I was still doing stuff.
If you've been owning your [censored], have been remorseful, O&H, etc., you owe her your continuing fidelity. No spouse has the right to trot out their spouse's past behavior to excuse their own behavior. She needs to own her own [censored] as well...I see the censors coming as we speak, LOL

I wasn't but having had it done to me I can see whay she would wonder but she never brought it up.
Not bringing it up was her decision, yes?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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1) Did you confess your affair?

2) Put flexispy or some other software on her phone if you think she's communicating via the phone. Any contact at all will continue to kill your marriage. There needs to be absolutely ZERO contact for life.

3) If she still is communicating w/ OM via the phone, shut it down, turn it off. Give her a phone that only has calling. She'll be pissed as he11, but who cares, better her be pissed than carrying on her affair. If she wants to communicate w/ OM, she can do it on her own dime outside the marital home.

4) Do your children know about the affair? If so, they need to be told (and told about yours as well).


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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I did have an affair 4 years into our marriage and she has always wondered about what I was doing but never asked..she just kept it inside. I confessed the affair and I felt horrible. I told her everything she wanted to know and tried to do everything so she wouldn't think it was continuing. I actually took a job on the west coast to get away from it. I had no intentions of conitnuing in the affair, last 2 weeks and it wasn't anything at all for me. I knew I wanted my wife and I didn't initiate the affair but doesn't excuse my role in it. What I didn't realize is thru out the years the things that made her think I could be having others. She never voiced her concerns she just let it build up. I told her the other day maybe you should have told me but easy to say now.

I showed her the email last night and we had a good conversation I guess. Anyways, she called me today and told me thank you for showing her the email. She said I was right and she probably was on the fence because of her feelings for him and that the email help her see what he was doing. Again, I don't think the work is done by any means...She said she doesn't want to go back to the way things were and we have a lot to work on and she isn't a 100% yet but she working on it. I guess actions will speak volumes over the next few days. I told her about this site and all the things she was saying was just like everyone else on here. I told her what we had to do, that I was fighting for her and me sitting back doing nothing wasn't. Ok, I am not on a perfect plan and really didn't expect this to go the way it has. But Is it possible she saw what he was telling his wife and realized he did nothing but use her and could this have gotten thru to her?


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Perhaps, but don't bet the farm on it. Continue to snoop and follow all the advice you've been given so far. Affairs are like addictions and quitting an affair partner is much like quitting smoking...extremely difficult.

If your WW appears to be somewhat remorseful after reading the e-mail, you may be in the perfect place to call the Harleys for professional guidance, especially since you also had an affair earlier in the marriage. You have a bit more to fix in the marriage that may be possible without the Harley's help.


BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04

***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Ok, I feel like I should be very happy but... I don't! Wife and I have been working together and going to MC and we have had some good times together. We talked the other night and she finally said she wants me and wants us. I can't catch her doing anything can't find another phone, I know where she is at at all times, she doesn't go out of town, but I feel in my gut she is still contacting him via gmail chat and I can't catch her on her iPhone 4. Only thing that I have is she gets Internet/media on phone bill but I can't figure out why or how. I have tried everything to duplicate it on my phone but can't. She works in a place that her phone constantly searches for signal so not sure if this causes this or not. I have found stuff on the computer after telling her something about being able to find information on her self by just searching her name she got up the next morning and searched it but the odd thing she was searching email and her name which leads me to believe she is trying to make sure a hidden email isn't showing up even though she denies it. I will give her this she either isn't doing anything or she is smart enough to only do it on her phone because she suspects I am watching the computer. Anytime something looks like it's bothering me she really makes an effort to get close and see what's bother me. I didn't give up any information and don't know how or if I should confront her with so little info. My question here now is she is saying she is trying to work it out although she still seems distant at times and doesnt seem to initiate anything unless I look distant and still doesn't want to have sex because she feels I have hurt her in something I did and she just wants to feel loved for right now. (keeping my mouth shut) it's been almost 70 since I found out and tried once but she said she felt the same when we did. Do I keep loving her and if I don't see change do I suggest if she is not 100% in and that she move out? I still have not told our kids 15 and 17 only told OM wife and talked with her some but she doesn't seem to want to exchange email to much not sure what he has told her but it wouldn't surprise me to find out anything at this point. I want to believe but I know better. My wife doesn't understand I went thru what she is going thru and I know what she feels. Ok sorry running long.

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Several folks have posted about installing flexispy on her phone. Have you done that?

Is she willing to work on recovering the marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Install the flexispy on her phone and KNOW if there is contact. If there is, you need to fully expose the A to your kids, family and close friends who can help coax her back to the marriage.

Regarding intimacy, it is state in Harley's materials that Withdrawal take around 6 weeks. In A's that start out as EA's my personal opinion, and experience, is that W takes longer with women. During the W time frame, snoop, spend 20 hours of undivided time with her, and strongly consider calling the Harley's for coaching. You marriage appears to have a pretty good chance at healing.


BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04

***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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I can't install it on her phone, its not jail broken and its a iphone 4. She will know if i mess with it. Thanks for your replies and I am hoping we have a good chance.
We do not fight and we have spent every day together since this has happened. I am trying to talk her into it and have showed her about what we need to do to recover.

