Exactly.

Affairs within the military are quite common. Their superiors will want to help you break the two affair partners up. Permanently.

Truthfully, it was my idea as a temporary solution until their careers diverged.

Understood. But why are you okay with it?

I'm speaking from my experiences in the military, not from any notions I have about the subject.

I'm not fully ok with it. Neither is she. We are trying to come up with a solution. She may just decide to walk away from the job and cut her losses.

JohnW,

I have not read further than this statement by you John if her career ends it WILL be by her choice. Please Oh! Please don't tell me that she does not know about the regs on having affairs. If she is high ranking, then she KNOWS about those regs and she and OM have chosen to violate them. That was HER CHOICE AND HIS CHOICE. If her career were to end over this, and I doubt that it would, then it was by HER choice.

You frankly have no say in whether her career ends or it does not. You as a citizen have the responsibility to make sure taxpayer fraud is reported. You as a human being have a responsibility to OM's W to let her know what you know. She is being exposed to the risk of STD's, if not by your W, then by some other woman he has/is or will run with in the future.

JohnW, I suspect you think this is about revenge. It is not. It is about protecting your family. I suspect that if she were to renew the affair, or have another one, the marriage is over and your family torn apart. How will you feel if you could have prevented that.

As an earlier poster mentioned, she did it because she WANTED to and figured she would NOT get caught. She will have other opportunities given her career, are you going to spend your life checking? You will until and unless some hard realities are faced. Her superiors will notify her that she must end it and not do it again. If she does it again, she is gone. Now, she is on notice, not by you, but by her superiors. She has a reason to worry when she travels and you cannot check on her. Her vows don't seem to mean much to her, perhaps her career will.

Young man, you need to protect your family. If you have better ways to do it, then please enlighten us. No matter what you decide it will only affect: you, your children, your W, OM's W, and her children. As for us here? Nope it won't affect us other than we hate to see the pattern continued, and believe me you are in a very (sadly) familiar pattern.

Keep talking and thinking but a very minimum requirement is that OM's W know of the affair, and that will probably not protect you from another affair with someone else.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

John,

Former military here. You MUST tell OM's wife. It's necessary to enforce no contact.

Look, I know you are giving your WW the benefit of the doubt because you want to believe her more than anything. But wayward wives lie. They lie in a big way and do it soooo well.

She is lying. It's what waywards do.

Do as you wish, but I predict you'll be back here in a few months telling us all we were right and that you should have exposed to their superiors AND exposed to OM's wife.

Why do I say that? Because we've seen it so often that it's predictable. A man in your situation doesn't listen, feels he knows best, feels he knows his WW better than we do, and then gets burned by not exposing.

We've seen this movie a dozen times.

At a minimum, absolute 100% minimum, you MUST expose to OM's wife.

Wow can I just say one thing? You are fogged BS.

By not telling the OMW you are doing exactly this....

Lets say you decide to stay in MB and 10 years down the road you hear a sad story where a BW comes on here to post her story, her story is this....

Her husband has been cheating on her for 11 years he is in the military, she found out that he had 6 different woman he has slept with, an now the result of that is her and her baby has HIV. Then you read her saying "I wished that someone had told me about my cheating husband, I could have saved my life and my baby."

Is that the guilt you want to live with??

IS IT!!??

You say all this stuff how your stitch is different..well guess what? IT'S NOT!!

So get your balls back form your wife and expose this affair to there employee and save that POOR woman from more pain.

P.S that story is true by the way...I did not make that up! I read it!

Is OM an officer? I believe you said earlier that she worked for him.

Your WW is about to retire and be promoted to E-9 soon? Is that right? If she's hanging on for an E-9 retirement she would need to be committed for another three years after promotion. Do you realize that? Retiring earlier than that would be at the E-8 rate.

You missed the point of the clip. The fact that the man hid his wife's affair [as you are doing] resulted in an ongoing affair. Just like you, he didn't expose the affair so it didn't end. The affair became more entrenched and the WW has now left her H. That was a result of his keeping the affair a secret just like you are doing; enabling the affair.

By helping them keep their secret from their employer and your wife's other victim, the OMW, you are enabling the affair. As Dr Harley said, "it is very hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler."

I am to say that the exposure you have done will not end the affair, thats who. And the reason? It has not been exposed to the 2 targets who have the most influence: the workplace and the OMW. Your "exposure" is meaningless and ineffective - it won't stop the affair. It is just window dressing. You even admit they will still be in touch via email and phone, so you can't claim the affair is over. It is not.

All that has happened here is the equivalence of the alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "workplace drinks" and imagining he will sober up. He will not. Nor will your wife sober up as long as she is still in touch with her boyfriend. She will be triggered with every contact and soon enough, physical contact will resume.

