how would you handle the graduation.

Does graduate invite wayward if they want or IM inform of info or no one?
Does betrayed go? What else can you think of for things to keep in mind?

I don't know what you should do, what does the grad want? Is there anyway you could go and video tape the graduation for your spouse, or the other way around, could you both go and not sit near each other and then have the grad spend time with both of you afterwards separately of course........
This is one of those times when Plan B sucks for the innocent people involved.......

Grad mad. Mad at situation. Mad at Dad. Mad at having to think it through. Mad of having to do anything regarding it. Mad. (sigh).

I would be okay being there and not being near WH.

I would sit the graduate down and say something along these lines...


"Graduate, you are facing a transition to adulthood. As part of that transition, you also face some very tough decisions, and you can believe that the one we are going to talk about right now will seem very hard right now, but compared to others you will face in life, it will appear easy one day.

Many times when I face a decision, my instinct is to want to keep the peace between people at all costs. I always want to be the "nice" one. The fact is that I cannot always be the nice one, because sometimes doing what is right comes at the cost of someone being angry with my decision.

Their anger does not alter the rightness of the decision. It just makes it harder for me to make, and harder to carry out.

Doing the right thing often makes some people angry. It is not always easy or fun to do the right thing, but what remains is that if you DO the right thing, you never regret the decision. And, you can always defend it, even when others are angry. Because you KNOW you are doing what is right.

I want to say one other thing, before we talk.

I want you to NOT confuse the idea of doing what is "RIGHT" with doing was is "FAIR".

Those things do not necessarily mean the same thing. Please understand the difference.


Now that I've said that, I want your help with making a very hard decision. In the end, I will honor your decision.

I want to ask you to consider carefully who will be invited to your graduation. From the standpoint of doing the right thing, my thoughts are that it would NOT be right for OW to attend your graduation. I understand that this request places you in a difficult position. At the same time, my marriage is in jeopardy because of the situation with OW and your father. When we look at what is right, we must look at who has been there for you, who will always have a long-term relationship with you, and not look to what may be a flash-in-the-pan relationship as OW poses.

It is my request that you not invite her. I cannot make that decision for you, but I can ask you to consider it. Please know that I love you, and I am asking you to take an adult stand

and stand up for marriage

no matter what anyone else may want you to do.

I ask that you stand up for MY marriage.


What you decide to do is yours. Thank you for considering my request. Again, no matter your decision, I will respect it."




That's what I would say.

If she asked about anything, I would say that I mean it - it is her decision alone. That I trust her as a new adult to do what she believes is right.


She WILL seek advice from her teenaged friends. She WILL seek advice from her father. Most of them will advise her to invite OW.


In the end, I believe she would not. Because when you leave a huge decision like this up to a teenager, the usual result is that they WANT to do the morally right thing. When you give them a chance at humanity, and make a heartfelt and meaningful request and promise to respect them


I have never once been disappointed.


Not even by a gang leader in the middle of a gang fight
Not even by a young man with a gun in my office
Not even by a young man with a huge knife in my office


not once.


Good luck. But you can also trust one thing more than I could have trusted in the above situations.


YOU RAISED THE GRADUATE. That new adult will KNOW the right thing to do.

SB

Good advice Schoolbus.
OW isn't even in question for this. WH still has her out of the circle of family. Yay.
I will use a lot of your reply in how to handle WH though. How to talk to grad. How to frame the situation so it empowers her to deal with the sucky state of WH's and my marriage.

It is a huge decision grad needs to make about her special occasion. I will state my own personal boundaries for her to work around with her Dad.

Just tell her that if she invites dad, then you just want to know so you can make arrangements for yourself. I wouldn't try to give her any advise on the dad issue unless she has a very specific question.

For example, if she says, "What do you want me to do?" your response is that you want her to decide for herself, it is her day, and you just want her to do what is right. And, then tell her that you have EVERY OUNCE of belief that her decision will be the very right thing.


IMHO, it is right for her to invite dad, but definitely NOT OW.

She may ask logistical questions, such as "where will you sit, where will he sit, what do you want me to tell him?"

My response to that question would be, "Well, when you decide what you want to do, I will be ready to make the necessary accommodations for myself. People who are adults can handle their own specifics, they just may need to know a few pieces of information to plan. Once you decide, I will get that information, and form my plan. I don't want you to worry about that issue. It is mine and I will handle it."


Then, don't talk to her about what you need to do to handle it if she does invite dad.

Form your plan, then if you need her to do anything specific, tell her. Like, if you just need to know where he may sit, tell her that you need that bit of info. Or, if you would like her to pose for pics somewhere and you are worried about his being there, tell her that your plan includes getting pics at such and such a spot, and you will wait for her to be done with dad and then she can meet you there WITHOUT him. She will understand, it just takes you to tell her what your plan is so she will feel safe, and be able to make you feel the same way.

this is do-able.


just plan

and then stick to the plan


sounds a lot like the same deal as Plan B, right? plan it, then work it.


you will be fine!

Awesome! Thanks for your input!

reading, My DD17 is graduating the end of May. It will also be the 2 year anniversary of DD NOT seeing XH. (her choice).

It was at her confirmation that he saw her and then she told him she did not want a R with him for awhile.

Last week she asked me if she should invite XH? I told her it was her choice and I was interested in knowing why especially after all of this time.

She said she wanted him to see that she made it without him in her life.

Not sure if this is a good reason but now she says she does not want him to come again. I think she likes the "idea". But there is no way PP would be invited at all.

It is tough but I like schoolbus advice. I told DD that I would support whatever decision she made.

Hi reading,

I was following along with your story and was hoping for an update. I watch your posts and was reading your story and am also educating myself on Plan B.

Are you still married to your WH?
Are you still in Plan B?
Did your DD grad ever invite your WH to her graduation?

How are you doing?

Thanks for any information on your story.

Ah.
Alas BrainHurts....she DID invite him.
I caught a brief glimpse of him there and he left before it was over so I never had to deal with him at it.

I am still married and still in plan B.

I am doing okay.

Thanks for the update.

A few more questions if you don't mind?

How long have you been in Plan B?

Do you have an end date for Plan B?

Is your WH still with his OW? Did she ever get divorced from her H?

How old are all your kids?

I will only answer two of those questions for personal reasons.
end date? until we either reconcile our marriage or the end of time
OW? Yes, she divorced her H right after D-day.

Thank you reading and I hope I didn't bother you.

I do admire your strength very much.