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Can you fall back in love with your BH?

I see posts from WW�s new to this board quite frequently asking this question. Still in the fog from their A, they can�t imagine loving the man they spoke their vows to again.

Yes, you can fall back in love with your BH. You can fall HARD. The reasons you married him are still there, though you�ve chosen to forget them. The memories of years you spent together are still there, though you�ve chosen to rewrite them.

If you are fortunate, he will fight. He will meet your needs like a champ. And you�ll realize the OM was nothing compared to your BH. You�ll feel a rush every time your BH sends you an email, or a text, to let you know he loves you.

But the more important question here is not, �Can I fall back in love with my BH?� The question you should be asking yourself is, �Can my BH fall back in love with ME?�

Because sometimes, the damage you have done is simply too great to overcome. And when your LB$ is filled and his is completely drained, when you go to sleep each night in an empty bed, all you have to keep you company is your regrets and your pain (which isn�t even close to what you inflicted on him).

Yes, there may have been underlying problems and issues in your M, before the A. And yes, those will have to be addressed so that your M post-A is better than anything you've ever had. But you have to fix the immediate damage first - and that is NOT to you, it is to your BH.

So focus on the really important question.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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wulffpackgirl...wow.

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Well said


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that should be required reading for all WS's


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Thank you for writing this.
Hurting Turkey
ME: BH age 56 Recovering Verbal Abuser
SHE:WW age 49
Married 13 years
Hers: 22 and 18 years
Mine: 30, 28 and 22 years
Ours: 11 years
She still won't admit A # 2 despite overwhelming evidence
Considered Plan B but was told not to by Steve H. since A is over
to hang on to Plan A. Grateful for the people on this board (even though they tire of telling me what I don't want to hear!)

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WPG, thank you.

Hope things are going as well as they can, and don't crumble that biscuit!


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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HHH, at this point I don't have a biscuit to crumble anymore.

It's just...well, falling back in love with my H was never an issue for me. I wanted to love him, and I wanted him to love me, so when he met my needs falling head over heels for him again was easy. The A ended immediately when H confronted me that Sunday in August. I never pined away for the OM after that - I didn't miss OM. I saw my world crashing around me that day and I didn't want to lose my H, I knew it was him that I still loved and I knew that OM wasn't worth it...unfortunately I tried to lie to "keep" my H.

Why didn't I realize all these things before the A started? Stupidity. Naievety. Poor boundaries. I allowed my EN's to be met by another man, one who was from my past. It was a slippery slope that I put myself on and I was too stupid to stop it. So I made one poor choice after another until I was in the fog of the A. I did all the things Pepper talked about in her "typical WW thread" - I drank to excess, I cut myself off from family and friends because I knew what I was doing was wrong and knew what they would say. I was depressed. Suicidal. Yet I still didn't stop what I was doing.

No matter what I did post-A to try and meet my H's needs, I could never do enough to fill his LB$ after all the lies on top of lies. I don't think I ever helped to create those "in love" feelings for me in him as we struggled through trying to recover. Could I have done more? Maybe. Probably. Definitely. Like you said, I kept right on smashing that biscuit into smithereens. I was selfish and impatient, and sabotaged our recovery because of it.

Would MB have helped R if I/we had found it earlier? Honestly, I don't know. I think my H is one who cannot get past the A. And that's because of the man he is - the things he values and believes in. If we had found MB years ago, then yes, I believe it would have helped us to build a wonderful M. We won't get the chance to try now.

So, saving my own M is most likely impossible. At the very least, it is out of my hands. But maybe I can do something to help someone else.



FWW

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WPG,

I wonder if talking to my wife would help. She was the WS and her experience is very very similar to yours. I was wondering if she was the only one feeling that way after exposure. If you are willing, she is on the site. I can send the moderator a letter and ask her to connect you two. Whatever she did with me is working. I know I don't fit the usual guy model. I wanted to be chased... hunted down even... I wouldn't see your marriage as over necessarily. Stalled yes. not over.
Hang in there, I'm praying for ya!

CV


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3 young adult children


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WPG,

I feel like I'm reading my own story when I read yours. What you did, how you felt...thanks for posting. My BH says that so much of what I did doesn't make sense, especially when I talk about how I felt inside and still continued the A. It helps to see that I'm not alone.

I have had to work really hard to win my WH back. There have been many days and even weeks when he seemed completely uninterested in making our M work but I just keep on pursuing him relentlessly. Believe it or not it's working!


Thanks again for sharing. You have encouraged me.