You are essentially protecting them from the consequences of the affair and thereby protecting the FOG. And no, she was not brought back to reality, I assure you. That is your wishful thinking. As long as her affair is protected at work and protected from discovery by her other victim, she will remain in the fog.

You are protecting the OM and the affair with your strategy. For absolutely no other rationale than you want to protect your wife's career at all cost. That makes no sense.

It is also mean and reckless to not inform the OMW. She cannot protect herself and her children from your wife and her H if she doesn't know.


If her career ends, it will be over her adultery. She doesn't get a choice about that. That choice should be in the hands of the military, not your foggy wife. She truly forfeited her right to make a choice when she chose to commit adultery on the job. She is not qualified or able to use good judgement in this situation.


I�m sure you�ve read Harley�s opinion on affairs. That we are all wired for them, and are but a step away from having one. The fact that they are in the military makes them no different. My WS is still a human being and she struggles with the same dilemmas as everyone else. Everyone thinks the military should be held to a higher standard. It�s hard to hold over 1.5 million Americans to a higher standard.[/quote]

Yes, of course she should be held to a higher standard. She is invested with more responsibility than other Americans therefore she has a higher standard. The fact that we are "all wired for an affair" does not negate anything I said or mean she is fit for that job. Your wife is a loose cannon who is unfit for her position.

Many, many people lose their jobs as a result of affairs, your wife is no different. Pastors, teachers, managers, etc, lose their jobs. People that abuse their positions should lose their jobs. In my company, workplace affairs are grounds for automatic termination. We don't want to employ cheaters.They are loose cannons. Do you think our investors CARE if "we are all wired for an affair?" No, they don't. They want responsible people who behave professionally in the workplace.

Your wife is not entitled to her job, John and her employer, the US government is the only one qualified to determine if she is fit for employment. She is not too special to suffer the consequences of her reckless behavior. You harm HER by helping her hide this from her employers.


And that is a good thing. If your wife and the OM lose their careers over their bad behavior, that would be a blessing, not a curse. Consequences are good, not bad. Everyone would benefit if your wife and the OM lost their careers as a result of their reckless behavior. The military would benefit, your marriage would benefit, your wife would benefit personally.

What is more important? For your wife to learn to her lesson, save her marriage and become a better person or her career? I would assert it is the former..

I'm sorry but this point just makes me sick every time. Not only do they have the affair but then they rut with no protection. Adult people doing the stupidest most dangerous things. Probably the hardest thing for me to get over.

John,
I just wanted to reiterate something. After I confronted my E-7 wife about her first affair, she was beside herself with guilt, remorse, and shame. She literally spent several days running to the bathroom and throwing up. She told me that she felt like committing suicide for what she had done and thanked me daily for not giving up on her. Given the strength of her reaction and renewed dedication to the marriage, I rejected all advice to expose to her chain of command. But none of that reaction lasted once she deployed and had male servicemembers hitting on her again.

She just assumed I would never find out about the second affair or just assumed there would be no consequences in case I did find out. She was actually trying to convince me that we should adopt a child WHILE she was screwing this OM. I wondered for a long time whether I could have saved it had I exposed after the first affair.

Regardless of whether or not you expose to the chain of command, do you believe the OMW has no right to know the injustice committed against her by your WW? Or as a human being are you obligated to tell her?

I had two EA's when the first one happened and wheels found out I was doing exactly what your wife is doing, guess how long it lasted till I found another EA? TWO MONTHS!!!!

If you do not fully expose then you will be right back with 2dday.

p.s I feel that the OMW is OBLIGATED to know the truth.

So you are saying, you busted her, she admitted the affair, and then she went ahead and had sex with him anyway. The reason you didn't expose in the first place is the whole reason they were able to "consummate" their affair, and the reason the affair will be allowed to continue instead of being struck a death blow. Affairs are addictions and if she were able to end it on her own, she would have never had sex with him. Sure it may die down for a while, but unless you expose it, it will always be ready to reignite. Remember, CONSEQUENCES are what gets people to change their behavior. If there was no consequence to her affair, she is more likely to continue her behavior.

I have not heard one story on here where exposure ruined someone's marriage. WSs ALWAYS get over it. Think of it this way, if you can get over her screwing another man, she can get over you exposing it. It will blow over. The reason you won't do it is because of fear. Well, fear is what is going to keep this affair alive.

And honestly, I am usually quite disappointed with the military's handling of affairs anyway. Likely, nothing will come of it other than being given a cease and decist order. It usually comes with no further consequences to their careers. And what's more important anyway, her career, or your family?

Sack up, get over your fears, and put an end to this. Contact OM's wife and OM's and WW's COs. This will be over and you won't have to worry about it anymore.

