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"The one glaring ray of hope that I constantly remind myself of, is that no matter what happens, we as BS will come out of this as better people, stronger people and more compassionate and loving people. That is never a bad thing."

That's admirable actually.

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finah Offline OP
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^^ Thank u

Tomorrow morning I am going to drop a Facebook bomb on the OM friends and contacts. I am sure that will cause quite the stir. Shaking the bee hive up. Keep them on their toes.

Last edited by finah; 06/22/11 10:54 PM.

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Make sure you keep 60 seconds between messages or FB might block you from messaging for a while.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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finah Offline OP
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^^ will do thx


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finah Offline OP
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Something from another thread caught my attention that�Dr. Harley suggested for one person�to go�dark/plan B.� And expose.� Thus with the BS out of the picture they only had each other to love bust over the exposure.�
�
Thought that was kind of interesting, think I will use some of the momentum from the workplace exposure and start the FB exposing this morning.�


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Finah before you start fb exposure copy and paste the OM friends list onto a word document first. There is every chance that once you start sending the messages that he may block you off his fb page so you won't be able to see the friends list. If that happens you will have a list in word document where you have their name and photo so you will be able to search for them independently of his fb page. Good luck


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

NB28 #2522915 06/23/11 06:05 AM
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finah Offline OP
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Originally Posted by NB28
Finah before you start fb exposure copy and paste the OM friends list onto a word document first. There is every chance that once you start sending the messages that he may block you off his fb page so you won't be able to see the friends list. If that happens you will have a list in word document where you have their name and photo so you will be able to search for them independently of his fb page. Good luck

one step ahead of ya....printed it off as a pdf file. thx though smile


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finah Offline OP
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WW has retained a lawyer....whether thats for divorce or dissolution......guess I will find out.


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Left a note for me at the house....not sure what to make of it....I was hoping to see nothing. It's funny b/c she never tried to talk to me about what was going on, its always initiated by me. No emails, no notes, no nothing until now.

What she wrote below:

You can have all the DVD's and the pictures if you want them. Please let me know if there is anything big that you want (ie table). We can discuss anything and try to agree so we are both satisfied. Here are 2 forms that need to be filled out. I am filling out the same forms too. They are the same forms for a dissolution or a divorce. I would like to do a dissolution & just work together on the things we are splitting. I think it would be easier on us both. But please let me know if your not going to show up b/c this won't work if you are not there too. I am meeting w/ my attorney this Wednesday and if it's possible to have the forms completed by then. I can come pick them up if you need just let me know.

What do you want to do about the dogs? Do you want to keep them part of the time or just on weekends, every other week? Do you want one & I will keep the other? I just feel like they are your dogs too & I want to make sure it's fair & you get a say in it too. They will prob. have to stay at my parents house while the house is on the market unless you can watch them. I won't be able to come home & get them every time someone wants to see the house.

I know you won't believe me but I do care for you and I want the best for you. I don't want anything bad to come your way and I want you to be happy. I believe this will help us grow stronger and learn a lot of things about ourselves. Even though this is a bad situation and hard on us both, try to see the positive and good that will follow. Ask yourself, where do I see myself 1 yr, 3yrs, 5yrs from now and work on the steps needed to get there. I hope we can both grow and mature from this. I just want you to know that it was never my intent to hurt you or cause you pain and if I could make it all go away, I would. I wish that you would stop trying to bring pain & hurt my way. Please stop harassing my friends, family & co-workers. This is between us, not them. I do not want to hurt you and I wish you would do the same.

I too believe our paths will cross once more, and we will see each other again. I don't want to hate you and don't want to end things on a bad note. I would like to remember the good times we had together these past 11 yrs and not all the drama and hateful words and treatment we have done this last month.

Like I said all ready, there are a lot of things in my life that I regret, but I wouldn't trade those 11 years for anything. We have had our ups & downs, good times & bad and b/c of you, it has made the person that I am today.


