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Joined: Jan 2004
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SKM 2 Offline OP
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Okay, I haven't been on MB since 2004 - alot has changed, I posted a quick update in recovery, but have to admit that I am very IT challenged and cannot figure out how to reply to posts on the new and improved website.

So, anyway, I don't even know how I was able to start a new topic, but I saw your name, saw that you must be up to about 15000 posts and figured, must be the same guy.

Anyway, just wanted to give a "shout out." 11 years in recovery, coming up on 15 years of marriage - things are good. If you do remember me, you might remember that my H and I had a son - two years after I ended my nightmare. He is now 8 years-old and needs to get into bed. But, I just wanted to say hi and thanks - you know what for. . .

I really don't know if I will be able to post, but when I saw your name - well, I just spent about 30 minutes trying to get this one out.

Take care old friend -- and seeing how I am now in my 40s. . .I consider myself in that category, too. All the best, May God Bless you and keep you.

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Hey there - I know you don't remember me, as I read more than posted back then (and still do). But I remember your story well, and JL still mentions you from time to time. Your story and transformation was inspiring, and it's wonderful to hear that you and your DH are still happily married with a wonderful son so many years later.

Congrats, and best to you....

Martes


Female 45
Happily married 10 years; 2 sons
Use MB for 'preventative maintenance.'
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Oh my Gosh!!!

SKM, of course I remember you and there is no way you are in your 40's. faint I am so glad to hear from you. I always hope that you and your H had continued to have a great marriage. I do remember you having a child, what I am having a hard time getting my mind around is that he is 8.

I don't get to your neck of the woods much these days, but I sure did enjoy dinner with you and your H. You two were so pleasant to talk to.

Are you still doing the same work? Is your H?

I'm sorry there are so many questions.

I hope you get a chance to come back.

God Bless,

JL

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SKM I have read some of your old threads but can't get your whole story. It would becreally good if you could tell us your whole story and what happened.

Thank you


BW/FWW 34 (Harmony)
BH/WH 36

Feb 2009 - Affair starts, physical for 9 days on business trip.
Mar 2009 - Separate from H, live alone
Apr 2009 - realise I have made big mistake and attempt reconciliation with H, establish NC with OM.
Jun 2009 - H physical and emotional serial A start right upto present day.
Jul 2009 - NC with OM broken and becomes EA
Mar 2010 - H reads email and discovers A
Jul 2010 - Discover MB
Aug 2010 - Plan A starts
Oct 2010 - Plan B starts
Joined: Jan 2004
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SKM 2 Offline OP
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Hey, JL. I still don't quite get the hang of this new site. You may ask, after all these years, why I am back on this site? I am now a senior manager where I work. . .One of my employees (I supervise about 40 people) - well, two of my employees, are involved in a messy triangle. One of my employees just found out her husband - who works in the same organization, and sits about 5 cubes away from her - has been having an affair with another one of my employees - who sits another five cubes away. It is absolutely the worst situation I have had to deal with in my career.

Naturally, when the wife found out, husband denied, wife found emails, husband finally 'fessed up, wife went looking for the other woman - thankfully, all three have taken leave this week. So, I have until Monday to "deal" with the situation - which, unfortunately, there is not too much I can do, but talk to my two employees and prevent them from killing each other.

So, given my history. . . I was curious to see if the site was still up, who was around - if anyone - and all I have to say is that you must be a glutton for punishment!!!

Harmony - thanks for reading some of the old posts, but my peak time for posting my whole sordid story - which feels like a lifetime ago - occurred back in 2000-2001. And, I have not been able to find those posts. I posted ALOT back then. I was one of the few WSs who tried to lend their perspective (which was very warped at the time). But after my son was born, life took on and has taken on different meaning for me.

My job keeps me busy, and I'll be busier than normal, I guess now that I have the triangle to deal with - lines in the sand are already being drawn among the rest of my staff. I printed off some of my really old posts from back in the day. IF I get some down time, I will try to post the SKM Chronicles. That pretty much sums it up, but it's a long read.

The bottom line: I was a WS who was really wayward. While I confessed the affair to my husband (ironically, because I did not want to lose his friendship and I could not take the lying anymore), I followed the typical trend of a WS - I used the same words as my employee's husband (above used) "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Ironically, when I heard my employee (the FS) ask "What the H### does that mean?" Regretfully, I was able to provide a response. I told her that {and JL see if this sounds familiar} what her husband did was horrible, but that does not mean that their 23-year marriage was a sham, or that he was a horrible person, or that she married a horrible man. I told her that he denied the affair, told you that he loved you but was not in love with you - because he was not prepared to leave (and this sounds harsh) his friend of 23 years, not necessarily his wife.

