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Originally Posted by barbiecat
My only concern is that we have a current poster, who's WH took out a $150,000 credit line (against the marital home) and gave it to the OW.
WOW!
Sad thing is he can't do this to me. We really don't have anything left. I can't seem to get the ones that love us to wrap their heads around that. Family members tell me to protect the savings, save the house. The house is upside down and there IS no savings. He cashed in the only stocks we have left. The only thing that I can try to get frozen is his retirement money. I am not sure if/how I can do that. Yes, I know call a lawyer asap. I can at least wrap my head around him doing this to me but the fact that he really doesn't believe this effects the kids is incomprehensible.


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Keep him on a very short rope.
Do you know where I can get a deal on a short choke collar?


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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Originally Posted by barbiecat
What are your support people telling you?
barbiecat,
I am still wondering what you meant by this question? They are asking me what to do and what to say.


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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Posts: 618
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Oh, and one of my close friends works for a company that manages huge apartment complexes. She could e-mail him. I am not responsible for what she says though!

Yes she knows.


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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hi LGLG. your H is not your H. he is some effing alien whose head is in his culo (Scarface = rear end). he is trying to cake eat. he is "helping" and stil doing his married living single bit. time to put up or shut up WH. [censored] or get off the pot. i am not as experienced as some of the other posters, but you are doing great. this can be VERY confusing to deal with i know. easy to post about, read about (someone else's experiences) but having to live it? wow.

plan A, plan B. that's it. if need be, plan D. while you are doing the 1st, think about the 2nd. for all intents and purposes your H has not been living up to his end of the bargain. he is not employed is he? he in engaging in stupid, poorly thought out behavior playing everyone at risk.

his family is just that. HIS family. it is good that they support you on a level but as a poster said above they are having some difficulty teasing thru the BS. it will gel in time. it will make a difference but maybe not now. you have planted your seeds. you are doing a great job under very trying circumstances.

think plan B and what you need to do to implement it. plan D too. what would that take. tough love. no more codependency. your H needs to be the man he thinks he is. dont know if he ever considered himself a man of honor. most guys fancy themselves as being "good guys" or men of honor. your H? right now, nothing could be further from the truth. you are an angel. remember it is HE that is the problem.

following the right course can be hard @ times but it is within you. smile

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Originally Posted by savemymarr
hi LGLG. your H is not your H. he is some effing alien whose head is in his culo (Scarface = rear end). he is trying to cake eat. he is "helping" and stil doing his married living single bit. time to put up or shut up WH. [censored] or get off the pot. i am not as experienced as some of the other posters, but you are doing great. this can be VERY confusing to deal with i know. easy to post about, read about (someone else's experiences) but having to live it? wow
Oh, believe me, I know my husband is gone and WH is here. I also know I may never see my husband again. I hear you about the pot. Used that one a few times in talking to people. That and put up or shut up�. And get out!

Originally Posted by savemymarr
plan A, plan B. that's it. if need be, plan D. while you are doing the 1st, think about the 2nd. for all intents and purposes your H has not been living up to his end of the bargain. he is not employed is he? he in engaging in stupid, poorly thought out behavior playing everyone at risk.
I agree about the plans. I am not messing around. I have to talk to him. Make solid plans and execute them whether he likes them or not. If he stalls or balks about moving out I will remind him of the deadline and if he hasn�t found a place he likes he will have to find somewhere to live temporarily. If need be I will have him served. I don�t give a flighing [censored] if he calls me every name in the book. Anyone who actually believes what he says is not someone that I care about anyways.

Originally Posted by savemymarr
his family is just that. HIS family. it is good that they support you on a level but as a poster said above they are having some difficulty teasing thru the BS. it will gel in time. it will make a difference but maybe not now. you have planted your seeds. you are doing a great job under very trying circumstances.

