Another part of the fantasy is that their new life will be PERFECT once the D is final. PERFECT as in rainbows and butterflies every day, riches and wealth beyond belief, supportive family and friends, etc. Like everyone will say "Gosh, you made the PERFECT decision divorcing BS and choosing OP. You two are PERFECT for each other... soulmates...destined to be together forever."

That's what blows my mind. That they believe that their life will be PERFECT because they changed partners. Like by dumping their spouse, the stars will align, they will win the lottery AND a Nobel Prize, and everything they touch will turn into gold. Ahhhh.... PERFECT.

Yeah cuz waywards are perfect dontchaknow...They just needed to find the "perfect" soulmate to complete them...the BS was bringing them down and now that they found their perfect match in OP everything will be sunshine and roses....

Now those pesky BS' need to come around and let bygones be bygones and forgive and forget for the childrens sake..COME ON GROW UP BS'....

I mean my WH only ripped out my soul then proceeded to stomp on it until it was almost beyond repair...and still to this day he pokes at it and I am sure wonders how the heck it is even still alive at all after all he did to try and kill it...

While i was in the hospital after Dday, he tried so hard to make it perfectly clear the he did not love me anymore and didnt even think he ever did...and that now he has found the true love of his life, unfortunately he had been with her for two years and I accidentally found out about it. He just didnt have the heart to tell me before that, But now that I found out and am in the hospital after attempting suicide, well this is the perfect time make sure he pounds it into my skull that I mean nothing to him anymore and he has found his perfect soulmate...poor waynerd, he has had it rough. He really tried to make it easy on me. I mean he did wait until I was surrounded by doctors when he proceeded to rip my soul out....I mean why, why, why cant I just be friends with this guy for the sake of DS...

...and to this day he still tells me he never would want to be with a "sick" (depression) person and that my "sickness" is rubbing off on DS and making him want his father to come home still. I mean logically WH leaving has nothing to do with DS wanting hime to come home. Why why why can we all just not get along...NOT!

Stillhere,

Know that those half-hearted, refusing-to-accept-reponsibility-for-one's-actions type of apologies are all too common among waywayds. I too heard the "I'm sorry for the way things have turned out" and "I'm sorry for the way things are now" type of lame excuses as well. They are all about trying to placate or appease the BS with a halting expression of guilt/remorse without truly having to confess or repent for anything. Sort of like saying "I'm sorry you are disappointed that the weather today isn't cooperative."

The WS is just trying to win the BS's approval, validation, or at least acceptance of their affair, betrayal, and lies with this. It's just another manipulation all too common among unrepentant and unapologetic adulterers.

Here's another aspect that they never think of:

When my XWH was married, I don't think he realized what an attractive feature his marriage was for the low-life, no-self-respect, trashy loser gold-digging women he was dating (most of whom worked for him).

For them to get a married man to date them, it's a case of, "Oooh, look at this! He's MARRIED, but he's ignoring his wife for ME. He's lying to his wife for ME. That's how special **I** am! He's treating his OWN WIFE like she's nothing so he can be with ME instead! OOOH, I'M SO SO SPECIAL!!!!"

But not any more.

Now he's just another divorced loser trying to score some free a$$, just like 10,000 other guys in the same workplace or in the same bar or at the same party.

And he's also pushing 50 years old and is overweight and losing his hair. His wife never minded those things, but the hot cheap chicks he's so enamored with won't be so impressed.

Ah, well, it'll all be okay as long as his money holds out. As long as the hot cheap chicks think he'll spend his money on them instead of on his honor student son's college education, no worries. They'll keep hanging around and he'll keep thinking everybody else is just soooo impressed at all the p*ssy the old man gets. And he's made it clear he does not care about anything else in this world.

I told him once that in the end, I would have nothing left for him but pity. And I don't. I really don't.
Mulan

This sounds exactly like what my WW is thinking! Although she told me that she isn't counting on her relationship with the OM to last, the keylogger I installed shows that instead of looking for an apartment to move to (in two days!), she's been checking out the half-million $$ homes for sale in another community -- closer to where her kids live, no less.

