thanks, she just called me and asked where i went, i told her i was struggling with things but said i would run back home and talk about it. thanks you guys rock!!!

You've made some huge mistakes right now. Revealing this website was a starter.

Conceding that you won't use the biggest stick you have to kill the affair was another big mistake.

SHE is the one who messed up her job, not you.

The first thing I would do in your shoes is find your bal*s. Look for them because they're the only thing that will actually save your marriage right now.

Fear will not.

Now, you don't have kids. You have nothing to lose with doing what must be done.

The very first thing I would do is tell her tonight that you will do whatever is necessary to save your marriage, but that you will not stay in a marriage where she chooses to stay in contact with a man she had an affair with.

If she tells you that she's happy at this job and that you are ruining thigns, then you must use some mental akido and turn it around her on her. "Yes, I know you love this job, which makes it all the more tragic that YOU ruined it by having this affair."

Quiting her job is not an option.

You must be willing to face the consequences and more importantly make HER face the consequences of her actions.

Tell her that nothing is off the table in terms of killing this affair.

Exposure is not an option for saving your marriage. There is no "meeting in the middle" in terms of exposure. Waywards lose their rights to negotiate anything. You MUST expose.

Start with family. Then find the OM's girlfriend or wife and expose to her.

You must then expose to the workplace. It's not an option.

She will say that you broke your promise to not expose.

You need to respond with, "Promising to let you stay in a job where you'd see OM daily was a mistake. Quitting that job is not an option if you want to stay married to me. YOU messed this up, not me."

Say this with spine and without emotion. Think James Bond.

Your wife will respect steely determination more than appeasement. Right now you're appeasing and enabling your wife's continued emotional affair.

What you're doing is no different than standing by the bed while she has sex with OM and holding a towel for them to use after their done. Then, once they've thrown their towel at you, you hand them some water to recharge themselves for round two.

THAT is what you're doing by doing as your wife wishes.

Which man would you rather be? The calm and cool James Bond type that knows what needs to be done or the enabling and wimpy one who will go along with the wife's wishes in order to enable future affairs?

What HTTLD said.

If you do, give her DR H's own explanation. Your's make no sence whatsoever. Read it yourself several times over till it sinks in..


Good luck to you dbyl.

All Blessings,
Jerry

And your WW succeeded in what she was trying to do, get you to back off and let her keep having contact with her affair partner. These are wayward tactics that are used frequently ~ saying they would be losing their "dream job" or that they will look for another job. I don't think I have ever seen a WS say this and then follow through with leaving. She isn't going to want to give up the crackpipe (OM). That is the addictive nature of affairs.

That is why exposure is recommended. It is the only thing that works to bust up the fantasy of the A. It takes the fun out of seeing OM at work every day, knowing that everybody knows.


Have you discussed your plans for exposure with your WW???

I think I know the problem here, dbyl. You are operating under Pre-A Rules. You know, the good old days, back when you trusted each other 100% and just KNEW your marriage with its few little bumps was essentially rock-solid.

You've got to stop that line of thinking post-haste. It will not serve you now. You are now in a fight for the life of your marriage, and the old rules (which were terrible ones that most of us innocently lived with, btw) no longer apply.

It's not a matter of her quitting the job if it's convenient, or helps her career. That does not matter now. She changed the rules when she had an affair with a co-worker! She no longer gets the luxury of calling the shots on her career!

Your marriage will not survive on-going contact between these two. Don't listen to her drivel for one minute. She sounds like a drunk who says they can quit drinking whenever they want to...they just never do.

Meeting in the middle is not an option with an affair-addled spouse.

The thing that keeps popping up in my mind is why she likes this job more than the others she has had? Is it really the job or the co-worker she does not want to leave. Is this job really that much different?

Unfortunately you've done a very foolish thing. By threatening exposure and telling her about this site, you've basically done the equivalent of the Americans giving the Japanese three days' warning before sending over the Enola Gay. Do you think the end result would have been the same?



Yes, I felt exactly that way too. And I was misleading myself badly. The end result was six more months' of suffering, wondering if my WW would still be "getting it on" with the OM at the office while they still worked together.



...and that's exactly what you are going to be doing if your WW continues to work with the OM.

MB Folks,

Thanks again for all the advice and support.

i thought i was just being honest about sharing this website with her as i thought it had good information that she should start reading and that we could both benefit from.

she thinks im just going to listen to whatever anyone says on this forum. i explained that i need someone to be my sounding board as this is new territory for me.

i have nothing to hide and i was hoping that once she saw the advice i was getting she would realize that its good advice. but she looks at it like how could i listen to a bunch of people that do not know us and why would they say to do such a horrible thing as to publicly expose and humiliate her to her company. i said these are people that have been through this themselves and know way more then i do about what im going through.

i told her that even though she doesn't deal with the OM on anything more then a professional level and that she is still emotional attached to him if she realizes it or not. she said she isn't (but admitted she still had feelings for him but would not act on it). if you are addicted to crack and the pipe is right there you are going to hit the rock...maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but eventually its going to tell convince you otherwise. She said she only sees him in meetings and that they do not sit next to each other any more but i told her she is human and still going thru withdrawals from him and that is something that is hard to ignore.

i told her i was supposed to expose her if she would not quit, bad idea i know, i wasn't supposed to tell her that i was just supposed to expose her. but i just can't do that to her. and if that ends up being the thing that ruins this marriage then that is a decision i will have to live with.