It is already gelling with them. His mom was a little confused after talking to him. He was planting the seeds months in advance. I think her gut was telling her one thing and after he LIED to her she started questioning her gut a little. Now she knows her gut was right. They are a little torn because they believe me. So now they are left with a family member doing something so horrific to someone they love dearly, me. They were all worried I was going to leave the family. They understood I had every right to but they love me. I told them although there will be some major changes I will still keep contact with the family. That was a relief to them all. My SIL that I talked to first a long time ago actually started sobbing on the phone when I told her she will always be my sister. They will, that I know. I just won�t be around at family functions were he will be present. I have also made it clear that if I go into Plan B I am not to hear anything about him and he me. They all understand that.

Originally Posted by savemymarr
think plan B and what you need to do to implement it. plan D too. what would that take. tough love. no more codependency.
Working on both plans right now!
You have me at codependency. I take ownership of that one. I didn�t realize I was doing it but I did and I am done doing it.


Originally Posted by savemymarr
your H needs to be the man he thinks he is. dont know if he ever considered himself a man of honor
Yes he did and he was many years ago. When I think back it is mind blowing. If someone told him this is where he would be in the future he would have told them they were nuts. His moral, ethical, spiritual and financial beliefs and values have been lowered over the years but more so over the past 2-3 years and plummeted the last 3-6 months.

Originally Posted by savemymarr
you are an angel
I spit my coffee out on this one. He has said to me before (when he obviously has issues with himself so he has to take me down a few) �Everyone thinks you are so perfect. They don�t know you the way I do.�
Thanks for the laugh!


Originally Posted by savemymarr
remember it is HE that is the problem. following the right course can be hard @ times but it is within you. smile
Oh, he has been blame shifting me for years convincing me it was me not him but believe me I KNOW he is the problem. I�m on the road now, and I know I can do it. Thanks for the encouragement.


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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LGLG, I think that where you are having the problem with all of this is, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR WH WANTS. You see, what you need to do is Plan A your WH until, let's say, the 1st. That will be your Plan B date. Up until then, you make home nice and pleasant and you plan for YOUR finances and visitations for YOUR children. Write out your Plan B letter. Have an addendum about finances and visitations and file for LS if need be. Get your IM set up. Go DARK.

DON'T figure out WHERE your WH will and will not live, it's not up to you. He can live in his car, live at his parent's, heck he can live in a cardboard box for all you care.

It is out of your control and you will no longer have any say in HIS life. He needs to take care of himself. What you need to do is remove YOU and YOUR CHILDREN from his life. He needs to change his current path before he can come home to you.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I thought your husband purchased a condo? Can't he live there?

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Do you have copies of all the bank account statements so you know what he (and you) have in there now and before?

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Where is this condo. Ask him to sell it and give you the money. Or go live there himself and get OUT.

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Originally Posted by Scotland
LGLG, I think that where you are having the problem with all of this is, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR WH WANTS. You see, what you need to do is Plan A your WH until, let's say, the 1st. That will be your Plan B date. Up until then, you make home nice and pleasant and you plan for YOUR finances and visitations for YOUR children. Write out your Plan B letter. Have an addendum about finances and visitations and file for LS if need be. Get your IM set up. Go DARK.

DON'T figure out WHERE your WH will and will not live, it's not up to you. He can live in his car, live at his parent's, heck he can live in a cardboard box for all you care.

It is out of your control and you will no longer have any say in HIS life. He needs to take care of himself. What you need to do is remove YOU and YOUR CHILDREN from his life. He needs to change his current path before he can come home to you.
I understand it doesn't matter what he wants. He isn't going to get it. The reason I wanted to talk to him is clarification on what direction he is (or thinks he is) headed. Because of the crap he pulled on Monday I want to know I have it clear in my head. He may be thinking he has decided to stay and he is doing what is required of him. I want to talk to him to help ME not for him. Does that make sense?


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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Originally Posted by Bubbles4U
I thought your husband purchased a condo? Can't he live there?
I thought I addressed the condo. Financing didn't go through. A letter came in the mail and I opened it. blush


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 618
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Originally Posted by Bubbles4U
Do you have copies of all the bank account statements so you know what he (and you) have in there now and before?
I am printing them out for the last few months and following the money trail. I also am checking all paperwork. I wish I could find out what is in his checking account but I don't have access to it. I could ask Nephew to call as WH but that is unethical and I think that is too much to ask of him.


