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Don't focus on money. Too easy to paint you as simply wanting more time to pay less CS.

The taxes and the kids are something you'll need to negotiate for the future.

Focusing on money doesn't make you look good. As wrong as it may feel, your lawyer is right. Make a deal out of money when it comes to determining CS, which won't happen until after you have a set schedule.


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
As far as staying in Plan B, that depends on you. Dr Harley only advises WAITING to divorce for 2 years. You can stay in Plan B indefinitely if necessary. I know ppl who never contact their WS even years later.

WHOA Nelly. Can you point me to where Dr. H says that one should wait to divorce for TWO YEARS?? Even in Plan B, you'd be allowing your WS to put your life and recovery on hold, especially if you're young and without children (like me) and would like to move on to someone who can manage to honor their vows! smile

Thanks,
Arpeggi


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
Arpeggi #2497626 04/13/11 08:54 PM
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Arpeggi,

I own the third edition of SAA. On page 83, Dr. H says that John, the BH, gave himself 18 months to implement Plan B, not two years. That's news to me. When I talked with him on the radio show last November, he told me to wait two years to implement Plan B. Might Dr. H be confusing the timelines?


-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

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To everyone,

I wrapped up my federal taxes. I will pay Uncle Sam an extra $3,000 this year because I cannot claim the child tax credit and daycare credit, despite that I care for my daughters two and a half days a week. WW decided to take the exemptions for both kids (and can probably file as head of the household, giving her extra money). Ah, the fruit of infidelity and separation is sweet.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 267
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It's however long you can stand it. For men, Dr. H recommends six months. After that you're either A) burned out and too worn out to continue, or B) Avoiding taking action because you've grown comfortable being a doormat.

But you've made it clear long ago that you don't listen to anyone. It's an echo chamber in here. Good luck and goodbye.

Arpeggi


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
Arpeggi #2498002 04/14/11 05:51 PM
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Arpeggi,

I don't understand your complaints. Dr. H says to wait as long as two years. Where has he said to wait as "long as you can stand it"?

And I don't listen to anyone? I've made up my own mind plenty, but I've also followed Plan A and B. I've exposed. I've attempted to meet my WW's EN's. I've done a Plan B as much as possible for someone who can't get a reliable email IM.


-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
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I have my kids till this Saturday, but the baby sitter won't be present. This physical IM agreed to take the kids this Friday. Then I contacted WW. Why do I want, she asked, to drop them off "on such short notice."

The real answer is that I don't want to see WW, which will happen if I drop the kids off on Saturday. What answer would the vets recommend giving her? Read my Plan B letter baby?

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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Wait a minute - you're in Plan B, but you're in contact with her??


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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maritalbliss,

Nobody will agree to serve as my email IM. I asked twice on this forum if anyone would serve as mine; I sent an email to Dr. H; and two of my previous email IM's quit on me. I don't know what to do.

If you can think of a clever answer to my WW, I would appreciate it.

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Originally Posted by MichaelJan
maritalbliss,

Nobody will agree to serve as my email IM. I asked twice on this forum if anyone would serve as mine; I sent an email to Dr. H; and two of my previous email IM's quit on me. I don't know what to do.

If you can think of a clever answer to my WW, I would appreciate it.
I'm not sure if you would be comfortable saying this, but I would say: "It is not in my best interest to meet with you, so this way would work out better."

And then she'll probably respond "Well, it's not in my best interest blah blah blah." Whatever. I wouldn't have a conversation about it. I would just repeat myself.

That's the tricky part of being in a fluid Plan B.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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maritalbliss writes,

Quote
I'm not sure if you would be comfortable saying this, but I would say: "It is not in my best interest to meet with you, so this way would work out better."

And then she'll probably respond "Well, it's not in my best interest blah blah blah." Whatever. I wouldn't have a conversation about it. I would just repeat myself.

I like your answer.

