I am struggling hard with it right now I thought I would see if anyone else has dealt with this, and what you found helpful.

I feel like my confidence in myself is shattered. I am drowning in a pit of self-loathing. I am past the anger and the bad feelings towards my H, but I cant get over them about myself.

Common thoughts in my head are-

"I are a failure as a wife or this would not have happened"
"I am worth less than a cheap ONS"
"He doesnt really love me"
"He isnt really attracted to me" that one is huge because he blamed the cheating on certain physical traits that cant be changed without surgery that we cant afford
"I am stupid, I didnt know what he was doing"

I define myself as he saw me in his fog. He told me these flaws over and over, and I think somewhere along the way that I started to believe it.


He is doing so well now, and he is caring and attentive and supportive. He seems honestly remorseful and tells me that I am the best thing in his life. I just hate myself so much that I cant see how it could be true. I am afraid to believe him because I didnt see what he was doing before and I believed his lies. I dont trust my own judgement.

Learning to love my H again was a piece of cake compared to learning to love myself again.

This whole experience changed my perspective of who I am. I never would have thought I would have stayed. I dont recognize the fearful ashamed person I have become. I dont even know who I am anymore.

The artice HHH posted about accepting us as we are now...I dont know how to accept who I am now. I want the happy confident fearless woman I used to be back.

I am afraid she is gone forever.

How do you learn to love yourself again?

Rising, bring us up to speed, please:

When was the A (I think it was a ONS, correct?)

Your WH is military, right? When does WH come home? Or IS he home yet?

Your posts go back quite a few months and cover different forums. Recapping everything will make it easier to respond, thanks!

RFA, I'm sorry you're here, and I'm sorry for the mind-messes that your FWH fed you.
But I will point out something that experience has demonstrated over and over again.

A WS in the fog, almost invariably KNOWS his behavior is heinous and reprehensible, that he is committing sins against his God, and offenses against his spouse, that cannot be truly justified. But - and here is the kicker - he attempts to assemble a paradigmatic construct that DOES justify the unjustifiable.

So here's the answers to his self-imposed contradictions he subconsciously wrestles with:

"I'm sneaking around, relying on her loving trust for me not to be discovered," gets changed to, "If she doen't know what I'm doing, she's stupid and inattentive."

"In the heat of affair-lust, stoked primarily by the alleviation of guilt by simple orgasmic release, I'm enjoying sex like I haven't recently," gets changed to "I never really loved her," and "It was her physical imperfections that prevented us from a more perfect union."

"I am proving to be without honor or integrity," becomes "My wife was the inadequate spouse, driving me to these things."

We recovering BS's (seemingly more prevalently the ones whose WS's had an EA component) have to first fill in the hole created by these imposed slurs, at the same time we're trying to rebuild the ediface of a strong, healthy new marriage. The strongest among us manage to do so. It often requires counselling.

I hope you fight through this.

Rising,

I'm so sorry that you still feel the things you do. I think you need to realize that what happened to your marriage on both sides happened, everyone involved in an affair spins their own stories to justify what they are doing, what your husband used as excuses was his way of turning the tables on you. It didn't have anything to do with you or what you don't have...........you are a wonderful person just the way you are...........he wouldn't still be there if that wasn't true...........
Now you need to work on forgiving yourself, we are all human and we all make mistakes along the way, our brains can justify anything if we let go of our boundaries...............you were weak for a moment, the real strength in someone is learning from our mistakes and living right afterwards.
We can't live perfectly and it's okay to make mistakes as long as we make things right and protect those we love in the future.........
You feel powerless right now, but you don't have to, each and every day you remember the girl you used to be and be her, don't worry about what anyone else thinks, I am going to guess the people closest to you miss that woman as well.........
You don't have to feel guilty about being happy, you have a choice here..........CHOOSE THE BEST YOU............it's time to start again and wipe the slate clean and move forward in a positive happy way............
I go through a lot of what you speak of as well and when a negative thought pops into my head, I stop and say to myself, I'm not going there and change what I'm doing and thinking to something enjoyable, something I know will bring a smile to my face...........I am choosing to be happy even though sometimes I don't feel it, sooner or later my feelings should catch up to my actions........
Try it every day, if you falter start again and again until you are the old you again..........
(hugs) jessi

NeverGuessed, I've done my share of book learnin' in my years, but I would love for you to explain this in more detail and plainer conversational language.

I'm not sure I agree with you, but I'd like to read a repost of this.

Sorry I should have put all that in the original post. H is in the military, not home yet but he should be very soon. We are just waiting on his orders now.