Me...saved by grace
Him...wonderful husband
Us...3 years in to our new life and better every day!
and we have 3 great kids (20,19,17)

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Thanks, CV...I'd be glad to talk to your W, but to be quite honest I don't think there is anything else I can do. I just updated my own massive novel - errr, thread - on the Recovery board last night.

I know I made a lot of mistakes in our R, the first was the trickle truth that I put H through. And even after we found MB, there were definitely times that I screwed up. I waffled between being a doormat or being "Tommy Boy" (HHH's description!). I struggled with being O&H w/H during R - and no, I don't mean about the A, I mean about the day-to-day...how I was feeling, what I was thinking...because I sucked a lot of it up and walked on eggshells around H. I played the martyr more often than not, which is wrong, wrong, wrong...a renter's mindset...but part of me felt like I owed H for him staying with me after what I did, and I kept my mouth shut when his IB hurt me.

I tried everything from grand gestures to love notes to little gifts, to show AF and AD. I tried to do more around the house in the way of DS. I never turned him down for SF and was willing to try new things that he wanted to do. It was hard to do RC and meet UA time b/c while in withdrawal, he simply didn't want to spend time with me. C was never one of his top needs, it was mine, but again, in withdrawal he didn't like talking to me.

When he left, I tried chasing him...or what I thought was chasing him...I sent him cards, letters, gifts. I don't know...maybe he saw those things as either me doing them out of guilt or me trying to guilt him into coming home.

Now I'm still physically attracted to him, I still love him, but the "in love" feelings are dying. I know that's kind of a consequence of attempting an extended Plan A without having my EN's met in return, with a Plan B (to protect my LB$) being unadvisable in my sitch. I know, of course, that should he decide he wants to stay married to me that he can then make deposits in my LB$ and bring it back to the romantic love threshold...but that's his choice. To be fair, he is meeting some of my needs but not my top three.

I didn't intend to start another thread about my sitch smile but I just felt like I kept reading WW threads where over and over they were convinced they could not fall back in love with their H's...that the OM was so wonderful at meeting their needs puke when in reality, the OM played them like a fiddle - just like the POSOM did to me...used them to get a piece of azz on the side. That's all. Like you said, CV, on another thread, if the OM had really loved the WW, he would have stayed out of the WW's M.

THAT is the point to drive home to all the new and lurking WW's...well, for WH's as well, really...and maybe even the potential WS's who have stumbled on this board before it is too late. And if I can reach even one WS, then maybe in that way I can help them to help their BS to heal.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Welcome to MB, BG - I've been reading your posts! It is eye opening when you realize that A's aren't unique or special, and that anyone can have an A if the right circumstances are present. I'm so glad you are having positive results with your H! Stick around and learn all you can - there are some very wise folks on these boards.


FWW

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I'm sorry that I can't recall all the details of your situation, WPG.

After exposure, how long do you feel you were in withdrawal, the fog lifting, from the OM/A?

Thanks.

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HFD, the fog I was in after exposure was a self-protective one. I lied to my H thinking two things: 1.) I was keeping myself out of trouble and 2.) protecting my H from further hurt. Any fog I had over OM - and oh boy had I been fogged during the A - was gone in the light of H finding out I had been unfaithful. H thinks I lied to protect the OM, but I lied to protect myself from further fallout.

When I sent OM an email on exposure day saying to leave me alone, I meant it. I removed my FB account the same day (or thought I did - turns out I'd only "deactivated" it, it takes what amounts to an act of Congress to remove yourself from FB, but that's done now). There were 2 breaches of NC. One, OM called me at work right after I'd admitted the PA. He left me a crazy-sounding message on my VM and I stupidly called him back. He wanted me to ask my H to "leave him alone." I remember being so angry when I talked to him, and thinking what a whiner and a wuss OM was. I told him I'd told H the truth and asked him to just admit it to H and be done w/it. I wished him a "nice life" and that was that. But I came home and lied about the contact to H, again, trying to protect myself. The 2nd breach occurred a few months later, when OM sent out a mass email to all addresses in his address book, which included my H (I'd already blocked his email). When I found out I went ballistic. I created a new email for the sole purpose of sending him an ugly "cease and desist" message in which I threatened to tell his W if he so much as breathed in our direction again. My dad even called the OM after this one and told him to f-off. Now, be mindful this was all before I found MB, so I was not following MB guidelines here. If I was, I would have not called OM back and immediately told H about the VM, and would not have sent the email. Essentially in that email I made a pact with him, threatening exposure like I did. I didn't see it like that at the time, I thought I was making myself clear I wanted nothing to do w/him.