I also thought of another response. "You failed to apologize to me for flipping me off in front of the kids last fall. I am unwilling to be treated with disrespect."

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You're baiting her with that. Proceed only if you want to get into a back & forth.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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If you're in the middle of litigating the time you have with the kids then don't give her ammunition by cutting your time with your kids short.

I understand you don't want to see her, but you're arming her and her legal arguments by cutting your time with them short.

Suck it up and give her the kids when you're supposed to.

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helpthelostdads writes,

Quote
I understand you don't want to see her, but you're arming her and her legal arguments by cutting your time with them short.

Suck it up and give her the kids when you're supposed to.

I hear you: Don't give her ammo. But dropping the kids off Saturday night or Sunday might work. WW may not agree to the revised time; in fact, she probably won't. But asking her doesn't hurt my family's cause.

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I got a letter from my lawyer this afternoon. It said that a scheduling conference for D will be held next month. This meeting is where both the WW and I show up in court and answer a few questions from a judge?

... I still can't believe this is happening. It'd be one thing if I were dating or a womanizer or an abuser. Oh well, I will continue to fight for what's right for my family.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 318
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I should give everyone a general update on my sitch. Yes, I'm jobless and yes, my WW is divorcing me. But every thing else is going well. Crazy, but it's true. Following Dr. H's Plan A & Plan B has really helped me.

For example, I am making major progress at eliminating a two-decade long bad habit. I wrote a list of the triggering conditions that caused me to indulge in this bad habit. And on a sheet of paper, I wrote ten things to do to conquer this bad habit; on the left side were the goals and on the right were the steps I took that day. Those steps included strengthening my prayer life, getting a priest-accountability partner, turning off the Internet before 10 p.m., and exercising every day I don't have my daughters. The plan has worked. I have not indulged in the vice in a month.

Also, I have really enjoyed this week with my daughters. With my mom and sister in town, we have done a ton of stuff. We went to the park several times, had an Easter egg hunt, cleaned up and redecorated my apartment, grilled chicken and hamburgers, went to Mass, and ate out. My girls have been happy. They've laughed, played, ate well, and slept a lot. If only every week could be like this.

I feel like a new man. Or at least a more mature, competent one; I don't make the mistakes of my past.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
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MJ,

Judges aren't normally in the habit of asking people questions. You will go with your lawyer and hers and hammer out a schedule for future litigation dates. Expect for things to take many months. They'll also expect you and her to go to mediation, attend a coparenting class, and try to negotiate a settlement. If your WW agrees to a 50/50, then take it and end it. If she insists on primary, then fight for the 50/50 minimum.

The key to all of this is to not get emotional. It's easier said than done. But you don't have to accept things you don't like. Think of it like negotiating for the price of a new car. If the dealer comes back with an offer, you simply say "no thanks" and counter or walk away. I say this to you because I use to get upset at offers I'd get which were polished turds. If the offers are that bad, then simply say that you'll take your chances with the judge since you can't do much worse than what they offer.

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To Help,

Thanks for the advice. I will also get that book you recommended.

To everyone,

My oldest daughter, who's almost 4 years old, woke whimpering about mommy and daddy. She told me she wants WW and I to get back together. Should I have explained to her that mommy is having an affair and that affairs are wrong?

I'm torn. On the one hand, DD3.9 should know the truth about why mommy isn't with daddy. On the other hand, I wonder if she can deal with it at her tender age. Your thoughts are appreciated!


-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,719
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MichaelJan - I can only offer support, as I'm in a similar place with a 5 year old. The definition of 'age appropriate' escapes me. Your daughter can't process 'affair', so you'll need to make it more simple. My brain isn't big enough for this question - I'm struggling with the same issue.


BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
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MJ: I know the "guys" are helping you, but I want to give a big shout out and congrads for your personal progress and self. Good for you!! The time you have spent with your girls sounds fantastic.

I don't know the vice you're kicking, and I don't care. Keep up the good work, OK? Stay proud.

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