For me, what little spark I had, was that my H was and ALWAYS will be my best friend. I knew what I did was wrong, but it was not a "conscious" decision. I look back on it now and think I must have been temporarily insane - some of the things I did. . .

But, I am or was, a kind of decent person before the A. And, it was the lying, telling half-truths. . .well, I knew that if I left my H, we had no children at the time, no shared responsibilities - other than a mortgage. . well, I knew if we divorced, I would (1) never hear the end of it from my family (yeah, that's pretty warped that I was worried about that); and (2) I would probably never see my husband again, we would stop being best friends. It wasn't much of a spark - but I knew I had to tell my H. I knew he would be heartbroken. It was awful...

Oh my God, this is bringing up . . . anyway, my husband was more upset than angry at me. He actually told me that there must have been something he did or didn't do. . .And, honestly, looking back on it - there wasn't any reason for me to do what I did -- it was purely lack of self-esteem, and someone made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

It's really hard to explain, but my H told me all the time I was pretty. He was supportive. He had some career set backs,and when I asked him why he wanted to stay with me and even try to work it out. . .he said because I was his friend and that I was always there for him - through the career stuff.

I don't know. . .this is really, really hard. . .it never goes away - what happened - but you learn to kind of live with it. At the time, my husband saw in me something I couldn't see in myself. I felt like the biggest loser - a walking, talking scarlet A. At the time, when we were working on trying to rebuild our marriage, I was VERY depressed. I was on edge ALL the time. I pestered him - why do you still love me? what is it? and ironically - is it because you cheated on me??? Crazy stuff.

Ultimately, I felt like I had done this really bad thing (it was bad, one of God's "top ten" as I called it) and I truly felt like I was living on this lower level, below everyone else in the world - that I was the only one to have ever made a mistake of this magnitude, that I was living on an almost sub-human level, and it would take every day of the rest of my life to "make it up" to my husband, pay him back. Fill his love bank with deposits - as they used to call it - the love bank.

I was willing to try, but I didn't think we would make it. I gave myself and my husband a year and if after that year things did not honestly get better. . .I would leave, move out. Gave it a shot - who knew?

I didn't really do too much back then to rebuild our marriage. Other than no contact - which sounds really wimpy, but at the time. . .God that's hard to say. . .it was like an alcoholic trying to say away from a beer. To all the FSs, who could be reading, I apologize now. . .no contact was tough - even though I was really remorseful over what I had done.

My H truly was the beacon in the night - its a cliche, but there is no other way to describe it. He put up with a lot of BS from me. The worst part -- if he was the one to have had the A, and not me, I'm not so sure I would have been so forgiving. I don't know that I could ever trusted him again. Back then.

Without a doubt, while I do not wish this on anyone - much less myself - today, if that were to happen to me. . .100% I would forgive him, because he forgave me. And, if he was sorry and wanted to work on our marriage - I would give it a year. . .

I am not arrogant enought to think it would never happen to me. . .but I REALLY want to "Grow old" with my husband. I love his company. We bicker, we argue at times, but he's got my back, and, now, I believe I have his.

Anyway, JL, this post is like the "bad old days" - long and rambling. I'm not the best wife and mother - and there are bad mom days - I regret what happened, but don' think about it everyday, and haven't beat myself up too much -- until apparently tonight. It is probably the biggest regret of my life. But, I think, anyway, it's not going to make sense to you, but it will make sense to JL - when my marraige was demolished, when I had the affair, a lot of things were destroyed, but my H and I discovered that our marriage was not built on "shifting sand" - believe those were your words JL. I demolished my house, but found out that there really was a foundation to build on.

It absolutely would have never happened - rebuilding our marriage - if my husband didn't forgive me, and more importantly, was able to "forget." He will never forget what he went through - neither will I forget what I put him through. . .I'm just really grateful, and you tend to focus on the good, and try not to look back.

God is good. There are so many things that I have been blessed with -- though I don't deserve any of it.

