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Hey fellow MB'ers.
I have been divorced for over 2 years and have been seeing a wonderful woman for about 16 months. We complement each other very well and have a wonderful and healthy relationship. After the demise of my marriage, I took the MB principles to heart and have brought them to bear full force in my new relationship. She has a wonderful family with parents who have been happily married for over 40 years and we agree on basically everything. We even talk about marriage and kids in our future.
So here is the dilemma and where I need some expert advice. What would you do if you found out that your girlfriend was the OW in someone�s marriage for a period of about a year in the 2005-2006 timeframe? Its a classic example of an OW who is �in love� with the MM but knows that it cannot go anywhere but is also �powerless� to end it. She knows all the details of my failed marriage and has expressed anger at my ex-wife for putting me through that kind of pain (this was in 2009). I recognize people make mistakes (especially in their mid 20s) and can learn from them and grow from them. In my opinion given the last 15 months together, I think she sincerely regrets her involvement there and wishes she could forget it. I think she is very pro-marriage and fidelity now, but I realize that this issue needs to be discussed to determine what she has learned from it. We need to have a serious discussion about her boundaries and what she has done to protect herself (and her relationships) from this ever happening again. Only then, can I move forward with her.
So what would you do? How would you approach this?
P.S. I�m going to try and find out tonight if contact has continued beyond 2006.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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How did her affair end? Was the BS advised of the affair? Does she still see ot talk to the OM?
Has your girlfriend forgiven herself for the affair and has she shown true remorse. If the affair ended without the BS knowing then she should have the courage to tell the truth to the BS. Following the MB principles will go a long way to cementing your relationship only if the past is cleared up.
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Hey fellow MB'ers. I have been divorced for over 2 years and have been seeing a wonderful woman for about 16 months. We complement each other very well and have a wonderful and healthy relationship. After the demise of my marriage, I took the MB principles to heart and have brought them to bear full force in my new relationship. She has a wonderful family with parents who have been happily married for over 40 years and we agree on basically everything. We even talk about marriage and kids in our future. So here is the dilemma and where I need some expert advice. What would you do if you found out that your girlfriend was the OW in someone�s marriage for a period of about a year in the 2005-2006 timeframe?  Its a classic example of an OW who is �in love� with the MM but knows that it cannot go anywhere but is also �powerless� to end it. She knows all the details of my failed marriage and has expressed anger at my ex-wife for putting me through that kind of pain (this was in 2009).   I recognize people make mistakes ( especially in their mid 20s) Age has no bearing on affairs) and can learn from them and grow from them. In my opinion given the last 15 months together, I think she sincerely regrets her involvement there and wishes she could forget it. I think she is very pro-marriage and fidelity now, but I realize that this issue needs to be discussed to determine what she has learned from it. We need to have a serious discussion about her boundaries and what she has done to protect herself (and her relationships) from this ever happening again. Only then, can I move forward with her. So what would you do? How would you approach this? P.S. I�m going to try and find out tonight if contact has continued beyond 2006.UF, I think you have some serious concerns here. I kept asking myself after 16 lonnnnngggggg months that something serious as her being the OW was not discussed in great detail. Why did you wait so long to have this discussion??? Because it was not polite?? So what her parents were married 40 years it did not stop her from having an A with a MM. If you are serious about this woman (and methinks you are), you will need to start counseling now before you take any leap of faith with her.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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UnF,
Has she apologized to all the people she hurt? OMW, etc, and does she carry a torch for OM.
Does she justify what happened with evasive or minimizing language?
And to be blunt are you falling for the same kind of woman again? I hope this is not true, but you may have to think this one over.
God Bless
Gamma
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Yes, I know unequivocally that the BS knew of this guy's multiple affairs. She found out by snooping and emailed my current girlfriend with a nice "F U" email. That was the last email in the chain, so Im not sure if contact continued after their divorce but I will check another source tonight to find out. She may talk to this guy via her regular email account, which I can check also, but I won't until tonight.
My gf has told me that given what I went through with my ex-wife, I have full access to her phone and computer at any time and can even install a keylogger if I want to. I believe she has forgiven herself for her role as the OW but also feels a great deal of regret about it.
