My husaband would never allow him to go to another school..I have no desire to remain in contact with the OM..This isnt a situation that I can control..

It is the right thing to do. But be prepared to present evidence.

And you will tell your BH that you will never allow yourself to go anywhere the OM is. So BH will have to go to the school on his even if he has to take off work.

And if your BH is being inappropriate with another woman that woman's husband must be told.

You are risking your marriage and your child's family by taking your son to that school and continuing to see your affair partner. Your H should take your son out of that school. You should NEVER see the OM again. NEVER. This is affairs start up again.

Your marriage cannot ever recover until you end ALL contact with the OM.


I would find out if he is having an affair before you accuse or call anyone up. But you first have the issue of your continued contact with the OM at your son's school. That is not right to jeopardize your son's family in that way.

No contact (NC) with the other man (OM) is the first step in the Marriage Builders recovery program. If you cannot commit to NC, then you and your betrayed husband (BH) cannot even begin to recover your marriage. There are no alternatives to NC. It is vital to recovery.

If it is absolutely impossible for you to move your son to a different school, then tell your BH that you will no longer be able to go to the school (EVER! No school concerts, PTO meetings, teachers conferences...nothing!) because you cannot risk any contact with the OM. Your BH may actually appreciate this gesture because contact between you and OM is likely very painful for your BH.

Oh, yes you can.
You already did hurt your son.

The "selfless mother" card cannot be played here.

You made the decision to screw up your son's education when you began your adultery at your son's place of learning.

You've been married 26 years. Your age must be early to mid 40's.
How old is this son of yours?

DRH,

You haven't check out of here, have you? I know the info is hard. Interact with it and do what's being asked... It works.

CV

How old is your son?
Find out if your H is having an affair, be it EA or PA, collect evidence and then expose.
Do not go anywhere OM is, including the school. You've been recommended to switch your son to a different school by several people here that know what they're talking about...it's important you and your husband sit down and discuss this because you cannot come in contact with OM and it would be a trigger for your husband to and you don't want to miss your son's important events, awards ceremonies, graduation, etc. Do not make light of this recommendation, the people here know and understand the reasons behind the principles here.
You have a lot of proving to do...your husband may or may not want to reconcile but you need to work on you and being the person you need to be, whether you reconcile or not. You can today become the person of integrity that he thought he married. It will take time and demonstration for him to see that and he may choose not to see it or care.
Come back here on a regular basis and interact with the seasoned vets that are here to help you.

DRH,

You need to expose OM to the school authorities, hopefully get him fired.

Persons in positions of TRUST and Authority are even more accountable than others.

By engaging a parent of a student OM is in a sense endangering the welfare of a child by helping to destroy the students family. You need to inform other parents and the administration.

God Bless
Gamma

Can you save this marriage?...NOPE!!!! The marriage that you once had with your husband is gone. Even if you reconcile, it will never be the same, it will always be different. Some say that they recovered from something like this and they are stronger than ever. But, those stories don't happen too often.

Both parties must be dedicated to making recovery work. Right now, it sounds like your husband isn't into recovering too much. You have to understand that you hurt him to the core. You stabbed him through the heart and you left a wound sooo deep he feels like he's slowly dying inside and there's nothing he can do to make it feel better. His self esteem is shot, his ego is crushed. He's on a roller coaster of emotions and he doesn't know how to get off. He is angry and sad. Then he's fine, then indifferent. Then the cycle starts all over again.

You might be getting mixed signals from him because you are all he ever knew and he doesn't know how to let go yet. The point is, you have to give him time. Time to heal, and even then there's no promises he will want to continue the marriage. Not what you wanted to hear, my words may hurt a little but it NOTHING like what you put your husband through with your actions. Think about that.

My question is why? And with all people, your kids teacher?

You ate the dessert, now you have to swallow your medicine and start down the path of recovery. You need to sit down with the school administrator and discuss how your son's teacher had an inappropriate relationship with you. If he is not fired, or willing to quit, you must switch schools, or never set foot on school grounds again, as long as the OM is there.

You have to take step number one if you want any chance of recovering your M.

Having been married to an educator for 42 years I am fully aware of all the pitfalls that particular dynamic brings.

You definitely will have to disassociate with that school completely or the OM will have to disassociate for your family to begin to heal.

Good Luck

I agree, the school should know, his family should know.

drh,

How old is your son? How long did the affair last? How long has your H known of the affair? How did he find out?

He is thinking of divorce because he does not know of anyway better to handle this. You have essentially told him you want the other man, not him. You have told him you don't love him or respect him. You have told him that he failed as a husband.

Given what you have told him by having your affair, can you think of why he would want to hang around? You would not, I would not, and he would not...however, there is one problem he cannot turn of the love he had/has for you, so you get mixed messages.

Now a prudent woman would read the articles about honesty, the policy of joint agreement, meeting needs, love busters, and realize that she has a very wounded human being on her side. She would also realize that she cannot heal him, but she can put salve on the wounds. She cannot tell him what to do, but she can tell him what and who she would like to do in the future, along with reasons for thinking in this manner.

You can save this marriage, because the window is still open. It will take TIME AND PATIENCE, T&P, to do this. The time scale is measure in years. Not all of it will be bad, but it will take time on that scale.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

God Bless,

JL