It's been a long while since I was here but when I was posting here, I really appreciated the support from all the wonderful people on this board.

Short facts about me: Married 2001, no children, xWH started affair in late 2006 and moved out. xWH went back and forward about our marriage. I did some miserable plan A and finally went to plan B in late spring 2007. I broke plan B in the beginning of 2008 because xWH wanted to work on our marriage but finally I called of all contact and the divorce was final in December 2008.

I live in a new house, I have friends but I have not yet had a new boyfriend. I have met men through dating sites and through normal social life but either I have not liked them or they have not liked me.

Now my problem is that start to I feel completely worthless. Part of the reason is that none of the men I have been interested in has had any real interest for me but the main reason is that I feel disposed of. I trusted xWH more than anyone in the world and I felt certain that he would always love me because we adored each other. He started his affair and left me when I was ill and depressed because I was not fun anymore. The rational explanation is that he is a piece of [censored] but I feel like there is something wrong with me since he did not care for me more than that.

I don�t know what to do about my self esteem. I don�t know if it would help if I would meet someone new and the problem is that I secretly I think that no one will really love me because everyone finds me strange or repulsive.

Why,

All I can offer is the old cliche- in order to find love, you must first love yourself.

I'm not a counselor, just a regular joe out here, but I would recommend some independant counseling for you to help work on building up your own self esteem.

Maybe you can start on your own today and start a 'gratitude list'. Write down 10 things in your life that you are grateful for presently. Next, maybe write down just one thing that you like about yourself today. Then come up with another one tomorrow. Repeat for 30 days.

Something that I have learned from here is that whatever is 'missing' inside of you probably can't or won't be met or filled by another person. You need to become complete yourself first.

I'm sure there are many on here more qualified than I to help at least point you in the right direction, but I just wanted to offer my quick opinion. Best of luck.

whyus, we fall in love based on the way people make us feel. If you can learn to get really good at meeting the needs of others, you can be loved. You are focusing on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on who you are, I would focus on WHAT you do and how you make others feel.

What are you doing or not doing to incent men to be attracted to you?

I think if you change your thinking on this it will help you change your behavior around others. Learn to get GOOD at meeting the needs of others and make an effort to date [not sleep!] as many men as possible. The more men you date, the more likely you are to find one that does a good job of meeting your needs.

Dr Harley explains in this article how we fall in love: The Lovebank

Thank you, I appreciate your concern.

I like myself. I may even go so far as that I love myself. I would not want to be anyone else but me and I am quite happy with myself. When I spend time with my family and friends I feel that they enjoy my company as much as I enjoy their company but I don't have that special person in my life to love and hold. Maybe I should seek counseling to find out if I subconsciously reject other people in some way. There is nothing wrong with me that I can put my finger on, it is just that I feel that other people are not really interested in me.

whyus, how many people are you dating?

Would you describe your appearance as attractive? Do you look nice when you go out? Is your weight under control? Do you wear attractive clothing? What about your hair?

Men are attracted to women who meet the ENs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and physical attractiveness.

Are you are good conversationalist? What do you talk about?

Thank you Melody. Yes, I read about emotional needs and the balance on the love bank and it is an interesting concept and it makes a lot of sense to me.

I checked Dr Harleys list of the most important emotional needs and thought about what I do:
Affection: I care about people in my life. When I get to know someone I care about them and ask them how they are, I try to help them if I can and I give them encouragement.
Sexual Fulfillment: Only in a committed relationship which I have not had for some time now.
Conversation: Of course, conversation is very important for me and I like to listen to the thoughts of others. Maybe I could be more personal than I am; I tend to be shy of intruding into the privacy of someone if he or she does not invite me.
Recreational Companionship: Very important to me, I don�t have to make an effort for that.
Honesty and Openness: I am generally an honest person; I don�t think I have any flaws here.
Physical Attractiveness: I am in good physical shape and I take care of myself. I always use light make-up, I fix my hair and I like nice clothes and some jewelry. For appropriate occasions I like to dress up to catch eyes
Financial Support: My economy is good.
Domestic Support: I have a beautiful home, I am good at cooking and baking and I take care of my belongings.
Family Commitment: Well, if there was one�
Admiration: I usually tell people what I like about them and I generally like people.