With no job, no money, ruined credit and basically a suitcase of clothes to her name, her fantasy world is large and rich.

OM is about as likely (if he's even able, with four kids to support) to plunk down $$ for a fancy home for the two of them, health insurance for her, pay for her gas, food and child support and everything else she's not attending to.

The sheer insanity displayed by some of the people continues to astound.

Sometimes I think its just about winning. The OW in some cases really doesn't want them, but they just want to win. To prove that he will leave his W for her. Many times after they've won, they drop the WS.


It's the size of the wallet that matters. A big wallet allows the other shortcomings to appear insignificant.

OP doesn't care about WS's kids. Not their kids, so why would they? You are right about the money....one day he will be old, broke, and requiring care. Not too many singles want that package.

I totally agree with the above. OW wants to win a man away from his wife, WH wants a hot chick to impress, and the size of his wallet is the true object of OWs affection.

And OP doesn't care about WS's kids. But when WS stops caring about his own kids? OUCH.

In my case, this is WHs form of punishment to us for not going along with HIS fantasy. Ignoring ME is expected, but when the same happens to our kids it's hard to watch. I know my kids are better off NOT being around him when he's in his fantasy world. In fact, the last time they were together, the girls ended up in tears. But it pains me to no end that their relationship with him is "his way or the highway."

If he can't convince others of the fantasy of divorce, then he will bully them into going along with it.

Oh, boy are your right about the divorce being a very vicious Punishment for my refusing to go along with his fantasy of being married at home and single at work. I often feel that he didn't so much divorce me as he fired me, just as he would any other insubordinate employee.

But with DS21, it has been most shocking. He and his father used to be very close, but - like any other addict - XWH has surrounded himself with yes-people and totally cut out anybody who might criticize him.

I remain completely dark to what XWH is doing, but I do know how much time DS21 spends at home and at work and at school - and there has been less and less and less time spent where he could be with his father. This past holiday, he's been here with me and with his sister and her family who came in from out of town.

XWH has a huge ego and wants others to come to him and tell him how wonderful he is. He lives for this, and I have a feeling he is largely ignoring DS21 in hopes this will force DS to come crawling to Daddy for some attention. But DS is no yes-boy and would not do that for anyone, no matter who they are.

More of the fantasy is crumbling and now it's DS21 who is being punished. I really never thought he would do such a thing to DS. Me, oh sure, in spades. But not this.

Until that's exactly what he did.

If this isn't a sickness and an addiction, I don't know what is.
Mulan

On another thread, "peachyisback" wrote:

What the xws always wants is acceptance and to NOT feel bad about what THEY did. That's it usually in a nutshell.

My xh was all about this whenever we'd have something like this happen to us. It could be a kindergarten graduation we went to. Biggest one I could remember was my son graduating from vacation Bible school. Something as innocent as that, can be turned into a delude just b/c of the crazy ws.

I've told this one here before, but on the day of the graduation, I left work early, still in my scrubs to go to the church. I sat down in the crowded sanctuary. Right before (like meaning he and the wistress were about 30 seconds from the program starting) bounded into the church sanctuary. Immediately my heart sank. Ugh. Know your feeling.

She was dressed as if she was going to go clubbing, wearing daisy duke short shores, high heels, a tank top, and dripping in jewelry and the women in the church all kinda gasped from disbelief in seeing the getup that my xh's wistress wife was wearing.

Then the xwh, whom I call Darth, scanned the crowd and spotted me! Yep me. So they push their way down the pews into the little bit of space beside me. My x positions himself so on one side he's sitting by his affairage wife, and on the other side, me.

I looked at him in disbelief and got up and moved waaaay down the pew away from them (other people must've found this silly, I know). I told my xh from day one, if we ended our M due to his infidelity and he married the ow, there would be no friendship. NO FRIENDSHIP, but mostly, I would NEVER ever ever CONDONE HIS ACTIONS. So I didn't. He moved again, and tried to sit by me, and again I got up and moved somewhere else.