We got married right before he got stationed in Germany. He got heavily into drugs and alcohol pretty much immediately. In the first 4 months there was one prostitute, two ONS's with girls he went home with or brought home from the bar, and one girl that he knew that he knew from work that he brought home from a bar and then slept with again when he invited her to a party a few months later (that one he had feelings for). So 5 times with 4 different women in 4 months. Then there was another ONS a few weeks after our first anniversary, when I was seven months pregnant with DD.

I found out about 2 incidents when we had been married about 5 months, and the rest of it didnt come out till about a year later. After I caught him the first time was when he started justifying it with me not being good enough. I went through my entire prgnancy with DD listening to him tell me that it was the flaws in my body from having kids that had made him cheat. I cant begin to describe how much that hurt and scared me.

He used that to justify lying to me about the infidelity, lying to me about the drinking and the drug use. Every time he drank or got high he knew that he was taking the risk of cheating, and he had to twist it in his mind that it wasnt him or the addictions, that it was me.

I tried harder and harder, and he just raised the bar higher and higher.

Once the whole truth came out and I got him into treatment for the addictions things got better. He acts now, and treats me now, like I am the best thing in his life. He has apologized many times for the things he said and did to me.

He says it was the guilt, and justification. In my mind I believe him, and I know that it makes sense. I just cant accept it. I see nothing but flaws when I look at myself.

I am afraid to believe the things he says now. He isnt the problem anymore. It's me, because I cant see myself any way but the way he told me I was for such a long time, even though he doesnt believe that stuff anymore.

Anytime I fall short of perfect I panic. If the house isnt clean or one of the kids is acting up. It's a major disaster to me, and I get scared. Before, things would be going good for us, and he would go out, or do something else that he knew would be hurtful to me and start picking fights to make me look bad and get rid of the guilt. I never knew what little flaw was going to set him off.

The only exception to that is trying to look nice, which I have given up on. I buy pretty clothes and they hang in the closet. I wont wear anything that actually fits, because then people would be able to see what my body looks like, which I find humiliating. I'm not really over weight or anything, I just do anything I can to hide my chest, since that was his issue.

I know I am not being rational. When we are together we have SF often, almost entirely initiated by him, which I doubt would be the case if he wasnt attracted to me, but after everything he said to me I still feel like he loves me more like he would love a sister than the way you love your wife. I look at myself and think there is nothing to be attracted to.

I dont like feeling this way about myself, and I dont know how to fix it.

Shot in the dark; where do you list admiration on your emotional needs?

What is your H doing to meet this need?

Where do you list affection? How does your H do at meeting your need for affection?

Those two needs being met properly should be decent confidence builders.

Outside of that, you have been facing some life-changing grief. This is exacerbated by a lack of control - you can't control your H, or his views, or his actions.

You can control you.

You can get your "hair done, nails done, e'rything did." Treat yourself a bit. Try a new hair color, new makeup, a slightly different style of dress.

You can also choose to focus some of your anguish into exercising more, and eating better. The added benefit here is that if you improve your energy levels, you will improve your mood.

Hang tight, RFA.

OK, I cross posted and missed some of the advice I was given earlier, but I have read through it all now. I am going to try it. I made myself get up and get dressed in clothes that fit, put make-up on, and I am going to get my hair cut.

As for exercise, I've taken up belly dancing because it's calm and relaxing, but I think I need something to get the endorphins flowing more. I am going to get some vitamin B while I am out too, or maybe just a good multi-vitamin, I think they have them that they say boost mood or energy.

I'm going to try and stop the negative self-talk. Maybe I should make a list of things that I do like about myself and read it every morning. I can ask H to help me, so I can focus on the things that he does like, instead of what he said he didnt.

I have to figure out some ways to get the old me back. I dont want this experience to take that away from me too. I want to keep the good changes I have made, but I want my joy in life back, my willingness to take risks and have fun.

I am withering away in the cage of fear I built for myself, and it has to stop. Even if living in fear actually could get my H to be faithful, would it really be worth it if it means I lose myself?

I have to let go of the illusion of control, I can do my best and keep my side of the street clean, and the rest is on him. I am just going to try and enjoy today. Then wake up and do the same thing tomorrow.

Normally admiration wouldnt be a top 5 for me, but after all the time he spent tearing me down...for now I think it is, because I need him to help me feel like he sees me as being ok. Not perfect, but at least ok.

Soory, MB, if my prose was a bit too entangling.

I was using an analogy to illustrate what I have found to be the two (occasionally conflicting) activities that BS's are likely to endeavor to achieve.

Let's assume the pre-A marriage of the couple looks like this:


Now to some folks, this might be great, but given the upcoming events, it wasn't sufficiently supportive for this couple.

