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#245169 02/06/04 01:31 PM
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more than 1 family member has mentioned that my H was "p-whipped"....
and i took as a compliment....kind of felt like i was doing my job well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

but, i sure don't think my H liked hearing it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

#245170 02/06/04 01:50 PM
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Hi nelly...
Isnt Jessica great... $1200 bed sheets, she's my hero!

The term is used for any guy who looks like he's been controlled and bossed around by a chick.

Whether it's because he's getting some and it's good, or just the promise of some... and for some poor souls, just the HOPE of a promise for some <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> - Dru

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 06:22 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

#245171 02/06/04 01:55 PM
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thanks Dru.......
i get it now. well, no wonder my H seemed annoyed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
i have always been a little slow when it comes to this stuff.

#245172 02/06/04 02:01 PM
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Originally posted by nelly
Not that my husband liked hearing it.

Funny, I always told Mrs. Hold that I have no problem with being as whipped as she wants me to be as long as she provides a commensurate helping of *****.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Drucilla:
<strong>and for some poor suckers, just the HOPE of a promise for some <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> - Dru </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for rubbing in the sucker part. Nothing like trying to do what is best for one's children, and uphold one's vows, and be described as a sucker.

Of course, you are correct. Most of us in this situation are suckers. In that we were duped. If not by women intentionally misleading us. Then by women who were misleading themselves. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

#245173 02/06/04 02:20 PM
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HOTI,
You're only p-whipped if you are still running about saying... '(snivel) mmmm yes, dear' and and saying 'how high?' when she says JUMP.

A strong man taking care of his family would hardly qualify.

I was joking, but that was insensitive. I'm sorry. Want me to delete? - Dru

#245174 02/06/04 02:29 PM
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Only on MB can you find a discussion of the true meaning of the term *****whipped. This really is funny.

Unfortunately, I have had to keep my mouth shut most of the time to keep the peace. However, now she is regularly verbally abusing at me at night, and this affects my ability to earn a living because I cannot sleep. I have moved out of the bedroom and if this does not help, the next step will be getting an apartment. If she still does not stop the abuse, the final step will be a divorce.

#245175 02/06/04 02:44 PM
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John--

Just saw your name and thought I'd say hi. Sorry things are not better. OTOH, maybe this is time to head that way.

Anyhow, it is nice to see you...

Kathi

#245176 02/06/04 02:48 PM
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John, what can you do but listen to this:

http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/

#245177 02/06/04 04:06 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Drucilla:
<strong>You're only p-whipped if you are still running about saying... '(snivel) mmmm yes, dear' and and saying 'how high?' when she says JUMP.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, this is what cerri is teaching me to do. To say "no thank you, I do not feel like jumping today" when Mrs. Hold says JUMP.

#245178 02/06/04 06:17 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by holdingontoit:
<strong> Originally posted by nelly
Not that my husband liked hearing it.

Funny, I always told Mrs. Hold that I have no problem with being as whipped as she wants me to be as long as she provides a commensurate helping of *****.

*removed sucker quote*

Thanks for rubbing in the sucker part. Nothing like trying to do what is best for one's children, and uphold one's vows, and be described as a sucker.

Of course, you are correct. Most of us in this situation are suckers. In that we were duped. If not by women intentionally misleading us. Then by women who were misleading themselves. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is a negative mentality to think of it as "sucker." That's is just a lame excuse of "victim."

I think a rather more realistic thinking is that YOU chose to stay in the M because of YOUR own reasons whether they are from your values and beliefs, or even weakness.

Hold, YOU still have the choice, and only YOU can determine whether it's time to change YOUR choice.


Anyway, I'm not a 2 year poster (April 2002).

Summary:
I wanted more "passion" in M than "content."
I thought I needed more SF.
I read and learned and practiced MB concepts.
I changed ME, in handling resentment and withdrawal.
I finally was ready to share, "I love you, but not in love anymore" without LB, just pure RH.
I regret to "say" D is possible.
We're more intimate nowadays.
Unfortunately for me, I've change to believe that I'll not "fall in love" again. Or perhaps to fall back in love knowing the pain I felt back then.
I guess I choose to settle for "content" although there's more SF today then back in April 2002.