Basically, Im hoping to have a discussion about how to have this conversation with her in a non-accusatory, interrogation sort of way. To have it in a way that promotes clarity and understanding and a path forward (if possible), because I do think she has learned from it. I just want to know what she has learned from it so I can make a decision about my life.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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UF, I think you have some serious concerns here.
I kept asking myself after 16 lonnnnngggggg months that something serious as her being the OW was not discussed in great detail. Why did you wait so long to have this discussion??? Because it was not polite?? Because I just found out about it this morning. If you are serious about this woman (and methinks you are), you will need to start counseling now before you take any leap of faith with her. I agree. This cannot be swept under the rug and must be discussed before we get any more serious. I am not going to unequivocally torch the relationship without opening up the discussion with her and getting her onboard with MB.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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Marrying a woman with infidelity in her past: Hi WW,
I am currently counseling three couples where the wife is having, or has had, numerous affairs during their marriage. In each case, they had at least one affair with a married man prior to their marriage. These couples now have children together, and the wife is still having affairs. You did not mention children, so I would assume that you don't have any yet. If you do have children, I would encourage you to do whatever possible to win her back, but if you do not, I would encourage a divorce. The three husbands that I am counseling will all tell you that trying to keep their marriage together has been the most painful experience of their lives.
The fact that you made love so infrequently after marriage is a huge red flag. Something is terribly wrong with your romantic relationship. And it stands next to the red flag of your wife having an affair with a married man prior to your marriage. Her secretive and sexual texting with the man she works with, combined with these other factors tells me that if you continue with this woman, the pattern is likely to continue throughout your marriage. You'll never be able to trust her.
Under the circumstances, I'd go ahead with your plan to confront your wife and her new lover, and then ask her to make a decision. If she wants to remain married to you, she must agree to never be apart from you overnight. You should immediately move to Texas to live with her, and find a job there, even if it means leaving your home in Michigan vacant. If she can't decide, get a divorce. While I'm sure that you are in love with her, you happen to have married a woman who is much more likely to have an affair than most other women, and that will make you worry about her relationship with other men throughout your lives together, even if she enthusiastically welcomes you back now.
Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I know how much effort you would have to put into this marriage to keep it together, and in the end she will probably divorce you anyway.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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UnF,
Has she apologized to all the people she hurt? OMW, etc, and does she carry a torch for OM. I have not seen any contact between her and the OM since 2006, but I will see what I can uncover tonight. She did not reply to the OMW when the OMW told her off. Does she justify what happened with evasive or minimizing language? Not that I know of or have seen in the emails. We'll see when I can discuss this with her. And to be blunt are you falling for the same kind of woman again? I hope this is not true, but you may have to think this one over.
God Bless
Gamma I don't think this is the case. She is nothing like my ex-wife.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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The one bit of light is she told you of the affair, there is hope albeit somewhat late in the day.
Last edited by Xau; 05/02/11 04:28 PM.
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[quote=hope3343]
UF, I think you have some serious concerns here.
I kept asking myself after 16 lonnnnngggggg months that something serious as her being the OW was not discussed in great detail. Why did you wait so long to have this discussion??? Because it was not polite??
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Thanks Melody. This is definitely a path that I have considered. But I also believe that people are redeemable and can learn from their mistakes. Thats why I'm asking how to go about discussing this with her to determine if she has learned and can get on board with MB principles or if I should just write off the relationship and walk away.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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[
I agree. This cannot be swept under the rug and must be discussed before we get any more serious. I am not going to Tunequivocally torch the relationship without opening up the discussion with her and getting her onboard with MB. You need to run, buddy. In your situation, you need to be very choosy to make sure you are not getting into another affair situation. Even Dr Harley would tell you there are major red flags here. I would run.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The one bit of light is she told you of the affair, there is hope albeit somewhat late in the day. To clear this up, she did not tell me about this. I found out from another source. Time to head out. I'll be back on later tonight.
