MarriedForever,

I sometimes feel as if everything I do comes back to bite me. I had FWH delete all the e-mails between he and OW, now I wish I had them so her H could see she was not the victim. Then I started going through everything I had saved between her and I, reading it once and deleting it. I had not done the same with the e-mails between OWH and I (yet), that is why I was able to quote some of his e-mails. My way of getting rid of the A, so we could heal.

Now I feel as if I should never have deleted all the sites I had bookmarks where I found her name. I will have to find them again if I am to prove to her H what she is doing, my word would not be enough and I understand that.

I just never thought of contacting him when I found them, because I thought it would be breaking NC and I didn't want to do that.

HU

HU:

Much of the "anger" from the OWH, is probably because he is realizing that his WW WAS a predator. And nothng has changed for him.

He THOUGHT his marriage was better from the date of your discovery of the A, and its ending between your FWH, and OW, and the date you contacted him. He thought this. It wasn't true. There was a HUGE maine in the path of his ship, and he just didn't know it. The mine was going to explode one day. Your phone call, or something else was going to trigger it.

Telling him was the right thing to do. Now the OW is trying to make it ALL YOUR FAULT, and your FWH fault.

There is NOTHING you can do about that.

He may have promised not to contact you anymore, but that was one of those promises that can and should be broken. It was a promise he made without all the facts.

He is realizing more and more the facts of this sitch. He has seen his WW go cold on him again. He has observed her behaviors in a new light, and is SURE that there is more to the story then has been presented.

Not withstanding that 12-14 months from Dday can be additional anger. Kicking the OM's butt is preferable to feeling "like I did nothing"

The letter was sent out of pain and frustration. None of that is your fault. It is his WW's fault, and your FWH's, for getting involved with her.

You should NEVER feel in second place to her. She is NOT more important.

If you decide to reply to his letter, Keep it simple, an apology from your FWH, that does NOT blame the OW. He got involved with her, and if your FWH tries to transfer some of the blame, it will more than likely provoke further responses from the OWH, protecting his WW.

Sorry about the trigger.

LG

Good thing you are a better writer then a golfer.

We decided to write him back, so here is what my H came up with and I approved. I know I will get some that say it is not enough or too much, but it is what we both felt comfy with:

OWH

I regret the delay in writing back. Honestly, it was not my intent to ignore you, but rather to try and find the appropriate words to handle this matter. I have struggled with the issue of breaking the no contact agreement but also understanding your need to find closure. I hope this reply will give you that.

First let me say that I will never contact your wife.

Second, there are no words to express my remorse for what happened. I don't think there is a need to go into it further, as I feel that adding unnecessary words would only dilute the true meaning. Suffice it to say that I sincerely apologize for all that happened.

I hope that this email will bring you the closure you seek and that your healing can begin in earnest.

In order for everyone to truly move forward, and feel secure, I believe that at this point we need to affirm the no contact agreement you made with my wife and not communicate with each other again.

My H

Where is the offer to answer the BH's question about the affair?

How is this BH going to put this behind him if he can't compare WW and WH stories to get at the truth?

His WW is treating him as a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed shmanureit.

The Road - What OWH needs cannot come from HU and her husband. There is NOTHING they can say or do that will heal this man.

They can only harm their own family by trying.

Some people cannot be put back together. You keep stalking about "amends" HU's husband needs to make to OWH - but here's the thing - the healing balm this man seeks is not a currency HU's husband has the ability to pay.

Some things just can't be set right, but we can sure as h*ll screw them up worse by trying.

No Contact for Life.

I wouldn't send this man anything beyond the very brief letter that has just been posted, REITERATING no contact for life.

Edit to add: what this man needs can only come from his unrepentant wife - and since he's not getting the currency of adequate remorse and amends from HER, he's seeking it from inappropriate sources. His bad - His sad lesson to learn that even if he could pound HU's husband to a pulp, and escaped a prison sentence for so doing, he would not find peace.

Subconsciously he knows what his wayward wife is to the core. She is destroying him even now by continued waywardness. He will not find peace until he directs his rage where it belongs in the present time.

KaylaAndy,

Thank you so much for understanding. Basically what this man wanted was an apology and reassurance FWH would never contact OW again. I think he got just that. I did not want to open the door for this man to be in our lives right now. I want to continue to recover.

I feel bad he is not getting this from his wife, but she has issues and sadly we cannot fix those.

I just want to be left alone,

Again thank you for what you wrote, it made me feel a lot better.

HU

HU,

I think the letter/email your H sent or will send is exactly the right thing to do. I reaffirms his remorse, it seeks to end contact with OM, and also reaffirms no contact with OM. Just EXCELLENT.

I am glad that you and your H did this. I also think that that OWH was not so much attacking you, but trying to figure out how to gain some self-respect. Note he wanted to kick your H's A$$, a manly thing to do and one that would/could lead to some measure of self-respect. Instead he did not do that, leaving him little action to take to gain his self-respect, so he wrote in his anger. Your H's apology hopefully will allow OWH some measure of self-respect because he at least "forced" an apology from your H.

OW's H is struggling and his letter is an indication of this. Don't take it personally and frankly the fact that your H sent this letter reflects well on him. He needs to regain some self-respect as well.

You all handled it as well as could be expected.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL,

We prayed on it and read all the post on here minus a few. What did it for me was remembering my anger about a year out and I ranted about what I was going to do, not that I did any. I also had this place to come to and vent. I doubt he has anything like this.

It was something my husband wanted to do, but knows I need time to process things. As soon as I was ready I told him to go ahead and I would be OK.

HU

Well another two came, one saying things to my FWH about me and rambling on about things that made no sense.


I think you were right, if another comes through we will block him.

HU

Half Unit, I posted this to you on the 17th - I'll repost so you can see what I had to do:



Please do not respond to anything he sends you, and do block him.

The OWH in my sitch also began insinuating to my H that he and I were having a revenge affair. The fact that you have chosen to remain with your WH may be enraging him because he wanted you to punish your BH by leaving him.

It's pretty much impossible to communicate with someone like this.

There is a good possibility that he is getting drunk and doing this while he is drinking, if the message was rambling.

Save everything he sends or any messages you get from him.

Thanks MB, that is what we are going to do. I read what you wrote to my H and he agreed that blocking him was the best policy as we do not need him popping up every few months.

It has really caused a set back for me, so I am starting IC next week as is our daughter.

HU

I understand, sweetie. It was very upsetting when it happened to us, as well. But it gets better, you'll see.

HU