Advice:

BUY THIS BOOK *link*

Read it aloud, taking turns WITH your husband.
One chapter every few days.
Discuss as you go along.

Your M is salvageable.
Do the work.

A bazillion-and-a-half.

Though, Pep, I believe that were you to wrap that "curiosity" issue back around to MB, what we are going to acknowledge is that the curiosity was built by inappropriate behavior with male co-workers - the lack of boundaries.

*edit*
I have had the curiosity about other women previously in my life, but it was my lack of boundaries - letting the conversation get too personal, too lose - that lead that draw to develop. In my case, I told my FWW that I realized that I could, indeed, fall into an affair if I were in the wrong situation. I did that at about the same age as this young lady. It wasn't that I had never been with anyone other than my FWW (met at 17, married at 21), but the fact that I let women at work get to close to me. I let that continue for some time, but never; called, texted, emailed, or spent time alone in a "private" space - and all of that was intentional. It was a dangerous game.

*/edit*

"What would it be like to x/y/z with OM/OW" is a natural consequence (in a coworker situation) of spending too much of a work day having personal and/or intimate conversation with coworkers of the opposite sex. That consequence is partially driven by age and experience, but more heavily driven by...?

Boundaries.


The placement of this young lady's cranium is really only relevant to her overindulgence in male attention.

Curiosity is just there.
I think curiosity is innately human.
Just observe little kids in their natural state. (when they don't think others are watching)
But, you are right, the lack of boundaries gives curiosity opportunity for serious mischief.

Let's talk about other boundaries. Not sex, for a moment.

Some person, early 20's, might have a mild curiosity about smoking pot.
That curiosity about "what it feels like", just lies dormant for a long time, until an opportunity arrises.
Here is where you are more than correct, HHH.
Without a strict "no drugs" policy (a firm boundary if you will), there will probably be pot experimentation.


Everyone of us is curious about some experience we never tried.

We (H and I) try to talk our kids out of a variety of experiences for curiosity's sake Even the experiences I had myself.
Maybe those most of all

You are getting some great advice and posts by some of the most esteemed vets on this forum and for that you are lucky.

I noticed something in one of your posts. You said that you believe that it is OKAY to flirt with other men. You used this in the PRESENT tense.

Here is the quote from your first post
On occasional flirt is NOT okay. This is a boundary you are going to need to put up PRONTO.

Read all of the articles and concepts that are contained n this site and read SAA, along with other books. Learn what you can, ask questions here and POST OFTEN.

Let the people on this site guide you to where you need to be. When something they say offends you, look into WHY? Have they touched a nerve? Read the posts more than once, you may be surprised what you will learn.

As you read more on here you will realize how WRONG this statement is.

Flirting is a way of 'testing the water' and signaling to another person your sexual interest. Every single affair starts with poor boundaries and flirting!!!

Given your history, need for male attention and poor boundaries, it will be vital for you to understand how dangerous flirting really is so you can put an end to it at once.

Here is Anatomy of Adultery - How it starts.

Flirt with your husband.
Him, and him alone.


No.

Crikey I need to learn to not step away from my thread when you american's wake up! There's been some great advise in the last couple of pages, and I'm really thankful for that.

I was worried that coming here as a cheating wife I would just get flames, and I'm so glad that's not been the case.

- pepperband I think you�re my new favourite!

You�re right, immaturity has been one of the words BH and I have used too, and I think not just in terms of the attention seeking and affair, but other simple aspects of our marriage such as house work and finances. Though one thing is for sure, going through something as painful as this certainly opens your eyes to consequence and what�s really important in life. I hope that I will mature as a result of this, and I feel as though I already have.

As for what I want to be when I am a fully grown woman, this is also something BH and I have talked about (good to know we�re on the right track!), not specifics as I think I need time to think about what I want to be, but we have said that who I end up being will be largely dictated by who I want to be, and we both agree I don�t want to be who I am right now.

Generally comments for everyone!