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: JM_May1986 ]</small>

#245179 02/06/04 06:25 PM
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I'm sorry. I changed it. Please, everyone who quoted me, please send me your passwords so I can correct them all... - Dru

#245180 02/06/04 06:27 PM
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baba... you are BAD!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

#245181 02/07/04 05:35 AM
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I joined in December of 1999, but spent probably at least 12 hours a day reading here a few months before that. I found MB about a week after Dday#1. I guess all that qualifies me as a long-time member........

Anyway, YES I am still married to my husband. And YES, there have been improvements in many ways. My husband is a better person and a much better husband than he was before.

In fact, we have both changed a lot. I don't see it, but he tells me I am a better wife than I was before, but I think I am probably not as good due to my changed feelings for him. I think he just appreciates me more since he spends so much time really trying to be a better husband!

MB had a lot to do with it, but the best thing that happened to us was my husband's IC. He still occasionally does follow-ups with her. She had been betrayed by a former husband, and really did much to open his eyes to the realities of infidelity.

It is hard to say judge whether our marriage is better than before the affair. I would say NO, but my husband disagrees. Perhaps our relationship is better, but I'm not.

Peppermint

<small>[ February 07, 2004, 05:38 AM: Message edited by: peppermint ]</small>

#245182 02/07/04 07:55 AM
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Now the real point is is up front, feeling like a sucker is taking a victim stance, and I agree it is. But I would also bet, (and win), that there is not anybody on this board that hasn't felt that.

Now to the choice's, I started reading MB over 2 year's ago, and I do believe in the MB principle's, I applied them for 6 mnth's before I posted my first post.

There were numerous moment's when my W looked at me with the look of "who is this guy"? But my W has chosen to only apply what she is cappable, and she has done a fantastic job of it.

At one point I had made the decission to move to divorce, because it was very clear to me that my W did not want to be married to me anymore. But when I put separation out front, I was met with resistance, and that stumped me, she doesn't want a divorce, but then what does she want?

So I headed into IC, and then my W went into IC and I learned of abuse, one heck of a ride began.

We are now set to move and our life is taking a major change in direction, I know my W want's these change's to happen, because there is no way I could ever make my W change, only she can.

Will there alway's be a choice? Yes, but with proper control's in place, I dont see the need to ever act apon them.

#245183 02/07/04 10:22 AM
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I havn't counted exactly. We've been around for several years though. We are still married and looking toward doing realty investing together and perhaps even working in our home together eventually...if of course we don't explode first.

well addiction I have and we both agree that we are workaholics so we try to work marriage builder stuff anyway, no reason we should let harley discourage us from trying. sometimes we win sometimes we lose. C'est la vie

#245184 02/07/04 11:22 PM
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I guess I qualify as an ancient P-whipped MB fossil. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hold, you know that constant struggle that I’ve been going thru.

Have you seen any improvement in your marriage?

Complex question for me. I’ve been married for 19 years. I lived in a cocoon for 15 of those years, meaning I never gave marital happiness that much thought, I just thought that this is just the way life was. Under some circumstances this might be a satisfactory way of life. What changed the temperament of my marriage was my increasing desire for something more and then with knowledge of MB caused a radical change in marital expectations. I get sex more, twice a week as compared to once a month in past years. W seems to have taken a slight edge off her LB’s. Other than that I’m still living with a W unable to adjust and cope. I still feel very alone and long for a solid and deep connection with a woman. So is this an improvement? Maybe, maybe not. I saw signs of improvement early on with MB but I don’t see much change or hope for change, but somehow I still convince myself that it will change and then experience disappoint over and over again. I guess you could call that some kind of self-torture.

John, like you, I’m not sure how things will be come the end of this year. I might be looking for a roommate, you interested in a 50/50 split?

Yes, still married to the same person, but a whole different marriage

OMG, Laura got her into swinging <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Take a break from the board for a bit and everything goes to pot.

So, we ended up very much in-love with each other, and very happy we stayed together.