It's really hard to look back, but at the time, it was my penance of sorts to try and provide the WS insight to - unfortunately - so many FSs who visit this site. And, to try and encourage WSs to stick to no contact - because what you discover is that the OM was not a knight in shining armor to free you from the castle. . .my problems - were my problems. Not my H's fault. When I finally took responsibility for what I needed to take responsibility for. . .things changed.

I looked at your "signature" above and don't remember too many of the accronyms any more, but my EA started in October (I think) 1999, it went to a PA in February 2000 (1 time), immediately confessed the A to my H, husband did not kick me to the curb, wants to work on our M. No contact with OM, only lasts for a few days - there wasn't as much contact, but it wasn't no contact. EA goes to a PA one more time in April 2000. When you think it's hard to confess the first time. . .I confessed again. H forgave me - again - found this website, received encouragement to continue no contact.

11 years later, I still have my best friend and my husband. . .and the best little miracle baby ever. I was 32 when the EA occurred, the OM was something like 26. Midlife crisis at 32 -- I really hope I live beyond 64 - but it was touch and go for a while.

The best advice I would give to anyone on this site who truly wants to save their marriage -- you have to find that one thing, that one spark, and fan the flames day by day. For a WS, you have to build back trust - which is really hard - and you're not even thinking about your spouse - you wonder how you will make it through the day. It is very self-centered. But, when you shift your focus from yourself (WS) and can think about your FS - their needs, doing things to help them or what they want to do instead of what you want to do for dinner (for example), you get in the habit of thinking about that other person's needs. And you change. . .

For the FS, you have to be willing to give trust again - or it will never work. And it doesn't happen over night. . .and it shouldn't happen over night. You have to be willing to risk having your heart broken again -- my husband rolled the dice, but you would have to ask him why.

My husband never knew the difference between Plan A and Plan B. Thankfully, he was really good at Plan A without really knowing it. I genuinely did not think that I would "fall back in love" with my husband and in a year, we would go our separate ways, but that never happened. Then 9/11 happened. . .and a lot of people's lives changed. . .my life, my perspective changed. It wasn't just about me anymore. You have to live for other people as well.

Not all marriages survive. . .it was not all rainbows and unicorns the past 11 years . . .but we made it through the worst times of our life. And I can never, ever repay my H. But, the really cool thing? He never, ever asks to be repaid.

If I can come back and post more, I'll try. I'm out of practice - but still long winded. So, thanks if you read this far. See you around JL. I am certain they have a special spot in heaven for you. Please put in a good word for me, and maybe we'll meet again. SKM

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Don't worry SKM, your spot is already reserved.

Harmony, I'm pretty busy right now, but I will try to dig some of SKM's post out. Some I am sure were lost in a disk crash about that time, but I'll look.

I will tell you that she is a wonderful person, and her H is as good a guy as she says. I've had the pleasure of eating dinner with both of them.

SKM, I don't know what you policies are for affairs in your work place, but make sure that these people are aware of it and make sure slack will not be cut of any of them.

Yet, also let them know that there is hope for the marriage. It is tough to be in the middle of this as you are, but I am sure you will do a good job.

I hope I can talk with you later when you have the time to post here.

God Bless,

JL

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Originally Posted by SKM 2
Naturally, when the wife found out, husband denied, wife found emails, husband finally 'fessed up, wife went looking for the other woman - thankfully, all three have taken leave this week. So, I have until Monday to "deal" with the situation - which, unfortunately, there is not too much I can do, but talk to my two employees and prevent them from killing each other.

What a mess indeed! At my company we would terminate the employees for violating fraternization policies. Workplace affairs are devastating to employee morale and we view such employees as legal loose cannons. They are walking sexual harassment lawsuits. What is your company policy about that? How will these employees be separated?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. and sadly, this couple cannot ever recover their marriage as long as they work with the OW. In order to recover all contact with the OW must end. What a tragedy. I never understand people who have workplace affairs because they destroy their careers in addition to their marriages. Loose cannons, indeed..


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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SKM 2, thank you for that post. As a FBW I found it interesting to read.

Do you have any policy in place regarding workplace fraternization?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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SKM2 that is a wonderful story...and gives us all hope. Thanks for sharing!

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Originally Posted by lovemywifesc
SKM2 that is a wonderful story...and gives us all hope. Thanks for sharing!

Ditto!


But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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It's nice to know you are doing well.
May your life continue to improve.
Thanks for the report.
SS

I did find a link to some of your old posts.

SKM Chronicles

It's on the old forum which doesn't display as well, but what it says is what is important .



I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.

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