I will try to keep it short, however, if anyone is having to post on the Surviving an Affair forum, I don't think it will be sweet.

I have been a lurker for about 1-1 1/2 years now. I am aware of the Basic Concepts and have much in common with all the BS here. My H is in the military, and we (well him especially) seems to be in recovery. I mention this, as I know I can list in the other forums, but choose this one as to get more "insight" as it seems to be the most frequented forum.

My H had an EA in 1999 with another airman, another with a "old" highschool friend June-July 09, both while deployed short term for training. He had an EA turned PA July 09-Oct 09 with a fellow airmen on deployment. I knew of the affairs almost immediately. A little intuition, command notification and him telling me all brought it to light. yes i am a spouse that was actually told by the leadership for both of the mentioned above. As the chaplan pointed out, he just cant understand "why I was the wife that was told?". I do have my thoughts on this, and those reason make me sick to my stomach.

Ok, fast forward it past the year deployment 09-10, husband returns in July 10, we move to another station in Sep 10 (where he thought it would be paradise...to only realize it is a nightmare 'cause he failed to think of the impact on family/ie dd medical needs), we are trying to recover and am in MC, and we are on the edge of having him formerly diagnosed with Aspergers. While he was gone for his deployment, my oldest child was to be evaluated for similar compulsive mental health issues (and I must add she has a neurological disorders that affect her muscles).

Honestly, I am looking forward to a diagnosis either to confirm or eliminate this. I have lived in a world of complete confusion and loneliness for about 13 years now. It will not excuse his behavior, however it will give me insight of whether or not to try to move on with this relationship. This new tentative observation is why I finally decided to come out of lurking mode.


So this is what I ask: Is there anyone out there that is in a relatonship with someone that has Aspergers? And are you successful with the MB approach? Can you offer any insight on this?

Welcome to the forum. Hopefully someone with experience with this condition can add some insight into your situation, but, in the meantime, can you clarify what you meant in the quote above? Did you suspect some type of abuse or assault?

Hi Northwood,

Well to respond to your request to clarify:

I was immediately approached with "alternative" approach to our marriage. I could remain married on paper for all the benefits, but live a single lifestyle with my children. I was informed that I would have no problems with being sought after by other males. The chaplain did not know I was approached by a number of individuals that had found out and were "eager" to inform me. I apparently have the look, brains, and personality that others find desirable. I believe I am desireable in many ways, however, I WOULD NEVER APPROACH ANYONE IN THIER TIME OF CRISIS TO HIT ON THEM....that is what makes me sooooo sick to my stomach. My loss was what they thought was thier gain....yuk, yuk, yuk!

Aspergers is a form of High Functioning Autism and one of the common symptoms of this diagnosis is difficulty dealing with social situation.

I believe that it could be a factor in spouses making bad affair decisions.

My wife suffers from HFA and I think it contributed to her choice to have an affair.

No excuse but I think it can involved.

Oh, ok. I just wasn't sure what you meant and didn't mean to sidetrack you from your initial question re: Aspergers.

So the affair(s) are over and your husband is no longer stationed with these women? If he was able to have a social life, join the military and marry you, are we to assume that his condition is very minor and you're wondering to what degree the infidelity was aided by his condition?

It is not Asperger's, but I have bipolar disorder and had an A during a manic episode. While hypersexuality and impulsive behavior are traits of mania.....I think the best thing for me was to NOT couch what I did in the mania. In the real world, I have to choose to make right choices anyway. A diagnosis is very helpful from a living day to day standpoint, but I would resist the temptation to give all the "blame" to the disorder.

Some people do not agree with this, but I actually would rather be responsible for my actions than live as if I was prisoner to this disease, unable to "help myself."

My son was DX'd with Aspergers (low on the spectrum), and both my H and I believe that he probably has it as well (undiagnosed, also low on the spectrum).

Looking back, I do believe that this played a part in his A, and his decision making overall when it came to the opposite sex and social situations, and his ability to "read" behaviors and intentions.

Although, I don't think the Aspergers was the only factor, because face it, with good boundaries, A's don't happen, and my H did not have good boundaries with women.

Thanks for the responses so far!

