On February 26th,

The biggest problem I see here is that it os unlikely that you have the truth. As long as she withholds the truth from you, your marriage cannot recover. Trust can never be restored while she lies to you. My suggestion would be to arrange a polygraph and tell her 2 days before the appointment. Hand her a list of questions and give her one last opportunity to come clean before the polygraph.

You really have nothing to lose because as long as she continues to lie to you, your marriage will never recover and since she is likely covering for someone at work, the affair will resume. Way wards protect their affair partners for a reason: to protect the affair so she can resume it. As long as you don't know for sure, your marriage is at risk.

Several of our members have used this tactic to get to the truth and it saved their marriages. If she is telling the truth you will be reassured and can move on. The game she is playing, withholding and trickle truth, is more likely to destroy your marriage than her initial affair. Most spouses can overcome the affair, they can't overcome the lies and head games.

Not a vet at all by MB standards but certainly a vet of the emotions you are describing.

Sounds as though you might want to consider the folowing:

a. need to see your GP?

b. what do you have in your life that you enjoy for you?

c. See a counsellor about exploring where these extreme feelings are coming from.

d. listen to the vets and also work on your self esteem, your wife hardly seems to be in the fog, is working to repair things and wants to be with you......look at the good stuff too.

Anti-depressants can be very, very helpful.

Also, don't be surprised at the depth of your grief. It is like a death. The woman you thought you were married to doesn't exist. The faithful marriage you thought you had isn't there.

In some ways it WOULD be easier if she had died. When your wife dies, you get a huge outpouring of sympathy from the world at large. You go through whatever rituals are in place for your particular religion and local culture to mark the end of life. You know that the relationship is over and hopefully you had a chance to say goodbye. In many religions there is the hope that you will see each other again in a better place.

When your spouse betrays your trust, there is no sympathy. There are no rituals. It's as though the person you loved has been taken over by aliens. There is little hope of a restored relationship because you don't even know if you had a relationship with the real person, or with an imitation of who that person REALLY is.

Early in our dating relationship, my XH told me that he isn't a very good liar. He repeated that message several times during our marriage. I was shocked to my very core when I realized that he IS a good liar. I had believed so many lies through the years because he had me convinced that he doesn't lie. I still feel like I've entered a parallel universe, and it's been 2 1/2 years since our first separation (which he initiated to pursue the OW).

OldWarHorse, the problem is that, as MelodyLane pointed out, your wife has not given you all of the information regarding her adulterous activities, and your gut is telling you there is far more to it than what she said.

If you don't have all of the information that she does -- e.g., the OM, the circumstances, locations, occurrences, etc. -- you don't know what beast you are fighting, and you cannot prepare your best to protect your M.

Moreover, if your wayward wife won't cop to details and be totally open and honest, then she has not learned her lesson. She may "feel bad" now about getting caught, and she may even feel bad for causing you pain, but if she doesn't realize that honest and trust in the commitment you two have to marriage is the only way to rebuild, then you are only building a false recovery.

She's lying to protect herself, her affair partner, and even continuance of the affair. Without you knowing about it all, it's a much more easily viable option. And without her facing down what made her cheat in the first place, she'll be that much more likely to do it all over again.


Whole article here.

I agree he should see a doctor for his depression. That is a great suggestion. As far as his feelings, we know where they are coming from. An affair is the worst thing that can happen to someone. He is not only recovering from that shock, but is dealing with some possible serious gas lighting from a dishonest wayward wife. People have nervous breakdowns from being abused like that.

Old War Horse, Tell us a little more about yourself. How long Married , children ETC.
Melody gives great advice , me well not as great. I know what your feeling as yesterday was one of the hardest days I have had in a while. UGH!
But here is one thing I see. It was an Affair not a almost. It may have only been an EA fixing to cross over to an PA but yet it still was an Affair. Thus your inner hurt of betrayal and pain.
If I was you I would be snooping and I think many are going to tell you if they work together that she needs to quit her job. Im sorry to say if you didnt kill the A yourself it likely still exists or is sitting on a branch waiting to pounce.

Kirby: thanks.

