I know lots of you have posted comments on how to move past the pain of the affair, but I hope I can get some needed support from the folks here on this website, because I really need to get this off my chest to someone who can understand. I posted my story in Surviving an Affair. D-Day was two months ago, and we've been living on a remote island (in the Azores) for almost three months due to H's job transfer. I was only willing to join my husband here out of my love for him, because I've spent my entire 52 years of life moving from place to place, first with my father who was in the military,then with my government worker husband. So if there was ever any yearning for adventure, it had long been fulfilled, and I was at the point where I deeply wanted to settle down. But when my husband found out his next assignment was here, what's a loving wife to do but to offer to join her husband, right? He was so happy that I was going to be with him, and we made our plans. I cried every day for a month (I'm not exaggerating) because I loved my settled life there. I had my business, my grandchildren, friends, everything, but with my husband deployed, I was also looking forward to living with him again. At this point, he had still been faithful, although he says now that a friendship with a woman there had been developing for a while. I had no idea of this. I only mention this part, because this move was the most profound thing I believe I had ever done for my husband to show my love for him. To be willing to give up everything in the world I loved to be with him meant a great deal to me. At the time, it seemed to mean a lot to him as well.

When we first arrived on this island, I was perplexed as to why my husband wasn't warm with me, why he seemed so unhappy, but he wasn't forthcoming with any answers. I didn't know that the entire time, he was continuing to email OP, often right in the hotel room with me right there across the room. I never suspected this, because I didn't know he was capable of this depth of cruelty.

Shortly after I discovered the affair, he established NC, wanting to the "right thing," and to my knowledge this has not been broken. Physically, she is far away and unlikely to bump into us on this remote outpost. Since then, H has apparently done a complete turnaround, acting very remorseful and has done everything possible to deposit love units and avoid LB. We have read through SAA, HSHN, and the LB book. We completed the EN questionnaires. We had what seemed to be the usual up and down recovery period so far. Weeks of hysterical bonding, days of tears but also some very good days in between. The past couple of days have been extremely difficult for me. There's no good reason coming from H; he's been warm and loving as he possible can be. The pain is coming from within my own heart and soul. I think back to when I offered to give up everything I loved to join him and he gratefully accepted, THEN he had this affair with this OP. He ended up falling in love with her and didn't want to come home to me, although he says now he had no good reason--it wasn't like our marriage was in trouble or anything. He has always said I was a "wonderful woman." But he didn't tell me, so I assumed he was just trying to get used to things. We went through the complicated process of moving overseas and the heartbreak of saying goodbyes to those beloved little children and here I am now, wondering why I am here. How could he have accepted all of this from me and then turned around and have an affair with someone he knew for a few months. He said later on that he brought me here so we could pay off our house sooner, because he planned to give it to me when he left me. He said he knew I didn't deserve the affair, and this was the least he could do. He was going to leave everything behind, share his retirement with me (providing OP didn't give him guff about it, I'm supposing.) He was going sacrifice all of this for OP.

At this point, I am wondering mostly what kind of man he really is; is it possible for a person to change character so much? I couldn't imagine it was possible for him to be so selfish and cruel as to allow me to leave everything behind, knowing all the while he was in love with OP. I don't understand any of this, and now I go back and forth between absolutely despising him and wanting my own life back...without him in it, and yet wanting what we once had, what he says he wants more than anything now. I don't know how to believe him or if it's smart to believe him. How much more can I put myself in his hands and not be stupid? By putting myself in his hands, I mean that in order for me to be here with him, I have had to give up my career for the most part, except for some remote bookkeeping that I have been able to retain.

For thirty years, we have made plans and moved here and there, often living overseas, and I have made new lives every single place, never able to build my own career or retirement or even have my own health plan because of the requirements of moving. I know this part was my choice and that I could chosen to live separately all this time, but then what's the point of being married? Thankfully, we were in one place long enough for me to finally earn my BS in finance in my early 40's, so at least I have an education I can lean on if necessary. H apparently feels terribly guilty and promises he has changed, but after this, I don't know who he really is. He has asked me for something he could do to show me his changed character, but I have no ideas. I have his passwords. I never told anyone but our chaplain and my good friend back home, so no one else at all knows. I kept it to myself, because it seemed there was little point in exposure since OP was very far away with no chance of getting here. I have access to his email and have seen nothing. She was removed from FB and hasn't shown up since.