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Finah,

Sounds like she is done. Not sure more exposure will change anything at this point. Are you done?

Cypress

Last edited by Cypress; 06/27/11 06:17 PM.

Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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Originally Posted by finah
The one glaring ray of hope that I constantly remind myself of, is that no matter what happens, we as BS will come out of this as better people, stronger people and more compassionate and loving people. That is never a bad thing.

finah,

I hate how she left you a note ... couldn't even look you in the eye and say what she had to say. I hate how the note paints herself as the good guy. She is so textbook.

I am angry for you.

I love and admire your outlook. Hold on to that.

You already ARE a better and stronger person !! She is still back at square one ... no make that negative 1 million.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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finah Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Cypress
Finah,

Sounds like she is done. Not sure more exposure will change anything at this point. Are you done?

Cypress


Couldn't tell ya to be honest. I had a good weekend w/o her, was back with a lot of my old friends. And I walked back into our home to that. I know for sure I can move on. She is just all I know....so would I take her back ....yeah probably, will I wait for it? No way.



Originally Posted by pokerface
Originally Posted by finah
The one glaring ray of hope that I constantly remind myself of, is that no matter what happens, we as BS will come out of this as better people, stronger people and more compassionate and loving people. That is never a bad thing.

finah,

I hate how she left you a note ... couldn't even look you in the eye and say what she had to say. I hate how the note paints herself as the good guy. She is so textbook.

I am angry for you.

I love and admire your outlook. Hold on to that.

You already ARE a better and stronger person !! She is still back at square one ... no make that negative 1 million.

It is text book. Again BS can actually move forward, while all the WS swear up and down they are moving forward when in all reality their moving backwards in life.

I have enough anger to go around.......trust me. It doesn't surprise me though she left a note, she can't even tell me the truth to my face. Will be interesting when we show up to the courthouse to finalize everything.


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finah Offline OP
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Any advantages or disadvantages for trumping her dissolution request and for me to file for divorce?



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Finah,

I'm not sure what the legal difference is between dissolution and divorce. I'm assuming dissolution is some form of legal separation.

The only advantage I can see is for your self esteem, self worth. Filing for divorce is a roll of the dice. She may realize how dire the situation is and end the affair, or she will simply agree to it and sign the papers.

Cypress


Me DH 39
WW 45 EA/PA LTR
DD2 6 yrs old
Divorced 2000

Cypress


I believe God challenges us with every crisis. Its more than just choosing good over evil, we have to learn and grow along the way.
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It is my understanding that a "Dissolution" is less adversarial in that the parties are working together towards negotiating and agreeing to the terms to end their marriage. A "Divorce" is more adversarial and provides some additional protections that you can't get in a "Dissolution" such as temporary orders, forcing disclosure of facts through the discovery process, etc. In other words, a divorce has more legal oomph behind the process of ending a marriage.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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finah Offline OP
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^^ that is correct......I guess either way......really doesn't matter.