Bottlerocket: I totally agree that Aspergers isn't the only factor, but it sure does give me the aha moments. Boundaries are the controls. I have good boundaries, he has lousy ones, and as long as he is "with" me he remains in boundaries that are efficient, however, when he is away, it takes approximately 3 weeks for him to "forget/cross" the boundaries. Have you made successful changes with working with your son (and h) on social interactions?

TB: I do expect him to be responsible for his behavior and his choices. This is ultimately impacting his relationship with his children, especially our ds who is very much Neuro-typical. He thinks daddy doesn't love him, and daddy gives him very confusing messages.

NorthWood: He is no longer stationed with these OW. They all happened on deployments away from his "home" routine. They have been exposed. As far as having a social life....my H is the odd one and it has been difficult for him to make it as far as he has in his career. As far as the relationship with me, we were able to "work" it through without too much conflict, that is until we had children. I will say that this label has given me a little sense of "well, that explains alot!".

About 8 yrs ago, when we would meet someone that I found interesting and wanted to socialize with them, I started giving a pre-cursor of an apology for my h and his behavior. He would laugh and say really. We have only 3 sets of freinds. All of these freinds happened within these years, and have told me time and time again, it was that upfront notice I gave them allowed them to see past my h oddness.

I know I am being longwinded and bouncing around. I am just trying to process all of this. It is bad enough my h had an affair, now I have to process that he just might be telling the truth when he says he doesn't know why and how and he really didn't know that was the persons intentions...(I say this because it has been verified, the OW military were the aggressors and they thought he was in a position to "help" them). it went to far before he could say no. yuk, yuk, yuk...

LOTD,

Let's talk first about Autism Spectrum Disorder (such as Autism Disorder, Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Pervasive Developmental Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified, or Asperger's Disorder, or Rett's Syndrome). These disorders range from mild in nature to quite severe, and can impact people in a number of ways.

Some people with ASD may not be verbal, others may be quite verbal. ASD are characterized by disorders in communication and social realms, as well as sensory issues. And within those realms, each issue can range from severe to mild, from person to person. So every person with ASD can be quite different from the next. You could put 100 people diagnosed with an ASD in a room, and no two would look the same in terms of ASD, and yet, somehow, many would share the same clinical diagnoses.


Another thing that is very important to understand about ASD is that we often find within families of people diagnosed with ASD what we call "Phenotypes". These are people who do NOT have an autism spectrum disorder, but share many of the same characteristics or behaviors found in ASD diagnosed individuals. For example, you might have a child with ASD, and when you look at the child's immediate family, find a brother, sister, aunt, mom, or uncle with many similar characteristics

but NOT the disorder.


It is very possible that your husband is a phenotype, or that your child is a phenotype.

The diagnostician who is working with your family should look carefully at the other people in your family, to be sure of what everyone "looks" like in terms of ASD, to see how this plays out.

They could have ASD, and that is important to know, too. Just be sure of the diagnosis. Make sure that there is a TEAM doing the diagnostic work with the child, that more than one individual is involved in an assessment, and make sure that they all agree that an ASD is the correct diagnosis. Take your time, because while you want a diagnosis, getting a fast diagnosis is not as important as getting the RIGHT diagnosis.

I hope this helps.

BTW, "could" it be the Asperger's that led to the affairs?

Depending on the severity, it does lead to difficulty making judgements, and does definitely impact the ability to understand how another person feels about what is happening, how one's behavior impacts others, and definitely makes for a lack of empathy.

It also makes it very difficult for the person with Asperger's to take on the role of another person - to think "What would my wife think about this?" and to ANSWER that question with depth.

Persons with Asperger's do not do this as well as the typical population. It is a mark of the disorder.

Good reading to kind of get you "inside" autism spectrum thinking would be Temple Grandin's Thinking in Pictures.

There is a fair amount of sample on Google books.

*edit*

BTW/FYI; Temple Grandin, if you didn't know, is a HFA woman with a PHD in animal science who became kind of a sensation on Autism when she began speaking out about... well, how she as a high function autistic became a PHD and leading animal scientist.

Thank you all for your feedback! You know as a BS, still after so long, I am still trying to rationalize what has happened to me, and my family. I am still utterly devastated, and can't understand the "why".