Is this what I have to look forward to for the next couple of years? I had no idea it was possible to suffer this much and hate someone so much while at the same time wanting desperately to love him. I'm not the drama-queen type of person. Heck, I'm the quintessential sensible bookkeeper-type. And yet, here I am with more ups and downs than I thought was possible in one person.

51CD30,

I empathize with your story. It has bits and pieces that are similar to mine.

Recovery is hard. You are only a couple of months into it. The amount of time discussed here, IF both spouses are on board, is 2 to 5 years.

It seems to me as if you have alot going for you. You have been married, in a good marriage, for a long time. You do not live anywhere near the OW and it appears as if there has been no contact for quite some time. It sounds as if your H has finished his withdrawal period.

I know this sounds awful, but it appears as though your H had what Dr. Harley would call a "typical affair". Like many, many people, your H slid into it because of poor boundries. Once in, he was addicted and did all kinds of awful things to "get his fix".

Ranting here is ok. Is there anything specific you want answered or anything you want to do?

AM

Thanks AM...

I guess what I'm needing to know at the moment is getting a handle on these awful up and down emotions. I'll be fine for a few days, even happy and doing things, then I'll go into a place where I feel like I'm going to cry for days about this and don't want to be close to my husband. I'll go from making love one day to sleeping on the other side of the bed the next. Is this supposed to be normal? I'm about the most emotionally even-keeled and logical person I know and this is very hard to go through. I hate not even knowing if I want to stay or go, whether I love or despise H.

I don't know much about recovery; it's better than divorcing, but it's still not an easy road, even with a H who wants to work it out. How did some of you handle this period of time?

Well, I was not really a poster child for handling it well. I had many of the same feelings that you are expressing. I disliked my H, but did not want a divorce.

My H lied to me for more than a year. I had angry outbursts during that time. What changed and how did I handle it?

1. H stopped lying and I stopped angry outburst. We both avoid lovebusters.
2. We work the MB program with very little deviation. We spend about 20 hours a week in undivided attention. This has been key for us. If we don't get our UA hours, we both feel bad. We both like the same recreational activities and we have a variety of both winter and summer outdoor activities.
3. Anti-depressants.
4. Avoid talking about the affair. it is an enemy of good conversation and once things are out in the open, there is no need to re-visit.
5. There is a thread on this recovery forum dealing with trigger management. It was helpful to me and over time triggers decreased. I still have them, but not the overwhelming reaction to them.

When we lived in Europe, my H visited the Azores for work. It seemed to be a very small place. Is there much to do there?



AM

Thanks for your suggestions.

I know I'm focusing too much on the affair and although I have never yelled at him about it, I talk about it too much at times and am very sad on and off. And the funny thing about negativity is that the more there is, the more it tends to snowball. I need to find a better way to deal with this by finding other healthy outlets.

On this island, hmmm....there ARE things to do, but it's not like it was in Southern California, is all I can say. The military community here is helpful and positive, but since the base is small, it takes a while to find things to do. Last week, the GIs hosted a talent show--ended up with standing room only. What does that tell you about all there is to do here? Still I will need get out more, force myself to get over that hurdle of just wanting to stay indoors and bury myself. I know it's not good for me.

We will need to look for some new activities to do together here in this new place. Moving turned our world upside down.

Guess it will take time and a great deal of mental effort. Thank you for telling me how you and your H handled things. I'll have to work harder to avoid sinking into "The Pit."

You already sound more positive. One thing Dr Harley seems to stress is a focus on the future, rather than the past. The past is done and there is no way to change it. And yeah, the recent past sucked, so I don't want the future to be more of the same.

A few months ago, my H and I filled out the recreational activity inventory. It is here on this site under the questionnaire tab. We had spent years apart during my H's deployments. It was helpful to rank those things that we both enjoy doing and then start doing them together. We both play golf very badly - still beginners. But we enjoy playing golf together, even though no one else in their right mind would want to join us.

The military are pretty good about making up something fun to do when in an isolated location. Maybe most of America would not be excited about a talent show. But there were probably some highpoints and some laughs.

Are there many travel opportunities there? We travelled much of Europe and skiied the Alps extensively. We took a couple of cruises while in Europe. One started/ended in Venice and went to the Greek Isles and Croatia. We loved it.

AM

I think all BSs feel the same. This emotional roller coaster is our new normal ... for a time, not forever.

It really is true that feelings follow actions. So, plan enjoyable time together with your H and focus on meeting the various ENs.

It will get better. I'm not entirely healed (will I ever be, I wonder), but I'm headed in the right direction.