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Ok, sorry haven't been here much. Things seem to be progressing but not really very fast. I have a IPHONE 4 and with the update it allows you to track your phone. Well my wife has throw a fit about this and acts like I am treating her as criminal, she talked to her friend and must have told her I installed this program to track her which isn't the truth at all, the fact that it tracks where she is at is nice but I didn't do it the update allowed it. My thought as is most of yours is why focus on the your treating me like a criminal, and she is trying to make me feel guilty by doing this. My thought is that if she wants to show me she is trust worthy and has nothing to hide why wouldn't you want to have this installed and incase you lose your phone you can find it. Anyways, I had removed the app on her phone but I forgot about the email that you have to activate and it's been about a week since i removed the app. Today I checked on it and her phone was gone, so i am assuming she deleted the email in settings. The first thing that sticks out is what was she doing in there putting in a secret email so she could email him? Or just out of the blue she went in there?? I noticed she looked at something on the computer about it yesterday...REALLY bothers me but I don't know how to bring it up...I thought about telling her I am not going to make her do anything she doesn't want but I refuse to be in a marriage that my wife refuses to be transparent on something as simple as her location. I could care less if she knows where i am at, but I have nothing to hide and don't feel like i am a prisoner at all. I feel like I am a loving husband who wants my wife to feel secure in knowing I am where I say I am.

Things have seemed to be getting better we are always together but I really don't see much of a change in attitude by her. Our talks led to unhealthy conversations, and basically her telling me nothing she ever does is good enough for me. She tells me she loves me and wants our marriage but her actions seem shallow to me anyways. Does she make some efforts, YES..but it's the lack of talking and opening up and trying to come up with a game plan to make us better that bothers me.. Why try if your going to do nothing, if you want it to work wouldn't you do everything and anything to do it? OMG this is SOOO frustrating..by the way she is a ER nurse and I have noticed so many things that are different in her, I am happy she likes her job but it has Changed her SOO much...I hate it!
Sorry just venting..

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I see that you have told her about this site. How do you know that she is not watching this thread?

Never expose your resources!


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Imagine-Thanks for the reply..I did look at her phone she did not remove the email that allows it to work. I think she might just have turned off the location services to save her battery. Her actions are slowly changing and I can't find anything she is doing wrong. I would love for her to really open up but maybe in time she will. I am trying to be as loving as I can with no LB's and changing myself as the way I should have been all along.

I think she is really noticing and we spend every night together..would love to do more talking but don't want to force relationship issues now.

Your right, I shouldn't have told her about this site. She has finally started reading LB's and hopefully she will continue and read His needs..Her needs also.

I want to thank you all..talking to friends really helped but didn't. They all advised not to do stuff that I felt I should and this site basically backed what I had thought up.

I am sure I am not out of the woods and I am not closing my eyes and thinking this is over. Just incase the plan is to let the storms pass and resume the affair. I will BLOW it out of the water if I ever find out it's continuing.

ML- you are my hero..I wish I could think of replys and word them the way you can. I trust this site and the people on here more than I trust any MC or IC. What this site does is amazing! Thanks all!

Don't forget the reason for the season!

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Ok, I have been having trouble getting my thought and words aligned when trying to have a conversation with my wife. I seem to talk bout the same thing over and over and wanted to really be prepared and talk about stuff that will allow us to move forward.

My wife has told me she is commited to me and our marriage but it seems as thought it's just stuck, not moving back and not moving forward. I attribute this to several things but mostly for not having any plan. I am copying and pasting my "agenda" so that I can talk to my wife tonight and hopefully figure out where we go from here.

If you guys don't mind can you look this over and let me know what changes you might make? I am just trying to keep it safe for us both and come up with a plan for recovery or a plan for whatever it is that we are going to do.

1. Do you want to be with me? Do you want to continue with our marriage?

2. If yes, how committed are you?

a. Renter-I will see how it goes.
b. Buyer-Where in this together and will work together to save it.

3. Do you think we can recover without having a game plan?

4. Do you have any suggestions or plans to restore our marriage?

5. If not are you open to MB as a plan to restore love and save our marriage?

a. What are your top 4 needs?

i. Affection
ii. Conversation
iii. Open and Honesty
iv. Sexual fulfillment
v. Recreation companionship
vi. Admiration
vii. Family Commitment
viii. Physical Attractiveness
ix. Domestic support
x. Financial support

b. Do you feel I am meeting these needs?
c. Is there anything I can do better?
d. Is there something I am doing that is annoying you?

6. Are you willing to meet my top 4 needs?

a. Affection
b. Sexual fulfillment
c. Recreational Companionship
d. Conversation

7. Is there something I can do to help you heal?
8. Would you like me to write a no-contact letter?
9. Are you willing to write a no-contact letter?
10. Are there any questions that you need answered?
11. Are you willing to do this even thought it may seem awkward and difficult?
12. Can I do anything to make you feel safer with me?




13. Are you willing to fix things that make me feel unsafe in our marriage?

a. Removing single face book friends or those who you have feelings for or did in high school?
b. Possibly deleting or combining FB�s?

14. I am committed to you, this marriage and my family. I am willing to do anything to get us back are you?

15. Is there any unanswered questions you have that I can answer now?

16. Do you feel as though I am giving a 100% to recover our marriage?

17. Do you feel your giving a 100%?

18. Last, I do not wish to be stuck in a loveless marriage where either of us meet each others needs and live as roommates but I am committed to you, our marriage and our family and restoring the love, and passion we once had if you choose.

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