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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Originally Posted by Scotland
LGLG, I think that where you are having the problem with all of this is, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR WH WANTS. You see, what you need to do is Plan A your WH until, let's say, the 1st. That will be your Plan B date. Up until then, you make home nice and pleasant and you plan for YOUR finances and visitations for YOUR children. Write out your Plan B letter. Have an addendum about finances and visitations and file for LS if need be. Get your IM set up. Go DARK.
Ok scotland you can stop banging your head on the desk. Sometimes I need to think for a while and process things. I have been working on these things. Guess what the date is? Feb. 1st. While I was doing my thinking a lot of things were running through my head. I usually go through a list of things I want to say to him and have to process it before I get why I can't. I guess I'm a thinker.

I did say something to him a little while ago. I went in the FL room to look for something. I didn't realize WH was in there. I casually said something like "Hey, I don't know where you are with your plans. I just wanted to let you know my parents are coming in on the first. I'm sure you don't want to be here when they get here." Then I left the room. Some may think that was not a good move. I didn't say it to warn him of my date, I guess it may have been a warning fire LB across his bow. As an added bonus it felt GOOD!


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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You are thinking of being waaaaaaay too helpful for WH. wink You don't help him move out or figure out what he's going to do. The two things you may do for him involving moving out while still in Plan A are:

1. If need be, if he absolutely won't do it, pack his things in boxes and set them out front when it's time for him to leave.
2. Let him know how much money you expect from him each month once he is gone, so he has an idea how itty bitty bittle he has left to live on. HOW he lives on what's left really isn't your problem. So he lives in a cardboard box? Supervised visitation with a family member who has a home.

That's the extent of your concern - letting him go, and refusing to let the kids stay with him in their own little cardboard boxes.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted by Neak
You are thinking of being waaaaaaay too helpful for WH. wink You don't help him move out or figure out what he's going to do. The two things you may do for him involving moving out while still in Plan A are:

1. If need be, if he absolutely won't do it, pack his things in boxes and set them out front when it's time for him to leave.
2. Let him know how much money you expect from him each month once he is gone, so he has an idea how itty bitty bittle he has left to live on. HOW he lives on what's left really isn't your problem. So he lives in a cardboard box? Supervised visitation with a family member who has a home.

That's the extent of your concern - letting him go, and refusing to let the kids stay with him in their own little cardboard boxes.
Neak,
I got it Neak. I have been going about my business and planning. Last night I went out with 2 of the kids to hang out down town with their friends from church. It is like a festival they have every 3rd Friday. I walked around with the adults and the kids ran around with different groups. I brought home food for the 2 kids at home and fried green tomatoes for WH. He was very excited and thanked me. He was very nice, brought me water in bed because I was too cold to get out. He kept coming in, asking me things etc. Then he said "Hey, can we sit down and talk on Sunday?" I said "Sure" smiled and went about my business. That should be an interesting talk.


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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I was out with 2 kids all morning and into the afternoon. When I got home I noticed the mattress WH had been sleeping on was gone. He must have either rented a moving truck or had a friend help him move it. He may have taken more stuff, don't know, don't care. Little DD and oldest son were here all day. DD seems fine and didn't say anything. Oldest son obviously knows something but I didn't ask. Doesn't effect my plans just makes things easier on me. The only thing is dealing with DD. She is going to be crushed again. I hope she says something to him.


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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Hey LGLG!

Sorry you're going thru this, and the Ws at this juncture of the ema, is likely to gaslight you and admit crazy crazy lies to others to justify his behavior.

You would roll over laughing (although I didn't at the time when I found out)at the lies my xwh told others after i exposed to him and during the D. He told people he had sole custody of our child. He even told two women he met that he had sole custody of our son and that he had to divorce me b/c I was in an insane asylum. Yep. And I only found that one out b/c a friend of mine (a doc) went out on a date accidentally with the SAME women my then seperated xh did. Isn't it funny that a man who is clinically diagnosed with two personality disorders could call his more than sane ex wife crazy? It's called lies and justification. Don't buy into it. He's also gaslighting you trying to make you think he didn't buy that condo.

They will lie their butts of. And here's what you need to do.