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finah Offline OP
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Well things have taken a strange turn, well I think so at least
�
My wife�has been pretty non responsive to me for about two weeks, we would talk here and there, but never really accomplished anything.
�
I guess it started to change when I showed up at the house to take the dogs on a in the morning.� She didn't have to come and talk to me but she did, just chit chat nothing really relevant to the situation.� I was doing my best to be nice no matter the situation.�� I guess I have been doing a little bit of both plan a/b.� Keeping my distance but still showing her that I care.
�
Probably not the best thing to do.
�
She spent this past weekend with OM, staying at his place (friday night and saturday night).� We have two lovely dogs.� Long story short I knew where she was and I took the dogs w/ me on (friday night).� She has been lagging on paper work, bills, house maintenance, everything, she just doesn't have the time or the�money to juggle everything.�
�
I was over at our house that Sunday to wash my car and she came out to do some yard work and she ended up breaking down, realizing she has way too much on her plate.� I consoled her, probably shouldn't have, but it's hard not to when someone you love is hurting.�
�
Somehow we ended up in bed together and I left shortly after.� She called me about the dogs and I said she could have them for a few days.� She took that night and again I found them monday afternoon in the house while she was out with OM, all day.�
�
I was pretty hot about this and literally I just took the dogs again about 3 hours ago.�
�
We ended up having a long discussion on the phone she was as honest as should could be, I know I am not getting the whole story.� But some of the fog may be lifting temporarily.�
�
She told me she wasn't sure about what she was doing.� She doesn't want to hurt either one of us.�She's not sure if she wants to end the M.� Told me it was easy when I wasn't there but that its hard seeing me b/c she still has feelings for me.� Maybe we should just separate.� Which I replied we all ready were.� Blah blah I am sure everyone can fill in the blanks.
�
Basically told her that she needed to be honest w/ me and OM.� OM probably thinks clearly he has won, but that's not the case.� OM doesn't know about our Sunday together and that she needed to tell him.� The whole point was that if you really care about OM and want that relationship to work you can't go on lying to him b/c you have seen what it has done to US.�
�
I think its becoming quite evident to her that the relationship w/ the OM won't survive the lies and drama.� It won't be able to survive if she is still sleeping with me or has feelings for me.�
�
So I guess where do I go from here?
�
I am hoping to convince her to do a phone consult with the Harley's or someone else even if its by herself.�
�
I should probably go to plan A or continue what I have been doing w/ her, letting her know I still care.� I am not quite sure if I should be paying any of the bills or her bills knowing she can't afford them.�
�
They also planned a trip together this upcoming weekend, not sure if I should give her a ultimatum on that.�
�
Need some obvious help I guess.


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Are you in Plan A? When do you plan to go into Plan B?

The affair has been exposed?

Sorry, I am on only for a little while longer tonight, and I don't know how long I will be on tomorrow, so I am making it quick.

You can't be in Plan A and Plan B at the same time. There is no half and half here.

You shouldn't give her ultimatums unless you plan to follow through with them. You should demand that she end her affair, and you can let her know that you won't accept a marriage where she is having an affair.

How long have you been at Plan A? How is your LB? If you still have enough left, I would say that you should Plan A a while longer(only UP TO 6 months), and get everything ready for Plan B. Plan A is to be done without expectations and with knowing that the affair continues. A BH is advised to stay in Plan A longer than women because the H should be chasing the W.

In short, I suggest that you Plan A and prepare for Plan B


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by finah
Need some obvious help I guess.

I'd say that you've done a good job playing the role of a "fallback guy" for your WW (a great way to expose yourself to multiple As on her part if your M continues), and exposing yourself to any STDs the OM might have passed on to your WW.

If that was your intent, then you've done well.

If your intent however is to RECOVER your M, then you have done poorly.

PLEASE read up and execute a proper Plan A or Plan B if you want to recover your M. Your Plan should include exposure, to basically bust up the A.


Alternatively, if you don't want to recover your M, file for D and stop wasting your time in a relationship that you are no longer interested in.





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Originally Posted by finah
She told me she wasn't sure about what she was doing.� She doesn't want to hurt either one of us.�She's not sure if she wants to end the M.� Told me it was easy when I wasn't there but that its hard seeing me b/c she still has feelings for me.� Maybe we should just separate.� Which I replied we all ready were.� Blah blah I am sure everyone can fill in the blanks.

If you are wondering why your WW is acting like this I'll help you - it's because she is doing what all waywards try to do: TO KEEP YOU BOTH AS LONG AS SHE CAN.

This quoted nonsense up there is created for one sole purpose - by giving you false hope to keep you in the loop.

Believe me, I was there. I too had sex with my WW. It did accomplish NOTHING.

Quote
I should probably go to plan A or continue what I have been doing w/ her, letting her know I still care.

Do you really think that being an OM itself in their relationship somehow shows "caring"?






Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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