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Joined: Nov 2003
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At this point in my personal recovery (after ex-WH had an A and then divorce) I personally would never think of having a professional picture taken with me, my children and my ex together.

I'm dealing with this situation: There's a guy I'm dating and I just found out that he and his ex wife had their picture taken with their daughter. I knew he and his daughter had one taken together (because he told me) but he never mentioned the three of them had one together. I just happened to see it on his daughter's FB.

What do you all think about having pics taken with your ex's? Isn't this a little like trying to pretend they're still a happy family?? This has rubbed me completely wrong but of course I'm second guessing myself.

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Originally Posted by SidneyT
What do you all think about having pics taken with your ex's? Isn't this a little like trying to pretend they're still a happy family?? This has rubbed me completely wrong but of course I'm second guessing myself.

I would feel the same way you do. It seems wrong.

I, personally, have almost no contact with my ex, and I certainly wouldn't pose for a formal "family" portrait with him. My immediate family is now me and my kids.

Have you asked him about it? Is this something that the daughter requested? He may feel weird about it and that's why he didn't mention it.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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Not in this lifetime. I'd have a very hard time with anyone I was dating doing so either. Sounds just too much like a 'I'm not over this yet" kind of thing.

Just my opinion though.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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Originally Posted by SidneyT
At this point in my personal recovery (after ex-WH had an A and then divorce) I personally would never think of having a professional picture taken with me, my children and my ex together.

I'm dealing with this situation: There's a guy I'm dating and I just found out that he and his ex wife had their picture taken with their daughter. I knew he and his daughter had one taken together (because he told me) but he never mentioned the three of them had one together. I just happened to see it on his daughter's FB.

What do you all think about having pics taken with your ex's? Isn't this a little like trying to pretend they're still a happy family?? This has rubbed me completely wrong but of course I'm second guessing myself.

I think the guy you are dating has every right to take whatever "family portrait" he desires.

And ..... I also think this portrait should serve as a wake up call to you that you are probably dating future heartache.

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Once again Pep has hit the nail squarely on the head.

With a sledgehammer.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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Hi everyone! I used to post years ago under TrulyHappyToBe, forgot my passwords, etc., so I re-registered today to chime in on this thread.

I'm divorced for 7 years, my BF has been divorced for 12 years, and has 3 children. Since we have been together (for 6 years now), we've experienced one child's wedding, and one child's college graduation. Both the ex-wife and her BF, and me and my BF attended both functions and "family" photos were taken - of the bride and groom, father and mother and siblings. I wasn't offended in the least. The bride I'm sure is happy that her Mom and Dad are civil enough to be able to sit for a photo that she will have in her album for the rest of her life. I was included in a photo with the bride and groom and my
BF for our own little "family" photo.

At the graduation, my BF and myself, along with the graduate took our own group photo, the ex wife and her BF took their own group photo, and then the entire "real" family took a photo. I'm sure she too is happy that she has a photo with her family to commerate her milestone achievement. I feel that it showed that both parents are supportive of their children and put their own needs aside for the welfare of their child. I would think it hurtful to the child if the divorced parents were too selfish to be able to put their own needs and feelings aside to take a simple photograph for the sake of the kids. None of us involved have any delusions or are offended by the exes sitting for a photo with their children, and there are no delusions of the possibility of the "family" being reunited. I feel that it's simply a matter of fact that these two adults had children, and that fact alone means that they will be in each other's lives for the remainder of their children's lives and milestones. Just my two cents.

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I think a lot is how and why people are ex spouses.
If they were not meeting each other's emotional needs and agreed to call it quits its one thing. If one betrayed the other and cheated pre-divorce it is quite another.

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Originally Posted by reading
I think a lot is how and why people are ex spouses.
If they were not meeting each other's emotional needs and agreed to call it quits its one thing. If one betrayed the other and cheated pre-divorce it is quite another.

I have to agree with this, and add in, the length of time since the D would probably play a part. It did with me.