The only thing I feel I could really change is to give more compliments. When I give a compliment I really mean it. Many people spread compliments around them but I don�t feel honest if I do that. Maybe I could lower my threshold for when to give a compliment, still from honest appreciation of course.

Your divorce was final in December 2008. That's only 2 years. Give yourself a break. Don't listen to other people who say that this is time enough for you to "get over it" and find another man.

We all heal at our own pace. Since you are bringing up the subject, perhaps you are at that point where you'd be open to dating. Fine. Start slow. Look for men to engage in conversation at work, at church, in the grocery store. Join a gym. Enroll in a class. Get out and meet new people -- both men and women. You never know if a friend has a brother or cousin who will be interested in meeting you.

Don't get down on yourself that your WH left you. Look at Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, Eva Longoria. What were their Hs thinking??? Tiger Woods, Kelsey Grammer, John Edwards and many more -- all idiots!!!

We hurt because we loved them. They betrayed us. We may not ever be willing to trust again thanks to the affair. Just remember that time is your friend and to be kind to yourself.

Oh -- and watch the Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo. She has some good pointers about dating. But heck -- what do I know? It's been over 30 years since I've dated and I'm not looking forward to doing it again.

You know, maybe you just aren't dating enough of the right guys. It sounds like you are astute enough to understand what creates an attraction, so maybe it is just a matter of getting the right audience.

One of my coworkers when through this once after his divorce. He went on a few dates only to quickly discover knock out factors such as smoker or non-Catholic. So he put his profile on match.com and started dating ALOT of women. He had some very nice ladies respond, a lot of teachers, professionals. He married a nice art teacher about 3 years and is very happy today. If I were in the dating world, that is the route I would take because people who own computers tend to be better educated and have more money.

Also, you dating ladies MUST READ "The Rules!!!" This book is awesome.

It has just very simple basic rules of dating that our southern momma's always taught us. [in the olden days this was known as common sense] They are rules that raise your value when dating versus these younger gals that cheapen themselves by putting out for free!

During the last two years I have dated so many men that I have not really kept the count. I would say in average two per month and many more that I have talked to over the internet. Besides that I meet men all the time through work and friends and activities. Of these men I have been attracted to one or two and they have not been interested in me. I guess that I�m picky.

Yes, I think that my appearance is attractive. I don�t have any weight problems, I do aerobics 2-3 times every week and I would describe my body as quite attractive. I like nice clothes and use light make-up (foundation, blush and some mascara). My hair is long and blonde (natural) but I know that I could go to the hairdresser more often.

I like to talk about almost everything. I am generally interested in other people and like to talk about different topics except for lengthy discussions about illness, computers and car engines.

I realize that I don't date a lot of men and lately I have been to disillusioned to date anyone at all. But I have basically dated all the men on the dating sites around my home town who are even close to my idea of an interesting partner and also the men I have met in real life who have been interesting. If I'm going to date more men I have to move to another location.

Thank you Holyheart for the reminder and the encouragement.

I think that I would not feel so bad about xWH betraying me if I had met another great guy. Than I could feel that xWH is a useless idiot who did not understand what he was throwing away, i.e. the problem was him and not me. But when no one is really attracted to me I start to feel that it is me after all.

That's great. I appologize if I came accross as patronizing or ....... can't find the word. Anyway, I must have mis-read your initial post and I took it as you not being happy with yourself.

You sound like a really great person and I have no idea what may be preventing a new 'love connection'. What do YOU think it may be, outside of compliments? Do you smile often and appear happy? I know you said you are happy, but do you 'look' happy and are you fun to be around, or are you very quiet and reserved when out with friends/dates? Is it possible you may be comparing your dates to your ex at least subconsciously or something?

I will slip into the background and let these fine folks help. I really do wish you well though.

What do you call someone that charges?

Sometimes I can't hold back my crazy sense of humor

Hello Why....:-)

I think the way you feel is very very normal. You do come across as a beautiful smart woman!