PS

Sig Line is is "my Stuff" At top of the page. Drop down menu "edit profile"

FIRING that counselor was a very smart move. You wont solve any of your M issues by playing the blame game or delving in the past mistakes.
Many Waywards dont get that the emotions we have are ones that are stronger than losing a family member to death. Devastating isnt even a strong enough word for it and I can yet find one that fully describes it.
Some days I feel empowered and some days like I could bite the bullet gladly to relieve the stress and pain. Many of us newly betrayed here have this same issue. Its something unfortunately unavoidable. Even when our spouse is on board.

Going right to your two queries:

how long I can expect the pain and resentment to blind-side and debilitate me

This is not a question of chronology; it's a question of accomplishment. You can count on periodic spasms of doubt, rage, and depression (rage withour recourse) until you are satisfied about certain things:

• You are in possession of full knowledge about every facet of the relationship between WW and OM - what, when, how long, etc
• You are comfortable that her feelings for him are over, and she'll never betray you again

And you cannot accomplish either of those on your own. WW has to "carry the water" in those efforts.

Which leads us to the second query:

Any words of advice or encouragement?

Encouragement first: Yes, you can get past this. I did, even without the direct benefit of this site.

Advice: Time for a SERIOUS discussion with WW. She either doesn't know, or doesn't care, that what she broke, only she can fix (and the sh**-for-brains counsellor was no help here). This must be made clear to her, if not by you, then by a counsellor with more talent than the last moron.

Look, she's obviously aware that you're hurting ("but she sees it and is hurt by it"). Until I hear from you otherwise, I'll just charitably attribute her lack of effective action to abject ignorance, not damnable malevolence. Tell her that an expert-not-to-be-named has advised you that she had better understand that repairing your marriage primarily falls on her.

If the 25-watt bulb goes on for her, get a copy of Surviving an Affair, and digest it together.
If she remains obtuse, you and she should seriously consider a telephone session with the Harleys.

Yes SSA is a must read if u haven't. And you may want to reconsider meds for those ugly days.

Thanks

Dr H says anywhere from 2-5 years or for some LONGER. "as I'm notorious for being a very slow forgiver, a never-forgetter"

Is the OM someone she works with?

Google

Agreed. We did it alone and it was horrible for me. I had never felt more abandoned, alone, like I just didn't care or want to live... I have gotten better with time. I don't think about driving over the bridge like I used to. I don't cry myself to sleep every night like I did the first 2.5 years mourning the death of my old wife. But about once a month or so I still get blue.

Also, find a sympathetic ear to talk to... Someone you love and trust (same sex, brother, dad, friend), who will just listen and be your friend. It is what I longed for during my first 2.5 yrs...

CV

Sorry you're here OldWarHorse.

WW is lying to you. OM is lying to you. Does OM have a wife? You should give her a call.

Quote:

Sex may not be involved in some affairs. The relationship may be merely an emotional liaison. **edit** warns that these so-called "affairs of the heart can be even more treacherous than the purely physical kind. Women, particularly, are inclined to leave their husbands when they feel a strong emotional bond with another man."

This is a hard one to get past... My FWW divulged *everything* to me.. As one person put it the details of the details... I confronted the 1st OM and he lied his A off. Said that they only slept together 1x (she said it was 4-5), said she pursued him... I had to make a command decision on which liar i was going to believe...

The one trying to CYA or the one who let it all hang out... I chose the latter. I'd write this guys a cease and desist letter... Tell him NO contact... better yet, have her write it. get it to him in the most personal way possible... End the travelling for her. Better yet, have her find a new job. No contact from him or to him ever again...

CV

OldWarHorse,

This is going to sound very weird to you. Have your W get print outs of the phone calls that occured every week. Tell her OM denies it was him and that the two of them did not talk.

You are trying to establish trust and as odd as it sounds you need to trust that she told you things that were true even if they mean they hurt you alot.

Oh, and if you have read here for awhile as you indicate, you do know that Harley is big on plans. What is your plan for recovering the marriage and making it better? What is her plan for doing the same?

Here is something else that many folks confuse. The think that if they forgive someone that means they also forget what happened or that what happened does not hurt them. Wrong.

Forgiveness, means you lay down the ability to seek revenge, punishment, etc. for what someone has done. You can forgive someone and never give them another chance or trust them again.

Forgiveness is for you to give and it really helps you more than the person you are fogiving.

Think about it.

JL