We have had our MC and of course, what is the focus it seems to be "well LOTD, with this "observation" what is your thoughts now? Do you see WH and his actions differently?" I am screaming inside, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? There is no excuse for the evil, vile actions he and POSOW brought to us. However, I say outloud, Well, It has given me a sense of relief knowing that I am not crazy that my husband is odd and I have been shouldering most all of the emotional needs of our M. What he did crushed me and my children." that is what I could get out.

I have recommended that we do the MB, as it is somekind of "checklist" of to dos. Our Counselor is aware of the progam and said she agreed with the checklist idea, and then said, how is that going to impact the Emotional needs that you will always miss out on? That shocked me into a sense of hopelessness. I have been researching madly about Aspergers and marraiges, and also for children....and it seems that there isn't much hope. It seems that the Neuro-typical spouse always leaves broken in search of themselves again. It is amazing, i read their blog stories, and many of them are in the same timeframe as mine are (married 15+, had children later in marraige, and it was like the lightbulb went off for them). I have only found a few accounts of affairs written about. Apparently loyalty is a high trait for many with autistic spectrums....This makes me sad, cause, Loyalty was one of the first things about my WH that I fell in love with...no that is GONE!

I am very faithful, and I truly believe in the sanction of marriage, and I don't know if I could bring myself to divorce. I so desperately want to "feel" connected to someone. and NO, I don't have any desire to have an affair, emotional or physical. The thought literally makes me upchuck!

again, thanks for letting me vent...

Have you read any of the Maxine Aston books? You might do an Amazon search. It might be helpful I think--encouraging type helpful as well as helpful practically. It's been a while since I read anything of hers and she has newer so I wouldn't know what to recommend but it might help. Her books are on Aspie and marriage and relationships.

I don't know who suggested the alternative relationship...ick?

I do think my husband has boundary issues, yes, that contributed to his affair. He also isn't a great judge of people and their motivations and I think that contributed. That said, my husband wouldn't meet a diagnosis criteria by any stretch. He's probably a broader phenotype though and reading people, perspective taking, etc. is affected. My son is on the spectrum. My son also has a metabolic condition affecting his mitochondrial function.

My wife had an affair. Because she was mad at our marriage, suffers from depression, turning 40. She wanted to leave me, said so, tried to get me to understand for years.

My point is, she and her friends and siblings and therapist put a ton of effort into trying to diagnose MY personality disorder. I feel socially awkward sometimes. I enjoy being introverted. Not totally extroverted and not always the easiest to make friends. But they were determined that if they could find a personality disorder in ME, it would explain so much of my wife's unhappiness. I was labeled with OCD, Narcissist disorder, ADHD, sexual addiction, Aspbergers. By people that didn't really know me. By my wife's therapist who never met me.

I have considered an eval. However, I first got opinions from my own therapist and my physician. My personal talk therapist, after spending dozen of hours one-on-one, found it ridiculous that anyone thought I had Aspbergers. My physician (an expert in adult autism) scoffed at the idea. I am a salesman (makes me uncomfortable most of the time, but I cope and get my job done) I work with people all day. I have lots of meetings. I attend cocktail functions. I present to rooms filled with people. I am not attuned to people really well and feel awkward most of the time. But when you look at my life, it seems nearly impossible that I have Aspbergers.

My talk therapist says: You are sometimes socially awkward, you have some oddities, you had no training at all from your parents (shut in introverts with no friends and social skills), you can be robotic. You have none of those disorders. But I can help you learn to smile more, make eye contact, relax in social settings, laugh more, be attentive to your wife and children. And isolate and be introverted in a reasonable space and time because you deserve to recharge in your own way too.

Its very important to let the professionals diagnose. I appreciate the post above about making a TEAM do the diagnostic work. I also appreciate your attitude that finding the disorder does no excuse the behavior. You say that you never want to blame the disorder.

Proceed with caution. Do not look to the disorder as your explanation. Based on everything you said, apparently you have studied this a lot and want to take a measured, careful approach.