I love your thread title:


Recovery is so much more difficult to pull off than Plans A/B during the affair.
People who are doing Plan A/B don't believe us when we say "RECOVERY is MUCH harder."

People who lack the strength/stamina/fortitude for a good Plan A-Plan B usually fail miserably at what they call "recovery" .... which usually amounts to living with/acceptance of an unhappy unfulfilling marriage arrangement.

People who shortcut Plans A/B will also shortcut recovery. And then, they say "Why isn't this working?"

If it is HARD, you must be doing something right !!!


More later ....

The first thing I always look at when I read your type of dilemma is this:



Your timeline.
You're FINE.
Keep going.



No yelling = good.
You did not mention crying.
Crying = good.
Ask H to hold you when you feel sad.

I want to suggest you journal your personal recovery.
You like to write, I think.
Once you have been journaling for a few months, you will be able to see your progress.

As for the negativity, write it all down in your journal and then balance it by writing 3 positive things every journal entry.
On the days you do not journal any negative thoughts, continue with the positive affirmations/gratitudes/things you learned/etc.

You'll soon see an accumulative effect of this type of personal journaling.

Best wishes and good luck!

1. You are not stupid.
2. You are wounded, be gentle with yourself.
3. Recognize that this recovery business is a process, and the necessary steps are not always pleasant nor always unpleasant.
4. You are trying to squeeze a WH's illogical choices into a "logical husband" algorithm.
Ain't gonna happen. Let it go for now. It will only drive you nutz.

5. Love/hate is exactly where you should be, considering your timeline.
You love the man, you hate his choices.

You're doing FINE.

Armymama, Delta, & Pepperband,

THANK YOU! You have all been through this. I really needed the support and suggestions, because it feels like I'm going crazy sometimes. I have cried buckets of tears, more than I ever have before over anything else in my 52 years of living. It sort of sounds like it's normal for me to feel crazy, for a while anyway. We are both so thankful I stumbled into this website. When I first discovered the affair, H thought I'd be happy for him that he "finally found his soul mate." (WHAT?--didn't realize he was on the search for one) And right here on this website, I found that this is common language. He was astounded and embarrassed to realize that what he thought was so special is part of the repertoire of the wandering spouse, the justification for leaving. Now he never uses that phrasing.

I will try the journaling. Writing is very helpful and will allow me to balance out the negative with the positive without always talking about it out loud. The acceptance part is very very difficult for me. I like to fix everything and have everything "nice and neat," but this can't be fixed. It only MUST be accepted and moved past. Sometimes, the adultery gets right up in my face and other times, it appears to be behind me where I can't see it and can sort of ignore it. Sounds like this is normal, too. I hate it, but like any wound, it needs time. I have read on this site of some very difficult situations for BS. I can only shake my head in sadness at what people do to each other. I'm thankful that it appears H is very sorry, very tender, and once again in love with me. I got the ILYBINILWY speech like so many of the others, and it hurt me deeply. But H does now appear to be much warmer than he was before and is back to being himself, perhaps even a better self than before.

Armymama was right. In the long absence, H didn't have any boundaries, enjoyed the friendship of both genders, but developed a special bond with this AP. I wasn't there to meet his ENs, and he allowed AP to do this. After reading Harley's books, H has promised to avoid any opposite gender friendships. We plan to avoid any long separations in any case.

We are both working hard at meeting the ENs. Being on this remote island is a blessing in disguise. I wasn't happy about moving here, but we do, at least, have a great deal of time for the UA, which has been instrumental in pulling us back together.

Well,thanks again.

51CD30,

Thank you for posting your thoughts. You have put into words what has been runing through my head as I go through this. Your d-day is not so far after mine. It is comforting to know that there are others out there experiencing the same feelings that I am. I don't feel so alone. Best of recovery to you.

Since my first post on this topic a few days ago, I have taken to heart the things suggested to me. When I think of the A and how horrible it all was that it happened and relive the feelings I suffered when I found out, I am trying very hard now to replace those awful thoughts with thinking how it is right NOW. Once H started coming out of the fog, his behavior toward me changed drastically, from cold and withdrawn to warm and loving. He has expressed frequently how terrible he feels about the A. I hadn't paid attention until yesterday to one particularly major change, though--no defensive and no escalation on his part.