I wanted my actions to be clear, I was not ever going to condone what they did, but at the same time I gave NO REACTION at all to them being there. Didn't look at them, say a word, just got up and moved. Twice!

So that's what your x is probably wanting. She's wanting to 1)make sure the coast is clear and that you'll be ok with her being there b/c she doesn't want good, decent, church-going believers to look down their nose at her. Again, it's about acceptance from you and strangers and 2)she doesn't want to face your family and have to deal with them looking at her knowing what she did, since she knows they can't stand what she did.

This is the main motivator imho from the xws, especially one who was non-repentant and continues living as a wayward. Acceptance and justification.

You see, if you totally accept them and are friendly, and accept them NOW as they are now, then their foggy minds justifies all they did to rip apart their families, break up their marriages, and lie and cheat. Doing that, accepting them, absolves them of guilt and the possibility of turning from their being wayward.

So I never did accept my x. Nope. No friendship.

My xh had a fantasy that we'd become really good friends after our divorce. That he'd have me over for dinner, we'd have great talks and good fun, and that he'd come over to my house for dinner too. Even a few times he'd joked that "once I got all this stuff out of my system (meaning his cheating), we'd probably just get remarried again and live happily ever after."

Well that's the wayward fantasy. You, his/her x husband or wife sitting by the affair partner, all laughing, cajoling, and drinking a glass of wine, laughing about how great life is now. That's their crazy dream. That all the families and kids involved would be just so happy to see their parents and loved ones "all happy" and that everybody would decide that daddy or mommy having that affair was the best thing ever!

That's the pipe dream (more like a crack pipe dream) of every wayward I've ever heard of or known.

The Wayward Life Plan:
1)avoid feeling guilty ever
2)avoid people who will remind you that the affair was wrong
3)act as if nothing is or was ever wrong
4)blame the BS for anything, something
5)avoid BS' family who know what you did.
and also...
6)avoid churches b/c they remind you what you did and what God feels about what you did.
and mainly...
7)Try to get the BS to become friends with you and accept you and your affair partner so that your affair is justified and all the lying and cheating was really ok all along!
_________________________
*41 yo ex bw! Divorced Jan. 04, ex one of MB'ers worst offenders!
*mom to amazing now 12 yo ds! Full custody btw!
*xh married ow 1 day after d final Jan. 04
*I slowly begin to regain me and rebuild my life from complete financial ruin courtesy of ex.
*Late 07 meet wonderful guy.
*July 31 2010 marries wonderful guy. Son loves wonderful guy. MB'er for life!

God has a great sense of humor.

Thanks Mulan..that's kind of your to put that up here.

But it's the truth. 100 percent.

They want us to pretend everything is ok. I know the song "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks was about their crazy political beliefs, but to me, the song was about how I felt about my divorce with my x.

It would not ever be a friendship. Why? YOU don't treat FRIENDS like that! You don't hurt, lie, cheat, and steal from your friends.

Oh and I need to add in another "addendum" to my bio.

My XWH and his affairage wife? The Wistress? he he he he he.

Their DIVORCE is FINAL NOW.

All that drama, crazy, and evil for nothing. Nada. Zilch. My family was torn up and thrown away by my xh for no apparent reason.

They weren't married as long as we were. The ow of course, once told me, that "I know it's hard to believe, but I love your son as though he were MINE."

Nope. She didn't. She loved my xh and his money. Well make that the $. Their affair and affairage fantasy fell apart soon after they married, as he began cheating on her almost immediately.

They did have a daughter and she's 7 now. I always know how long I've been divorced, b/c that's the age of my son's half sister.

The fantasy crumbled, just like everybody and all the experts said it would. But she was his "soul mate", he told me that. He told me that she would raise MY child. She didn't.

