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xo13 #2447594 12/01/10 12:01 AM
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Originally Posted by xo13
Oh dam it � I think I just made things super bad� He told me he does not want to hear a word out of me for a long time!! I need some duck tape, or simply no matter what I say is the wrong thing to say?
What do couples do for fun�. How does everyone meet the 15+ hours a week of UA??
This gaming things, is that a normal thing people do?? I feel so confused!!

Calm down?

Wachu talkin 'bout, Willis? What did you say to set him off? AO, DJ?


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
xo13 #2447605 12/01/10 04:15 AM
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Hi xo13,

About your teen girl - Dr. Haim G Ginott has written 2 wonderful books, "Between a Parent and a Child" and "Between a Parent and a Teenager". At least the book about teens was available on the Internet for downloading, but I couldn't find it anymore. You can order them from Amazon. It says a thing or two about empathy and this was some really good reading, it helped me a lot during the time our daughter had her worst moodswings.

I would introduce MB to him, your H seems to be open to some of your ideas at least and he may like it here. This will give you a good chance, both of you, to fill in the Emotional Needs and Love Busters Questionnaire, and start on that information. Have you started to read Dr Harley's books - Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs? There is a good way to get them for free - call MB radio show, ask your question on the air and you will be sent one of his books. Here - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=12

Keep your head cool, it took you some long years to come to the habits you are now trying to get rid of. It doesn't happen overnight, Dr Harley has said that it takes about 3 weeks of serious practice to form a new habit.


Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing

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I'm really new to MB, been here about a month now. Hubby and I have been together almost 4 years. He's a gamer and TV addict, and this caused a lot of problems with us. When I'd come home from work he wouldn't pause his game to speak to me (yes, silly, but it always felt like he put the game above me). We talked about it and he still games a lot, especially when a new game comes out, but instead of getting upset he's going off to his cave I'll bring a new book, blanket, and curl up with him and read while he plays.

We both came into this with time consuming habits - I read *alot*, I have horses, he skateboards, and he games. It used to bother me that he'd game so much, but I now look at it as a good chance to get some reading done while he's quiet.

And, from someone else struggling with the sass comments, it's not easy to change. I know it drives John crazy and is one of his LBs, but it's something I've done all my life and gotten me in trouble many times. Good luck!


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Originally Posted by Niitse
Hi xo13,

About your teen girl - Dr. Haim G Ginott has written 2 wonderful books, "Between a Parent and a Child" and "Between a Parent and a Teenager". At least the book about teens was available on the Internet for downloading, but I couldn't find it anymore. You can order them from Amazon. It says a thing or two about empathy and this was some really good reading, it helped me a lot during the time our daughter had her worst moodswings.

I would introduce MB to him, your H seems to be open to some of your ideas at least and he may like it here. This will give you a good chance, both of you, to fill in the Emotional Needs and Love Busters Questionnaire, and start on that information. Have you started to read Dr Harley's books - Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs? There is a good way to get them for free - call MB radio show, ask your question on the air and you will be sent one of his books. Here - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=12

Keep your head cool, it took you some long years to come to the habits you are now trying to get rid of. It doesn't happen overnight, Dr Harley has said that it takes about 3 weeks of serious practice to form a new habit.


Thank you for the info.

xo13 #2448231 12/02/10 02:04 PM
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I can say if he is open to change and is one that readily adapts changes in his life that MB introduction is in order. The few short weeks I had my wife involved it changes allot. Then the ball got dropped.


Divorced 11/5/2013
FXWW EA 2005/2008/2010
Hilsmon #2448237 12/02/10 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by onemoretime
I can say if he is open to change and is one that readily adapts changes in his life that MB introduction is in order. The few short weeks I had my wife involved it changes allot. Then the ball got dropped.


I think I am waiting right now, well not waiting, but doing some work on the side to eliminate some of the LB and putting some units into the good old LB...
He loves me very much and has been there for me in so many different ways. I have been a jerk to him for a long time, I need to start being nice, loving, and kind �. I need to be the woman he fell in love with. I am so glad I came here to this website� I needed to hear some things and I am so thankful that people were not afraid to say them to me and that I acually listend. Thank you


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Update,
Its been about a week and a half since my original post and I have learned so much� hurray! I want to say thank you to everyone who offered advice and helped me see my own faults� Thank you! Things at home are much better, well at least they seem much better. I am working on my sarcasm and moodiness and that has changed the dynamic in the entire household, in a very positive way. My hubby has been much nicer to me and the kids and yesterday and today for the first time, wow maybe ever, he inquired about how our day was during dinner conversation. In addition, he actually has been more affectionate towards me and we have started calling each other at work every day�.
I can tell he has still tremendous amount of reservation; however, we are talking to each other. The other evening, we actually didn�t turn the TV on until we were done discussing something, this has not happened in a very long time. HURRY!!
Like I said I had to change a lot and the biggest thing was to tell him things about his behavior immediately when he was doing it and not holding onto it.. I tend to hold onto things and when I finally release � stay out of my way � He is the same way. One day this week he actually acknowledged that he needs to work on his AO, and just the fact that he acknowledged made me feel super good.
We have a long way to go, but we are on the way� this is working in ways I have never thought possible. We are scheduled to Christmas shop tomorrow� no kids.. and we are scheduled to go on a date next Saturday � so we are starting to schedule UA time, which is the next step� once we are both comfortable my plan is to introduce him to MB and get him to complete ENQ and share mine with him� I hope that is a good plan � Thank you everyone for all your supper and love..

xo13 #2448794 12/04/10 03:29 PM
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So happy that you see some progress already!