Last edited by Unfettered; 05/02/11 04:39 PM.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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That was the last email in the chain, so Im not sure if contact continued after their divorce but I will check another source tonight to find out. She may talk to this guy via her regular email account, which I can check also, but I won't until tonight. If she still talks to this guy that should tell you right there that she hasn't changed one bit. Keep in mind when you choose a mate the love you feel now will quickly evaporate when/if she does things like that. In the past, she has demonstrated absolutely no respect for marriage and an utter lack of boundaries with herself. Something interesting I have found with some women is that they actually consider it FLATTERY when a married man hits on them. They don't seem to comprehend that they have just been insulted. [because only a ho would sleep with a married man, so the offer is the equivalent of being called a ho] I would ask her how it makes her feel when a married man hits on her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Methinks you must be cautious. Be open and honest with her and expect nothing less in return.
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The one bit of light is she told you of the affair, there is hope albeit somewhat late in the day. To clear this up, she did not tell me about this. I found out from another source. Time to head out. I'll be back on later tonight. ASK your momma what she thinks about this!! I know what I would tell you if you were my boy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I would be asking myself why would she conceal this information knowing your XS cheated on you and the devastation it caused. It is not something that would just slip her mind. She waited 16 months to "spill the beans". She has many hard questions that have to be asked. This is an excellent point. She knows your XW cheated on you...but does not tell you this is in her past? Also you mentioned the MM's wife sent her an FU letter and it is the last in the chain. I assume this means she did not apologize. Another So in addition to the affair there are two more redflags here. The problem with talking to her is that I am sure she is going to tell you what you want to hear (it was wrong, she wishes it never happened, etc). I am sorry, but I have to agree with the others. I would run run run...
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The one bit of light is she told you of the affair, there is hope albeit somewhat late in the day. To clear this up, she did not tell me about this. I found out from another source. So basically she would have concealed it "4-ever" till YOU found out. Now that is scary enough. You have just answered your own question on perspective and advice. R-U-N. Basically she is lying to you because of concealment. Would she have ever told you??? What you have to ask yourself is why do I think this "wonderful woman" is so wonderful? You deserve much better. Seriously. Blessings.
Me 55, XWH 53, M 22 years
D17, D30
alien replaces my husband "I'm not happy" -7/08
Discover OW-8/08 (his direct report and I work there also)
H moves out 10/1/08, confront Ow 10/28/08
Plan B 1/09
D final 12/09
Quote: "First thing you do is pray; when there is nothing else to do, continue to pray."
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Thanks for the responses, everyone.
When we first starting dating, she told me about an incident in her past that she considered to be cheating and commented that in her mind she had been on both sides of infidelity and they both felt awful and never wanted to be involved in that again. She disclosed it to me so I could determine whether I wanted to proceed in a relationship with her. I didn't have her go into details because based on the summary, I did not believe it to actually be cheating and neither did the guy she had the relationship with (and yes, I also know she disclosed it to him). I believe what she started to disclose and what I have just found out are the same situation. Obviously there is a fairly wide disconnect between the stories, but part of that is my fault for not probing deeper at the start. Had I delved deeper to and learned that she was the OW in someone's marriage, we would have had a much different conversation. In fact, the very conversation which we have to have now.
It does not mitigate in any way the severity of her role as the OW, but it does suggest to me that she might have learned something from that horrible mistake and could be redeemed like one of the WWs turned XWW that we see on these boards. Hopefully my investigation tonight will help determine the truth or fiction of that assumption.
In reality though, all will become clear in her reaction and demeanor when I broach the subject after I finish snooping.
Last edited by Unfettered; 05/02/11 10:07 PM.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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Ok, so just spent about 2 hours going through the other intel source and there is no indication of any contact beyond 2006. But there were plenty of other things to be found (not cheating) that were not conducive to a healthy relationship. She is a totally different person when talking to other male friends than she is with me. What perplexes me is that she told me I could look through her email whenever I wanted, but all this crap is there. All of her male friends talk to her in graphic sexual terms. I'm no prude and enjoy those exchanges but only inside a relationship. I guess she must just think that stuff is ok if she had no problem with me reading it.
I can no longer see how I could have the relationship I want with this person. Oh well, that sucks. She has been amazing with me in this relationship, but I cannot overlook the alter ego. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. I'll still talk to her about it, but it will be as part of a breakup conversation.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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