This woman, this ow, who once said she felt as though my child were her own? I haven't really heard from her since August. She has made ZERO attempt to try to see my child or get her child (my son's half sister) and my son to even see one aother at all.

So much for her loving my son as her own right? It's all just smoke & mirrors with waywards.

I also 100 percent agree with everybody who posted that the ow just wants to "win". To me, their "win" is more like Charlie Sheen's version...as in, WINNING!~ lol.

They never win. But the ow (yes I am saying all of them b/c it is almost all the same) want one thin. The LIFE of the BW. She wanted my husband, my car, my being a stay at home mom (I'm not and haven't been since before the divorce), my jewelry, my everything was what she wanted to "win".

Most of all, she wanted him to get that divorce. It was a contest to her. She is/was a pretty crappy mom in her own right. She has less than half custody of her own child from a previous relationship, her child has severe emotional problems and even failed kindergarten. She feeds her kids horrible junk food. And to think, Darth, the xwh of mine, used to tell me how it was ME who fed my child poorly (I never did and have never, as I'm a health professional) and that the wistress was the "best cook in the world".

wow. NONE of it was all true. And it's so sad. It all had to happen for nothing. Nothing.

My child, who is 12 and whom I have sole custody of, said in all of his wisdom a few months back when I had to break the news of his dads' yet another divorce said, "Mom, I'm just not interested in seeing him (dad) anymore. I'm sick of it all. I don't want to get to know another wife of his. I don't want to find out I have another half sister or brother either, because I won't see them. I don't have to anymore (see the xwh) do I?"

You see, you will find out and the WS will find out that there will come a day and time, when their own kids, even if they are little and they think now the little ones won't know any better if their daddy or mommy cheats. But those little ones will grow up and they will tire of the lies and the lives of their wayward parent.

If you are a WS, your kids will truthfully get sick of your ways. They'll tire of your endless selfishness and justifications, because unlike you, they're honest. They do tell it like it is.

On a different note, I read from some of you how your xws were literally dreaming of million dollar homes and things beyond their grasp. Well I had a wealthy xwh, and he lost everything. I mean everything now. He can't even pay me CS, but when he can, the court will make him.

Funny thing, but one year before he lost everything, I went over to that house to pick up my child and my son made me go inside the Playboy Mansion (what I used to call Darth's home, he has since lost the home), and the Christmas tree was up. I looked at it briefly, as my son searched for his tennis shoes. I tried to quickly leave, and the Wistress caught me near the door and apparently saw me eyeing their Christmas tree.

I said "nice tree" to her and she replied "Yes, it's lovely. The TREE DECORATOR I HIRED did a gorgeous job on it didn't they?"

I almost laughed out loud to her. She and Darth actually HIRED and paid good money to some interior decorator to decorate the damn tree, and it looked almost identical to the way I do my tree at home EVERY YEAR.

So chalk that one up to the crazy mind of waywards.

Add this one to the Waywards' Life Plan:

8)After cheating your BS out of $, make sure to HIRE A DECORATOR to trim the Christmas tree or create a fabulous menorah! You can do it! You can do it all! Your wayward mind, combined with the money from your BS you stole, can afford anything! The sky is the limit! You have adonis and tiger blood! You are WINNING!

Every time your XWS tries to do something dumb and silly, using their wayward logic, just tell them this...Great! I'm glad to see you're WINNING!dear" and keep these fun pictures in your mind as you laugh at the wayward "warlock" logic...after all, with no $ in the bank, they can buy a million dollar house with their warlock mind. Their divorce from their BS was justified b/c we're trolls.

And remember this one!..This will help when the Waywards tell you all the bunk how their lives are "amazing" or "better than you could ever imagine"!

In fact, this is now a party game. Print this off and see if your Wayward can fill in the blanks if you ask them about this!

Oh this thread had made me smile.