We were doing a little marriage devotional that wasn't too helpful for someone in a recent post-adultery situation. It's a very nice book for someone in a regular sort of marriage who needs a little boost, but all it's done in our situation is point out all the shortcomings in our marriage. Depressing, and H (in a rare and new display of honesty and openness) asked me if we could just put it away for a few years or maybe even pass it on. We found Harley's books more on target for what we need right now. The devotional for that day got me started on A talk...bad. I told him he was an a**hole (I'm never vulgar like that, but here I was) with a lot of toilet paper stuck on. A wolf in sheep's clothing. He did what he has done for the last couple of months since D-day--sucked it up and agreed that he had acted very badly and said yet again how sorry he was. All without being defensive. He suggested gently that the name-calling was not helping anything. No escalation or ugliness like could have happened. Right after he left for work (I know, really bad timing and judgment on my part) I remembered the suggestions from others and was suddenly mortified with myself for saying anything so negative. Then I realized how he has displayed so much love and humility and not fought back with me in my occasional rages. I suddenly realized I need to think about THAT as our way of moving forward. H really is trying to deposit love units into my negative account and not giving up. I decided that I should be thinking about that, and that's something I can admire about him (one of his ENs.) I emailed immediately and apologized; he replied with a sense of humor about it. Really amazing, but I was taking it for granted all this time.

Pass this on to your H.

Everyday, my H asks:

"Is there anything I can do for you today?"

Sometimes I say: "No, thank you".
Or, I might say: "Yes. I'd like you to (task)."
My most frequent response is: "Stay tuned in."

Eventually, I began to ask him the same question.

It's a small but significant step towards mutual caring and (hopefully) empathy.

It sounds to me as if your H has made a good effort towards increasing empathy for your feelings.

((( HUGS )))

It's been a tough week. I am so often so terribly sad. Now that three months has passed since D-Day, I can see I must have been in some kind of shock and disbelief for a while. Now I'm struck very deeply by what happened. I'm so disappointed in my marriage and in the man I chose to be my husband. I often wonder if either of us has the stomach and fortitude to get through this recovery process. H is being to show some impatience. Honestly, there are times I would like to simply leave him and carry on in peace on my own. I am not afraid to live on my own; I did so the entire time he was deployed after all and did just fine. I have thought about this many times this week, wondering if it's worth the tremendous effort, wondering if he has the stamina to stick with me in spite of the tears and the terrible pain I feel. I know that in comparison to many others, my situation is "easier;" the emotional affair lasted for several months and then went physical for about a month while they traveled together in southern Iraq, taking advantage of the opportunity to be out of the "fishbowl" of the close confines of the base. She's far away and is unlikely to be here, so I don't have that concern. Since he was living an independent life, I don't have the lies that most spouses have to deal with on a daily basis to cover up the affair.

I hate hate hate the knowledge that everything we shared as a married couple sexually, he shared with her. I hate that he spent long hours in intimate conversation with her. I hate that he let me upend my life without having the guts to tell me the truth first and letting me make up my own mind. There are many times I feel nothing at all for H, other times I hate him and yet other times when he tells me he loves me and I reply that I love him, too, that I must love him in some way if I'm still here. Or maybe it's an unwillingness to let the dreams and building of 31 years of marriage die. I don't really know what it is. Last night, I just wanted a teddy bear to hug. Can you imagine that a grown woman of 52 years wanted a teddy bear for comfort? I feel like a sad little girl who has no one to hug her. I want H to hug me; I don't want H to hug me. I want to leave; I want to stay. It's a horrible thing what adultery does to all parties.

I'm not asking for any advice here, just some words of encouragement. I can't seem to get through this sadness. It's overwhelming at times. Still functioning: getting up every morning, showering, doing my remote bookkeeping, getting together with friends (no one here knows) cooking and so on. I feel somewhat dead inside.

51CD30,

I truly understand everything you wrote. I think most BSes on this site have had those same feelings.

It does get better. For me, the lows are less low and don't last near as long.

It is good that you are getting up and functioning. I had some days when I really could not get up and going. Instead of a teddy bear, our dog would cuddle me.

AM

Hi there 51CD30,
I think you have hit the nail on the head for all of us, we all feel like quitting at times and other times it works fine for us.......
When I need a hug I ask my husband for that, he holds me for a few moments and I feel better, sometimes I don't worry about him in that moment, I just really enjoy the hug and closeness and it gets me through the moment.......I struggle with the fact that the marriage vow I took is gone and that my sacred intimate life with my husband doesn't belong to just us anymore.............the way I look at it is that life is different now and that it will never be as it was.......you can't be accountable for someone else's decisions but you can do what feels right for you, if it no longer feels good to do something don't do it........you have to just find different ground rules for the two of you. Your husband will understand that he has changed things and that parts of the situation will be different for you and the marriage........
Just a consequences of his decisions........
52 years old, I'm 53 I know what it feels like to have all you believed in change......
But you are worth any effort it takes to have a happy productive life.....you are doing it for you not him.......
Take your control back...........you are letting the affair control your life and the affair isn't worth that.........
Set up your boundaries and respect yourself and if do what makes you happy.....
When you feel better about yourself you will start to enjoy life again.........
One of the sayings around here are fake it until you feel it..............