Now the A occurs, is discovered, and the couple decides to reconcile. What they envision building together might be represented as so:



Sturdy, well founded, a monument to their marriage, but also conveying to outsiders that this is private, for them alone.

Sadly, one of the by-products of the A and its aftermath is that their starting-point for their ediface looks like this:


They usually have extensive repair tasks before getting seriously into building their new marriage.

RFA, has been deposited into this pit, it seems, as many others have been.

This makes perfect sense to me. I have often thought that having an A is like deciding you dont like how your kitchen looks and setting a bomb off in it. Now you have to clear out all the damage just to get back to what it looked like before...and thats before you can do anything about improvement. Would have been a lot easier to just start with what you had before the bomb went off.

Awwwww, jeeeez, you said in eighteen words what it took me dozens (plus three illustrations) to state.

Yeah, but the pictures sure were purty.

There were a few things that I realized early on that have allowed me to push forward;

- no matter what kind of spouse I was, I in no way deserved the abuse of infidelity.

- no matter what happens going forward from here, I know who I am, what I am capable of, and that I can be a loving, supporting spouse.

- no matter what happens going forward, I can be a strong, supportive father for my daughters (I wouldn't suggest FWW try to put "baby mama drama" on me in the event of divorce).

- I am a handsome devil.

- I am a thoughtful and giving lover.

Do I fear continued infidelity? No. I dealt with it once while we were dating, and forgave it. I am now dealing with it in our marriage. Last chance.

Got my vitamins and stuff to make my hair pretty, got dressed again today. I havent had any pop today, I am switching to water, which always makes me feel better even if doesnt taste very good at first.

My H made his list of stuff he likes about me. It was very sweet. I havent started mine yet, it seems like a pretty overwhelming thing to think about. Maybe I will give it a few days and see if the vitamin B kicks in and helps my mood out some.

Till then I think that in addition to trying to look better and take better care of myself I am going to set a goal to do one fearless thing every day. Even just a little thing like being the one to say "I love you" first instead of waiting for him to say it.

HHH does knowing that NGB is on her last chance make you feel better? How does that make you less afraid?

See my previous post.

The first thing I did was accept that I could be happy without her in my life. It sounds so horrible when you considering that I'm working on recovering the marriage; but living without her would be the response to any further infidelity. Pretty much as Dr. Harley stated; "I will never see or talk to her again."

If any of the actions she committed, against me, are repeated, I will treat her like a cancerous tumor, and excise her from my life.

I love the woman, but this was a horrible, disgusting, and selfish act, and I simply will not tolerate it. It's hard enough tolerating that it happened at all to begin with.

Would it hurt? Sure, but I won't be caught totally off guard again. She has proven she what she is capable of, so I wouldn't be surprised.

Not to mention, implementing MB, the excuse of ignorance is no longer viable - and so long as I keep my side of the street clean, that is no longer a viable excuse. No excuse is enough, but there are none left from this point forward.

It's a boundary.

I also will accept nothing less than a loving, romantic marriage based on complete Openness and Honesty.

I've stated it clearly; None of the actions involved in or leading to your A are OK with me. Some of these things included female work friends that were not involved or aware of the A, but who encouraged IB and other disrespectful behaviors which lead into the A.

It's all about clear boundaries, and communicating them clearly and respectfully.

As stated; "Boundaries are your castle walls, and there to protect you."

I suck at boundaries. I've never been able to understand the concept, though many people have tried.

Knowing I am done if he messes up again doesnt make me less afraid. Reguardless of what I do after, it is still going to hurt.

My mom said sort of the same thing with one of my step-fathers. "I'll leave if he hits me again. We have the money to go and he is doing anger management..."

None of that protected her from the pain of having her jaw broken in two places, and she didnt leave because she wasnt strong enough to live alone.

I guess its one of those things that provides comfort to others, it just doesnt really work for me at this point. I'm not there yet. It doesnt protect me from the pain itself, which is what I am afraid of. I am afraid of being humiliated and betrayed again and that it will destroy me before I even get the chance to live without him. I think I have to fix that first.

Everybody has heard the stories of people who were raped or beaten up etc that wont go outside anymore. Thats kinda what this feels like to me. You realize that you have no control over other people and that they can hurt you, and you get afraid.

So every day I am going to do one small fearless thing, and take one step outside. Just one thing to make me a better mother, better wife...a stronger person that loves herself again. I dont know how else to get over it, but a little bit at a time.

Step one in building my castle wall is being strong enough to know that I can live through the pain, then I can work on being strong enough to leave if I need to.

