Sincerely asking Kenmore - why?

I am giving you my HONEST suggestion:

Remove the laptop from your home. I initially was going to suggest smashing it on the floor -- but maybe just storing it at your office or a friends house will suffice.

Next shut off the cell phone.

Do both of these on the same day. When she throws the anticipated hissy fit, sit down with her and tell her that it ends today. There will be no more secrecy in this marriage.

In order for the laptop to return, she must give you the password. (then you will install spyware before it comes back into the house)

In order for the cell phone to be turned back on, she must give you the password (then you will install flexi-spy or other spying software on the phone.)

She must commit to new behaviors. Or this marriage is in great jeopardy.

Lex - the laptop is likely hers, legally. Is that an issue?

The phone truly is hers. I can't shut it off. I can only begin to segregate finances and refuse to "help" pay for "her" things.

Make sense?

ok - she has no job, right?

so how did she get a phone in her name? How does she pay that bill? Stop paying for her affairs.

Get your hands on that phone and smash it into a million pieces.

I wouldn't care if it is "legally" hers. It is a HUGE threat to your marriage.

Drop it on the floor if that works better for ya. I was seeking a way for you to not have to damage it.

The bottom line is the phone and the computer have to go.

And you need to cut her off financially so she doesn't just run out and replace them.

When things become so screwed up and beyond reasonable repair I would rather flatten the earth and build new

Lex - she has some disability income. More than enough to cover the phone - but not nearly enough to live on her own.

just fyi...

So you think that even allowing me to have access to the phone and laptop wouldn't be enough?

Is serial cheating an addiction? Its not like she's fallen in love with some other man. And no - I'm not defending her. Its not right - and I would never do what she's done. But it does seem to be different than a "classic" affair.

I think what happens - or has happened - is she gets men interested by flirting online. Then likely there is phone or text or cyber sex. But then the guys seem to go away after a short period of "whatever." I'm guessing that some of these guys are lead-on by the expectatino of real life sex and maybe they leave her alone when they figure out it isn't going to happen.

Given that she has Fibro and CFS - she's NOT in good physical shape. She showed me one of her online persona's before and it was a pic of someone much younger and thinner. She somehow tried to use this as justification - that it was OK to have cybersex because it wasn't "her" these guys thought they were talking to.

yeah...

KCS,

Ok, read the first page, read the last page, and if I recall correctly I read your posts the last time you were here.

What I see here is a lack of thought on your part. This lack of thought has led to a lack of boundaries. The lack of boundaries has led to you becoming very frustrated with your W's behavior. This frustration has led to NO productive action on your part. The lack of productive action has left you with three options all of which are BAD.

Option 1. Just let her do what she is doing.

Option 2. Yell and raise H$LL and try to brow beat her into changing.

Option 3. Divorce.

So let's trying thinking for a bit. What is it about her actions that really bothers you? What is it about her actions that causes you to freeze in fear rather than take productive action? What is it about her actions that violates your boundaries?

Why don't you focus on these things. You see until you understand your own reaction beyond the gut level: "It is wrong." You have no way to communicate with her in a way she may understand.

Which brings me to something else, have you ever asked her what she fears, what she desires, and what her goals are in life? Rather than yell at her about the stupid cell phone, gather some data.

There is a famous saying by John Madden, the football coach, and announcer that you might want to consider. Young man you don't know where the fire is, you just see smoke on the horizon.

Please think about this and then lets talk.

God Bless,

JL

One step at a time. Start with full access to the phones, laptops, xbox, whatever there is a password on. Then if and when you collect enough info, have the other conversations.

JL - interesting reply.

I honestly don't know if its lack of thought or TOO MUCH thought.

Does that make any sense?

I just read all six pages and honestly, by now you should have already destroyed her cellphone and her laptop. Good grief. And expose to her family, let her parents know what she's up to, tell anyone who will listen. Good grief again! Don't just sit there, your inertia is costing you your family! I don't know if you realize how privileged you are to have some good veterans on here advising you...listen and heed before they feel like it's a total waste of their time and leave. I only wish to God they'd been on my thread when I needed it three years ago! They can help you if you let them but if you come back with excuses why you can't do this or that they'll tire and go away and you'll be left with your non-marriage.

kcs,

Lack! I'll take her side on this for a moment.

"What is wrong with talking to other men? You talk to women right? What is wrong with looking at porn or talking about sex, I'm not doing it with anyone else? Why does it bother you that I talk to other men when you are not around or you are asleep? I think you are just insecure."

Got any answers for those questions? Please reread what I posted before and start getting some real answers. Until you do, you have nothing to say to her that is persuasive. Your call, start thinking, start developing a plan or start divorce proceeding.

God Bless,

JL

If you cant take the toys away from a baby that may harm the baby then GROW A PAIR. I think I said this yesterday. GROW A PAIR. Walk over to the lap with a hammer and bust the lcd. (Lcds are easy to replace even by a non tech, so no long term damage is done to the drives that could be used as YOUR evidence) Then find that nasty little toy phone of hers and smash it to smithereens. Make sure if it has a sim to completely remove and take the sim (also evidence). Welcome, you just grew a pair.