Who has told you to do this?

KC,
Do you know why you are seeing odd signs again? I'm a list person, so bear with me...

1. You still have not acknowledged it is an affair. some were cyber affairs, some may have been emotional, but I bet there is a PA in there as well. You need to some to grips with the fact she is cheating on you either over the web through e-mail chat or social networks, or she is cheating through giving her emotions and heart to someone else via personal or phone contact, or she is having a PA with someone

2. You never exposed her. Whether she is close to them or not, it needs to be blown wide open. She fears no repercussions so there is not impetus to stop. whether she is doing it consciously or not, she has you cuckolded.

3. Real love sets firm boundaries and says "you may go this far, but nor further". It does not walk over the other person, or deny them feelings of safety and hope. She is doing that by locking you out of her email, computer, etc... She is defining the boundaries.

My suggestion is to be rock-hard firm and lay the law down. Put the boundaries in place, don't waiver. Ever. It's hard to start with but gets easier. She will hem and haw, cuss, kick and scream. Most kids throw tantrums when u take their toys away and adulterous behavior is to say the least childish.


I'd start with these.

CV

I did and yes I was out of line with that. My apology. But after reading your last go around it riled me up a tad.

At this point it feels hard to discuss things without feelin as though I'm arguing.

If you notice, with my "new identity", one of the first things I said was that I am an enabler.

Again, you were not attacked by me THEN and have not been attacked today.

Celticvoyager, he was told EXACTLY that on his last thread and responded with attacks on the posters.

There's no use in admitting it if you don't do something to change it.

What is your plan to stop being an enabler? That's really what this is all about. Stop enabling and you can end the whole problem.

Then how would that be an "attack?" And yes, you are very argumentative. That is pretty much all you did on your last thread. Other posters characterized it as "shooting at the rescue helicopters." When anyone gave advice you didn't like, you attacked THEM.

Can you give me any reason to believe you would listen to our advice NOW when you didn't in the past? What has changed?

CV - does your wife work?

Can you offer any advice regarding practical boundaries when dealing with a "disability."

Also, I DO believe she has had affairs. I DO believe that cyber-sex is full-on cheating and in no way appropriate.

And as I said above, I have exposed in the past to her family. But I must admit that - as with some of the group here already - I feel like a broken record for repeating some of the same things. At this point - to go back and "re" expose - to tell her parents that she has recently had cyber-sex online - I would just feel weak.

I don't know why or how I'm so "unusual." I know that there must be others like me - who hold on to hope too long. Who continue to believe lies from liars.

I know I'm not "that" special. And if I truly am the worst enaber that Melody and others have see in "nine years" (that's the line the put me on the defensive last time), then maybe I am a waste of cyberspace.

My plan has been to try and find other things in my life to focus on.

The best things got were when I was truly, emotionally ready to move on.

When it became real for me, my wife felt it. And she began to give me enough hope that I was pulled back in.

I still struggle with the overall timeline - 14 years of honesty and faithfulness weighed against 2 years of lies, emotional affairs, and who really knows what else.

Ok. So don't argue. move on with the discussion. What have you read on the MB site so far?

Mel, just finished reading the thread (as much as I felt I needed to anyway). I saw what you are saying. There was a lot of defensiveness.

KC, I have felt me getting my Irish up once or twice. I find that instead of replying when i feel attacked, to step back, do something else for a few minutes and go back and re-read it. I am probably in the minority... I appreciate straight shooters. May not like it all the time, but I appreciate it. Might I advise the art of reading with understanding? Someone may not say something how we like it, but can we look at what is being said and glean the usefulness out of it?

So.... What has been implemented from the previous thread that has worked/not worked? I am curious.

Man I feel for you Really I do. But bottom line you have to MAN UP. Enough is enough. I would sit down and calmly tell her you have had enough. Outline a devised plan and tell her this is required or YOUR out of here. No angry outbursts and cool as a cucumber. Cut off the cell and password all PCs so she cant go online. Tell her if she goes out she will find new locks and her bags at the door. Saddle up your boys and draw a hard line. I dont know how you can sit idly by and watch this action. I couldn't and wouldn't.

Having problems with quotes and long posts making my screen jump...

CV - I've never done an offical Plan A or Plan B. I thought things were going better. It had seemed better going back to late November of last year.

I think my biggest (recent) mistake was in not demanding passwords, openness and transparency. This allowed her to slip back into old habits - just in a new way - using Yahoo messenger and some unknown cam website.

At this point there is a password on the laptop and on her phone. From a practical standpoint, how do I "make" her take them off?

Thank you Hills. For what its worth...

The cell phone is in her name.

Help me with the counter-argument here.

If I tell her I "need" the laptop and phone unlocked, she'll say I"m controlling and she deserves privacy.

Also - from a REAL-life, practical standpoint - how do you handle it if they leave to go out and you don't trust them? Do you truly pack their bags? Truly change the locks? What do you tell the kids when Mommy is banging on the doors at 3am and you won't let her inside?

Tell her simply that if she wants to stay she needs to either come clean or hit the road. You cant force her, but you can lay boundaries.

Here ya go!

Can you define "come clean"?

Full access to the laptop and her phone? No more passwords? Tell me everything? Answer all questions?

All of the above?

And if she refuses to come clean, then do I begin the filling process? I really don't think there is much more that I can do...

Hey KC, I believe the only argument you will ever need in this situation is: Goodbye

Melody - thank you.

I truly never meant to shoot at the rescue copters (nice analogy by someone btw).

To be honest, I'm just afraid of what will happen if we divorce. Because she doesn't work, there isn't much of a "pie" to split. In some ways staying together - but living indepedently - sounds easier.

I know I'm not the first person to feel this way...