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Be careful here - this could be a lie that he's telling you so he can keep you dangling with a little crumb of hope that maybe sometime he might break up with the hobag and then start to consider thinking about coming back home . . .


What Mulan said. Distance yourself from this, NP.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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NP, I ask only out of concern:

What's up with the contact during Plan B? I thought you were in Plan B, no? The contact has got to stop - for your own wellbeing, as well as for your WH.

You have the potential to do so well, and you ARE doing so well in so many ways - I hate to see these cracks.

Last edited by Mrs_Vanilla; 11/24/10 06:53 PM. Reason: re-worded

Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
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CRACKS? It's a stinking CANYON over there.

Please NP. Wanna know how I get through NC with my WH? I remind myself that he needs to have contact with me. Not only does he need it, the A needs it. The more contact your WH gets from you the longer this A can continue. Not to say that you coming out of it is going to magically end the A, because we know that won't happen overnight. What I AM saying is that the contact WILL feed his ENs being met by TWO people and keep him where he was.

Before, he had a wife and family with a GF on the side. Now, he has a GF at home and wants to have a wife and family on the side. Don't give it to him.

GO BACK TO DARKNESS MY DEAR.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Stinking canyon is right. blush I came out of the dark because I had settled on D, and figured I might as well see him to get his stuff out, etc. BUT you are right. He is totally cake eating here, still, and opening myself up to that allowed him to start it all over again.

Going back to darkness now ..... I was saying to my brother today that of course I'm sad because I miss having my family intact - and how long did I wait to hear this stuff from him? BUT I don't know if even now I actually want to try R with him. In emotional turmoil all over again, so really I need to get back to being dark dark dark.


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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So whatcha gonna do? wink


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Reiterate Plan B letter. And Plan B lol.


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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Originally Posted by Scotland
I remind myself that he needs to have contact with me. Not only does he need it, the A needs it. The more contact your WH gets from you the longer this A can continue. Not to say that you coming out of it is going to magically end the A, because we know that won't happen overnight. What I AM saying is that the contact WILL feed his ENs being met by TWO people and keep him where he was.

Well said, Scotty.

NP, the insulation YOU will get from a solid, pitch black Plan B will settle you, and will put you in a much better place to be able to make decisions related to R if/when your WH performs his cranial-rectal extraction. Thus = better recovery, either personal or marital.

It's a win/win!


Me - 30 (FWW)
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Reiterating a PBL is still contact. Complete silence is best. Change your phone #. If you can't block him from your email, or if he writes to you from new addys you haven't blocked, change that, too.

Get very, very serious about not only being dark, but staying dark. So he CANNOT get through to you.

Your IM can restate NC.

"WH,

When you decide to cut OW completely out of the picture for the rest of your life, let me know. I will pass the message on to NP, and see where she is at that time.

In the meantime, NP will only be accepting important communications regarding the children, and only through me/us.

Sincerely,
IM"

Hint: after your IM takes a hard line like that, which they NEED TO DO, don't throw them under the bus by going behind their back. Let them protect you.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Originally Posted by Neak
...Your IM can restate NC.

"WH,

When you decide to cut OW completely out of the picture for the rest of your life, let me know. I will pass the message on to NP, and see where she is at that time.

In the meantime, NP will only be accepting important communications regarding the children, and only through me/us.

Sincerely,
IM"

Hint: after your IM takes a hard line like that, which they NEED TO DO, don't throw them under the bus by going behind their back. Let them protect you.

This is good, I didn't think She even had an IM, the way it has been going.. Yes I can't think of anything worse that fighting for someone who goes back and involves themselves again. I have had that happen to me a few times before in cases where women came to us physically and/or emotionally abused, and we took them in and serously spent time in court and looking over our shoulders because we stood up to the punks.

Them they went back anyway, or got into another situation with another just like the last, and ignored the advice of counselling they swore they would seek. We would follow up on it, and call them, but they just didn't go.

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So how are you?

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I was thinking the same thing, how are things going NP?

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Sorry for the long silence on here. Got my IM to send that letter. I can't believe how much that contact with him set me back. I miss him every day again and each time DD mentions him, it makes my heart just break - was doing okay before. No word back from him yet, so I'm assuming he has not made the decision to leave OW.

Was cleaning out the garage today and came across a box that had never been unpacked from when we moved in July '09. Just random stuff - but in it I found two love letters WH had written to me years ago. I cried and cried.

Is R with WH even advisable, even if he leaves OW? I know when I had settled on D, I got a lot of support on here. Just wondering what people's thoughts are on that? Every time I think to myself I'd like to R if he was serious, I just keep remembering the lies, and the devastation of finding out he was STILL involved in an active A,and it mkaes me want to vomit. I never fully appreciated the true trauma of this until now, not even when I was in the middle of it. I guess it's hitting me full force now. Thoughts?


Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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My thoughts are you don't need to decide today. To know what you should do today. You can 'be still' and just live for now and if he comes back, having dropped OW and seems truly wanting to rebuild, you decide then if you are willing to try. Release having to know, you know?







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You just can't predict what will happen, or your reaction to it.

I would venture to guess that if you had a truly repentant FWH show up on your doorstep, you would be able to keep from barfing on him long enough to hear what he had to say. laugh

For me personally, I would completely support you in a D if that's what you chose to do, and yet if the A ended and your descriptions of WH sounded promising, I would be first in line to encourage you if you decided to let him have the chance to prove with his actions that he was serious.

I would also be first in line with a red flag in each hand if it looked at any point like he wasn't doing what he ought.

All this is why I recommend waiting a while before making huge, life-changing decisions, unless circumstances changed and you had to protect yourself. (Often BS's have to file to protect their assets or to formalize child support, for example.)

You've been through enough that you would be justified in cutting your losses at any point. At the same time, many of us have seen miracles in even worse situations, so hanging around for a year or two in a dark Plan B before making a final decision is fine, too. (And would be my choice, if I was the one choosing.)

You have plenty of time - you're the one in charge now.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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I am in agreement with both neak and reading,, your in charge, and there is no imediate hurry.

God Bless

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Hey, I was just thinking about you. I hope all is well with you, well, as well as can be.

{{{hugs}}}}

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Where are you at NP? Can you give an update? I'm sure lots of people are thinking and wondering about you.

I hope you are doing great!

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Hi everyone, I'm back! Not sure how often or when I will again be checking on here...but I wanted to say hello and give an update as to where I am.

First off, sorry for disappearing for so long. I know lots of you probably worried about me, and I apologize. For a long time, the thought of signing back on here was the worst emotional trigger to bring back up all the hurt and the pain that I went through. It's only recently that I have been able to think about it without feeling sick to my stomach.

So here's where I am in my marriage - out of it. I filed for divorce in February, and WH will be served the next time he comes back into town (he's only been back for one day since and it was a Saturday). He and POSOW are living down the road from me, but thankfully it's far enough down that I never, ever see her (the rage would still get the best of me, I fear). I stopped using my IM, so communication goes directly between WH and I. In some ways I guess I still miss him, but at least every other week he finds a way to be so unreasonably nasty to me that I thank my lucky stars I am divorcing him. They are, as far as I can tell, still "in love"....the two year mark is coming up quick though! (Incidentally will coincide closely with my one year of separation and thus divorce date).

Right until the time I filed, WH was still the King Fence Sitter. He refused to leave OW, but still kept telling me how beautiful I am, how he missed me, how in an "ideal world" he'd be home with me and the kids, but "I" make it just too difficult. He talked a lot, but never wanted to make one move to follow through - unless that move was to further his affair.

I am entering this divorce knowing to the bottom of my heart that I did everything I could to try to save my marriage. I guess there are truly some men so completely wayward that you just have to let go.

I don't think they will last, and I don't think he is completely happy with her, no matter what he says. BUT, it is no longer my concern and I will not be around for him when it ends.

I woke up this morning and realized something important - that I truly do NOT love him anymore, and I no longer feel like there's a gaping black hole in my life. So I know I am doing the right thing.

I am going to browse around on here a bit and catch up on some old friends who supported me through all this.....and I thank ALL of you for being there when I needed help the most.

Love,
NP

PS. Oh, and as far as I can tell, he's told only a handful of friends about his affair at all, and those are the ones who are crazies and worship his every move (I'm not exaggerating). Lots of his friends don't even know we split up .... but I've been informing the ones I talk to. His family still refuses to have anything to do with POSOW, don't even mention her name. Sad the choices people make....WH, I mean.

Last edited by NewPetals; 04/04/11 09:48 PM.

Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 29
DD 4
DS 1
Married 07/25/09
A began end of 08/2009 (possibly sooner)
D-Day: 3/31/10
2nd D-Day: 4/9/2010
3rd D-Day: 4/21/10

Plan B (shortlived as it was): 18/05/10
WH decides to work on marriage: 20/05/10
False Recovery, Back to Plan B: 13/08/10

Filed for D Feb 2011, D April 2012

Looking forward to the sunshine and rainbows life should hold for us all!
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I am glad you are moving forward NP. Thanks for the update

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Petals!

Thanks for the update. I think of you here and there and I'm glad you're doing well. You sound like you're in a good place. I'm sorry your H never shaped up - but there is only so much you can do, and you did it.

Now he's someone else's problem.

You did, however, forget a key point in your update.

How are the kiddos?!?!?

(((NP)))

You're doing good, hon.


Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'
HIYA!
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