How sweet. Sniff,sniff…. Pass the Kleenex <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

#245185 02/08/04 06:32 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Promised Forever:
<strong> Yes, still married to the same person, but a whole different marriage

OMG, Laura got her into swinging <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Take a break from the board for a bit and everything goes to pot.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mo-om! Scoot is STILL making fun of my posts!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Actually, I wouldn't hardly have recognized you if you weren't kidding around a bit. So, Scott, I've been waiting for your update. Did you decide not to go ahead with pressing for professional help?

Kathi

#245186 02/08/04 01:48 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kam6318:
<strong>So, Scott, I've been waiting for your update. Did you decide not to go ahead with pressing for professional help?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes Scott, do tell. Did you guys ever do the financial transaction that you planned to do near the end of the year? Did you give your wife the ultimatum you were thinking about? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

#245187 02/08/04 02:44 PM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JM_May1986:
<strong>I think that is a negative mentality to think of it as "sucker." That's is just a lame excuse of "victim."

I think a rather more realistic thinking is that YOU chose to stay in the M because of YOUR own reasons whether they are from your values and beliefs, or even weakness.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, but not all choices are created equally.

Think of buying a house with an undisclosed problem. It does make a difference what that problem is.

Suppose the problem is a leaky roof. You fix the roof. You now have a house with a good roof. No more leaks. Yes, you are out several thousand dollars for a new roof. But you eventually got what you wanted. The house you liked. Nice and dry and warm inside. In that case, I can understand how it would be tremendously counter-productive to spend the rest of your life complaining that you were a sucker who got duped into buying a house with a leaky roof.

On the other hand, suppose you buy a house with mold in the walls. You put a large amount down to be able to afford the monthly mortgage payments. It may well not be possible to remove the mold from the house. You can bulldoze the house. Or sell it for the land alone and let someone else bulldoze it. But then you have lost tens of thousands of dollars and likely cannot afford to buy another house. So you reluctantly live in the moldy house. Everyone in your family suffers from rspiratory ailments because of the mold. What are your choices? Sell the house at a loss and live in a small apartment? Live in the moldy house? Yes, you have choices. But no good choices.

We have friends in exactly this situation. They have spent $100,000 unsucessfully trying to get the mold out of their house. My cousin had to bulldoze her house because of mold. She lost a huge amount and now lives with her daughter in a small apartment. Neither our friends who stayed in their moldy house nor my cousin who moved out are happy. Both feel they were suckers who got duped into buying moldy houses.

I agree that thinking of yourself as a "sucker" doesn't help much. But sometimes it is in fact a true statement. You can console yourself that you are making the best of a bad situation. That does not necessarily change the reality that you are caught up in a bad situation.

With a moldy house, at least your anger is directed at the person who sold you he house without disclosing the mold. Hopefully, you never have to see that person again. When the person who "duped" you (or duped themselves) is your spouse, you are stuck dealing with that person every day.

I know I am making choices. That is what keeps me going. That I have chosen to stay with my wife. To uphold my vows. And for my children. I know I can change my mind at any time and leave. Not without consequences. But I can choose which set of consequences I prefer. And that is what enables me to function. The knowledge that I am consciously choosing to remain in an unhappy marriage. So that I have no one to blame for my unmet needs except myself.

But even knowling that I am making a choice to stay does not erase the knowledge that I was a "sucker" who foolishly made assumptions about what married life would be like. And who did not explore and investigate sufficiently before I got married. Marriage is the ultimate "buyer beware" event. And clearly I did not examine the merchandise carefully enough before pulling the trigger on this deal.

I know that crap happens. People get cancer. Or strokes. Or have accidents. They can wallow in self pity and be miserable. Or they can focus on the good things in their life and be happy. Clearly it is far better to choose to be happy than to choose to wallow. When I learn how to make that choice, I will happily share the good news with everyone here.

#245188 02/08/04 03:10 PM
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HOLD, I wish I knew what "pressure" or whatever would change around your marriage. I wish there was something.....some way.....for you.

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: baba2 ]</small>

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