Actually if I am doing everything I can do...and he still messes up...it would feel more like it was more his loss than mine. He would be the broken one, and I would deserve better than that. So really it wouldnt hurt so much. It would be his failure, not mine, and I wouldnt need to feel bad about that. Accepting that is a big part of Step One.

Thanks, you are the first person that has actually been able to help me even come close to understanding this.

I couldnt get it before because leaving just seems beyond me, its hard to think about what to do after the pain, if you dont know how you are even going to deal with it long enough to make it that far.

You aren't alone. There are only so many areas in which I am good at defining them. Some other folks around here are like boundary sharpshooters - they can hit a boundary dead-center from 3000 yards.



How knowing that you are done if he messes up again provides relief from this fear; you know exactly what you will do, you have a plan. This is your battle line.


My oldest sister is on her 4th marriage - she was bad at that living alone stuff. At one point, the man she was looking for was the man that could take care of her children so she could commit suicide. Luckily, she never found that man.

I see a lot of it in FWW - the difference is my BIL fell into a bad marriage and drugs after my sister left him, so he was no longer a part of his children's lives. Not gonna be me.

Part of my plan early on was to shore FWW up and strengthen her independence... and leave. Though, I've always believed in fostering her strength, as life is weird. I could die after I post this of a sudden heart attack. I don't want my children doing the step-father shuffle.




It doesn't protect me from the pain of the past and present, it protects me from fear of additional pain in the future. Again, it's not that it won't hurt, it's just that I won't be surprised. I still check her phone, FB (only family on there any more) and the phone records weekly. She calls me on each work break, and I have lunch with her every day that I can.


Or some people start packing a gun. Some people gather strength rather than fear. Some people refuse to be the victim, ever again.


Awesome!


Two separate issues; one is past and present, one is future. Divide and address them as such, and it will be easier to deal with.

Actually if I am doing everything I can do...and he still
BINGO!

Whatever we did on our side of the street, we didn't step outside of the marriage. That was their decision. It is their failure to be honest, thoughtful, and basically moral people. Especially after a) they fully know they are capable (no more "I would never" denial fantasy), and b) what it does to their spouse - they have absolutely no more illusions left to even attempt to defend or justify a repeat of the crime.


Thanks. I'm flattered.

I'm probably behind you timeline-wise RFA... and I will continually insist that I am no model-BS. I don't think anyone is, however. We can try, but it's hard to be heroic when you are still bleeding all over the floor, you know?

This is a huge part of my fear of leaving the M. My mom has been married six times, I did a lot of the shuffle. I can prevent that on my side by not getting married again until my kids are grown, but I cant control my H, or who he decides to be married to and have my babies around. To me staying at least gives me some control over that. I dont want my kids to grow up the way I did, and I have the thought that even a bad M between their parents is better than the shuffle. I dont want a bad M, and I am trying to make it a good one, but this is part of my mental struggle over the idea of being able to leave.


Just for the purpose of clarity, I did step outside the M. When he first left, and was cheating all the time, I cried on the shoulder of one of my guy friends. He was meeting needs (conversation and affection) that my H wasnt. I never said anything to OM about it, but the feelings I had towards him became inappropriate. My H feels like those feelings were a betrayal even though I never said anything to OM about it, and my H is the one that defines what a betrayal is. So I had a four month EA, that hurt my H.

And when the whole big ugly picture of his infidelity started coming out, and he was playing the trickle truth game with me, I had a revenge ONS. I decided that hurting him back would make me feel better, which of course it didn't.

I dont exactly have the moral high ground.

Eeek! Foot-in-mouth smiley incoming!

Ok, so you don't have the moral high-ground. That doesn't mean that you can't stake your boundaries. It doesn't justify him furthering the cycle, does it?

So, as both WS and BS you get to know two things; what you will never repeat again yourself, and what you're willing to accept or not accept moving forward.

No need in your case for a foot in mouth smiley, (though I need one quite often), I post primarily as a BS. I did so at first because when I first came here I was not aware that the first incident even qualified as infidelity, so I believed I was ONLY a BS.

I do so now because when I had my revenge ONS, I was well aware of my boundaries, and I chose to ignore them. I had both feet in hell and I was taking my H down with me, even though I was aware that I was sacrificing a piece of my soul to do it. I was enraged enough to hurt myself to hurt him.

So the usual things that are advised to make a BS feel safe dont make my H feel safe. When I asked him if there was anything that would help him feel safe he told me that what he needed was for me to heal from what he did. He feels safe when I am happy in the M (or at least when I am not hurting from what he did), so I come here and post to try and heal, because healing me heals him too.

So I'm still here, trying to crawl out of the hole and pulling him along behind me.