To help my H have better boundaries, we came up with a set of �rules� that really don�t look all that different from other�s EP�s.
- No one on one contact with members of the opposite sex, unless it�s an immediate female relative
- Re-defined flirting as it meaning that he/she is sexually available, and if one person isn�t available, then it�s off limits.
- He had a hard time discerning when a female was being �friendly� and when she was flirting, so if you take the �friendly� off of the table, then they never have to try to figure out if the female was flirting or not. We talked about how �friendly� is different from �polite�.
- If you wouldn�t do it or say it in front of your spouse it�s not appropriate
- If you wouldn�t do it or say it to your best male friend, then it�s not appropriate
(ie Would you give a �friendly� kiss on the cheek to your best male friend? No? Then it�s not appropriate to do to a member of the opposite sex, etc.)

These were written on a piece of paper that he kept in his wallet for several years, so as to revisit them as he needed them. My H may or may not understand �boundaries�, but he understood �rules�. And that�s what we created, rules for the safety of our relationship.

I also would speak with him about �what if� situations, so he would be prepared if they came up.

I also need to point out that I had a very repentant H, who was very motivated to understand the �why�, and once it was broken down to the simplistic idea of weak boundaries, he was very motivated to learn tips and tricks to strengthen those boundaries. I also tried to make the �rules� fairly general, so they would work in more than one type of situation, so he didn�t need to rummage thru his memory to figure out which rule fit which situation.

So far this is working for us, but honestly, I�m afraid for the day when he loosens his boundaries and I�m not there to point it out. Scares the crap out of me.

Bottlerocket,

I would be very interested to hear updates about how the MB material is working for you and your husband.

I've been seeing someone for a few months, and, although we've discussed Asperger's, I don't think it's his main issue. When he was born, his sagittal suture was fused, and nothing was done for him until he ran a high fever.

He doesn't know exactly what the internal pressure did to his brain, but we've talked about how the damage has had a huge impact on his life and his relationships.

A week ago today, we got back from a 10 day trip, and 50% to 75% of our entire time together was spent in silence. It was really hard for me, and I cried a lot out of confusion and frustration.

A couple of days ago, I found this article, and I could identify with most of it:

http://aspergeradults.ca/Blog/2009/02/do-aspies-really-feel-love-for-others/

In January, I wrote out my emotional needs, and asked if he would be willing to do the same. It really seemed to frustrate him, so I didn't press him to follow through.

I've been wondering if the MB materials can be used in a situation like ours or if my expectations are unreasonable?

Hi Isabeau!

The MB materials have been working really well for my H and I; although if you were to ask him, he�d say �What�s MB?�! Since the day I found this site, I have been sporadically introducing the concepts to him as things come up, and so far he�s buying into it, because it makes sense to him. He gets overwhelmed pretty easily, so doing this in spurts has been working well for us.

When we were discussing our emotional needs (in the beginning), I pretty much just figured mine out, and came up with specific examples of how he could meet those for me. I literally gave him a list:
Affection- hold hands, rub shoulders, big long hugs, light quick hugs, kisses, playing with my hair, love notes, etc.

Conversation- ask me about my day, utilizing some follow-up questions; tell me about your day, trying not to get frustrated if I ask for clarification; check in on the phone during the day during breaks; etc.

Basically I broke it down to the simplest terms for him. He wanted to meet my needs, but didn�t really know how too, so I gave him a roadmap, and directions! I even told him to maybe start with doing 2 things a day, until he got comfortable with that, then continue increasing per day/per week (or whatever), and eventually (at least I figure) it�ll be a habit. I tried to do whatever I could to help set him up for success, because the end goal was that WE BOTH wanted him to be able to meet my needs.

The other way around was a bit more difficult, because when I�d try to get his needs out of him he�d say �I want to be loved�, and when pressed for specifics, it was hard for him to explain. So, I set about to trying to discover it on my own with a lot of trial and error.
I also have been able to identify things within him that I knew were needs that he wasn�t able to really see or explain� like admiration and recreational companionship. He asks me �did I do a good job?� or �will you come out in the shop to work with me?�; it is because of what he consistently asks me and/or talks with me about, that I�m able to identify them, even if he cannot put them into words.

I absolutely think MB can work with Aspies, but I do think it depends on the individual, where they�re at on the spectrum, and what abilities/idiosyncrasies they have. I do not think that your expectations are unreasonable, but I do think that you may need to adjust them for your BF�s abilities. I also think that some sort of diagnosis would be helpful with that, for both of you.

Our relationship is still far from perfect, but we are so much better off now, than we ever have been, as we have knowledge and tools that we didn�t have before.

Good Luck!