I always advocate hiring a PI. You can have them investigate a few issues and it won't cost that much. Just get the proof 100 percent that 1)he's having an affair 2)he bought a condo with family monies.

that's all. You have irrefutable proof and the world needs to know that. It's perfectly fine to re-expose with that valid truth. I did. And it's hard to compete with that if you're a wayward you know?

Verifiable truth is the way to go. They can't wiggle their wormy way around it.

Hugs, stay strong, and go with getting the truth. Then you can calmly show it to your family and mutual friends and even friends of the OW and re-expose. Don't let him bully you or his family and friends into buying his bulls((t.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Originally Posted by peachyisback
You would roll over laughing (although I didn't at the time when I found out)at the lies my xwh told others after i exposed to him and during the D. He told people he had sole custody of our child. He even told two women he met that he had sole custody of our son and that he had to divorce me b/c I was in an insane asylum. Yep. And I only found that one out b/c a friend of mine (a doc) went out on a date accidentally with the SAME women my then seperated xh did. Isn't it funny that a man who is clinically diagnosed with two personality disorders could call his more than sane ex wife crazy? It's called lies and justification. Don't buy into it. He's also gaslighting you trying to make you think he didn't buy that condo.
I have to bite my cheek from laughing. I don�t laugh when he uses the kids. He has been planting seeds of doubt about me for months with others including the kids. He also tells my son things, like when he moved out some stuff today. Then my son is caught in the middle. After I asked him to leave I had to tell our little one. She was crushed of course. Then he pulls the crap he did on Monday knowing full well he isn�t staying. Now DD thinks he is staying and her heart is broken again.

Here�s the kicker that happened today. Last night he asked for the food stamps card. Yes we are on food stamps and he is on unemployment. I thought he was going to use it to get some food for the house. Now I know he used it for himself. Literally taking food from his own children�s mouths.


Originally Posted by peachyisback
I always advocate hiring a PI. You can have them investigate a few issues and it won't cost that much. Just get the proof 100 percent that 1)he's having an affair 2)he bought a condo with family monies.
I already did this and more. I have more than enough proof. He has done the lying and people who count know the truth. He is avoiding his family and any contact from anyone who might say something he doesn�t like. This is another reason he has to go. He is using me (duh) and the kids as a cover. Acting like we are a family and everything is the same. He is a HUGE cake eater.

BTW, just in case you missed it. The condo fell through but I have the paper trail from when he looked at it to offer, to loan application, to letter stating they could not proceed because they were missing financial credit information. My BIL has been watching it to see if it went through and it hasn't. He took a mattress, blanket, pillows & TV stand. He may have taken some other small stuff but I think he is staying in a friends spare room. He has packed NOTHING. He is going to be a busy man.


Originally Posted by peachyisback
Hugs, stay strong, and go with getting the truth. Then you can calmly show it to your family and mutual friends and even friends of the OW and re-expose. Don't let him bully you or his family and friends into buying his bulls((t.

I have exposed to loved ones and friends. I will have to pull out the nuclear bomb on him. I may need help on how to do that. He is SO far gone it isn�t even funny. Well, it is funny to watch him lie and think he is fooling me but not funny because of what it is doing and will do in the future to the kids.


BW 46
XWH 46
Boys 17 & 19
Girls 16 & 10
D-day #1 12/2006 (confessed affair in 2004 w/BF & his wife)
D-day #2 10/2008 (denied by XWH)
D-day #3 10/2010
Kick WH out 01/2011 he files for D
D finally final 03/2012
I'm free!
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The loan did not go through because of missing info. Can you call the bank and see if he is trying to add the financial info and proceed with the loan?

Banks are desperate (but conservative about lending, thank goodness) for loans now (or the service fee/loan innitiation fees) associated with this type of transcaction.

I am really really good with finances about credit now. I was Iin the bank last weel to be added on my college students account -- and EVEN I was talked into applying for this "better" credit card account (that I did not even want) with a zero intrest rate for 6 mos. - but goes to 19% in Summer... HELLO? what was I thinking? I am going to candel it this week.

(((LIGTG)))

Last edited by barbiecat; 01/24/11 09:00 AM.

Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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