Re work (and seeing the OM), I have suggested handing in my notice, on multiple occasions, but each time BH and I talk about it we agree that the financial strain if I lost my job would put too much pressure on us. We would lose our house. I am however looking for another job, have applied for some and have an appointment to speak with an agent on Friday.

Re reading up. I have read a large number of articles and threads on here and other websites, some more useful than others, and BH has purchased the book for us to read through together. I also saw another book by our counselling service today but we are waiting for Surviving an Affair to arrive to make sure it�s not the same thing twice.

Also re being offended - I was a more than a little worried about coming on here, specially when I saw some of the posts in BHs thread, as I thought it might be a bit of a flaming session, but i'm really glad to see that everyones posts have been constructive. Obviously there are some that are harder to read than others, and I've been frustrated by some, but all in all it's been great to hear both sides.

In my early twenties a female manager at work went through a divorce and suddenly started wearing low-cut blouses and undergarments that emphasized her bosom and acting flirty toward several of us twenty-something males. She was in her forties or so.

We were not impressed, let me tell you. It was discussed.

Extremely unbecoming for a manager to act that way toward lower-level workers. In fact in retrospect that was probably grounds for a sexual harassment complaint.

Mrs.BHunt,

One reason you are probably not feeling flamed is because you actually seem to be listening.

It's funny, you are thankful and encouraged....and then a justifying WS comes and thinks the same advice is "mean."

Keep being honest, give your DH time time time and empathy. Follow the good advice you are getting.

Thanks Tawandabelle, I guess I just want as much help as possible!!

Speaking of help, I've been drafting my letter of NC, but I'm not really sure how much it's supposed to say - is it supposed to be polite? ask them to respect our decision or tell them to F off? do I go into detail? or is it as simple as "leave me alone now"

at the moment, it is as follows (names removed):


edit to add - BH is going to have a look at this tonight too, I have text him it but he is out at the moment and I am keen to hear your opinions?

I would leave out all the stuff about your DH not being sure. I would tell him that you have realized that the choice to have an A was absolutely wrong, and then pick up with the no more texts, etc. sentence.

I hate to say this, but I am a newlywed and a former bw (divorced b/c of my xh's narcissism and his repeated affairs) and I do not buy your excuse Mrs. B Hunt, of simply saying "you don't know how to stop" and that if my dh of six months had done this to me, there would be either a quickie divorce or an annulment.

You like attention. And you also damn well know how to stop flirting. I was a single gal for seven years, and know myself, that if you keep your pants up and your dress down you won't get into any trouble. Compound your cheating, with your cheating AT WORK, and you may get fired too.

Sorry, but in this case, with the time being married here being less than one year and this rampant cheating going on, my thoughts are your H moves on and finds somebody who has good boundaries, believes in fidelity, and doesn't think that flirting when married (or even when in a relationship with somebody else) is a good thing.

Usually I'm 100 percent on board with the "lets work this out" and never say this, but seriously, as a newlywed myself, knowing that less than one year of marriage my partner was NOT ONLY cheating blatantly with the opposite sex, but having sex with MULTIPLE partners, his butt would be out the door and I'd have him served the next business day the law office is opened for business.

Never took you for a closet humanist, Pep!



But, that's pretty much it. It's not enough to just leave something at curiosity - keep sniffing the chocolate bar, and soon enough you are going to take a bite. Best bet is to just stay the he77 away.


Oh, you will slip. Just keep in mind that it's loving correction and not pure, gleeful abuse at your cost.


Until the books arrive, I suggest you two read the 4 part "Coping With Infidelity" Q&A articles.

Geez. Everybody has curiosity. But ACTING on it is what separates those mature vs. those who are immature.

Marriage is for those who are mature, understand that love is fluid, and that marriage has to be WORKED at, it will not always exist in the original super-heightened extasy state forever, but that it is wonderful, when treated as a priority and a SOLEMN vow. YOU give the MARRIAGE attention and it will remain loving and something you both treasure.

There are really attractive guys around me in this city. I work with a few really cute physicians too, but I RESPECT my dh and our marriage, and I don't even try to ever cross a line. Not at all. I VALUE my marriage, LOVE and RESPECT my H too much, and also know that "OTJ" relationships don't work.