I could see for example, my ExH and I in the same 'wedding' picture for one of our kids, but that's about it. We've been divorced for gosh, 24 years? Long time. I was surprised that we managed to share a hug after the birth of our first grandchild, and that was purely relief upon hearing momma and baby came out of the C-section just fine, after 3 days of trying to induce labor. We were both nervous wrecks waiting that night.

My stbxh? Heck no. I've been scanning in pictures lately, and there are only three times when we have been in the same picture as it is, last one was 14 yrs ago. Other two? Wedding pics and one when we were dating that's a polaroid. No, can't see that happening in this lifetime, not with the stbxh.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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Good morning all!

I guess each situation is different - and the relationship between exes plays a big part in how these types of situations are handled. Speaking only for myself, I'm incredibly grateful that the relationship between he and his ex-wife is at the very minimum civil - to the point that we can all be in the same place at the same time without throwing knives at one another. And yes, adultery was at issue in both my BF's and my marriage.

I feel that it is hugely important for the kids to see that even though Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, that they can act like adults when around one another - I think it sets a great example for the children, and it makes things a whole lot easier for all.



Last edited by Lauraszoo; 06/30/11 10:08 AM.
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Originally Posted by Lauraszoo
act like adults when around one another -

There is a world of difference between being civil and posing for a "family portrait" with the X-spouse.

Quote
we can all be in the same place at the same time without throwing knives at one another

No one but you is talking about "throwing knives".

Anyway, if this "family portrait" with the X spouse makes the original poster queasy, she has every right to feel queasy. And, she should not carry this relationship any further if she expects something different.

The old adage...

"It is what it is" applies here.


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Originally Posted by Lauraszoo
I feel that it is hugely important for the kids to see that even though Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, that they can act like adults when around one another - I think it sets a great example for the children, and it makes things a whole lot easier for all.

There is a world of difference between 'acting like adults' and posing for a family portrait at say your local Department store, which is what I'm guessing the OP was talking about.

As for great examples for the children, yes, in a weird way, I can understand this. Sure beats throwing knives, but it also rather reeks to me of sweeping issues under the rug too and pretending it's all ok.

Again, this is my opinion.


I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Lauraszoo
act like adults when around one another -

There is a world of difference between being civil and posing for a "family portrait" with the X-spouse.

Quote
we can all be in the same place at the same time without throwing knives at one another

No one but you is talking about "throwing knives".

Anyway, if this "family portrait" with the X spouse makes the original poster queasy, she has every right to feel queasy. And, she should not carry this relationship any further if she expects something different.

The old adage...

"It is what it is" applies here.

The throwing knives at each other reference was just my way of describing the two spectrums of possible reactions when in a room with ones ex-spouse. Nothing more than that.

I will concede that if the OP means that her BF is going to a professional photographer with his kids and ex wife for a formal "family portrait" for no reason - then yes, it's odd and there are issues there. I will stand by my opinion that in the case of a photograph being taken of the "real" family at some sort of family event (graduation, wedding, etc.)that there is nothing wrong with that. The old addage as you mention above of "it is what it is" is true - the exes share children and will always be parents to the children no matter how many years go by, and no matter the circumstances of the divorce - and the needs of the children should always come first, and if the children want a photo at their wedding of Mom, Dad and the rest of the "real" family, then the exes should sit for a photo together - and it wouldn't make me queasy in the least.

But, that's just me, throwing my two cents in.

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Originally Posted by Lauraszoo
- and it wouldn't make me queasy in the least.

It bothers the OP.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Lauraszoo
- and it wouldn't make me queasy in the least.

It bothers the OP.

The OP solicited opinions - I was merely giving mine. I will bow out gracefully.

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Originally Posted by Lauraszoo
I feel that it is hugely important for the kids to see that even though Mommy and Daddy are no longer together, that they can act like adults when around one another - I think it sets a great example for the children, and it makes things a whole lot easier for all.

On what basis is it "adult" for divorced spouses to remain in contact? Who says that is "adult?" More often than not, it is just the opposite. Folks don't get divorced because their spouse was singing too loud in church, but because the marriage was INTOLERABLE. A little critical thinking should bring one to the conclusion that if the marriage was intolerable, that a "friendship" would be no better.