After reading many more posts from this great website, I think I know why recovery has been really really hard for me, with days fluctuating wildly from hope to despair. The whole story is below, but in a nutshell, this is not the first offense committed against our marriage, although it is the most egregious. With this adultery came up all the old, long-buried monsters of the past.

I apologize for this being so long, but it has helped me tremendously to get it all out....Perhaps a few of you will bear with me and then offer your wisdom.

H had for many years displayed very independent behavior, rarely asking my opinion on important financial matters. As a result not only did he make a number of gross missteps, which frankly would have been avoided had we worked together, but it made me not like him very much. This went on for about 18 years. I never did deal with it properly, because for most of that time, we were living overseas, and I felt pretty powerless. I didn't tell anyone, because I figured it was our burden to work through.

At the end of our tour overseas, H had to go on a three-week business trip. He met some female there, spent time with her, made out with her, and came home withdrawn and extremely cold toward me. When pressed, he finally angrily told me, that yes, there had been a woman during this travel, and that he was seriously considering leaving me and our daughter for this person. (Remember this was someone he knew for THREE weeks.) I was deeply hurt and stunned. About this time, I had discovered evidence of more secret spending and some dating games on CDs, hidden behind our computer desk.

As part of our own recovery process, I told him that he had to allow me to learn to deal with the finances and was was grudgingly allowed to do so. We suffered through the recovery process in the new place, going to counseling and as a result found that he had some serious depression problems, which we then needed to address. H had for periods of time been very difficult to live with. Now we know this was chronic depression, but we didn't know that at that time. This took place as we were making our arrangements to move to the states, based on orders from his company. He acted horribly to both me and our daughter, just brutally cold with us.

As I was working on the finances, I found that he had forged my name to some documents withdrawing funds from a financial institution. This was done three times, totaling about $10K, in order for him to purchase expensive collectible comic books without my knowledge. Stunned again. Because I needed some support and advice, I told my parents about this and about the brief affair, and they recommended I put as much as possible into my name to protect the funds and to get my education completed in case I had to take care of myself. They loved my H but they wanted me to be protected.

H eventually repented of these things, and we moved on. Recovery took a good while, though. Our marriage seemed much happier, and H was finally content with his life as it was. Before this, he had forever been restless and discontent with just about everything in his life. Really sad.

At 42, I earned my BS in Business/Finance. During the last semester of school and while getting ready for our daughter's wedding, I accidentally found that H had been going into porn sights and inappropriate Internet chat rooms, emailing other women in a ribald manner. Also masturbating frequently, which explained why the low sexual desire in our marriage. I found emails where he was very suggestive with a woman we knew from a prior assignment, but the interest was not returned from what I read on her side. Stunned again. I was horribly disappointed in this man. The only one I told was our pastor at that time. He directed H to a men's sexual purity support-type group, which he was part of up until the time we moved yet again. He really appeared to take repentance and purity seriously again and things seemed to get better. Getting over this offense took longer than the first time. When this was discovered, it brought up the monsters of the past again. For a couple of years at least, I felt like I was always looking over my shoulder.

Everything stayed pretty happy until some really tough work years for H, plunging him back into a depression, but this time it came with angry outbursts over tiny offenses or he would misunderstand something, taking it the wrong way, and be angry. No one at work liked him anymore. He was angry and tense for weeks. Finally he left for a five-week business trip. No women during this time that I could tell, but I didn't miss him in the least, not even for a moment, because it was such a relief to be away from him. When he returned home, I told him he had to get help, or I was done with him. So he got help, went on meds again and was much much better. He apologized to all that he had offended and was a very nice person again. That was maybe 6 or so years ago, and since then our friendship/marriage had been fine, lovely actually. At our 25th anniversary, we even had a wedding vow renewal service, and H was literally moved to tears.

His long deployment went well, and he was faithful up until nearly the very end when he met this woman he enjoyed being with and started spending a lot of time with her. They did a lot of recreational stuff together, which met one of his ENs. He was still "with me" up until he left for his final stint over there, and that's when he walked right into full-fledged physical adultery without looking back.