If there are no children, a very short time married, and already MORE THAN ONE affair partner before the first wedding anniversary, I simply do not think the future bodes well for Mrs. Hunts' relationship.

We have our first counselling appointment tonight, and it leads me to wondering what I have done.

Not what have I done wrong, by god do I know that! but what have I done since, to make it better.. have I really done anything?? Apart from keep the house tidy, get on anti depressants, sort my finance out and read a hell of a lot about what I need to do in future.. I don't know if I've done as much as I should have.

I've struggled with knowing what to do or say. I'm hurting, but he's hurting more, and it's my fault, so do I show that I'm hurting, or step back and hide that side of me. I desparately want him to come home, but I know he needs to be away for a while to work out what he wants.. so do I just wait for him?

I know I need to give him time, and I know that the amount of time depends entirely on him, but what do I do in the mean time except wait? I feel like I should be doing more, but I don't know what that more should be!

I wrote him a letter today to try and put some things down, but the more i re read it, the more it sounds so selfish, it's all about me and what i'm going to do and how i want to change.. and although this is my fault, surely this time should be about him.. do I hold off, give it him at a later date, when he's made his final decision? or will giving him it HELP him make his final decision.

today is a bad day

Hello MrsBH,

Why don't you start with letting us take a look at the letter and go from there...

It's really important to set the tone of what your BH can expect from you from this point forward in a positive way and avoid giving him any hint that it is still about you and your pain.

I know you would not do that intentionally but it could to him while he is so vulnerable.

Right now you want him to know it's about him...

and you trying to help him.

Jim

As a BS, I can say that I would have appreciated seeing a little remorse. Not that I wanted to rub it in my wife's face (well, sometimes I did ) but just to receive some empathy would have been nice.

So, no, don't hide your feelings. Isn't that how you got in this mess to begin with? I would caution that you don't portray yourself as a victim when speaking with your husband. Not that you would intentionally do it, or consider yourself to be the victim here, but sometimes we all get into the pity-party or "woe-is-me" mode.

Jim - as BH is a member here I can't really post the letter up until he has read it.. so i guess i'm still stuck!

Thanks Northwood, I think I am struggling to hide how upset I am anyway, so hopefully showing a remorse wont be too difficult, and I am trying to be very concious of the victim thing, particularly as my husband worries alot about my mental health and I don't want to worry him as much as anything else.

Well, think about this for a second; if your husband had hurt and betrayed you horribly, would you want him to smile all the time, like what he did wasn't a big deal, or would you want to know that he has remorse - that doing what he has done - to you - actually affects him, too?

At times, I almost believe that FWW hurts more about all of this business than I do.

I can tell you that at times, the tears aren't going to do much. He may be cold to your pain at times - but that is because he stands there and knows that YOU CHOSE THIS. He did not.

Some of those tears will make it through. Some of that pain he will comfort you through.

Just remember, it ain't about you. You had your turn, and when you let it be about you, you harmed your spouse.

Be there for him, be available, be present. Be silent when you must, and supportive when you can.

MrsBHunt, maybe you feel this way because you are making excuses. Read on...

That's your main problem, alright. You have had no boundaries around your relationship with other men. You have not had a sound boundary to protect your marriage as something valued.

Try again. Try: "then suggestions were made and things started to go I chose to let things go too far."

From some of what you've said on this & your subsequent posts, it seems like you want to own your conduct. But you need to own it fully. When people have affairs, like you did and like I did, there was no gun to our heads; no one slipped anything into our coffee that made us not responsible for our actions. You made a whole sequence of choices. Be sure that you're owning them fully. If you do, this will help your husband & give your marriage a better chance.

If you haven't started already, I suggest you get & read Surviving An Affair, preferably together with your husband.

When you are able to give your narrative (to yourself or to others) of how you got into affairs and that narrative no longer contains b.s. like that which I've highlighted, then you'll know you're making progress.