My wife and I married October 30th, 2010. Yes only 4 months ago. Her mom passed away Nov 23rd. She doesn't work, while I'm at work she spends all day and all night at the neighbours house, and doesn't come home until 1am. The other night there was a gunshot on the street beside, so I took off to the neighbours to make sure my wife was ok. She wasn't there. She finally answered her cellphone, and wouldn't tell me where she was just that she was fine, and would be home later. I parked my car at the end of the street because I didn't want her to walk home alone from somewhere.
A car pulled up behind me, slowed down, then took off. I followed, and she called me on my cell saying that it was her, and she was with a friend of the neighbours. This friend of the neighbours is a recovering drug addict, who has hit on my wife in the past. I left. I end up staying at my parents house, when i spoke to my wife a couple of days later, she said she needed time alone, that shes never been on her own, and that she has to be alone to figure everything out. Little does she know, I know that she's over at the neighbours everyday all day still. I can't lose my wife.

unaembalmer, welcome to MarriageBuilders.

From your post, your W is displaying MANY affair-related behaviors and making statements directly from the wayward spouse (WS) manual.

I suggest you click "notify" at the bottom of the post screen, and ask the moderators to move this thread to the Surviving an Affair forum.

How long did the two of you date? How old are you? Are there any children in this marriage?

Four mere months into the marriage and she's screwing around on you. Are you SURE you want this marriage?

we dated for 3 years. i'm 27. no children. i don't think she's cheating, i believe her when she tells me she's not. but i am worried that she's developing feelings with this other guy. and yes, i am sure i want this marriage.

There are so many red flags for an A here, that you would have to work hard to convince me there WASN'T one ~ not the other way around.

I suggest you read the snooping thread. Once you are convinced there is an affair, then move on to the carrot and stick and all the other articles. Good luck!

Maybe your wife is doing drugs?
Get her tested as a condition for continuing this marriage.


Since she does not have a job, you can control the money she has to spend.
Do you have a joint account?
Do you have joint credit cards?

You need to visit the snooping forum on MB, and gain access to every move your W makes. Every call she makes/receives. Every text she sends. GPS her vehicle, if she has one. Do a semen test on her panties.

I know it feels unseemly, all that snooping and investigation.

But, your other option is to believe what she says, and THAT would be a critical error.
She is obviously making bad choices, and therefore you cannot rule anything out without knowing the facts as discovered by your snooping.

First of all, a married person does not stay out til 1 am with neighbors, then lie about her whereabouts. The first thing you need to learn is that people in A's will lie to their own mothers!

Do some investigating so that you know the facts. If you accuse her of an A before you have some things in place to monitor her, she will drive this further underground.

When you are dealing with potential A's, you have to assume the worst. You have plenty of people here to give you advice.

Based on what you wrote, there is a 99.9% likelihood that she is involved in a physical affair. This is especially dire since it is only 4 months into the marriage.

In my opinion, your best bet is just to walk away and chalk this up as a learning experience. But if you are dead set on trying to save this marriage, you need to collect your evidence and expose this affair. And unfortunately, then you have to sell your house or break your lease, and move. You cannot continue to live next to them.

Move back to your house immediately and then maybe consider a PI to get the proof you need.

Excellent advice.

Unaembalmer, please listen to these people. They are experts on the matter. Time is of the essence.

i'm sorry, i just refuse to believe that she's having an affair. its not a matter of denial, i know she wouldn't do that. she may be developing feelings for him though.

AN affair can be emotional .. or physical. Either way an affair is an affair and its consequences are the same.

Most of us said the same thing about our wayward spouses.

Here's your smoking gun: That's really all I'd need to get snooping. Those phrases are garden-variety wayward phrases.

Look at it like this: If you find nothing, you'll be comforted to know for sure.

If you find something, it's early into it and may be easier to kill than an A that has been going on for awhile.

Okay, but will you please still "inspect what you expect" by snooping. If you are convinced that she is doing nothing wrong, then it certainly won't cause any harm to check, right?

unaembalmer...I want you to think about something for me if you will...Do you think that any person who found out their spouse was having an affair believed them to be "the type" to do so? Do you think they married them saying, "Well obviously this person is going to eventually have an affair, but I'll just roll with it until it happens!"? That would be ridiculous, correct?

I am a FWW [former wayward wife] - neither myself nor my husband would ever have dreamed in a million years that I would make such a horrible choice, but I did...Adultery is an equal opportunity destroyer...

It sounds very much like your wife is having an affair, be it emotional and/or physical.

Please be smart about this and snoop. Will you do that unaembalmer?

Mrs. W

Allowing another person to meet your ENs ---> developing romantic feelings ----> emotional affair.

Once it goes EA, things usually progress VERY quickly to PA so get snooping so that you can move on to the next steps. Please don't waste time...

Developing feelings for someone is an affair.

You just told us she'd never had an affair and then turned right around and told us she may be having an affair.

My first thought was drugs.

Crank...crystal meth most likely.


Don't know why. Maybe the driving around with a known drug addict.

Maybe an affair of sorts too...since she doesn't work and wants to hide the addiction...she'll trade sexual contact for drugs.

You've got to figure out the truth about your life.

Mr. Wondering

Exactly, even if its drugs, there is almost certainly an affair to go with it. But her responses sound more like she is emotionally tied and with that much time to spend with her affair partner, its basically guaranteed to be physical.

I hope unaembalmer can stop refusing to believe something and get to work defending his marriage.

One of my favorite quotes goes something like this. "You can choose not to accept reality, but you cannot choose to avoid the consequences of that choice."

We don't say this to you to be harsh or make you feel bad. We do it to spur you to action because the earlier you verify and attack this problem, the better your chances of recovery. Your wife is sending up tons of red flags suggesting she is involved with another man, regardless of whether its still emotional or has gone physical.

And DO NOT sleep with your wife until after you have verified that she is not involved with a drug addict and has gotten a complete STD screen.