So now those old monsters have been dredged up yet again along with the cruel hurt of this affair. I wonder if I am just unwise to stay. Maybe he will never change. Maybe I will never be able to get past all of this. Maybe his character is deeply flawed and it's for someone else to deal with. Me? I'm weary of it all.

So it's been about 5 months since D-Day, maybe 4 months or so into actual recovery, and all this old once-forgiven stuff is thrown up again. H had promised absolute fidelity some years ago and was so loving, so sorry he had been such a jerk for those years. So much repentance. Then he pulls this incredibly destructive behavior and now I am feeling lost, angry, sad. All of my choices at the moment suck. If I stay, we have to work through this. If I leave, as I sometimes so badly want to do, I'm saying goodbye to the good things we had once in our marriage. I have only just this morning said, "Okay, I will stay for a while, but only if I never see you angry or defensive and that you will not fall into a depression again. I can't deal with all the crap AND your depression, too." Probably sounds selfish, but I'm at the end of the rope.

H has been persistent in meeting my ENs during this time, even losing weight to please that EN. I have worked hard to meet his, too, although it's been tough for me at times, because I feel so deeply hurt. It's hard to be sexually aroused at the same time I'm feeling terrible about his choices and wondering if I should stay with him. But there are times it's farther away and then I can enjoy a nice time with H.

A poster to another thread asked if the BS would choose the spouse all over again, if the marriage had an expiration date. My immediate thought was not that only would I NOT choose this man again, I now wish I had never even met him. But, and here's the difficult part, he can be so loving and wonderful and tender. It's like a Jekyll and Hyde. But to have the good one, I have to deal with the bad one. When I look at our marriage through the MB lens, I see that for long periods of time, the ONLY EN H met for me was that of financial support; all the others were neglected for long periods of time. I was ignored while he worked long hours, not consulted in many of the big decisions, lied to, and defrauded of marital sex in exchange for masturbation. He gained about 50 pounds over the course of our marriage, and one of my emotional needs is an attractive spouse. Sorry, just can't stand a lot of fat on my man. I look back and wonder how could I have stayed all these years with so little to work with at times. But then, things would get better and be so good. At this time, H has promised to meet my ENs and promised extraordinary precautions, has provided me with his email PW and we now share one FB account. We are doing the UA time. Maybe it's not enough. But it all seems too late. Is it too late? What would you do? Would counseling with the Harley's help?

I'm really sorry this is so long, but to condensing 31 years into a paragraph or two is hard for me.

Hi 51CD30,

You say H has promised to meet your EN and be transparent. So how is he actually doing? It sounds as though he is working on the attractive spouse by losing some weight? Do you do things together - working out/sports, cooking together? How about the other ENs? Do you have current agreement about financial matters?

AM

Yes, H has lost weight. I was so disgusted with his weight last year that I told him I had been considering having an affair. I know that sounds terrible, but now I realize that I was complaining, letting him know how much his weight bothered me. I didn't cheat in any form, but I did consider it from all angles, then decided I would not do so for the many risks and wrongs involved. He began to lose weight in earnest at that time and now has only about 15 pounds to go to get to his goal. His lady friend didn't mind his weight at all, which was a plus for him. One of his ENs is admiration and this was sorely lacking in relation to his physical attractive to me.

Since No Contact, H is everything I had always wished for in a husband right now. He is being affectionate and tender, passionate, and we do things together that we both enjoy. It's been my job ever since I took over finances to handle that part of our life now, although I always let him know what's going on. So the finance part is no longer a problem. I mentioned that because it's part of all the things that went wrong in our marriage that have all come back to haunt me. Maybe I'm taking this all wrong?

The problem is now that although he is being wonderful, I no longer feel safe with him. It took a long time each of those other times to fall back in love with him again and trust him. Now I wish we had MB back then, or things would certainly have been different now. I don't even know how I feel at this time. Maybe I must love him, but I don't know. It feels pretty broken. He would have to keep on doing this "great husband" stuff for a long while, and I am not sure he's capable of it. Mostly I am ANGRY about how impulsive the affair seemed to be, how completely unexpected, and that no one informed me. He was so deep in the fog when we came to this place, he remade marital history and then decided I would be happy about his meeting the soul mate because I could go "home" now. When the fog lifted, he said the difference was like night and day and he could see the damage and wondered why he did that. Good memories of our marriage flooded his brain suddenly and he was deeply sorry about the adultery. I know his remorse is real, his love seems real, but I wonder if it will last. That's the part I am most concerned with. Is this a lasting recovery?