We didn't know what MB was then, but essentially H threw himself into a stellar Plan A. I fell crazy in love with him again. It was like we couldn't get enough of each other...I guess now in hindsight it was just me that couldn't get enough of him.

My fog was that I couldn't stop lying, and I subjected my H to trickle-truth for four months. Four months. When he realized what I'd done, how I'd looked him in the eyes and lied, how I'd sworn on our daughters' lives (God I still make myself sick even now) that I was telling the truth...well, I think even though he stayed for the next year, I think it was over for him on that day.


FWW

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Thank you for that reflection.

I continue to monitor for a breach of NC...haven't found one. My W is working the MB principles with me, but she has her own LBs to conquer.
I still get that paranoia feeling some moments of some days...like I know the A is dead, but contact may still occur, but we're now only out about 6-7 weeks from exposure. She is still depressed, sad...but getting better, I think, so, sometimes I'm not sure if withdrawal has 'ended' and if ALL of the fog has dissapated or not...

I appreciate your posts, truly.

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Well, I'm rooting for you and your W, HFD!

You definitely should continue to monitor. We don't have an expectation to privacy in M, and if she has nothing to hide, she won't care about the monitoring. The first time I felt/got angry after H left in Jan., I changed my passwords to everything. I refused to access email from the computer at home. I thought, he's gone, he has no right to spy on me anymore. After a day or two, I changed everything back. I realized that it didn't matter if he monitored me b/c I had nothing to hide, not anymore. Even now, if he requested work passwords, I'd give them to him.

And, I think not all depression that a recovering WW feels necessarily stems from withdrawal from OM. Certainly w/drawal is a likely cause, but there could be lots of other reasons resulting from the fallout of an A, especially as more time passes. I kept finding myself depressed during the last year as well as now, and it has nothing to do w/missing OM. I was diagnosed with major depression in January (duh!) and it has everything to do with how I am responsible for the breakup of our M. Yes, both of us contributed equally to the state of our M, but I am the one who dropped the A-bomb. And THAT is what ultimately destroyed us.


FWW

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Was there a timeframe you felt you were in withdrawal from the OM/ the A? Weeks, months until it was out of your system, feeling that the fog was gone??

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I think that b/c my H almost immediately threw himself into overdrive meeting my ENs, I didn't have much, if any, withdrawal. As soon as he started meeting my needs, BAM he was making deposits into my LB$. I didn't have a void created by the loss of the OM. H was, in fact, much more adept at meeting my needs than the OM, AND H could meet all ten of them - OM could not. I very quickly reached the romantic love threshold w/H. I know that sounds very atypical for a WW who has fallen out of love w/her H and believes she is "in lurrrve" with her A partner.

I think, though, that I really didn't think badly of OM until that January phone call. It wasn't that I pined for him, it was more like I didn't see him for what he truly was - which was (and maybe still is - I never did get any kind of response from his W) a serial cheater. My H was dogged in finding out as much about OM as he could, and the things H told me, plus me looking back at some of the things OM said to me, confirmed that in my mind. My opinion of OM certainly doesn't make me any less culpable - it's not like I'm some fair flower who was victimized, I made decisions that I alone am responsible for.

And OM certainly didn't try to pursue me. H asked me once if I was disappointed, if I wanted OM to pursue me, which I didn't want at all, I wanted H to pursue me...but the simple fact that OM DIDN'T pursue me kind of reinforced the fact that he didn't have romantic feelings for me - he just wanted to get in my pants.

So I'm probably not a good gauge of how long withdrawal from the OM could last. Some other FWW's on here could have very different experiences w/withdrawal than me, though.


FWW

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WPG,

I read your other thread. I guess it's why I replied to you here. He still stops by, kind of a part time H, right? I wonder if he's willing to talk to you. Coffee drinkers, right? Food implies intimacy with people. Can you sit him down over a cup-o-joe and just ask him what you can do to win him back? Maybe I am being overly optimistic, or you've done it a million times, but hey, at this point, one more won't hurt, right? I'm no pro, but I know the story of the woman and the wicked judge... She badgered him so much that he relented and gave in to her. Persistence won the day

Cv



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WPG,

If you'd still like to talk to my wife, let Justus know, she has her email and would be willing to talk.

CV


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Written by my FWW in response to GO's thread here;

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2501052&page=1

Quote
1/10/11

The other day I read someone's forum describing his feelings the day his affair came to light and thought I would describe mine.