This is precisely why your wife wouldn't lose her career. Given that she is an E9 it won't matter about promotion becaue she can't go any higher. The worst they would probably do to her is make her retire, but I doubt that given the supervisor/subordinate situation. Kinda makes me wonder how many other women of lower rank the guy is screwing.

Also makes me wonder why you are so afraid to do anything about him. This guy could have cost you a lot of money and time with your children and you do nothing? If it were me, I would ensure that he was courtmartialed for fraternization and lose his rank and hopefully be forced to retire at a lower grade.

You don't do this and your wife will see that there was practically no consequence to her affair, that you basically rolled over, perhaps you should read the carrot and the stick of Plan A. You don't take action and you'll be setting the stage for an affair in the future.

BTW, just like some of the other posters, I am former military.

I still go back to priority number one being to tell the OM's wife and put the workplace exposure on her.

That leaves room for a couple best case scenario's...

1. OM's wife makes OM retire/quit leaving John's wife free to finish out her career

2. OM's wife exposes at the workplace and some or a lot of crap hits the fan...NONE OF WHICH can be blamed on John. Exposing to OM's wife is the moral and ethical thing to do. He HAD TO expose to her, therefore any workplace exposure that results from that isn't John's "fault"...it's OM's wife's "fault".

3. Buys him some time until he's progressed to the point of doing workplace exposure himself or his wife, in recovery, decides she wants to retire/quit on her own. Their recovery will be enhanced by the fact his wife CHOOSES her consequences and takes them like a good soldier for the benefit of the marriage (just compensation) versus having consequences imposed upon her by her husband.

Just some thoughts...not necessarily right.

Mr. W

If I didn't tell my wife's lover's wife... She would probably still see him (maybe just to talk or provide him instruction to be faithful, etc--but it would of turned back into an affair).

John,

My H and I are both retired Army Colonels. My H was on track to be a general officer when I discovered his affair with an E-7 in the same unit. We are currently recovering our marriage by applying MB principles. I found out about MB after reading "Surviving an Affair" about 3 weeks post D-day.

One thing we have found out in the last nearly 3 years is that deviation from the MB basic concepts does not serve us well and slows our marital recovery. Our marriage continues to improve and is becoming the one we both want it to be.


Regarding exposure: I exposed the affair to OWH within the first 2 hours of finding out about it. He was not surprised. The OW's previous affair partner was the two star commander of the same unit. OWH found out about that affair, but did not expose because both his wife and the general begged him not to. A few months later, OW was involved with my H, first in an EA and then PA. Exposure to OWH was beneficial because it was another set of eyes on OW and my H. After many rumors in the workplace (You can bet there are rumors about your wife and her OM. People are not dumb.) and post D-day and three weeks, my H self-reported to his commander. The command initiated a 15-6 and my H gave a sworn statement admitting to the affair. Other than this statement, there was no concrete evidence to punish with H or OW. OW asked H to retract his statement. H refused. It this point, it was important for him to attempt to regain his INTEGRITY. (I do not know what service your wife is, but if she has had a long-term career in any branch, this should be a concept that she is SUPPOSED to possess). The command punished my H and OW by taking 1/2 month's pay for 2 months, letter of reprimand, and H was dis-enrolled from an advanced school. My H was not removed from his job. However, he knew he was ineffective in his job and he applied for retirement and left the work site 3 months after d-day. OW continues to work in same place. However, because the affair was exposed, I feel relieved that other people have fair warning that she is a danger to their marriage.

I commanded Army units my last seven years on active duty. During this time, I saw few instances of severe punishment for an affair. BUT, even if there is no punishment, the command can separate the affair partners and order no contact between them. Currently, your wife has a very convenient excuse to stay in contact with her affair partner. There is no way you can recover your marriage if they stay in contact. Her affair will just continue, even if they are not in physical contact.

Bottom line:
1. Expose affair to other man's wife and others who can exert pressure to end the affair.
2. Expose the affair to the command. Let the command proceed with whatever kind of action they wish to persue.
3. Ask your wife to hand-write a no contact letter that you will approve and mail. Her response to this requirement (not request) will be very telling. My H was very reluctant to do this and it should have been a monstrous red flag for me. I was, like you, convinced that he seemed dedicated to reconciling with me. What he really wanted was to have it all; me, his family and her on the side.

There was a military wife on the radio show earlier this week. Dr. Harley said something along the lines of, "...like so many of those who are unfaithful, when he (husband in this case) is not being held accountable, he strays. Nothing works as well as exposure and extraordinary precautions to make infidelity humiliating and difficult to arrange. Covering up an affair only makes another affair more likely."

If you want to read a long history my and H's marriage, look on the "Casualties of War" thread and "Recovery - Take Two".

I hope things work out for you. You have been forced to take a ticket on the rollercoaster ride that no one wants to be on.

AM