4hope #2449579 12/07/10 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by 4hope
So happy that you see some progress already!


4hope thanks... these are small steps and the progress is visible, but there are moments where I just want to screem, why can�t this just be perfect and the way I invision it� and then I am reminded that we are all different and I need to accept the less desirable qualities of my spouse. Thank you!

xo13 #2449585 12/07/10 11:11 AM
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OK so I have been really working hard and trying to be positive, excited, and loving. Trying to deposit these Love Units into the bank�As I am working my butt off I am also realizing that my hubby tends to be very negative and comes across as I always bother him, which hurts my feelings (I feel rejected).

So this �why are you bothering me� or �leave me alone� attitude� need some advise on this one?? Is that normal?? Is there something I can say to make him think about it � or realize it � without making him feel like I am complaining about his attitude/behavior??


Thanks!

xo13 #2449586 12/07/10 11:21 AM
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You're not trying to bother him and you won't leave him alone because you are his wife and you love him. smile

Have you introduced MB to him yet? Will you do that now? In this order:

1. Basic concepts (both read them, discuss living by them)

2. LBQ (I'll tell you how SH had us share them when you're ready)

3. ENQ

If you wait until you're 'perfect' to do this, you'll be dead. smile


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2449588 12/07/10 11:26 AM
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Originally Posted by CWMI
You're not trying to bother him and you won't leave him alone because you are his wife and you love him. smile

Have you introduced MB to him yet? Will you do that now? In this order:

1. Basic concepts (both read them, discuss living by them)

2. LBQ (I'll tell you how SH had us share them when you're ready)

3. ENQ

If you wait until you're 'perfect' to do this, you'll be dead. smile


I am scared... what if he says no or tells me that I am crazy and want too much??

xo13 #2449591 12/07/10 11:33 AM
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If he says no, tell him that you're disappointed because you think it is a solid plan that describes precisely the kind of marriage that you wish to have, but you respect his decision and if he changes his mind or gets curious, you have the information handy and won't take his interest in looking at it as a commitment to follow it. (ya know, if all that is true...amend accordingly)

If he says you are crazy and want too much, say, "I am not crazy, although I have acted out in crazy ways in the past and what I want is to change that dynamic between us. I love you."


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2449593 12/07/10 11:36 AM
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OK ... I am afraid of being rejected ... but I know I need to do this ... Thank you! Tonight! Will keep you posted!

xo13 #2449608 12/07/10 11:54 AM
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Meanwhile, think about what is in it for him. The benefits to him make good talking points. Want to try that here, pre-discussion?

What's in it for him?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2449658 12/07/10 02:05 PM
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The thing is that I am not sure what benefits he would even have to keep this marriage. He is very independent, in every way, and he wants to and likes to be very independent. He told me many times that his mom smothered him when he was a child and he hated it and every time I ask a question or make a comment I think these feelings of whatever happened when he was a child come back and he gets very annoyed with me and pushes me away.
So what are his benefits?? Good question! I am not sure if I know. That I make his lunch in the morning and buy his work shirts and that he can vent about his work stuff??? If brought any of these things up, he would just tell me that he doesn�t need me at all and he can do it alone�??

Am I in trouble??? I know what my benefits are, but do I know him well enough to make assumptions about his.

xo13 #2449699 12/07/10 03:51 PM
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Why did he get married? Do you know that?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
CWMI #2449711 12/07/10 04:28 PM
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I don�t know �
I think it may have been companionship and the possibility of me having his child one day�

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A little frustrated tonight. I have been really working hard to make changes, and today I just really had a bad day so I am having a hard time being positive and loving. My H is not in a great mood either and I could really use a hug and for someone to tell me that everything is going to be OK. Have not told H about MB yet. I am stil waiting for him to answer the question why he married (not me) but why did he want to be married... Anyway, I was thinking about telling him how I feel but its really getting late so I sould just let it be! Thanks for listening. Good night!

xo13 #2450910 12/10/10 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by xo13
Have not told H about MB yet. I am stil waiting for him to answer the question why he married (not me) but why did he want to be married...

I know you are waiting for the right mood to discuss this. Why not ask him to describe the kind of marriage he would like? And now you know how he can get it.

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