First off, I'm going to start a few months before. My husband found out that something was going on, and of course I was too scared to tell him the truth, so I just told him we kissed and denied everything else. i knew I got caught, so I wanted to "fix" it myself. I thought i could just "forget" what happened to save myself more than anything, but moreso out of fear of hurting my husband.

On March 13th, the OM left. I was very sad only because now I knew I had to deal with what I did. I didn't want to delete him completely out of my life because then I had to admit that I did something so horrible and didn't know how to deal with it.

A few days later I was at work and got a very long text from my husband saying how disrespectful I was, and that I either had to delete him, or he was leaving that day. I chose to delete him (from FB). The moment I did that I felt so much relief - like the hold he had on me was gone. I felt free again.

At this time, my husband still didn't know the whole truth, and that was eating me from the inside. I started having nightmares - horrible ones - that I told him and he left me. I would wake up constantly reaching for him to make sure he was still there.

For the next few months, my husband would ask if anything else had happened - I would always tell him no and say "I thought we were doing good!" As my heart fell into my stomach and thinking "Oh, God... he knows!" I was constantly stressed and withdrawn. The thought of him finding out terrfied me so bad that I started having irritation around my girly parts. I thought "Oh, God. Did I bring home an STD?" I got checked out, and it was all due to stress.

One day, in the middle of July... maybe the end, I can't really remember... I had a really bad night. Lots of nightmares, I went through all the ways I could tell him, and all the ways he could leave me.

I woke up that monring knowing exactly what I had to do. I had to tell him. The night before he texted me asking what I wanted from him. I said; just you. His response to the same question was a lot longer, but the part that stuck out the most was that he wanted all of me, not just a part of me. I think that his answer kind of woke me up from my fog. I knew that I wasn't giving him my all on working on my marriage, because I was holding a very dark secret, and if I didn't be honest with him then, we would never survive.

So, that morning I knew what I had to do - no matter what happened he deserved to know the truth. i had to work that day - definitely the hardest day ever! i was like a robot; knew what needed to get done, did it, but I was not there. The weight of what I was going to do was so heavy - I knew with all my heart that it was going to be my last day of my life with my husband. He texted me through the day like he always did, but I didn't respond. I was dying inside and knew I couldn't put on a happy voice to try to hide it. His "I love you" texts killed me, and I cryed my whole lunch break because I didn't think I deserved his love - I was about to destroy him.

He came and picked me up. I hugged him, but would not look at him - I couldn't. The car ride home felt like hours instead of minutes. When he tried to get me to talk, I said I was tired. When we got home I told him "we need to talk" - those were the death words, he knew something bad was going to happen. I was shaking from the inside - dizzy, scared, panicking. I asked him to promise not to leave me. He did, and to find out that was a relief to him, he thought I was going to leave!

This part is kind of a blur - I know I had a hard time saying the words, but I ended up telling him everything. When it started, how many times... everything.

He hugged me and told me everything was going to be OK because the truth was out. I just told him the worst thing a wife could ever tell her husband and he's comforting me!

It felt weird - wrong in a way - like I totally did not deserve or expect it! It was way different then what went through my mind! I cryed, and BOY did I cry! It was the first time I had cried in months. Since this all started, I closed myself off completely - even from myself. I would NOT allow myself to feel emotion - because, when I did, guilt and shame would come out and all I wanted to do was make it disappear!

the next day was different. My husband finally grasped what had happened, and it was NOT good!

He found Marriage Builders, and that, I think, is what has helped us so much!

Even with all that I know I still feel guilt and shame some days more than others - but it's always there. I still see the hurt in his eyes, and that is very hard to deal with when I know that I am the cause of it.

We are now 6 months into recovery and have come a long way - but we are coming up on the day that I chose to destroy our lives. My fear is that he won't be able to handle it, and say "FU! I'm done!" My heart does not want to believe this - but I know he has the choice. That day will definitely be hard for both of us. But, I will hold his hand and be strong for him.

I am very thankful for such a wonderful husband. He could hav left, but he chose to stay and work through it - know it would be hard. He has asked to leave - which is weird because I'm the one who messed up. Why would he ask?

I know I don't deserve this amazing man - but since he has chose to stay I will take him and hold on tight! This is my last chance, and I'm not going to take it for granted. He will know EVERY DAY how much I love and cherish him!

Our life in recovery is still early, and there is still a long way to go - but hand-in-hand I know that we will survive!


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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