Most divorces are not amicable, despite chick flicks to the contrary. If the couple were amicable, they likely wouldn't be getting divorced. So there is nothing "adult" about exposing yourself to a person with whom you have a traumatic past. Divorce is traumatic, and that cannot be denied. How is it helpful to trigger the trauma? That is not the behavior of an "adult."

Pretending it is NOT and volunteering to be re-traumatized and triggered is not "adult," it is foolish. It is not in the best interest of children to role model foolishness that has no more basis than a misguided and silly infatuation with cultural mythology.

We need to stop perpetuating that myth and deal with reality here.

In this situation, it is bizarre that this broken family pretends to be something they are not. Illusions do not make children secure or happy. And if I were the OP, I would not date a person who played such games.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So you think it better for the children to see their parents act like imbiciles when attending the same function? Or should one of the parents not attend the wedding, graduation, etc. because the marriage was intolerable and they can't put their own feelings aside for the sake of the children?

I respect your opinion, and yes, divorce is traumatic for all involved, but my opinion is such that attending a child's wedding with one's ex-spouse and making an effort to put your own feelings aside so that the child's wedding can proceed "drama free" IS acting like an adult. And if that means taking a photo because the kid wants one, then so be it.

Sorry, I prefer not to be the bitter type - I too suffered the trauma of an aldulterous marriage, but I chose to move on and enjoy the remainder of my life not focusing on the misery I endured.

Have a wonderful holiday weekend all!




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I'm throwing one last comment in the pot - how do you think the kid might feel if he/she asked Mom and Dad at her wedding for a family photo, and Mom or Dad responded with a "h*ll no, I can't stand the sight of your other parent because of all the pain and heartache he/she inflicted on me - I'd rather have my nose cut off than take a photo with him/her"....now THAT would be traumatic for the kid.


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Originally Posted by Lauraszoo
So you think it better for the children to see their parents act like imbiciles when attending the same function? Or should one of the parents not attend the wedding, graduation, etc. because the marriage was intolerable and they can't put their own feelings aside for the sake of the children?

I never mentioned how parents should treat weddings, graduations, etc.

Quote
Sorry, I prefer not to be the bitter type - I too suffered the trauma of an aldulterous marriage, but I chose to move on and enjoy the remainder of my life not focusing on the misery I endured.

No one "chooses" to be "bitter." But that is often the result of such trauma. Adultery is as traumatic as rape or the death of a child. It is not something that any normal, rational person can just brush aside under some illusion that doing so makes them appear "adult." Most folks are not enamored with such pretense. Nor is it "adult."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Lauraszoo
I'm throwing one last comment in the pot - how do you think the kid might feel if he/she asked Mom and Dad at her wedding for a family photo, and Mom or Dad responded with a "h*ll no, I can't stand the sight of your other parent because of all the pain and heartache he/she inflicted on me - I'd rather have my nose cut off than take a photo with him/her"....now THAT would be traumatic for the kid.

How would a 30 year old "child" be "traumatized" because his divorced parents wouldn't take a picture together? grin That is just silly. Children don't expect divorced parents to take their pictures together because they know it would be inappropriate to ask.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You state: "I never mentioned how parents should treat weddings, graduations, etc."

Those are exactly the types of events that I WAS talking about. I conceded that it would be odd and would cause sprouting of red flags if the ex-spouses just woke up and decided one day to get together and drive off for a family photo "just because" - I was specifically addressing how to handle the photo issue when both ex-spouses attended a child's milestone event like a wedding, et al. I don't think that enduring a two second photo at a child's wedding makes one "irrational" or consitutes some sort of an illusion....

My BF did not enjoy for one split second standing in the same photo frame as his ex-wife at these events (he told me so) HOWEVER he did it because he loves his daughters and the photo was important to THEM. to do otherwise would have indicated to me that he was too selfish to put his own feelings aside for the sake of his kids.

I'm going to call him now and ask him if he feels that by agreeing to participate in these photos if he secretly and subconscienously harbors a fantasy of putting his family back together, or still has unresolved issues due to the trauma of his divorce 12 years ago. I'll report his answer later.

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