I had a thread here, but it was discovered so I discontinued it. New name now, didn't post all that much but I have a question.

I exposed to family and friends and it didn't have much effect other than pissing WH off and none of OWs friends wanted anything to do with the situation (WH had already spread around that I was a nutjob). Fast forward 6 more months of bouncing between me and her and the OW contacted me. So I exposed to her, told her everything. Nice and calm, no cursing or any of that stuff.

WH is REALLY pissed now, amazingly so. OW was of the opinion that he was getting divorced and had not been around me for a couple years. So, she broke it off and now he wants nothing to do wth me.

Will this anger pass? Is it to be expected?

Yes.
Anger takes too much energy remain permanently in the red.
When?
No way to tell.



Yes.
WH's lies have been exposed.
It is expected he be angry about being stripped of his lies.

I exposed to family and friends and it didn't have much effect other than pissing WH off...So I exposed to her, told her everything. OW was of the opinion that he was getting divorced and had not been around me for a couple years. So, she broke it off...



Do you mind if someone takes this story and creates a plaque to memorialize the value and effectiveness of FULL, NUCLEAR, EXPOSURE?

The only sad thing is that you suffered six months of cake-eating before hitting the magic formula!

**edit**

Obviously, that doesn't need to be said. This is common sense.

Nothing is 100% effective, all the time.

Why the devil's advocate?

If someone were going to try a new diet, would you said "It may have the effects you mentions. It may do nothing at all."

No, because people KNOW that...no diet is 100% effective on everybody.

But the odds that it (exposure, a diet) are going to work are better than doing NOTHING at all.

Not only that EE, but here at MB we advocate EXPOSURE.

Would an Atkins website say "but this doesn't work all the time...there is only a POTENTIAL for weight loss".

Sheesh.

BTW...nuclear exposure killed my H's affair DEAD, the day I exposed.

It DOES work and more often than not.

TT ~ yes, it's normal that is quite upset. His dirty actions are no longer "private" and now everyone knows how despicably he's been acting. That is quite embarrassing.

Are you able to Plan A him at all?

How did they meet? If at work, did you expose there?

*edit*

I'm all for nuclear exposure.

*edit*

Why the devil's advocate?

MF, by long history, the poster in question has proved that he hopes to create "pearls" by being the "grit" in EVERY oyster.

Recent targets on other threads include M/L and, indirectly, Dr. Harley!

I'm actually kinda flattered this person decided to "parse" my statement - it means it musta been pretty good!

Read my sig line, I AM a BS. I know this better than most. I went through a year long FR. I know shock, I know not thinking rationally.


No and that is exactly why you are making it WORSE by making confusing comments like "it might not work". Why confuse her?


Why? Would you tell a gunshot wound victim "let's put pressure on this to stop the bleeding but it might not work". That makes no sense, please stop doing this. It's not helpful to someone in crisis.


That's your opinion that they will be in a "worse state". Most will not be in a worse state, most will be glad that they did their best in trying to end their spouse's affair.


Again, your opinion. The behavior of the third party doesn't matter AT ALL when a BS exposes because there should be NO WARNING. Besides that we aren't arguing about what a FWS does AFTER exposure.


And I think you're wrong. This only muddies the waters for someone who is in a crisis. Go back to my gunshot wound victim. No one is going to warn him that applying pressure to his wound "might not work". That would be ludicrous to tell someone that his best option of surviving this "might not work".

EE, please stop doing this. It's not helpful.

And let's stop t/jing this poster's thread. She needs help, not your opinion that what we advocate here might not work. I've seen it work lots of times.

Um. Yeah. Exactly. That's why we're telling them something that is obvious to us, the ones who have been there and done that. And sure, we get some resistance from BS's - the very idea of exposure is the opposite of what most people would do - HIDE THE AFFAIR FOR THEIR SPOUSE.

Can you imagine that? That a betrayed spouse would consider hiding their spouse's affair and would do nothing to end it? They're willing to sit back and wait for the affair to burn itself out? I know a few of those betrayeds, too. And their spouses either left them or remained in the affair!

As for telling the victim the truth? I'll tell every betrayed who comes on here: EXPOSURE ENDED MY HUSBAND'S AFFAIR. KILLED IT DEAD. That's the truth.

It's ridiculous to imply that exposure will end every affair, every time. No one is saying that. But I'll never just sit back and pat a betrayed spouse on the hand and sigh "There, there." I'm going to tell them what worked in my case.

**edit**

Let's get back to helping the original poster with her questions.

Thank you.

TickyToc,

You did the right thing with exposure. I'm not arguing that. Expect nothing and watch the actions.

Words are cheap, it's the actions of your WH and OW that matter, not their words. So watch their actions and decide your next course of action.

You did good, but expect nothing. Not because of you, but because you are dealing with people addicted to the affair.

Did plan A and B.

B lasted all of 2 days before he had a breakdown from not being able to contact me. He came home 1 week later. No contact w/OW for 5 weeks from that point until she NEEDED him because of a family emergency (he has a white knight syndrome).

Then contact started again, small here and there and then the "I can't live without you" messages. I told him to leave, so he went no contact again. This time lasted 4 weeks, before he broke and contacted her.

More "can't live without you" messages and I was getting ready to plan B again when she contacted me and I told her the truth.

Another question, though. Do I need to tell him that I talked to her? She told him that I sent her an email, which isn't true. So I haven't been lying when I deny sending an email to her. As of right now, he doesn't know I talked to her. Just that she ended it with him because she received an email with the truth.

OK, where is he now? What is your plan, A or B? The answer depends on where you are now.

Why deal with him at all? Give him the 800# for Marriage Builders and have him set up a program where he can put protections into place, ensure no contact and when Steve or Jennifer tell you he's safe to allow home, then let him come home.

He's the one who has to earn his way home, not you be the one who tries to win him back. If he's not safe, then you probably don't want him. If he's willing to address his issues, then perhaps he's a keeper.

I'm not saying you don't have anything to do, you do. But at this point, I think it's plan B until he demonstrates that he's a safe and faithful spouse.

That way, you don't need to tell him anything. You can simply tell anyone who asks, if you are still exposing that he's having an affair and that you told him what it takes for him to come home, and you are waiting to see if he'll end the affair and do what he needs to do.

No need to talk to him if he's still an active wayward, plan B is where I recommend you hang your hat, and stick to it.

He's home. Has been home, since December which is the last time he physically saw her.

I'm not sure what plan I'm in at the moment, I was going to make him leave for B again, but everything blew up in his face. He's a little better today. Not as angry but not happy with me, either.

Right now, I'm just hanging on hoping the tornado passes. Not exactly plan A because I walk away when he starts getting nasty with me but when he's nice, I'm nice.

Then I would set a time frame, not share it with him and just watch. If he maintains NC and starts to MB, let him stay. The then it's time to reconsider his current living arrangments.

Certainly you don't need to tolerate him moving along with no plan, no protections and no actions that restore the marriage.

It is easy for him to say he can't live without you. I can say it, "I can't live without you." But words are meaningless. Do his actions say, "I value you so much that I'm willing to do what it takes to keep you in my life?"

Don't listen, watch his actions.

It's like when I was learning to play football. Don't watch the head eyes or arms, watch his belly button and you'll always know where he's going to run and you can tackle the runner.

Watch his actions, they show his true intent.