Ginge was always so jealous of me, apparently she used to say while he was still a cake eater, that I had 90% of everything, why should I be worried about the 10% he gave her? she also suggested that we swap places so that she could live with him, I presume in our house, but that she would be fine with him having an 'affair' with me. She would have my life and would be able to show him how well she could manage a cake eater. WTF

Then her H had an affair and she spent hours crying all over my WH about how hurt she was. Never seemed to make any connections and I think it was at that point my WH began to have a reality check!


Mind I did suggest at the point of DDay that as we had never argued about money, I would sell the house, he could go live with her in her tiny little house, surrounded by all her friends (they would hardly have welcomed him with open arms) and play happy families, we'd spilt the money and I would make it all easy.

That made my WH reassess the cake eating and the NC letter was written in the hour. The thought of actually living with her terrified him!!

He still not repentant, but there is NC and we don't talk about it....quickest way for her to die, and we are beginning to recover.

It still hurts tho.

wow....this is so weird....i've been married going on 19 years this summer....found out 2 days before my birthday that my H was cheating on me.....WH told me also the same things, pretty much....so insane, his mindset and outlook....
I couln't believe it....he lost his mind! He thought we oughtta be like the parents of Reese Witherspoon on the movie "Four Christmases"....we should just get along, get together during holidays, etc.....

Very well said, my friend....

i totally feel the same way as you....my WH stated it pretty much the same way also....very twisted and delusional mindset. It is one of the ways my WH tries to brush his infidelities, his sins, under the rug...
We need to keep in mind that WS have very delusional mindsets,and have definitely lost touch with reality, anything to justify, excuse, rationalize their behaviors, and ease their guilt, if they have any, for the immense impact and damage they imposed on their betrayed spouse and/or children....

I know, it's bonkers and it's the realisation that it's bonkers that makes it easier to manage. sometimes you just have to have a quiet smile to yourself.

Of course it was all because they were so connected, almost like siblings, I did point out you don't bonk a sibling, but that didn't seem to have much impact. She even sent him an email saying how she understood that he needed both of us.......that her being able to understand that would make it easier for him if he had the affair with me and lived with her....please!

Today I'm getting there, I found a new me who is really quite amazing. He will have to run to keep up!

Right out of my POSWH mouth:

Why are you doing this? Why are you so deadset on destroying all the good memories of the children and me together... You used to ask me why do I hate you so much. I still don't hate you. Just like in the past I take all the pain you are inflicting on me and don't get mad a you. What does that say about me. Am I eternally under your spell? I don't know. I am still the same loving and careing father I have always been. This email is another example of how you blame me for everything, and right now you are on this revenge path against me and that is all that is on your mind.

He is not happy that I told the kids, and that I told him I was burying the man he is today. I would be cutting ties to him for my own sanity.

Just a couple months ago we discussed visitation. (My four kids and I now live 1500 miles west of our old house).

I said to POSWH you will need to let me know your hotel so I can bring the kids there for their visitation.

He replies, "No I thought I would stay at your apartment."
My reply, "No WH you will not be coming to my apartment for visitation."

He replies, "What am I supposed to do at a hotel with them, that is no fun. They will hate that."

My reply, "Oh well - your visitations will be happening at your hotel room.

He isn't back from deployment yet, so I know the reality hasn't sunk in. Can you imagine you will never get to make them Saturday morning pancakes, sleep with them in their own bed, wash their clothes, cuddle up on your couch for a movie, vacuum their floors, or run around with them in your backyard. He threw all of that away on his affair. He threw that part of life out like trash. Poof - It is gone, all because he thinks POSOW will give him the moon. My popcorn is in place, and I am ready to watch a good movie.

I cannot imagine living a life like this with my kids. He is in such a huge fantasy, dung fog. I am not coming out of Plan B now until NC for life is implemented. I will keep you posted on how this will all play out after he returns from deployment.

Do you have an IM? Why are you getting these kinds of messages? Are you really in dark Plan B?

AM

That was before I went into Plan B. The message was from when we were both still emailing to each other. I have been dark for three weeks now.

Cheers