she insists that she is not trying to keep her job because she is emotional attached the to OM but rather that she is emotionally attached to her job.

she seems really genuine about looking for another job as she just called and asked if i could email her resume to her which shows me that she does care about this marriage.

and she called me wondering where i left to this morning and said she wasn't just going to leave for work without talking to me about what i was feeling. and i really appreciated that.

i know im not following DR H's plan to perfection but everyone's situation is different and I need to take what is being said and make my own decisions on what is best for us.

im still struggling with feeling like a stranger in my own house. knowing that he was in my home is driving me crazy. she insists that nothing happened in our home and i want to believe her but that as you can imagine is a really hard.

since i know that she is reading these posts i want to make sure im clear in saying that i have done some hurtful things over the past couple years to my wife emotionally some i realized and some i did not and for that i am truly sorry and take full responsibility for and it breaks my heart to know that i made her feel those things.

i keep saying to myself that she is my best friend and how could she do that to me and at the same time i realize that i did some things to her that i would never do to my best friend. even though what i did was not infidelity they were things that i regret beyond belief.

i not going to blame myself for the infidelity but i do admit that i did not meet her most simple emotional needs and am working on trying to save our marriage. its only day 2 back home and yesterday was really hard for me. doing the exact opposite of what i really wanted to do and say was soooo hard. but im trying to be calm and respectful and fill that love bank.

i kept referring to the love bank and my wife said she heard that same thing on Housewives of Orange County. I can't believe i just referenced what has to be one of the worst shows ever

in closing i love my wife, she is my best friend and im going to fight for her!!!!!!!!!
_______________

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/coworker
Day 2 back home but in good spirits

I'll bet she was more concerned that you were going to expose her at her office, and she wanted to save herself from the embarrassment!



No, it isn't. Really. And not only are you NOT following Harley's plan, you've basically given away the entire plan to your active WW. Good luck with that.

Stop waffling and save your marriage , expose the affair at work , to family and friends.

Oh, dear. Where to start.

Would you share your battle plans with the General on the enemy's side? Your WW is on the side of the enemy right now. The enemy is the affair. You've tipped your hand and she knows your battle plans now. Not good.

I think I'm going to have to put my response to this in my sig line, because there's been a rash of betrayed spouses lately who seem hell-bent on showing their wayward the error of their ways:
You cannot educate or reason with a wayward.


She can't have it both ways. She can't say she isn't emotionally attached out of one side of her mouth while she's saying she's got emotions for him out of the other side of her mouth.

Your call.

You actually bought that? She's playing you like a fiddle. She has no intention of quitting that job. She just wants to get you off her back.

You're doing nothing of the kind. You busted her affair and she has successfully negotiated with you to keep her OM in the picture. She's going to be much more careful in the future, so you won't be so quick to catch her. That's too bad. I hate to see a betrayed spouse roll over for a wayward. Good luck with that, though.

What you need to absorb and FAST is that this is not your DW but rather a WS. Since affairs act like an addiction on the brain, all waywards say and do very similar things. We can better predict what your WW is going to do than you can because she is WAYWARD and she isn't going to put the crackpipe down. She is going to do whatever she can to get you to go along with her plans...

Do you have a GPS/VAR in the car? Access to her cell phone records and email? Keylogger on the computer? If you refuse to listen to our advice about exposure, at the very least be a super sleuth (DO NOT TELL YOUR W!!!) so that you can have all the facts about what is going on.

IDK if it has already been answered but is this OM married?

MB FOLKS, im sure you are all correct. She was probably more concerned about me exposing her, I didn't even think about that!!!!

I'm really bad at this [censored]!

Thanks for the advice and I only hope at this point I haven't ruined any chance to save my marriage.

Nice reference to WW2.
__________________

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/coworker
I think the dog is sad

MB Folks,

OM is not married. I do have access to phone records but not the nothing else. I want to believe her about everything she is telling me now. she seems to be being very honest and im just being naive.

Thanks for the advice

BS 40
WS 37
dog
A w/coworker
Im not good at this

Your being naive , the fact that she is at work with him feeds her addiction and that on turn places demands for more contact.

And you have verified this yourself, independently?

FWIW, I'd suggest that you seriously consider what do you with this thread at this point. As you've now alerted your WW to this site, AND you have informed her that you are receiving advice from people here, can you guess what she's likely to do next?

If she finds this thread, she's likely going to use ANY advice that you receive her to HER advantage.

Do you have any idea how often we've been told that "everyone's situation is different."

Nothing you've told us leads us to believe that she's any different than any other wayward we've ever seen on here before. In fact, we are the audience watching the horror movie for the 40th time.

You can't hear the scary music that you're about to die.

You're like a man out in a thunder storm thinking that all is well when there is a tornado coming right on top of you.

We've seen your type on this forum a million times. In fact, I was your type. I too heard the advice on here and thought, "They don't know my WW. My situation is unique and different from theirs. My WW will respond better to what I do."

And I was wrong.

The only thing that truly works with a WW is growing a set of cajones and taking action that scares you.

Expose her at work today. Bring the affair out of secrecy and into the light.

Call the OM and tell him to stay the he77 away from your W.

Let your wife know that she either leaves that job and ends all contact with OM for life or that she will find herself on the other end of a divorce petition and charges of adultery.

You show the stick of Plan A. Then, after you let her know what you'll do if she continues her behavior, you invite her to a nice dinner or bake her a nice batch of cinnamon rolls. You act like James Bond. You stay cool and calm and unwavering.