My wife and I are getting along well and she gives me plenty of positive attention but.....I still go through periods of low self esteem. I tend to question my attractiveness, personality and even scent thinking that she would not have gone astray unless there was something about me that pushed her away. I find myself wanting to flirt with other women to give my self esteem a boost when they respond. Don't worry I'm not out hunting for my own affair but I have learned some things through my internal investigations regarding this. Just like you I have found myself getting down on myself thinking the only women I find interesting are not interested in me. Part of my point here is that I think this is a normal aspect of being in the dating scene. I'm certain it would be much more difficult for me if I were alone like you.

If I may offer my humble advice, I suggest you continue to date but focus on yourself. I don't mean to be selfish to your date. I mean for you to please your date but also enjoy your independence. Do what you want to do! Kiss him if you want to. when you want to. Take him somewhere you want to go. Let him open the door for you or you open the door for him. This is your life. Oh, and go places by yourself. Go on vacation by yourself. You can learn a lot about yourself and what you like and don't like this way. I am sure you will find love again but, until then have some fun!

CK

I've been told that the best time to truly date is when you're happy with aloneness.

You may be coming off as desperate to be with someone to these men. Or it may be very obvious that you're still mourning.

Healing takes time. You may love yourself, but you're not comfortable with being alone. THAT is very important.

You need to get to a point where you feel, not tell yourself, but actually feel, "If I meet someone, great. If not, I'll be fine too."

I dove into dating too soon after my D. This really takes time.

The best thing that happened to me was that I fell hard for a woman that was completely unavailable. So there was no dating anyone.

That crush served as a break from dating, which is exactly what I needed.

It helped me to see this woman was a real Debbie Downer, mainly because she was trying to heal as well from her own divorce.

Negativity is a real turnoff and she simply couldn't shake her past. She was divorced with no kids as well and had very many of the same feelings you describe. She strikes me as still feeling this way about life and love.

I got over my crush over her and it was a wonderful moment. I literally got tired of waiting for her in the hopes that she'd wake up and shake off the blues. I took on the attitude of, "if I meet someone, great. If not, that's fine too."

I stayed alone for a little while.

It wasn't until then that I decided to give dating another shot.

I met my new wife right after. I'm sooooo glad that Debbie Downer never did like me or was with me simply to be with someone.

You had no kids with your ex. All you've really lost is time. Embrace life first. Love will come later.

Just another thought:

Be picky. Set certain criteria and don't settle.

That means that certain things have to be set in stone and must primarily be non physical appearance things.

Weight can be lost. Crazyness can't.

Ok. Been there dun that and have about ten tshirts.

I suggest you first join a divorce recovery group at a church. They are friends, tight knit, and will support you and help you on this journey of recovery.

My second suggestion (I did all of this) is to plan A yourself. That means, show love, do things that make you happy, be around those who make you happy, and slowly move out of your comfort zone.

Third, heal. Cry. Do like that book. Love, pray, eat (and travel). I did all of this. I got to where I loved being alone and away from the wayward crazy all the time. My home became my sanctuary, and I loved having my son and our new life, all crazy-ws-free.

I began dating about 2 to 3 years after divorce. I like you, had gone on a few dates that first year and it was horrible. I wasn't ready. I wasn't healed. And sadly I hurt a few guys' feelings b/c I wasn't ready to date.

Btw, I got married this summer to my sweetie, and he is THE right one for me. We have HNHN and although things are great, we are affair-proofing our M and want to as a goal of our M, to remain connected and happy.

That's the secret to get where I am now. YOU are an investment. YOU plan A yourself. YOU seek out others who are on this journey too, new friendships (not dating) and focus on healing.

Fwiw, knowing I did the MB plan and that I did all I could have done in my former m, gave me the peace of mind and closure to have a full recovery, and trust me, my ex, Darth, was one of the baddest baddies ever here. I gained my life back and more. You will too, but don't afraid to plan A you and be selfish seeking that healing ok? Happy holidays & best wishes!

Great advice Peachy!

Also very inspirational. Congrats on your marriage and may you and those around you have many blessed days ahead!


CK

Wow, did this thread ever come across at a great time for me to read, Thank you all for the great advice to Why; it has helped me to re-think my own path.